I am in constant pain but lately it has escalated to a level that I am having to go to my room and have my little bitch cry fest, which I prefer to do privately…I hate this, I tend to get pissy…and poor baby girl gets a side of grandma that is not the best….in all fairness I do encourage her to go home…but she wants to be here with me regardless. I don’t wish this on anyone and I am just so fucking exhausted from it…I know I have to go get answers for treatment, but I am not in any rush at this point…Will continue to stay away from doctors office until they get a handle on this current global mess. I also need to do better at monitoring my intake of drugs, sure as hell don’t need another overdose…

Right now I don’t feel strong

Be kind.

When I came in to work last night I had a client that was complaining of having pain (I have to take the client at their word)….so I asked if she needed to go to the ER. Client said yes, so I garb up with my mask, grab keys, wallet, hand sanitizer and inform client we are taking the van…I instruct client that for her safety as well as mine I need her to sit in the very back as far away from me as possible…that turned into a minor discussion/argument as she “felt” insulted…I calmly explained to her that I have a family I do not want exposed anymore than is necessary and she is currently pregnant so I am also taking into account her unborn child….she proceeded to call me a few choice words…just a minor verbal assault…we get to the ER and now she wants me to go in with her…she pleads…begs and refuses to get out of the vehicle…I calmly inform her that I am unable to go in with her and I need her to make a choice, go in and get checked or return back to the shelter…she chose to stay but it took a good 10 minutes for her to get out…there are a few things I tolerate, but I am not paid enough to be cussed at/verbally assaulted, I am an “Essential” employee, I do not get hazard pay. I am respectful to these clients even though many times they are quite a handful…anywho when I returned to the office I proceeded to complete incident reports and write ups…shortly thereafter she called to say she was ready to be picked up…on the way back she asked if I had written her up and how many write-ups can she get before she is asked to leave the shelter…SIGH***she was written up twice on the previous shift, her stay is precarious and she is on a behavioral contract that has been grossly violated…to be in a Domestic Violence Shelter and to verbally assault the staff is not kosher…this individual is pregnant, has a limited education, no motivation to better her situation…staff has been working with her for quite some time in trying to motivate her to complete her education…all while putting up with her atrocious behavior. I informed her that I did have two write-ups to add to her previous two and the additional ones in her file…this is not the time to be trying to get yourself kicked out of a shelter…..Some people….#bekind

Rushed and crushed…

So early this morning I get a call from the doctors office…can I come back? They have it in their notes that I work overnight and prefer early appointments, they have an 8 am opening, can I make it? Well let me juggle some balls….yup, managed to get someone to come in early and I go back to the imaging lab…for a biopsy, nothing like rushing around and not having time to think about the procedure, I didn’t even ask what type or anything…thankfully no sedation required, FNA Biopsy (Fine Needle Aspiration) Just a Band-Aid and some mild to moderate discomfort…what a trooper I am….seriously…should have results later today or tomorrow, I am good waiting until tomorrow, too much going on today to think about waiting on THAT call…and I am off, this was my morning break, have to head back out…so glad my Friday is tonight.fna

Eternally Pessimistic…

Earlier this month I had the girls looked at and squished…you know just a basic screening, Monday I had a call back to go back for a second mammo…now we are at the diagnostic stage, as I was leaving I was called back for an ultrasound, so two mammos and an ultrasound, that hurts the pocketbook…as I was laying there getting the ultrasound I was able to see the screen and I saw a mass on the screen…of course the tech cannot speculate or provide any feedback…so now I wait until my Doctor calls me back…so my mind of course starts to go to the dark side…I have to mentally prepare for the worst, in my head I have made the decision to let one of the girls go, maybe both of them, they are twins and one without the other would be odd and incomplete…then I start thinking of a chest tat…and of course even darker…am I at stage one, two or….yep, always gotta go with the worst thoughts possible….great start to the week….but I should have answers soon…and no I am not stressed….yet…nor have I talked to anyone about this…so if you are here reading this then you are probably the first to hear about this, stay tuned for an update…ttfn


Anxiety…I loathe you…

Feeling anxious, frustratingly I cannot put my finger on what is bugging me…I don’t stress about work, or my kids, I have the everyday mom worries about my babies, but I know they are well…I started a new book last night, I tried reading today…my mind refuses to track, so I end p reading the same thing over and over and all I see is words jumbled, so forget reading…I have been up since about 10pm last night…went to work, and came home…no nap, no baby girl…have a holiday weekend coming up and my shift covered for Friday and I can’t even come up with any getaway ideas…I think I will give my book another good try and if that doesn’t work I will grab a different book….not feeling sleepy and too late to try to take anything to help me sleep…sigh….I think this is enough blabbering for today….

Fun Sunday exercise…

Took a few minutes from the crazy that usually goes on working the day shift to speak to three of our clients, names are drawn at random and we have an informal question and answer…(Questions/exercises are provided by our in house counselor)

Q. When/how did you have your aha moment? A. I should’ve known better. He always kept close tabs on me. He hated when I accused him of spying on me, so I just let him snoop. Jane Doe # 1. age 27 victim of emotional abuse and stalking.

Q. How/when did it start? A. It begins like a little drip you don’t even notice — an off-hand remark that is “just a joke.” I’m told I’m too sensitive and the remark was no big deal. It seems so small and insignificant at the time. I probably am a little too sensitive, but I didn’t start out being so sensitive, now everything is a trigger. Jane Doe # 2. Age 45, victim of emotional and psychological abuse.

Q. What are your thoughts on PTSD in relation to victims of domestic abuse?
A. Although I initially thought PTSD was a bit extreme, it’s been almost three years and certain noises or situations still trigger difficult memories for me. Jane Doe # 3. Age 32 victim of physical, mental, emotional, verbal abuse and stalking.Life sucks big sweaty hairy balls


Miscommunication…lately it seems to be the basis of my life. truths, untruths, my morning was epically phucked…I had a sleepless night (thank you insomnia) I fasted for an appointment to get lab work done, I made it a point to be there before the clinic opened, I was the third one in…and the first one out…somehow they phucked up and I didn’t show up on their system, even though on my end I had confirmation…le sigh…so I came home and made some follow up phone calls and admittedly got somewhat testy…(I was hangry and still fasting)…they gave me the option of doing the lab work early tomorrow morning and DR visit in the early afternoon…nope…I was not about to do another fast, especially overnight and insomnia likely to happen again…so I got busy emptying every drawer and doing some refolding and purging as I waited for a call back with an okay to get the lab work done…the testiness worked in my favor (by testy I mean somewhat bitchy…why lie)…just super frustrating when they have access to my medical records, last visit, etc…yet they can’t get it together…and just now I had to call to re-confirm my appointment for tomorrow as they sent me 2 messages with different appointment times…fingers crossed that they don’t phuck it up between now and tomorrow afternoon…


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