So just last week I was all excited because I made the adult decision to refinance my house…over the phone and fresh off an overnight shift. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am quite capable in many aspects of my life, but I can get overwhelmed with certain things, I had been putting off the paperwork and decided to tackle it this morning, 5 pages in and my anxiety shot up like a motherfucker. I just can’t. So now I need to send an email to whoever was to be holding my hand virtually through this process and say never mind and please don’t contact me because I will have a heart attack. I don’t understand why this happens, same with my retirement account…you’d think I’d be open to taking care of this shit but I can’t. I’d rather be shot between the eyes and avoid the anxiety.

I’m working through this by writing about it. I know I have a non refundable fee to pay for initializing this process….and I’m okay with that…just make it all go away. so I remain stuck and frustrated and pissed off at myself and actually I am now in tears because my anxiety is just going up….why does adulting have to suck? I shoulda been born a princess and not have to worry about this shit.

I am retreating, I just can’t, writing is not helping, well, it did help some but I’m giving myself an ulcer. Wah

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid….



So many annoyances….

I(idiot…no not me…but yeah, sometimes I can be) Why don’t you believe?
R(me) Why do you?
I-I was raised Catholic
R-That’s all you got?
I-yes, I was raised in the church and that’s what my parents taught me.
R-Sounds like indoctrination
I-No, it was how I was raised
R-again, Sounds like indoctrination
R-yeah, that’s what I thought….you are basically telling me that you only believe because you were told to, taught to, take your pick, me, I just formed my own thoughts and opinions, and they may be wrong, but at least I’m formulating my own thoughts and not espousing someone else’s views that are just passed on generationally.
R-no bible thumping please, I had my fill from one idiot (or two) to last me a lifetime.


I have simple criteria….that means 3 basic things have to be met before I consider a date…
1. Must have a job
2. Must have transportaion (preferably your own)
3. Must not live with mommy

I’m not looking for a boyfriend (I’m too old for that) I don’t need, like or want a needy, insecure and clingy asshat. Don’t call me, then call me back 15 minutes later and tell me you’ve missed me. Then whine that I don’t like you or ever say I miss you. Hello…you need to give me time to miss you…so go away…stay away…be gone for a week…or two…or even three….I can’t stand a needy person.

Never ending home repairs…sigh…enough said…

and insomnia….I hate insomnia…gives me too much time to think about this shit that annoys me…but I have to keep it in because if I tell the asshats and idiots how I really feel they get butt hurt…I just can’t find it in me to give a shit sometimes….I know…breathe…and type…bitch or blow….now time to go make me some coffee and get ready for work. Happy Monday to me.asshat


When it rains, it pours. It rained earlier, it was much-needed. It didn’t rain shit. Just water.

The shitstorms I’m alluding to are the things I am saving up to fix. Only to discover something else to add to the list. Not too long ago I had my bathroom shower retiled….well that was a crappy job it is now cracking and I’m sure if I was to complain to the individual that did the work I’d probably be told that the “house” has shifted and that is why the work is falling apart. *Sigh…can’t catch a break. Not that I would bother hunting down that person, I paid for other work and it too was half assed. Like the big girl that I am all I can do is hoist my granny panties all the way up my crack and suck it up. But before I do that I get to bitch and vent here. I am not up to verbally whining about it at this point….tomorrow or the day after or whenever that tomorrow is I will probably laugh about it.

Life sucks big fat purple monkey balls.

I wish I could get ahold of those balls and do a not so gentle pull and twist just to even things out a bit. And just to add a bit of snark…it is ALL a MAN’s fault. There I said…bite me!

Oh and I got my fix earlier….I was tired and made myself get out to run a quick errand, thankfully boy # 3 ran in and picked up what we needed. I sorta semi snoozed while he went in. Now I’m awake so I will probably do a bit of reading in the hope I can read myself to sleep.

Book ponderings~

Faith is believing in what you know to be false….

Very little is more irritating than the speech patterns of someone we know to be intelligent yet who is ignorant of grammar and correct usage.

He admired her strength until it overshadowed his. Then he sought to diminish her. She acquiesced well past the time she knew she should have stopped, sadly she was hoping he would have admired her resolve and her independence, he wasn’t man enough for her.

They all tried to change her, from muzzling her when she spoke her mind, to putting her down for daring to show she had a mind of her own.

She awoke one day to realize she hadn’t met a man yet who would have the balls to be a man. The balls he carried were nothing more than a scratching post or a couple of play things useful for warming up a cold hand.

Don’t be a Republican. They are self-dealing crooks with no sense of honor or patriotism to their fellow citizens. If you must be a Republican, don’t be a “conservative.”  They are whining, bitching, complaining, simple-minded self-righteous idiots who think they’re perpetual victims.

Go out and live life. Make real friends that are there for you and will have your back.

Don’t gay bash. Don’t mentally or physically abuse people because of who they are, or how they present themselves. It’s none of your business to try to intimidate people into conformity.

Randomness, updates and whatnots

The Roman philosopher Seneca the Younger wrote that living happily is “the desire of all men, but their minds are blinded to a clear vision of just what it is that makes a life happy.”

This is something that I can relate to. …and I know of at least a few others that struggle with this. …for me this means that whatever set of beliefs we own can sometimes get in the way of happiness….what a struggle…see for me this has been playing out these past couple of days, weeks, months….but this isn’t quite the forum for such a deep and personal subject, so not sure why I’m even thinking/talking/typing bout it…..so moving on….

This morning my allergies were bitchin’…most mornings that is what gets me up, so in conclusion yes, I am once again allergic to mornings…for a while I had outgrown it….so anyways…they’re back, have been back….I sneezed so hard that I didn’t have time to pull my hair out-of-the-way and you guessed it…I sneezed snot into my hair…yes…TMI and gross.

