That gnawing disquiet that I can’t put a name to, that gets me out of sorts because I can’t identify the sensations and resent having the feeling that I need to name my emotions. There’s a sadness and a loneliness and it frightens me, because I am never more alone than when I ponder that I have no one to share these thoughts and feelings with. I know the shape, the smell and the feel of my aloneness in my world. As I lay in bed with my pain wracked body my mind just wanders….not to thoughts of having someone to share because there isn’t, never has been and never will be. There just isn’t anyone out there built sturdily for the task. I despise weakness in men as much as I despise weakness in myself.
I caught myself as I was dozing off again…been fighting this sleep. Just not ready to close my eyes and call it a night. Of course my body overrules my mind. For a brief moment I saw myself in a distant yet very recognizable place..I was enjoying a routine of coffee, newspapers and something else that of late has been foreign to me…company….and laughter, not loud and hearty, but familiar. The chatter of loved ones around…a great way to start the day. But anywho…back to reality as pain engulfs me and has me in its grip.
I didn’t take long to unscrew the blue cap off my water bottle, the white cap off the brown bottle, I took two pills out and placed them in my mouth followed by a big swig of water to choke them down. I hope relief is quick…with so much to do I don’t want to luxuriate in the throes of this mind numbing pain…I’m so tired of it…and getting even more exhausted, mentally…that’s currently my biggest drain….ready to pull the plug….
It’s not really mornings, more like afternoon and evening, today it started this afternoon…but the last couple of days it was more in the evening. At first I thought it was the hotdogs I ate, but yesterday when I started feeling it again I determined it wasn’t the hotdogs. So I have been eating a healthy, bland diet of crackers…and water.
While I was on my 5th cracker I thought, hmmm…not too bad, if water & crackers are good enough for me, why can’t we save money on prisoners and just give them crackers and water. I bet they are eating a more nutritious meal than I am…drinking milk, not that I care for milk….
My brain has an itch it can’t scratch…seriously if I had the energy to pack it all up now and just split I would. I miss that carefree part of my life when I was able to just pack it up and move. Sure back then when I was doing it I swore I was tired of moving so much. I guess more than anything I miss my old life. I had a life, I had friends, real friends…but life happens, and I haven’t been the best of friends. I don’t call on friends often, never have…if the internet didn’t keep me connected I probably wouldn’t know how anyone is doing.
So where is all this rambling coming from????
There are many things I hate to admit to myself much less to anyone else. One of those is weakness. I detest weakness in people, especially in myself, it is too human of an emotion and I don’t have the time, the patience or the inclination to cultivate that feeling. So I will wallow in self pity for a minute or two or ten then I will reel it in and go back to functioning without it. Gosh, what an aggravating emotion….of the gazillion emotions on any emotion list, that has to be my least favorite. It makes me feel twenty shades of anger and resentment….so I am purging myself, not something I do often, well I take it back, I do whine quite often so in a way I am purging something or other, and today I am purging weakness. I can’t say that in this particular moment I’ve beaten it, but surely by the end of the day I can breathe a sigh of relief and let it flush out and away from my body….if not I will eat a single serving of candy corn, that would be 22 pieces at 140 calories…but who’s counting…