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Happy New Year. So much is going on around here…mainly work and more work…and pain…always. today was not a good day and unfortunately I took it out on the wrong person. I hate when that happens…hate that my #2 is being hurt…but thankful that he is comfortable talking to me. If anyone can give insight on relationships that would be me. Granted I suck at them…

Anywho we do have a beautiful bundle of joy to love and care for….the little girl I always wanted. She is a precious little girl…can’t wait for her hair to just grow out…looking forward to playing with different looks…ponytail, braids…straight or curly…too early to tell. We have not done the birth announcements yet…waiting for a photo session. I want her in a black dress with her little black shoes….

Did I mention pain…yeah about that….left lower quadrant and it fucking hurts like a bitch….so damned tired of hurting and medicating and putting on my “happy, happy joy joy” face on and pretending all is well…not so convincingly and there are days I just can’t be bothered to fake it. It gets old using the same tired responses…”I’m fine, all is well…my face just looks like life sucks” 

Today will be a busy day, have a funeral to go to and I am not looking forward to that….then from there I have to get #3 to an appointment…my day off….I just wish I could have a day off and do nothing, see no one and just have me time. 

So yeah 2014 lots going on but it just sounds tired and whiney….I’m off to try to read myself to sleep….just thought I’d try to blog a bit….maybe soon I’ll be back and be less bitchy.

TAKE TWO….OR TEN….

I’ve never been in relationships. I prefer to call them ‘momentary lapses in judgment’. Okay granted my lapses tend to take on a life of their own while I bury my head in the sand and pretend all is well. I’ve acquired some knowledge through experience. I’m no longer allowing myself to be a doormat…and sadly (not for me) someone has to contend with the consequences of my learning’s. I am not fully invested (emotionally) in this new lapse….so when circumstances interfere with plans and I don’t get all broken-hearted over a rain check…I don’t want to hear any “poor me, you don’t care about me” crap…we are grown folks here with jobs and families and unforeseen wrenches thrown in the mix….like a broken stove I have to deal with, or a shift I picked up to pay for the broken stove….or the 50 extra shifts I’ll have to pick up to pay for the tires I needed and the other 50 extra shifts I’ll have to also pick up to cover the expense of cutting a tree down that is as rotten on the inside as I am….sigh…..life is grand….or in some cases a few grand$.

tongue_in_cheek_smiley

I’ve had a hate/hate relationship with phones for a few years now…recently j lifted my own ban on it and gave my number out. I like this someone I gave my number to…but already I hate the phone drama. Why do these a$$holes expect me to have a phone attached to my person 24/7? I have a life and I don’t believe I need to drop everything I’m doing and run to answer my phone when it rings….I also think that if I don’t answer after 5 -6 Times then you should get a clue, just maybe I am busy….I’m trying to not lose it and hate you….okay hate may be a bit harsh….but dammit ain’t nobody got time for that. . I certainly don’t and after all these years of not being in a relationship I sure as $hit am not looking to fall for another insecure, controlling jerkwad….so that is my vent and/ off to the back burner we go…..

23 days….

In 23 days boy # 2 will leave us. Today it hit me, and as I broke down, he broke down with me. We hugged for a good while and said I love you, love you back, love you more. And cried some more. I thought I was all cried out from yesterday. I had a bittersweet father’s day, me and my dead daddy. He has been gone for over 20 years, yesterday it was raw and I decided to cheer me up….I phoned in an order from Applebee’s, 2 for $20, one appetizer and two entrees. I fed my daddy very well, spicy boneless wings, chicken and shrimp with potatoes and a riblet basket with fries. I was quite miserable when I was done…..confession, I might have fed us too much. My belly still hurts. Dead people can’t really eat. I’m getting fat. I’ve gained over 10 pounds in 2 weeks time. Not done getting fat. Going away party for D will add more weight. SIGH***

 

So much has happened and this update will be disjointed….

Loss….we are still reeling from our losses…I know I am, some that took me by surprise…or rather the reactions to said losses shook me up. Friend, aunt, grandmother, father….we are still assimilating and will be for a good while, you think you close a chapter and finish that book…only to find a sequel to get you going again. I hate that my kids have to go through these upheavals…nothing has broken me in so long than not being able to comfort my son over such a devastating loss. I’m used to loss, it is one of the reasons I don’t form attachments….any who….yeah….that currently is the big one sucking big fat purple monkey balls….puts trivial shit into perspective…like some fucktard asshat getting all territorial about public places I should be thinking of venturing in….I could kick my ass for replying to a juvenile email regarding previously stated nonsense. (Yes, a good bitching and venting seems to be in order)

Another school year is also coming to an end, with that…another son leaving, but we will have a new face taking his place….changes, so many changes….soon it will be time to sell and move on….actually I’m still selling, by the time the last one leaves I want all my furniture gone, I don’t yet know where I am going but I do know I don’t need all the crap I have accumulated.

As I’m typing away I also find that while in my head I still have a lot to say, I have also lost my desire to write…..this may be the end….

What? Yeah…..some trends that have been growing exponentially….on Facebook most days I feel like I don’t know the place anymore….I used to enjoy my drop-ins and contributions to make someone smile or think….nowI feel like I accidentally stumbled back in time and I’m in church….the Church of Facebook….where there are all sorts of condemnations…..or back when I’d drop in at the town’s local pancake and coffee shop and the old timers would get into heated discussions over politics….***SIGH**** I do miss the old Facebook….I know some of the going ons are trends, the pet posting, the trout pout pics, etc, etc….anywho I’ll stop bitching about that….

Day off from job 1, so much to do and waiting on motivation, savoring my coffee…still doing laundry, have ironing to do, clothes to put away,a vacuum to run, a list of things I want to put together and photograph and hopefully sell, if not off to freecycle. I also have to try to finish my haircut….I can get one side just right or close enough to where it does what I want to, but I get challenged with the other side, I’ll eventually get it to where I’m okay with it or where I give up and let it grow out again.

My cup is almost dry…so I’ll be wrapping things up, shower, haircut, ironing station setup, may watch a movie while I do that….then I’m hoping for a nap before I go to job 2…..I want to enter a drawing for maid service for a year….and win….where do I sign up????

I remember her walking in and I knew something was not right. I didn’t know her aside from brief interactions at the counter or as I made rounds….but I was seeing a person that was in shock.

I asked if she was ok, she broke down for a split second and disclosed that she had just been diagnosed with cancer.

The next day she came in after her first treatment.

Somewhere along the way I just felt I needed to be there for her, she hasn’t disclosed the details and I haven’t probed….but I have found a new friend and I’ll do what I can to be there for her.

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