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Excruciating…

I can’t move….I hate this, so minimal movement until this subsides, I have medicated myself and placed myself in a position where everything I might need is within reach….except the pot. not the smoking kind, but the one you piss in…maybe if I had the other….hmmm…when will this end…and what the fuck is the point, I don’t even have the energy for an internal debate…I just want to crawl in a corner and die…but fuck I can’t even crawl…sucks to be me…and that there concludes my pity party.

I’ve pending research to tend to…and then shuffle my ass to bed where I hope to pass out until I go to work.

 

Overwhelmed…

So just last week I was all excited because I made the adult decision to refinance my house…over the phone and fresh off an overnight shift. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am quite capable in many aspects of my life, but I can get overwhelmed with certain things, I had been putting off the paperwork and decided to tackle it this morning, 5 pages in and my anxiety shot up like a motherfucker. I just can’t. So now I need to send an email to whoever was to be holding my hand virtually through this process and say never mind and please don’t contact me because I will have a heart attack. I don’t understand why this happens, same with my retirement account…you’d think I’d be open to taking care of this shit but I can’t. I’d rather be shot between the eyes and avoid the anxiety.

I’m working through this by writing about it. I know I have a non refundable fee to pay for initializing this process….and I’m okay with that…just make it all go away. so I remain stuck and frustrated and pissed off at myself and actually I am now in tears because my anxiety is just going up….why does adulting have to suck? I shoulda been born a princess and not have to worry about this shit.

I am retreating, I just can’t, writing is not helping, well, it did help some but I’m giving myself an ulcer. Wah

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid….

03.Top-Therapies-for-Anxiety-Disorders

Just could not keep from the racing thoughts…my mind is all over the place….somewhat bipolar I’d say….I gave up trying to sleep, I got up and sadly I missed the call from my number 3…all in all it was a good day….spent time with my number 2, my number 1 called early and my daughter from another mother surprised me with lunch….even better I didn’t have to think about what to pick as she took care of all that.

Back to the thoughts…nothing is resolved with everything that cropped up…tempted to take steps and begin a conversation geared towards a resolution, but truth be told I don’t have any idea of what conclusion would be befitting of what is not actually requiring an end….see? no cohesive thought….sigh….

I’m hungry.

Racing-Thoughts-Crop

My pain levels have been on an upswing…for the last few weeks it has been spiking at 10+….I’ve once again increased the intake of narcotics…not a fan, especially after weaning myself from them….what to do…grin and bear it….I hesitate to go back to a doctor, I already know San Angelo does not have anyone qualified to deal with the laundry list of issues related to my pain….if I get a referral that will take me out of town and any which way I go I am looking at a 3+ hour drive….so…I suck it up…I know things will continue to deteriorate and I have a feeling that is what is happening…wah….right now I am wanting to find relief and I know what it will take…I just hate that that is how I will get it…and off I go to bury myself under my covers…

tired

Sojourn of Silence

My sojourn of silence is coming to an end, I think I’m making it a short week of quiet, it really hasn’t been as quiet as I’d have hoped…I did have complete control of the tone and volume of social media. I have been spending more time with my little one and that time is priceless to me…I have been communing with nature…in the form of yard work….I have been reading more and writing more (on other forums) I have written a couple of pieces that I may release for publication….though that hasn’t been written in stone yet….I may end up reading it and hitting delete as I am prone to do….tomorrow morning is follow up lab work…I will have to fast overnight…..that sucks, I don’t know if I will pull it off or not, if I do I will stop and have breakfast before getting home…..anywho…time to get ready for the princess.

It took a head scratching while for the perspicacity I once was well-known for to figure out what happened to my shows on HULU…apparently it is a contract situation, in hindsight I should have taken heed when I saw the “expiring” yellow lines….I was left with several episodes yet to air for one show and another just started this Tuesday on the network that I saw part of the pilot episode that looked intriguing …oh well…I suppose if I get the urge to see what I am visually missing I could hunt down the episodes on other platforms….but that is unlikely….very likely I will go for the written word on a blog that recaps the more popular telenovelas in a witty, biting, often times sarcastic and hilarious way…

Depressive ruminations are the bane of my existence…if I stay focused on mindless crap, like cheesy telenovelas…then I can remove or bypass the issues at hand that wear me out….and no I am not clinically depressed…just the thought that I have not resolved anything bites.

I am still digging my vow of silence, not that it has been 100% quiet….because it hasn’t….it has been somewhat productive, thought I must say my yard does look like a disgruntled dude named Jose from Jesus’ lawn service has massacred my lawn.

 

Time to get moving before I doze off….ain’t got time for that nonsense right now…

Occurrences

So it occurs to me that perhaps I would be best served by helping myself….so I must rethink the idea of taking in a tenant…in the main house….in order for that to occur I must make changes to make my bedroom a sanctuary, a TV room and a dining room. I cringe at the thought of such a drastic change, I have entertained the idea of perhaps taking on a second job….but I don’t think my body would be open to that happening…

I don’t know how I feel about a female roommate…so that leaves a male roommate….but it must be someone I am going to be platonically compatible with….this person cannot in any way shape or form hold any attraction to females, more specifically to me. I am not interested in “that” type of a roommate….just looking to lessen the financial burden of this too-big-for-me house.

roomy

So yeah…must do research on how best to word an ad, how best to conduct an interview to determine compatibility…or maybe play the lottery…

It appears that I am going in for more therapy and tackling the backyard again….

TTFN

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