Ruby’s Ruminations

Feeling the feels in a deep and profound way…I had a realization….I am not that good with criticism…well in some ways I am, I take positive criticism well, the negative not so much, but still I work with what I get…I process what I receive and I work with it…not always in the most positive of ways…I tend to retreat into myself and I am more private in the things I do, not in a way to hide what I do but if my actions are hurtful or offensive to anyone then I will go above and beyond to not be that person, by the same token I am made more aware of the same transgressions by others…and man are those transgressions off the chain…makes me realize that even at my worst I am not as bad as others…anywho to each their own…I just have to worry about me, making myself a better me…if that is a remote possibility…ha!

…and on to other things…I have been living in a bubble, getting most of my news off of social media…I aim to change that…that change started about 30 minutes ago, I have tuned into the news on a real live newsfeed…yup…now I have to work on my attention span. I will be spending less time on social media and more time reading and writing and being more aware of the world around me…baby steps of course…I have after all been sticking my head in the sand for quite a while time to revive some of my brain cells…if I still have enough left…time to dig out me DSM IV and get to reading…along with my regularly preferred fluff…said fluff consisting of death and mayhem.

RuminationsImage

Free Flow

He painted my picture

Slashes of evil, strokes of bitterness, splatters of regret

Ribbons of disgust and disdain

He then spoon fed me my beauty, my kindness, my gentle soul

ruby cantu
Soul for Sale~

The juxtaposition is confounding

I stood in front of the mirror

I spoke, on my shoulder he bespoke

I saw the joke, gee what a bloke

We then went for broke

I’m back in my nest, in need of a rest

Never at your behest, save it for the test

Searching for words to feed the birds

head-in-sand-harry-potter1
blah, blah, blah~

I found my autonomy, not easy in this economy

As my head explodes I think of my threnode

I think of the bliss, not your diss

My mind unfettered, freeing and bettered

sarcasm

Ruby Cantu 3.5.19

 

 

Closing out 2018…

So I did my end of the year post in Spanish yesterday…for some reason when I was thinking about it the thoughts only came to me in Spanish….I tried to think of why my mind was blocking English thought, no answers, for the record I think mostly in English, my dreams (from what I can remember of them) are also in English….anywho….I was reflecting on friendships, the loss of friends whether through just life events, choice, circumstance or whatever the cause…some of those losses I have felt deeply while others were inconsequential….I have a hard time trusting anyone to be a part of my small world, the people I do let in my world get to know me…(not the whole of me, for that I am not now or never will be able to fully trust any one individual to know that much about me). In some ways my world is getting smaller….that part is by choice….and just like yesterdays post I once again lost my train of thought….I suppose to surmise where all this gobbledygook is going is that in some way I am mourning the losses of 2018. And while I was attempting to gather my thoughts I came across this:123118

Cerrando el año con broche de oro

Ya el año esta por llegar a su fin…adios a las amistades que se han perdido por diferentes questiones, cosas del destino, cosas de la vida, por inseguridades masculinas y tambien femeninas, pero no tanto como lo masculino, alli si que no hay competencia o comparasion. Adios a la familia que se perdio, pero tan bien familia recuperada. Nuevas experencias, este año no hay deseo para celebrar, las celebraciones ya se dieron en su momento y con las personas que importan. Con toda certeza y honestidad si extraño algunas amistades pero que se le va hacer….en mi vida no tengo pacencia para babosadas y mucho menos para los babosos..en mi vido solo hay lugar para la paz..y ya se me fue la honda….pero en unos momentos yo solita me empieso mi celebracion, solita y muy agusto…y ese es mi broche de oro!2019

