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So it took some walking on the ledge for months but I finally got the ball rolling on a few things…I suffer from severe embarrassingly debilitating anxiety over the dumbest things…but I have learned (or am still learning) to deal with these issues. I don’t have anyone to hold my hand (yes, I have friends who offer, but that’s not helpful to me, sorry, not sorry). it takes me a while but I get things done…all the while creating other issues that will eventually need attention….what a vicious cycle I make myself go through…lol. But I am getting the needed repairs to my house, the morning rain may put a pause on the remaining work, we shall see…once this is complete I can move forward on other projects….

Now on to the other shtuff…

I have posted a few things on social media and received PM’s about the meme’s I have posted and I don’t mean any of them to one individual person, sheesh…but some have taken them personally and are affronted…I hate having to soothe ruffled feathers and reassure someone that no, it’s not you…to the point where I end up blowing up and just saying yes, you win, it is about you…so aggravating…..yet again very telling as to what they may be up tp and where they see themselves wearing the shoes…hey if they fit, put them on, wear them, run in them…far away…please…I don’t always have the patience to sugarcoat shit where it is not needed…rant over…I think….at least for now.

Other ramblings…I enjoyed a nice quiet weekend, it was a hit and miss with one of my favorite peeps, but we will make it happen soon…I also went to Dillard’s and did a little shopping, I have been carrying a gift card for 2+ years and I still haven’t managed to spend all the money on it….and I thought yesterday was going to be the day, but my math skills really suck…lol…so until the next 40% off clearance sale…I did score 3 items, a pair of Levi’s and 2 shirts….then back to la Casa.

Overall a nice chill weekend.

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Hitting the coffers…

Let me see what the household coffers are gonna yield…I have roof repairs coming up in the next week or so…haggled to a number that I can live with…I won’t be putting any viable organs for sale, I may do the pawn thing or the loan thing…but I am relieved that I can let go of that stressor, though I know I am getting ahead of myself, I should not be gleeful until all work is satisfactorily completed. I started yard work this AM, but I ran out of battery life so I had to quit before I could get it knocked out…things I need to add to the shopping cart, tar for the apartment roof and a couple of new sticks for my rake and hoe….sometimes I think giving up the all American dream of home ownership is more like a life sentence than joy…no end in sight to the up keep…***le sigh

 

Failure…incompetente…

I just had the worst panic attack I’ve had in quite a while, I had to rush the insurance adjuster out of my house so I could have my melt down in private…even though he saw what was happening…I am trying to settle my nerves, get the shaking under control as well as my breathing…I hate admitting to myself that I am weak and that I can’t always take care of things that need to be taken care of…this whole insurance roof repair thing is a good case in point….nothing he said registered and the more he tried (gently) to explain the worse it got for me….I almost feel like it would be easier to just sell my house and move into an apartment and not have to deal….an option I am seriously considering…how can I get myself back on track, am I doomed to just being a failure…weak, incompetent, just plain stupid…sheesh…I just can’t deal with this crap…and no platitudes will help, no gentle hugs, nothing will soothe me…times like these I wish I had my daddy….then I could hate myself even more for that…sheesh…if screaming would help I would indulge myself…or eating myself into a coma, or drinking myself into a stupor…okay, I gotta wrap up this pity party and go back to pretending everything is just fine… Fuck, fuck, fuck…keep-calm-and-fuck-it-all-12

 

Shifty nights…

I love the night shift and the daytime freedom it provides me…lately I have spent more time on my night audits and it is refreshing to discover that someone else can appreciate an esoteric parlance, albeit only in writing, but it sure makes for interesting reading. Due to the nature of most of our clients we are reminded to keep to a nondescript style of writing….well that has taken a life of its own and most case notes could be just copied and inserted in each individual file as they all sound the same, but then there is Ms. HR, gotta love her colorful use of language and the kicker is that she uses it in the correct context…anywho…enough of that…

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling like I am dying…I took it upon myself to get or try to get the yard work done…well got the front done (except for the weed eating) and then I half assed the backyard…my body just gave out. consequently I am still paying for it…I don’t feel like I can even ask my # 2 to help…and I surely cannot afford to pay someone to come and do it….so buttercup sucks it up….by the time I recover I’ll be repeating the process as the rain has kick started the growth….and from a distance it looks okay…and I feel like I haven’t uttered the words enough…but here goes, I hate my body, I hate that it betrays me, that on the outside to anyone looking at me I look the picture of health…far from it, I have a useless piece of shit carcass to drag around and it’s only going to get worse…and pity party over….

that’s all I’s got…

Son muchos los dichos que se pueden aplicar en mi situacion presente..

Mejor sola que mal acompañada…

El que calla otorga…que por seguro no lo vuelvo a repitir…puede que no hable pero no piense otorgar ningun abuso mas

La privacidad no es algo a lo que tengo derecho, es un prerrequisito absoluto….se ha violado la confianza…puede que nunca se recupere…no voy a defenderme por tu intromisión, si viste algo que no estaba destinado para ti, demasiado mal, nada de lo que puedas decir reparará el daño, puedo perdonar pero no olvidar…
Y sí, esto es para ti, demasiado mentalmente agotada para verbalizar este discurso
Esto no significa que quiero que la amistad/relación termine, pero si cambia la dinámica…
asshole

 

Excruciating…

I can’t move….I hate this, so minimal movement until this subsides, I have medicated myself and placed myself in a position where everything I might need is within reach….except the pot. not the smoking kind, but the one you piss in…maybe if I had the other….hmmm…when will this end…and what the fuck is the point, I don’t even have the energy for an internal debate…I just want to crawl in a corner and die…but fuck I can’t even crawl…sucks to be me…and that there concludes my pity party.

I’ve pending research to tend to…and then shuffle my ass to bed where I hope to pass out until I go to work.

 

Overwhelmed…

So just last week I was all excited because I made the adult decision to refinance my house…over the phone and fresh off an overnight shift. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am quite capable in many aspects of my life, but I can get overwhelmed with certain things, I had been putting off the paperwork and decided to tackle it this morning, 5 pages in and my anxiety shot up like a motherfucker. I just can’t. So now I need to send an email to whoever was to be holding my hand virtually through this process and say never mind and please don’t contact me because I will have a heart attack. I don’t understand why this happens, same with my retirement account…you’d think I’d be open to taking care of this shit but I can’t. I’d rather be shot between the eyes and avoid the anxiety.

I’m working through this by writing about it. I know I have a non refundable fee to pay for initializing this process….and I’m okay with that…just make it all go away. so I remain stuck and frustrated and pissed off at myself and actually I am now in tears because my anxiety is just going up….why does adulting have to suck? I shoulda been born a princess and not have to worry about this shit.

I am retreating, I just can’t, writing is not helping, well, it did help some but I’m giving myself an ulcer. Wah

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid….

03.Top-Therapies-for-Anxiety-Disorders

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