My time in this place I have called home for the last 17+ years is coming up….I feel like I’m done here, I have a strong desire to just be gone…I have until the end of next year. I want my youngest to not have the trauma of being uprooted his last year. But I have found it difficult to shop for a home in another city via the internet…just doing it here locally sucks…photos can be manipulated to give the impression that it is a good neighborhood, street views, interior and exterior shots….sigh….so I have made a decision that has sucked the life out of me and sent me into a depressive state. I’ve decided to stay. I have things to consider like logistics and expenses….due to my physical limitations I can’t have certain things…stairs, big yards…which I don’t need. I just need a small space. I am already slowly packing stuff up…taking pictures off the wall. Packing up dishes and thinking of just giving everything away….I hate moving, I hate asking people to help…even if those people are my own kids. I hate not having the physical strength to do it on my own. I don’t need a lot of the things I have accumulated over the years….my biggest collections that mean anything are my books and clothes….and of course all the photos of the kids and a few keepsakes….but that is still a lot of crap. I’ve been dismantling my library….giving books away as soon as I am done….I’ll be using towels to keep breakables from breaking….my son is bringing me boxes so I can start….small boxes that I can manage…by the end I’ll probably have 20,000+ boxes….but they’ll be manageable….but I’ll be trying to sell 2 dining tables, sofa, loveseat, bookcases….and I’m sure a ton of other crap. This next chapter of my life will be just me….there have been some relationships with family that will never be recovered and while sad I also realize that I’m better off without the negativity…I have my own negativity to deal with…don’t need anyone else’s…wah…I’m off to have me a pity party….
Thoughts running through my head…thinking of my friend T and the ordeal she is undergoing….hating that there is not a thing I can do for her. Knowing she is in a hospital, knowing how much hospitals suck….knowing too much and not knowing enough. Life can suck. MzT…you are in my thoughts…and no prayers here. Love ya!
Muscle relaxer and pain pill down the hatch….note to self….next time the stupid idea to do yard work strikes….strike back…or strike a match. I used to be able to do all the yard work required to maintain a decent looking property…today…not so much. And I enjoy doing it….my back is hating me for it….big time. I can’t even start a lawn mower on my own….that sucks balls. #3 had to start it for me a couple of times. The third time I just gave up and let him finish up. I hate, hate, hate not being able to do these basic things….things I could do BEFORE. I miss so much of that….it is a reminder that I no longer have the ability to be self sufficient. I’m so not good with that. The added pain makes it that much more painful to pick up my precious bundle of joy….soon I will have to make changes there. Not sure how that will work out. Today all I could do was put her down in the crib and play with her from there…..SIGH….life can suck….but my beautiful babies make it a bit better…and having this beautiful princess in my life sure makes a lot of other shit bearable….well enough for now…I’m slowly working my way back to writing. I’ve missed it and have to get back into it…it is indeed therapeutic.
These last few days I’ve been working on purging….it has been a catharsis…or cathartic (pun intended) experience. It is amazing how much baggage I’ve been hanging on to…alongside a mountain of medical paperwork, medical records, statements for the bazillion procedures I endured just a few years back. I think (and hope) I’ve got everything squared away. (Paid) Soon it will be time to pack it all up and get ready for the next chapter of my life. I don’t intend to drag all this crap with me, time to downsize, and bury all the dead trees that were sacrificed to print the countless statements.
And photos….from a time in my life that has forever left an imprint. Just tearing up and shredding (until my shredder burnt out) was something I needed to do and had just put off way too long.
Happy New Year. So much is going on around here…mainly work and more work…and pain…always. today was not a good day and unfortunately I took it out on the wrong person. I hate when that happens…hate that my #2 is being hurt…but thankful that he is comfortable talking to me. If anyone can give insight on relationships that would be me. Granted I suck at them…
Anywho we do have a beautiful bundle of joy to love and care for….the little girl I always wanted. She is a precious little girl…can’t wait for her hair to just grow out…looking forward to playing with different looks…ponytail, braids…straight or curly…too early to tell. We have not done the birth announcements yet…waiting for a photo session. I want her in a black dress with her little black shoes….
Did I mention pain…yeah about that….left lower quadrant and it fucking hurts like a bitch….so damned tired of hurting and medicating and putting on my “happy, happy joy joy” face on and pretending all is well…not so convincingly and there are days I just can’t be bothered to fake it. It gets old using the same tired responses…”I’m fine, all is well…my face just looks like life sucks”
Today will be a busy day, have a funeral to go to and I am not looking forward to that….then from there I have to get #3 to an appointment…my day off….I just wish I could have a day off and do nothing, see no one and just have me time.
So yeah 2014 lots going on but it just sounds tired and whiney….I’m off to try to read myself to sleep….just thought I’d try to blog a bit….maybe soon I’ll be back and be less bitchy.
I’ve never been in relationships. I prefer to call them ‘momentary lapses in judgment’. Okay granted my lapses tend to take on a life of their own while I bury my head in the sand and pretend all is well. I’ve acquired some knowledge through experience. I’m no longer allowing myself to be a doormat…and sadly (not for me) someone has to contend with the consequences of my learning’s. I am not fully invested (emotionally) in this new lapse….so when circumstances interfere with plans and I don’t get all broken-hearted over a rain check…I don’t want to hear any “poor me, you don’t care about me” crap…we are grown folks here with jobs and families and unforeseen wrenches thrown in the mix….like a broken stove I have to deal with, or a shift I picked up to pay for the broken stove….or the 50 extra shifts I’ll have to pick up to pay for the tires I needed and the other 50 extra shifts I’ll have to also pick up to cover the expense of cutting a tree down that is as rotten on the inside as I am….sigh…..life is grand….or in some cases a few grand$.
I’ve had a hate/hate relationship with phones for a few years now…recently j lifted my own ban on it and gave my number out. I like this someone I gave my number to…but already I hate the phone drama. Why do these a$$holes expect me to have a phone attached to my person 24/7? I have a life and I don’t believe I need to drop everything I’m doing and run to answer my phone when it rings….I also think that if I don’t answer after 5 -6 Times then you should get a clue, just maybe I am busy….I’m trying to not lose it and hate you….okay hate may be a bit harsh….but dammit ain’t nobody got time for that. . I certainly don’t and after all these years of not being in a relationship I sure as $hit am not looking to fall for another insecure, controlling jerkwad….so that is my vent and/ off to the back burner we go…..