El Don

Regalo o cosa que se da voluntariamente en señal de afecto.
Translation: A gift or thing that is voluntarily given as a sign of affection.

Countless….heat for my water, a stick on my fence, an ear for my words, a lock (or two or ten) for my door, a mower for my grass, a blower for the weeds, a brush for the paint on my walls, sealant for a leak, a charge for my battery, a battery ….the list just goes on and on….

But it isn’t about all the little things….it’s about all the little things put together.

Sometimes gifts arrive in unsuspecting packages. I’m not into gifts of the material kind, more importantly for me is the gift of self: trust, companionship, friendship, shared laughter….but a helping hand goes a long way.

A storied past, a colorful life….we all have our stories…stories muddied in violence, deceptions, love, hate…all forming little pieces of a puzzle that when put together create a big picture, a life story. I enjoy the intricacies of extracting the little nuggets of life that form each little piece….a short or long session where the truth of a soul comes out. Revelations made in turn, speaking over each other and filling in the blanks….rediscovering old forgotten memories, revisiting old memories and more importantly creating new memories.

I promised someone I would have a piece written for them born out of inspiration, in my head the story is still being written, still being pieced together….but a preface…well that I can start off with.

There will always be a LIE in believe an OVER in lover an END in Friends an US in trust an IF in life

There will always be a LIE in believe an OVER in lover an END in Friends an US in trust an IF in life…

Isn’t that just so true? And then how it all flows together….

Tomorrow I will be calling Spine Austin and setting up my appointment for my 6 month check up on my fourth surgery….today also marks the one year anniversary of my 3rd surgery….it’s also the anniversary of an other unmentionable now very questionable act….I should have already scheduled this visit…but I’ve been putting it off, I’m scared of what the x rays may uncover….I have a nagging feeling that things aren’t as healed as they should be…or worse that I may need another procedure…I don’t think I would be mentally prepared for that kind of news….there is no way to prepare for that and I’m afraid that I would be sent over the edge…yes I have been teetering on the edge…the edge of reason, the edge of sanity, the edge of madness….I just need a little push and I’d be over….

I’ve been on a reading spree, pretty much laying off the TV, not spending much time online either….so that has me all disconnected…..my goal is to get back to “normal” next week….whatever that really means anymore…oh and of all the books I’ve read in the past few days…Brenda Novak’s The Perfect Couple was the one that kept me on the edge….and also struck a chord…the description of how the husband sucked the wife into a life of depravity by being a controlling asshole was spot on….I can relate to the wife, how she got to where she was…not that I think I could have ever gone to the dark places she went to in the name of love….but the disease to please, the doing anything/everything to keep her husband happy and in love with her, pretty sad…too many times I had well-meaning people tell me to go along with something that was so against my nature to keep a man with me….so not worth it…for me it just isn’t a way to live…if a person cannot accept another persons differences then it is time to move on…using manipulation, coercion, threats or violence isn’t a healthy path to a long-lasting loving healthy relationship…and as my grandma used to say…”It is better to be alone than in bad company”

so anyway….not sure where this rambling nonsense was supposed to go…so just file under randomness….

A life written on paper~

imagesCAEJVXRZ

As my reading progresses, I am struck with thoughts….these thoughts keep interrupting my reading, it is eerie reading something that is so familiar to me. Domestic violence is the theme of one book, and as I am reading it I am reminded of what I’ve lived, not only have I lived it but I worked with other victims of domestic abuse…I am struck by the similarity in most cases, the issues of jealousy and control, how that sometimes slowly progresses to physical abuse, sometimes there is no physical abuse, and even if there is, most victims will tell you that they can recover from the physical abuse much quicker than what is done to them psychologically. (I was never physically abused, just in case you were wondering). But the damage is more severe to a woman’s psyche when years of emotional and verbal abuse take their toll. As I read page after page I get a sense of deja vu, as I’ve heard the stories countless times…yet I keep reading…I feel a need to continue reading so that I may get a better understanding of victimology….I know I’m weird that way….

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The other book I’m reading details mania, the highs and lows, and it is a very candid telling, it has made me question different periods in my life where I’ve wondered about my sanity. I think it is safe to say that I am sane…LOL…or if I was to self diagnose and use this authors own account as a basis for comparison, then yes, I’m okay…but I wonder….LOL….certainly I have experienced very high, highs in my own life as well as very low, lows…but never as severe as this author.

dark
Color me Dark

I’ve got other books to read and I may give myself a break from this dark stuff….maybe I’ll read a bit of fluff and see if I can relate to fluff…right now the only fluff I find relatable is my fluffy hair and fluffy ass….but none of the books I have are about either ass or hair….sheesh….but I do have a western, and a book on aging…I don’t know that I am ready to tackle aging…I already feel a gazillion years old.

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