Ponderful weekend…

My weekend is coming to a close, it has been a great weekend…nice and quiet….I had my baby girl for a while, enjoyed her company. I’ve coffeed, read, cleaned, scrubbed…but most importantly I have listened to my body. It still screams at me and it was very loud in wanting to let me know about the upcoming rain and weather changes. I indulged some major guilty pleasures…no witnesses, no judgements, no questions….hadn’t had the time to indulge myself…I’ll be set for a while on that end. I didn’t get around to getting the yard done…I was tempted to push through the pain…but I exercised my better judgement and listened to my body…I need to do more of that. Lots of things I need to do more of…on that note I am off to do just that.giphy

aye so tired…

Mentally exhausted, physically exhausted…I do believe the mental exhaustion exacerbates the physical exhaustion….I gave myself permission to be lazy this morning, shifting my bedtime routine so I feel the slight differences…surprising what a small change of routine can do…

Been having my boys on my mind, miss them, miss my gbaby…she is growing so fast, I have one of each here (son and granddaughter) and enjoy them as much as possible, still I miss the other two boys…sigh…sometimes I wish I could clone myself and be everywhere…heck I wish I just had the energy to travel to see them…oh well…head is full of randomness…better shut it down…I think that is what it’s going to take…just a good mental break…from myself…

bokeh photo of man wearing black dress shirt
Photo by Danang Wicaksono on Pexels.com

 

Triggers…make you go pow, pow

When does no mean yes? How much push should you push when you push back?

Anywho, had a pleasant day with my little one, she continues to astound me with her intelligence, her insight, her sense of humor…just everything about her I love…except the whining….I don’t like that.

Spoke to all three of my boys, collectively as well as individually…except my number 3…it was short and sweet there…my heart hurts, my head hurts…like my brain hurts….so much said, so much not said…demons…we all have them…we can’t all slay them on our own…I wish I could slay others demons…sigh…I am all random here, so much going on in my head…I don’t expect anything up above to make sense to anyone…if I was having an actual conversation with anyone it really would sound like what is in print….best to keep shit to myself…hmm…should just go grab some ice cold water and read myself to sleep…night….good thing about tomorrows…a chance to have a fresh start or screw shit up…

Much ado about nada…

Fingers crossed lest I speaketh to soon…spent all night on high alert…thankfully the only thing with any flash bang and pop was the night sky. The night sky was lit up with an amazing light show….it rained and rained and that made me happy…I did go out and got partially drenched…it felt good but my hair doesn’t agree…oh well…it is Friday and I am going to go straight home for a nap so I can be energized for my little princess…might have to figure out something for us to do or go somewhere…we shall see…if not activities will be on todays agenda…I will stay away from yard work even though the temptation is strong and the desire even stronger…..must slap hands…and why do some women have to be so utterly stupid…I see a cow smoking up a storm….said cow is in her third trimester…I currently have no compassion for said cow. well almost time for me to get things wrapped up and end my shift…45 minutes or so and I can get out of here…yay.

When you hurt…you know..

Or at least I do, I know I am alive, I know I am stupid, I know I have limitations, I know I exceeded the limitations, I know I can still do stupid stuff and more importantly I just know I Cantu (can too).

I decided to do some yard work, which I wholeheartedly enjoy…unfortunately my back is not so fond of my lack of better judgement…I’ll start feeling the tightness, the messages sent to my brain, but something in me refuses to quit…I keep pushing and pushing…and here we are days later and still hurting (a lot) but also I am waiting for the pain to ease up so I can get back to it…yes, I could easily engage in getting help…but that would be depriving myself of such a simple joy…minus the fucking calluses. Those I don’t like, but I have manly rough hands, nothing sissy about my hands…nothing sissy about me at all…

And on to other things…my brain has been foggier, more so than what has become the norm….could be the drugs, could be the lack of activity (mental) I have been having a hard time getting into finishing a book I just started…granted when I am in pain I just cannot concentrate…so I pick the book up and keep reading the same 2-3 pages and putting it back down…I know, this too shall pass…like a kidney stone or stuck compacted turd.

And another thing I really do think I should get back to writing, like seriously my brain needs the self stimulation that only I can provide for it.

And that’s all I have for now.

 

2018…..

Started the year with a bang, fizz, pop, and a slew of other bang ups, mash ups, fuck ups…busted pipe, broken heater, remnants of the 2017 flu…it wasn’t all a bad start…there was good thrown in the mix…my babies came to visit, had my #3 for 3 weeks, my #1 for 1 day…had a baby shower for the #3 and his Mrs…anxiously awaiting the arrival of my second little girl…it has been fun tormenting my baby girl Kenzy…she is not thrilled at the idea of sharing her favorite grandma…visited with a CO cousin, explored new parts of my favorite city…renewed connections, while others fizzled…the fizzling is such a grown up part…had a weird connection with someone that out of the blue was blasting me with messages, then an apology and some ghosting….laughable cause I prefer to do the ghosting…stepping on my gig….sheesh…I also have been doing the hermit thing, enjoying it for the most part. I have even begged off of meeting up with peeps….part of me wants to reconnect, while another part is content with the solitude…I don’t trust too many people, I sometimes let my guard down and unfortunately those instances when I do is when the reality that a disappointment will ensue rears its ugly head…part of the chatter with the blaster included the diatribe of expectations…I still maintain that for me it is best to keep those expectations low to non existent, minimizes the disappointment….looking forward to what this year will bring…besides a bday milestone…Happy New Year!!!!low-expectations-quotes-4.jpg

Darkness…

How do you say goodbye to the dark?

Open a door?

Close it?

Open the window?

Close it?

Turn on the light?

Open your eyes?

I can’t say goodbye to it, it lives within me

To borrow from a title of a book….a darkness more than night….I get it.

 

I just can’t…

I took off for the weekend to one of my favorite places to spend time with some of my favorite people and while it was a nice visit I am still paying for it…I left right after work, made pretty good time, arrived at my destination, unloaded my car and then took off to check out a thrift store a few miles down the road, I piddled around and returned….after a while I made it out again to join my brother in picking up a few provisions for the weekend. We did the usual, visit, share laughter and then made it to bed….then HOLY FUCK…I woke up in so much pain, when I did make it downstairs it was quite apparent to the family as to how bad it was…I wanted to come back home, I didn’t want them to see me like that…I simply did not have the strength to get back home. Saturday I didn’t even step out the door…much of it is a blur due to the energy I expended in trying to function…I am still expending that energy to get by. I hate it. FML doesn’t even cover it. This week is closer to the weekend, yay….my weekend will be more recovery…I think of my friends who have it so¬† much worse and can’t even get out of bed…I don’t want to be the whiney, bitchy old bitter lady I am becoming…there is a way out with dignity, the time will come to explore those options. Pity party over.

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