You could never get her to feel, truly there was a lack of empathy, guilt, conscience or remorse no matter her transgressions. From those earlier days when kicking a cat across the rock strewn driveway, watching it land on its side and mew in pain and fear. She felt a sense of satisfaction knowing she was causing pain to that annoying four-legged mangy cat. She could guilelessly walk away feeling no sense of remorse for her actions. People were like cats to her, not all the people but those she harbored anger and resentment towards…and there were plenty of those.
She showcases shallow experiences of feelings or emotions, she can feel, but those feelings can only be subtly detected. She is aware that other people expect her to react to certain situations with certain emotions. She can fake those emotions in certain situations, to the casual observer all would appear normal, for someone more familiar with her the effort does not go unnoticed.
Impulsivity and a weak ability to defer gratification and control behavior foreshadows any future confirmation that her amygdala was damaged at birth or within the first year of life. Perhaps it was that incident at around 6 months of age where she “took” a tumble and landed on the concrete floor head first bouncing her brain and disconnecting tissues and censors or whatnot. Speculation could certainly take an interesting route, theories naturally would abound making for a most entertaining comb through of what if’s.
Superficial she can be very charming and glib, her offhand comments seemingly roll out of her mouth, no filters are ever in evidence of use. She has made attempts to control that defect, but how do you control who you really are? She appears readily fluent, often thoughtlessly superficial and insincere. She is a fascinating study in contrasts, convincingly and believable by virtue of forcible, clear, or incisive presentation; to the point of pertinent relevancy. If she so chooses she can be the life of the party just as easily as she can blend in with a taupe wall.
Her irresponsibility and failure to accept responsibility for her actions can only confirm that she will never be honest in any self assessment of her flaws. She accepts herself as flawed and cannot understand why others would expect her to dominate the trait of perfection. She alludes to the desire to present herself as a Magdalenal virtuous embodiment of purity, but the telltale signs of her acrimonious bitter persona could never plausibly carry on the role. Truly a failure on her part.
But she is all that and I am all her.A true psychopath. And never the twain shall meet.
Ruby Cantu 