And again…it has been a while…

I’ve missed writing, I miss my writing mojo, I miss so very much, now let me count the ways…the what, and what nots or just ramble…later this AM I am embarking on a road trip…I have not recovered from the last road trip…I miss my BOUNCE….before I could go road tripping, walk around all over the place, go back to my room, get a shower, get a few hours of sleep and do it again and again until the weekend ended…now…not so much…the pain is unbearable, the exhaustion from trying to function, to be human, to be kind, to be everything I was easily before…it sucks, sucks big fat purple monkey balls. I hate this existence…it has caused me to reevaluate a major dream I had…I feel robbed of my independence….I have always prided myself in doing for myself, tackling anything that came my way…I have never liked asking for any help, not from my kids, not from family or friends…now, not to sound ungrateful or anything…I am quite grateful and very appreciative for any and all help I have received or continue to receive…but that doesn’t take away from my feelings….and boy do I have some strong ass feelings of uselessness… I do still maintain my home and maintain an existence that seems not too bad…and others have it much worse, and blah, blah, blah…but I am not here to ramble on about anyone else, this, THIS is about me…and right now I don’t like me, I don’t like the sinking darkness that envelops me, I feel a heavy cloak of darkness, exhaustion…sofa king tired…I just don’t want this, and here I am to vent, bitch and whine…not to be confused with wine…that’ll be later…after all a good coping mechanism can be found at the bottom of a barrel or wine bottle…so for now I intend to continue to wallow in my self pity, in my warm and heavy darkness, I am not interested in leaving my pity party until I am good and ready, I don’t need therapy, I don’t need any well meaning anyone trying to draw me out…I am well equipped to handle my “episodes” all on my own, sort myself out and put my fake ass smile on when I am good and ready…and for anyone familiar with RBF, well a big part of that is being all up in my self and in my feelings. I don’t set out to have a distant, fuck off, fuck you look, but there you go, and there it is and there I am or here I am. THIS is/was my therapy, putting words to my feelings, to my thoughts…and with that this is it for now…making a vow to myself to get back to finding my voice…even if it is just in written form…much preferable to actually using that voice IRL.

TTFN

Ponderful weekend…

My weekend is coming to a close, it has been a great weekend…nice and quiet….I had my baby girl for a while, enjoyed her company. I’ve coffeed, read, cleaned, scrubbed…but most importantly I have listened to my body. It still screams at me and it was very loud in wanting to let me know about the upcoming rain and weather changes. I indulged some major guilty pleasures…no witnesses, no judgements, no questions….hadn’t had the time to indulge myself…I’ll be set for a while on that end. I didn’t get around to getting the yard done…I was tempted to push through the pain…but I exercised my better judgement and listened to my body…I need to do more of that. Lots of things I need to do more of…on that note I am off to do just that.giphy

aye so tired…

Mentally exhausted, physically exhausted…I do believe the mental exhaustion exacerbates the physical exhaustion….I gave myself permission to be lazy this morning, shifting my bedtime routine so I feel the slight differences…surprising what a small change of routine can do…

Been having my boys on my mind, miss them, miss my gbaby…she is growing so fast, I have one of each here (son and granddaughter) and enjoy them as much as possible, still I miss the other two boys…sigh…sometimes I wish I could clone myself and be everywhere…heck I wish I just had the energy to travel to see them…oh well…head is full of randomness…better shut it down…I think that is what it’s going to take…just a good mental break…from myself…

bokeh photo of man wearing black dress shirt
Photo by Danang Wicaksono on Pexels.com

 

Triggers…make you go pow, pow

When does no mean yes? How much push should you push when you push back?

Anywho, had a pleasant day with my little one, she continues to astound me with her intelligence, her insight, her sense of humor…just everything about her I love…except the whining….I don’t like that.

Spoke to all three of my boys, collectively as well as individually…except my number 3…it was short and sweet there…my heart hurts, my head hurts…like my brain hurts….so much said, so much not said…demons…we all have them…we can’t all slay them on our own…I wish I could slay others demons…sigh…I am all random here, so much going on in my head…I don’t expect anything up above to make sense to anyone…if I was having an actual conversation with anyone it really would sound like what is in print….best to keep shit to myself…hmm…should just go grab some ice cold water and read myself to sleep…night….good thing about tomorrows…a chance to have a fresh start or screw shit up…

Much ado about nada…

Fingers crossed lest I speaketh to soon…spent all night on high alert…thankfully the only thing with any flash bang and pop was the night sky. The night sky was lit up with an amazing light show….it rained and rained and that made me happy…I did go out and got partially drenched…it felt good but my hair doesn’t agree…oh well…it is Friday and I am going to go straight home for a nap so I can be energized for my little princess…might have to figure out something for us to do or go somewhere…we shall see…if not activities will be on todays agenda…I will stay away from yard work even though the temptation is strong and the desire even stronger…..must slap hands…and why do some women have to be so utterly stupid…I see a cow smoking up a storm….said cow is in her third trimester…I currently have no compassion for said cow. well almost time for me to get things wrapped up and end my shift…45 minutes or so and I can get out of here…yay.

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