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Annoyances….

So many annoyances….

Religion…
I(idiot…no not me…but yeah, sometimes I can be) Why don’t you believe?
R(me) Why do you?
I-I was raised Catholic
R-That’s all you got?
I-yes, I was raised in the church and that’s what my parents taught me.
R-Sounds like indoctrination
I-No, it was how I was raised
R-again, Sounds like indoctrination
I-huh….
R-yeah, that’s what I thought….you are basically telling me that you only believe because you were told to, taught to, take your pick, me, I just formed my own thoughts and opinions, and they may be wrong, but at least I’m formulating my own thoughts and not espousing someone else’s views that are just passed on generationally.
I-huh
R-no bible thumping please, I had my fill from one idiot (or two) to last me a lifetime.

Dating….

I have simple criteria….that means 3 basic things have to be met before I consider a date…
1. Must have a job
2. Must have transportaion (preferably your own)
3. Must not live with mommy

I’m not looking for a boyfriend (I’m too old for that) I don’t need, like or want a needy, insecure and clingy asshat. Don’t call me, then call me back 15 minutes later and tell me you’ve missed me. Then whine that I don’t like you or ever say I miss you. Hello…you need to give me time to miss you…so go away…stay away…be gone for a week…or two…or even three….I can’t stand a needy person.

Never ending home repairs…sigh…enough said…

and insomnia….I hate insomnia…gives me too much time to think about this shit that annoys me…but I have to keep it in because if I tell the asshats and idiots how I really feel they get butt hurt…I just can’t find it in me to give a shit sometimes….I know…breathe…and type…bitch or blow….now time to go make me some coffee and get ready for work. Happy Monday to me.asshat

El Don

Regalo o cosa que se da voluntariamente en señal de afecto.
Translation: A gift or thing that is voluntarily given as a sign of affection.

Countless….heat for my water, a stick on my fence, an ear for my words, a lock (or two or ten) for my door, a mower for my grass, a blower for the weeds, a brush for the paint on my walls, sealant for a leak, a charge for my battery, a battery ….the list just goes on and on….

But it isn’t about all the little things….it’s about all the little things put together.

Sometimes gifts arrive in unsuspecting packages. I’m not into gifts of the material kind, more importantly for me is the gift of self: trust, companionship, friendship, shared laughter….but a helping hand goes a long way.

A storied past, a colorful life….we all have our stories…stories muddied in violence, deceptions, love, hate…all forming little pieces of a puzzle that when put together create a big picture, a life story. I enjoy the intricacies of extracting the little nuggets of life that form each little piece….a short or long session where the truth of a soul comes out. Revelations made in turn, speaking over each other and filling in the blanks….rediscovering old forgotten memories, revisiting old memories and more importantly creating new memories.

I promised someone I would have a piece written for them born out of inspiration, in my head the story is still being written, still being pieced together….but a preface…well that I can start off with.

It’s been a long time since I came here to upload some nonsense….life has kept me busy….my insomnia hasn’t improved, probably never will, at least not without medical intervention or pharmacuetical intervention….I’d rather not go that route….anywho I am a little chilled right now, it is 38 degrees right now and my feet are cold…I’ve had my coffee…some toasted ameretto I picked up…it is subtly nutty…I LIKE!!!

After finally resolving my housing situation I’ve been working on home improvement projects, changing out doors, new locks, painting and hopefully today while I am at work my yard will get tended to. I’ve got more weeds and stickers and the whole yard needs to be redone….also on the list…floor restoration….at least that is my hope….to restore my hardwood floors, and tile some rooms. I am so tired of the carpet…there is only one spot…thanks to number 2, but otherwise no spots, but a very much visible path of heavy foot traffic. So tired of looking at it.

Almost time for me to start getting ready for work….my back is killing me…I feel officially old….I am now feeling the changes in temperature….that has eluded me for years, people would ask if I could feel the upcoming cold weather…well damn it, I can now…and I fucking hate it.

My time is up….

My time in this place I have called home for the last 17+ years is coming up….I feel like I’m done here, I have a strong desire to just be gone…I have until the end of next year. I want my youngest to not have the trauma of being uprooted his last year. But I have found it difficult to shop for a home in another city via the internet…just doing it here locally sucks…photos can be manipulated to give the impression that it is a good neighborhood, street views, interior and exterior shots….sigh….so I have made a decision that has sucked the life out of me and sent me into a depressive state. I’ve decided to stay. I have things to consider like logistics and expenses….due to my physical limitations I can’t have certain things…stairs, big yards…which I don’t need. I just need a small space. I am already slowly packing stuff up…taking pictures off the wall. Packing up dishes and thinking of just giving everything away….I hate moving, I hate asking people to help…even if those people are my own kids. I hate not having the physical strength to do it on my own. I don’t need a lot of the things I have accumulated over the years….my biggest collections that mean anything are my books and clothes….and of course all the photos of the kids and a few keepsakes….but that is still a lot of crap. I’ve been dismantling my library….giving books away as soon as I am done….I’ll be using towels to keep breakables from breaking….my son is bringing me boxes so I can start….small boxes that I can manage…by the end I’ll probably have 20,000+ boxes….but they’ll be manageable….but I’ll be trying to sell 2 dining tables, sofa, loveseat, bookcases….and I’m sure a ton of other crap. This next chapter of my life will be just me….there have been some relationships with family that will never be recovered and while sad I also realize that I’m better off without the negativity…I have my own negativity to deal with…don’t need anyone else’s…wah…I’m off to have me a pity party….

Randomness….

Thoughts running through my head…thinking of my friend T and the ordeal she is undergoing….hating that there is not a thing I can do for her. Knowing she is in a hospital, knowing how much hospitals suck….knowing too much and not knowing enough. Life can suck. MzT…you are in my thoughts…and no prayers here. Love ya!

 

Waiting….

Muscle relaxer and pain pill down the hatch….note to self….next time the stupid idea to do yard work strikes….strike back…or strike a match. I used to be able to do all the yard work required to maintain a decent looking property…today…not so much. And I enjoy doing it….my back is hating me for it….big time. I can’t even start a lawn mower on my own….that sucks balls. #3 had to start it for me a couple of times. The third time I just gave up and let him finish up. I hate, hate, hate not being able to do these basic things….things I could do BEFORE. I miss so much of that….it is a reminder that I no longer have the ability to be self sufficient. I’m so not good with that. The added pain makes it that much more painful to pick up my precious bundle of joy….soon I will have to make changes there. Not sure how that will work out. Today all I could do was put her down in the crib and play with her from there…..SIGH….life can suck….but my beautiful babies make it a bit better…and having this beautiful princess in my life sure makes a lot of other shit bearable….well enough for now…I’m slowly working my way back to writing. I’ve missed it and have to get back into it…it is indeed therapeutic.

 

These last few days I’ve been working on purging….it has been a catharsis…or cathartic (pun intended) experience. It is amazing how much baggage I’ve been hanging on to…alongside a mountain of medical paperwork, medical records, statements for the bazillion procedures I endured just a few years back. I think (and hope) I’ve got everything squared away. (Paid) Soon it will be time to pack it all up and get ready for the next chapter of my life. I don’t intend to drag all this crap with me, time to downsize, and bury all the dead trees that were sacrificed to print the countless statements.

And photos….from a time in my life that has forever left an imprint. Just tearing up and shredding (until my shredder burnt out) was something I needed to do and had just put off way too long.

My new thing (not so new) is “if I don’t remember, it didn’t happen”….well add to that if there is no photographic reminder then it didn’t happen….I know…not so easy…but I’m working on this…still.Image

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