Rushed and crushed…

So early this morning I get a call from the doctors office…can I come back? They have it in their notes that I work overnight and prefer early appointments, they have an 8 am opening, can I make it? Well let me juggle some balls….yup, managed to get someone to come in early and I go back to the imaging lab…for a biopsy, nothing like rushing around and not having time to think about the procedure, I didn’t even ask what type or anything…thankfully no sedation required, FNA Biopsy (Fine Needle Aspiration) Just a Band-Aid and some mild to moderate discomfort…what a trooper I am….seriously…should have results later today or tomorrow, I am good waiting until tomorrow, too much going on today to think about waiting on THAT call…and I am off, this was my morning break, have to head back out…so glad my Friday is tonight.fna

Eternally Pessimistic…

Earlier this month I had the girls looked at and squished…you know just a basic screening, Monday I had a call back to go back for a second mammo…now we are at the diagnostic stage, as I was leaving I was called back for an ultrasound, so two mammos and an ultrasound, that hurts the pocketbook…as I was laying there getting the ultrasound I was able to see the screen and I saw a mass on the screen…of course the tech cannot speculate or provide any feedback…so now I wait until my Doctor calls me back…so my mind of course starts to go to the dark side…I have to mentally prepare for the worst, in my head I have made the decision to let one of the girls go, maybe both of them, they are twins and one without the other would be odd and incomplete…then I start thinking of a chest tat…and of course even darker…am I at stage one, two or….yep, always gotta go with the worst thoughts possible….great start to the week….but I should have answers soon…and no I am not stressed….yet…nor have I talked to anyone about this…so if you are here reading this then you are probably the first to hear about this, stay tuned for an update…ttfn

prep

Anxiety…I loathe you…

Feeling anxious, frustratingly I cannot put my finger on what is bugging me…I don’t stress about work, or my kids, I have the everyday mom worries about my babies, but I know they are well…I started a new book last night, I tried reading today…my mind refuses to track, so I end p reading the same thing over and over and all I see is words jumbled, so forget reading…I have been up since about 10pm last night…went to work, and came home…no nap, no baby girl…have a holiday weekend coming up and my shift covered for Friday and I can’t even come up with any getaway ideas…I think I will give my book another good try and if that doesn’t work I will grab a different book….not feeling sleepy and too late to try to take anything to help me sleep…sigh….I think this is enough blabbering for today….

Fun Sunday exercise…

Took a few minutes from the crazy that usually goes on working the day shift to speak to three of our clients, names are drawn at random and we have an informal question and answer…(Questions/exercises are provided by our in house counselor)

Q. When/how did you have your aha moment? A. I should’ve known better. He always kept close tabs on me. He hated when I accused him of spying on me, so I just let him snoop. Jane Doe # 1. age 27 victim of emotional abuse and stalking.

Q. How/when did it start? A. It begins like a little drip you don’t even notice — an off-hand remark that is “just a joke.” I’m told I’m too sensitive and the remark was no big deal. It seems so small and insignificant at the time. I probably am a little too sensitive, but I didn’t start out being so sensitive, now everything is a trigger. Jane Doe # 2. Age 45, victim of emotional and psychological abuse.

Q. What are your thoughts on PTSD in relation to victims of domestic abuse?
A. Although I initially thought PTSD was a bit extreme, it’s been almost three years and certain noises or situations still trigger difficult memories for me. Jane Doe # 3. Age 32 victim of physical, mental, emotional, verbal abuse and stalking.Life sucks big sweaty hairy balls

Clusterphuck….

Miscommunication…lately it seems to be the basis of my life. truths, untruths, my morning was epically phucked…I had a sleepless night (thank you insomnia) I fasted for an appointment to get lab work done, I made it a point to be there before the clinic opened, I was the third one in…and the first one out…somehow they phucked up and I didn’t show up on their system, even though on my end I had confirmation…le sigh…so I came home and made some follow up phone calls and admittedly got somewhat testy…(I was hangry and still fasting)…they gave me the option of doing the lab work early tomorrow morning and DR visit in the early afternoon…nope…I was not about to do another fast, especially overnight and insomnia likely to happen again…so I got busy emptying every drawer and doing some refolding and purging as I waited for a call back with an okay to get the lab work done…the testiness worked in my favor (by testy I mean somewhat bitchy…why lie)…just super frustrating when they have access to my medical records, last visit, etc…yet they can’t get it together…and just now I had to call to re-confirm my appointment for tomorrow as they sent me 2 messages with different appointment times…fingers crossed that they don’t phuck it up between now and tomorrow afternoon…

fuckery

Hushful…

quotes-1197

Begin the begin…not to be confused with the beguine, though doing a rumba might be easier than making any type of personal statement…but my begin, begins with….wait for it….

nothing…yup…

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Mental break…

Two hours in and I’ve already had quite the eventful night…which is a welcome distraction….glad it happened early on and was easy to deal with…so much appreciate the quick response from law enforcement….so glad it is Friday it has been a long week, I’ve yet to fully recover from last weekend. I am ready for a weekend of full on R&R, I may work on a few projects or I may do absolutely nothing…I do know I will have good company, there is that little girl that owns my heart, she has probably already planned a sleep over….doesn’t fail on weekends, she is my weekend buddy…the good thing is that she is getting better at entertaining herself so I get my rest/sleep…which I will need. As I hit the keys on this keyboard and see the words that are coming out of my head I am not too thrilled to see how old and tired I have become…not just with me but with the marrow…

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