4:44am

I’m wide awake and have been for a while now… insomnia, back pain, racing thoughts, too many thoughts… not all good, not all bad.

I may get up and indulge in coffee being that I can’t indulge in sleep.

I can’t concentrate on a new book, couldn’t get into the 3 book series I had lined up… I lost/unintentionally left a book behind… Wah..I was almost done reading it too…

I’m not in touch with reality or people.

I am alone.

Coffee it is.

A shift is in the air….

…and it’s got nothing to do with the weather. 

It’s been a while since I have been here to have a self talk…I know I should do it more often but then life happens and I don’t.

What is going on in my world??? So much of the sameness and a whole lot of nothing new and exciting. I did put a muzzle on myself and I’ve had to yank on it when I catch myself slipping…it’s always good to know your audience and especially good to know when said audience is not interested. Am I rambling..yup yup, do I need to make sense? No…I am talking to myself and I’m not even a captive audience to myself. 

I’ve been enlightened by new epiphanies…that’s always refreshing.

Muscle spasms suck balls… But who gives a shit…I forgot..and keep forgetting to take my vitamins.

And I just bored myself… so off to read or watch the boob tube then read.

Pasta later

Welcome to the Shit Show 2021 Edition

The Apocalypse

The Shit Show Part 205 the Coronavirus from 2020 continues.

Shit Show Shit we just don’t even want to touch: The trumpery shit…nope…leaving that shit alone, shit BGONE

Shit Show Part 297 X-rays confirmed that the hardware in my back is not as tight as it was, screws are loose. (But we already knew that about me.) Surgery is thankfully not recommended at this time. Continued pain management is recommended. I hate narcotics. I’m coping/managing/living/dying/here. All is well. (NOT)

Shit Show Part 304 San Angelo’s water was contaminated with numerous chemicals, cleared for most areas but still a danger to some residents. No concrete answers have been provided, in depth information can be found using Google. I won’t bore with the details that have been made public. I could speculate, surmise or whatnot but in all fairness I do not have all the facts. Needless to say we had a few days of trying to maintain hygiene through creativity and good old fashioned common sense. Baby wipes, body wipes, facial wipes, sanitizing wipes, bottled water…I don’t have any favorites but I was ecstatic when we were given the all clear and I could get in my shower and luxuriate in a hot shower.

Shit Show Part 401 Snow, heavy snow, strong winds followed some sleet and rain…the results have not been favorable for most of Texas. Here (as in most every other city, state or municipality I have ever lived in) people are idiots on the road on the regular. Add rain, traffic accidents increase, throw in some sleet and fatalities begin to occur…mix in some snow and you get a shitfest on wheels. The State of Texas is not equipped to handle this type of weather, State workers are scrambling to order supplies and equipment to treat the roads. February 11th saw a massive 100+ car pileup with numerous fatalities and many more severely injured. Hundreds of families have been impacted, the true toll will never be truly known. It is now the 16th, we (mainly me, since I am the author of this) expect that the roads will not be completely cleared statewide for some time, a week, two…more. We are expecting rising temperatures which will help to melt some of this messy stuff….you know that white stuff called snow that looks so beautiful and postcard perfect when we look out the window…yeah I hate that white shit…

More crap, cause it’s still early in 2021.

Shit Show Part 424 I started my work week last night, went home to a cold house, power had gone out between 3-4am, it came back on at some point for maybe 10 minutes. Lunch was had, yay for gas stove. Then Part 548 of the Shit Show...discovered a burst water pipe. Had to shut the water off. Think we are going to find a plumber to come out in this crazy snow packed day? Nope, the plumbers have nice caring bosses that are not going to send them out for their safety. So no water again…oh but thankfully I had showered before the pipe busted. The man valiantly tried to fix the problem, but alas it was not feasible, but not for lack of trying, poor guy ventured out to the home improvement store 3 times. He also called plumbers and explained what was going on.

Shit show part 696. Busted water pipe at the shelter I work at. More than 50 % of the facility was flooded. The facility directors did get restoration experts to come out, they currently have tons of equipment going, so while I thankfully have heat, water and WIFI, I also have the alarm system chirping incessantly, I have the loud humming of the huge industrial fans, the stench of wet carpet….but hey I have heat, so all is good. I can always pass out later from the fumes. First photo shows water in the janitor closet, you can see the mop bucket filling up. The second is our Children’s Activity Room (sad face)

There is a lot more Shit Showy Shit but this is a good enough summation.

So 2021 what else you got???