I didn’t call the pharmacy to check on my prescriptions…I talked my doc into higher doses of some of the stuff I’m already taking. I now wished I had checked to see if they were ready for pickup. I suppose I could still check, they are after all open 24/7. But I am not fit to drive at this time so might as well wait until tomorrow. Wish I had someone here I could send for a pickup….not sure what I did to my back…but I’m back to shuffling around with my walker. I so hate it. It’s now nearing a year since my last surgery and still no relief from this constant pain. When it gets this bad my anxiety goes up, and I also have other thoughts I’d rather not get into…

Oh and I think my doc must have needed some extra spending money as he talked me into a flu shot (my right arm still is sore from where they poked me) and a crapload of lab work….so I had them bleed me dry, 6 tubes of blood, both arms as the vein in my left arm clotted up before they got what they needed. They better find something wrong with me to justify the additional costs….sheesh…like I can afford all this….

Well enough bitching, moaning and whining…time to try to get myself in bed…just hope I can get up in the morning….


fuckity, fuck, fuck

Today has been a day of many ponderings…actually yesterday as I am now at Tuesday with Monday long gone…

I had a bothersome morning paying bills, there was a substantial increase to my medical insurance, I have my vehicle registration due soon, I received another notice from my doctor’s office concerning the unpaid balance…I had to settle a dispute with my wheelchair vendor…I gave it up, so it will be picked up, glad I didn’t get rid of the older wheelchair. My back has been killing me…yes, it was self-induced and well deserved…FML. Sunday was not a good day, I overdosed on pain meds to the point where I was throwing up, but lets not be all negative and offend anyone with my negativity…some good came of that, Boy # 2 finished cooking…and did a great job. I’m looking to strike a balancing chord on my blog, temper the negatives and the positives…so if I start whining too much, please somebody reel me in…

Or not…this is after all my blog, my little place in the world where I should feel safe bitching, moaning and whining…I should be able to say anything and if anyone finds that it offends them, or bores them or finds my pity party too depressing they have a choice…there is a red X in the right upper hand corner that will make this page go away….

I think the meds are talking more than I am…hmmmm…what’s good about that…oh yeah…the pain is not as intense…wooodafuckhoo…

I am incredibly snarky and jaded.

I need to try for bed…where I can lie on my heating pad and burn my back some more…what’s good about that…hmmm…can’t feel a damn fucking thing…woohoo see something good about nerve damage…yay…FML

Well I am off to try to read myself to sleep…key word TRY.



Death by fan~

Death by fan…and I don’t mean a fan like the world loves me and I have someone who has an intense, occasionally overwhelming liking and enthusiasm for me…I used to have a fan base and a fan club, back in the day when I was all hotness and whatnot, but that was before I became all crippled and old. I was 7 years old…I mean 17….

Off with their heads~
Off with their heads~

Death by fan…and I mean a ceiling fan, I’m sitting here at my desk and I have the ceiling fan overhead making these horrific noises, I can’t decide if the thing wants to fall on me or is mutating into an airplane propeller. It sounds loud enough to power a 747.

I’m hoping the thing doesn’t decide to quit working on me, I am an old menopausal women, I am currently unemployed  not working due to being incapacitated and even incapable of earning a living on my back. I am no longer getting disability benefits either…and do not be mistaken, dear gentle reader, this is not me whining about life because it sucks, I’m just stating my reality. Life is good, after all I am here to suck up the air around me.


$omebody'$ gonna pay~
$omebody'$ gonna pay~


So anyhoo…I’ll be back tomorrow to let you know if my fan kills me or not, wait…duh, if my fan kills me (because my fan is directly over my body when I am in bed) then I won’t be back, and this could possibly be the last blog you read from me, oh the horror, well for your sake, actually for the sake of my children lets hope I wake up. Two of them would be complete bastards and I would hate to burden the oldest with his brothers.

I am tired, but not ready for bed, since getting back yesterday evening I have been on my back, my back is tired and sore, the areas that were jabbed are swollen and tender, I have not been able to put my brace on due to the pain….but aside from that I haven’t had much use for it, I’ve only been up to get water refills and to flush out my liquid intake (yes I mean getting up to go to the pisser, it’s a pisser because I live with boys, if I had a girl I’d call it the powder room).


Preferably purple please~
Preferably purple please~


Tomorrow I’m hoping I’ll have energy to get me to the grocery store, I highly doubt it but I can have hope….I probably should begin working on my grocery list so I can send the boys out…actually what I would love to do is just get out of the house and forget I am a damn crip (not a gang banger~ it’s my short hand for crippled ass). Just get out and have a lunch somewhere, have a menu brought to me, have my order taken and ***snap out of it….okay, I just slapped myself out of my momentary lapse into fantasy land….


Dream a little dream~
Dream a little dream~


My reality is more mundane, so much so that I am beginning to loathe the questions

  1. “How are you?”
  2. “What are you doing?”
  3. “What’s new?”

I can summarize this really quick here: 

  1. I am still in pain.
  2. Same old same old…laying around.
  3. Not much.

My life is G~ How’s yours?



Restorative break~

All I can do is hope it works, my mental break- that is.

I just got done working on some crafts….painting….angel wings, not sure what the next step is on this craft project as all I’m doing is helping. I’ve got some magazines to read and a new stack of books.

I am physically exhausted and I am in some serious pain, it hits me in waves…to the point of pukiness. The scale is showing an additional 5 pound weight loss, I should be happy about it but this isn’t the way to lose weight. It shows on me, not in a good way, that is a 12 pound loss…oh well as much as I whine about feeling fat…I guess I’ll choose to be happy about it.

I’m off to try for a nap, maybe a nap and just laying down will help.

Create a free website or blog at WordPress.com.

Up ↑

%d bloggers like this: