Random Radomness

Vanity be thy name, well no not at all.

There is a creature of sorts (my guess would be a fucking cutesy squirrel that ain’t gonna be so cute if we meet) chewing on something under my house. Not sure what the fuck it is. The damn squatter will hopefully be smart enough to leave on its own after we (by we I mean my boys) move some boards or die soon….then of course I may end up having to contend with the death stench. Life just doesn’t want to come easy….sheesh…if I didn’t marinate in bad luck I’d have none of it.

Went shopping today….stop number one yielded a skirt and a blouse, stop number two was more giving…I ended up with a skirt, jeans, bra, shoes, tights, trouser socks, and some other socks, some organic conditioner, 3 bags of Godiva chocolate, an HDMI cord and I paid nothing! (cause I used my gift cards and gift certificates I earned from my rewards cards.) I still have enough left over to shop for the boys….but I’m waiting for the prices to drop some more.

I did a load of laundry and I’ve yet to iron it….I did manage to put most of it away….that included stuff from the last time I did laundry.

Had a short convo (if it can even be called that, heck it wasn’t even long enough for me to bother spelling out the whole word) with the oven this morning….I am just left SHM….and wondering…oh well…on to other randomosity….

Got my nails done….by self…and tomorrow I will probably be undoing and redoing again. I am just no good at keeping my nail polish from smudging or chipping.

Also thinking of going shorter with the do….we shall see….I love the lightheadedness….

Back hurts, back is a bitch…which serves as a reminder that I am one too…..

Having lunch with my daughter from another mother tomorrow….can’t seem to decide on the where…last week we had lunch and I was so Italianed out…but funny thing is I’m craving Italian again….but I think I’ll cook Italian Saturday and leave it open for either Mexican or Chinese tomorrow….

It’s all I have for now….unless I can think of anything to add to this….

And piss on any busy bodies reading this….yes, PISS ON YOU!!!

Finally getting to that darned disclaimer….

I’ll preface it by letting you all in the internets know, that I’s got nothing else doing….for now anyway….so here goes….and I hope I cover everything (which is damn near impossible….so yeah…it’s whatever)….

Blog Disclaimer

TOS (Terms of Service / AKA the small print nobody ever bothers to read)

You are here either by accident or you looked me up because you were curious about me, or you are stalking me (pathetic if you are stalking me, there are far more fascinating people who are stalk worthy, sadly I am not)….or we have chatted before and I may have mentioned I write (blog) and you decided to check me out….well here is the part where I warn you to  STOP if you are sensitive and paranoid. You are here of your OWN free will, I am not forcing you to read this. Any information you take from here is done at YOUR own risk.

Any information provided here is strictly for entertainment purposes, I am not a medical, legal or otherwise expert on anything that doesn’t pertain to me, and even if it pertains to me I am still not qualified as an expert. So if I tell you to pull your hair out to stop your head from hurting and you follow suit, you are plain and simple too stupid to exist.

Reserved rights

I, at anytime I so decide to do so, reserve the right to change the focus of my blog, to shut it down, to sell it, or to change the terms of use at my sole discretion.

I reserve the right to moderate and delete inappropriate comments. I basically reserve the right to say or do whatever I want with the content, don’t like it, find the X on the upper right hand corner of this page and say goodbye.

Up and coming…

Disclaimer coming up…sooner or later….whichever comes first. Some new readers that don’t quite know the rules or how my twisted mind works….so hopefully I’ll cover it all…or almost all…one can never truly cover it all….

Attributions

Interpersonal attributions are a bitch, given that I have limited the interpersonal aspects of any attributions. Makes me laugh a little inside….cause if I laughed on the outside, (like right now, as I sit alone in my room talking to myself with my fingers over the keyboard) I might arouse the concern of the kiddies. They are safely ensconced in their cocoon, that being their room where they are gleefully engaged in their own world of gaming.

My internal and external attributions are being confused, perhaps it is my personality, mood, unspoken efforts, attitude or even my unsunny disposition…whatever it may be– I suspect that these two are leading  to very different perceptions of my behavior, which has been of zenful quietness. I am so not digging the passive aggresiveness…I just can’t engage myself in that…I’ve plenty of reading material and mothering duties to keep myself in a peaceful unassuming zenful state.

No pot to piss in….

Thankfully I’m not there yet….but soon we may be….today was an eye opener for things to come. Having no medical insurance and a job that doesn’t have enough hours to keep me from worrying about how to make ends meet….no hope of getting insurance anytime soon either….oh well….enough stressing that…wish I was sitting on the pot of gold some think I sit on….instead I just sit on my ass….which doesn’t produce gold either…..today has been a busy day….running back and forth, well not running, I still can’t run, I do okay just walking…but picking sick child up from school, driving to dr, driving to pharmacy, dropping boy off at school, going by pharmacy to pick up prescriptions…having a mild cardiac incident, driving home, driving back to pharmacy, doing laundry, cleaning, getting grub prepped for dinner, folding laundry, putting things in dryer, taking things out….sigh…a mother’s job is never done….but I will reap the rewards….