Shut  the front door, back door…don’t forget the rest…

Shutting down, doors, windows, head, heart, etc…so fucking exhausted, physically, mentally and every which way. Been up all night, massive headache, bitching back pain…today I don’t think I can muster the slightest pretense of normalcy. I have been putting off getting my back checked, my biggest fear would be the need for additional surgery. I’m tired of medicating. Having a difficult time concentrating on the simple things. So for now I’m going to just stay in my own space. 

Unbearable…

I am in constant pain but lately it has escalated to a level that I am having to go to my room and have my little bitch cry fest, which I prefer to do privately…I hate this, I tend to get pissy…and poor baby girl gets a side of grandma that is not the best….in all fairness I do encourage her to go home…but she wants to be here with me regardless. I don’t wish this on anyone and I am just so fucking exhausted from it…I know I have to go get answers for treatment, but I am not in any rush at this point…Will continue to stay away from doctors office until they get a handle on this current global mess. I also need to do better at monitoring my intake of drugs, sure as hell don’t need another overdose…

Right now I don’t feel strong

Be kind.


When I came in to work last night I had a client that was complaining of having pain (I have to take the client at their word)….so I asked if she needed to go to the ER. Client said yes, so I garb up with my mask, grab keys, wallet, hand sanitizer and inform client we are taking the van…I instruct client that for her safety as well as mine I need her to sit in the very back as far away from me as possible…that turned into a minor discussion/argument as she “felt” insulted…I calmly explained to her that I have a family I do not want exposed anymore than is necessary and she is currently pregnant so I am also taking into account her unborn child….she proceeded to call me a few choice words…just a minor verbal assault…we get to the ER and now she wants me to go in with her…she pleads…begs and refuses to get out of the vehicle…I calmly inform her that I am unable to go in with her and I need her to make a choice, go in and get checked or return back to the shelter…she chose to stay but it took a good 10 minutes for her to get out…there are a few things I tolerate, but I am not paid enough to be cussed at/verbally assaulted, I am an “Essential” employee, I do not get hazard pay. I am respectful to these clients even though many times they are quite a handful…anywho when I returned to the office I proceeded to complete incident reports and write ups…shortly thereafter she called to say she was ready to be picked up…on the way back she asked if I had written her up and how many write-ups can she get before she is asked to leave the shelter…SIGH***she was written up twice on the previous shift, her stay is precarious and she is on a behavioral contract that has been grossly violated…to be in a Domestic Violence Shelter and to verbally assault the staff is not kosher…this individual is pregnant, has a limited education, no motivation to better her situation…staff has been working with her for quite some time in trying to motivate her to complete her education…all while putting up with her atrocious behavior. I informed her that I did have two write-ups to add to her previous two and the additional ones in her file…this is not the time to be trying to get yourself kicked out of a shelter…..Some people….#bekind

Rushed and crushed…

So early this morning I get a call from the doctors office…can I come back? They have it in their notes that I work overnight and prefer early appointments, they have an 8 am opening, can I make it? Well let me juggle some balls….yup, managed to get someone to come in early and I go back to the imaging lab…for a biopsy, nothing like rushing around and not having time to think about the procedure, I didn’t even ask what type or anything…thankfully no sedation required, FNA Biopsy (Fine Needle Aspiration) Just a Band-Aid and some mild to moderate discomfort…what a trooper I am….seriously…should have results later today or tomorrow, I am good waiting until tomorrow, too much going on today to think about waiting on THAT call…and I am off, this was my morning break, have to head back out…so glad my Friday is tonight.fna

Eternally Pessimistic…

Earlier this month I had the girls looked at and squished…you know just a basic screening, Monday I had a call back to go back for a second mammo…now we are at the diagnostic stage, as I was leaving I was called back for an ultrasound, so two mammos and an ultrasound, that hurts the pocketbook…as I was laying there getting the ultrasound I was able to see the screen and I saw a mass on the screen…of course the tech cannot speculate or provide any feedback…so now I wait until my Doctor calls me back…so my mind of course starts to go to the dark side…I have to mentally prepare for the worst, in my head I have made the decision to let one of the girls go, maybe both of them, they are twins and one without the other would be odd and incomplete…then I start thinking of a chest tat…and of course even darker…am I at stage one, two or….yep, always gotta go with the worst thoughts possible….great start to the week….but I should have answers soon…and no I am not stressed….yet…nor have I talked to anyone about this…so if you are here reading this then you are probably the first to hear about this, stay tuned for an update…ttfn

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