Well off to finish off my womanly neverendingchores…

Illusions….delusions

I had my illusions, but then again maybe they were always delusions cowering in the shadow of illusion. I’ve turned things around so much in my head that I now have a better understanding of some rifts that have just continued and will never be resolved. I’ve taken my blinders off, put aside the rose-colored glasses and left the hero-worship on the floor, to be picked up by someone not as jaded as I have become.

I’ll say it again…as if I haven’t said it enough…people disgust me, no not all, just some….but then I also wonder how many people feel the same way about me. I’m sure I’m on a list or two…or ten. Yeah I am not everyone’s cup of tea…but then again I don’t aspire to be. I don’t want to revel in hero-worship, I don’t want to “demand” respect. Respect isn’t something one automatically grants someone else based solely on seniority…and I don’t mean seniority based on length of time held at one position, but I mean seniority of the aging variety.

I’m cutting some people out of my inner sanctum, with age comes wisdom, which isn’t always clearly defined, but as long as I know where I’m at, where I’m going and where I’ve been…that is all that matters…who I decide to have with me along the way is my choice….pickings are slim (to none) but I am becoming more self-aware and making changes accordingly. Too long I’ve wasted time with people who just brought me down, people I allowed to use and abuse me and I know my worth ain’t much, but I’m adding value back….slowly but surely.

Catalyst

It started with me, usually it does…hmmm…if it didn’t, then it wouldn’t be about me.

Catalysis is more of a chemistry term…but there is also chemistry between people, both good and bad and also indifferent. I’m leaning toward the latter, yes indifference. I don’t do good very well, bad…well apparently bad is where I excel.

Something innocuous was the catalyst for the change in my environment, volleys were hurled and yes what goes up must come down, so when shit hits the fan be prepared for a shit storm….it’s still raining shit. The good thing about rain is that it doesn’t last forever, and here in West Texas we don’t have rain that sticks for long, shit yes, rain no.

I am embarrassed to admit that yesterday was not one of my better moments (I won’t go into ugly, boring details, just take my word, it was sucktastic). Today I will face the day with a smile, hopefully not the demented one, but a real one. For every person I encounter without one, I will give them one of mine…I reached deep down and found a wealth of them, and I don’t need to keep them all to myself. Contrary to unpopular belief I don’t always just think about myself. ♥  ☻

Sludging through bitters….

there is a fetid feel in the air, trudging through the halls

hitting the walls like shit that hits the fan

there isn’t a way to take it out like yesterdays garbage

so it wafts and infuses itself with all it touches

it takes a spark to set it off, air to carry it around and bitterness to hold on to  it

merry fucking joy joy …..

Still kicking….

Well no not really….I’ve lost my kicking abilities, not to be confused with my kick ass abilities, those are still there. My back has been kicking my ass…yeah it is humanly possible…..trust me on that one. I’m out of Norco, do not have insurance and probably wouldn’t be able to afford a refill….so on to plan B….or what I’ve decided I may try…I’ll share if and when I implement the plan and have success….if I fail then I’ll spare you…and me.☺

Still gainfully employed, not anywhere close to fulltime but my body wouldn’t be able to handle it at this point…nor my head….today I began feeling feverish, I was not my most coherent and my temper had to be kept in check….stupid people usually don’t faze me but when I’m in pain I tend to get cranky and stupid people set me off….I can’t elaborate because I’ve learned this isn’t the place to air things….still haven’t created my safe haven…though I do have “friends” who offer their ears, shoulders and whatnot to me…I just can’t go there….not ready to trust anyone.

I’m hoping that tomorrow I will feel better and I can treat the boys to either a meal out or maybe even a movie…they are off from school for a couple of weeks. I will enjoy the time spent with them, just wish my oldest could visit, but not this year….funny how life is, I wish them all grown up and out of here but then I know when the last two leave I will be so lost without them. My two youngest already have their plans in place for when the time comes for them to leave the nest….they are growing up too fast….sheesh…I need to quit here….I’m missing them and they haven’t even left. Must be the pain and the meds having me all melancholic and whatnot.

It’s been a while…

…since I’ve come here and added anything of substance. Anymore and I just don’t know if I should even bother talking. Not that it matters if I say anything, it isn’t what I say….but it is what I don’t say…lately it is way too convoluted even for me. Updates….well I’ve returned to the real world (somewhat) I am now working….earning a paycheck feels good, but the pain involved can suck big fat purple monkey balls. That and the dreaded D word (DRAMA) which is to be expected when working with people. I so wish I was qualified to work with the dead….after many years of working by myself it is a readjustment to integrate myself with the human species….I much prefer working solo…but that was a once in a lifetime opportunity I don’t expect to have again….damn my luck….it was good while it lasted and all good things must come to an end.

Lately I’ve been having a not so comfortable need…the feeling of needing someone to talk to. I hate feeling needy….even if it is just a pesky little need as human interaction…but I don’t trust anyone anymore and don’t want to put myself out there again for obvious reasons…well obvious to me….

My meds are taking longer to kick in or at least it feels like it…anywho…I may soon be shutting this down and moving towards complete anonymity or writing retirement….not sure just rambling thoughts.