El Don

Regalo o cosa que se da voluntariamente en señal de afecto.
Translation: A gift or thing that is voluntarily given as a sign of affection.

Countless….heat for my water, a stick on my fence, an ear for my words, a lock (or two or ten) for my door, a mower for my grass, a blower for the weeds, a brush for the paint on my walls, sealant for a leak, a charge for my battery, a battery ….the list just goes on and on….

But it isn’t about all the little things….it’s about all the little things put together.

Sometimes gifts arrive in unsuspecting packages. I’m not into gifts of the material kind, more importantly for me is the gift of self: trust, companionship, friendship, shared laughter….but a helping hand goes a long way.

A storied past, a colorful life….we all have our stories…stories muddied in violence, deceptions, love, hate…all forming little pieces of a puzzle that when put together create a big picture, a life story. I enjoy the intricacies of extracting the little nuggets of life that form each little piece….a short or long session where the truth of a soul comes out. Revelations made in turn, speaking over each other and filling in the blanks….rediscovering old forgotten memories, revisiting old memories and more importantly creating new memories.

I promised someone I would have a piece written for them born out of inspiration, in my head the story is still being written, still being pieced together….but a preface…well that I can start off with.

Foundation of relationships~

We base relationships on different things. We all do. At least in my opinion I believe that we do. I would venture to say that some relationships may even have a healthy dose of pretense. She pretends he isn’t too small/too big (there) and he pretends she isn’t too big/or small (there). He pretends to like her cooking, she pretends to like to cook. She pretends to like his friends and family, he pretends to like hers. A healthy relationship built on a foundation of lies. Would complete honesty about physical shortcomings make for a better relationship? Would one half like to hear the other half listing all the shortcomings? “Hey honey, I hate your ears, they stick out too much and I think it makes you look kinda elephanty, and your ass looks like it’s grown another ass. Oh and if your tits fall anymore you can maybe invent some floor sweepers to attach to them, no sense in letting a good walk to the fridge for another piece of pie go to waste. Oh and honey I just can’t get enough of your crazy family.”

I’m past my prime, still hopeful that the pieces will come together and the puzzle will be complete. I don’t want to know the truth, well at least not the truth spilling out of his lips. I know all my physical shortcomings, I know all of my other shortcomings. The ones that have nothing to do with the outside, but the inside, the inside of my head and my heart. I’m not perfect, not in any extension of the word. I’m not a perfect mother, I never made for a perfect wife or friend. I can’t even aspire for perfection, it isn’t an ideal anyone should put on themselves. It would be setting myself for more failure. I’ve failed at enough I don’t need to try to drive myself crazier by thinking I could improve on what I think is already okay.

I naively used to think love was the most important aspect of a relationship, boy how stupid can one person be? In my new-found wisdom I can say trust trumps love. If there is no trust, there can’t be much of anything else. A foundation of trust needs to be built, once broken it is damn near impossible to repair it. I say damn near impossible, but not out of the question. I’m still hopeful, I’m still in love. Hope is alive. In me.

Trust can be broken in so many ways, someone leaves, someone lies, someone snoops, someone stalks, someone reveals intimate details to others. Rebuilding that trust takes tearing down the offending party and digging in, ripping the insides out and stomping all the bad out. Someone can’t be there when it matters the most. Putting everything back together gets tricky.

And on that note I’m checking out…meds have kicked in…so I’ll continue later, later.


Epiphanies galore~

These may not make sense to anyone but me, and that’s okay.

One door opens and sadness walks in, with an ending. Sadness tripped and split its pants. Well no that didn’t happen anywhere but in my head. ☺

When no one believes you even if everything you say is the truth, hurt a little, cry a little and let the choice be theirs.

Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it fucked you.

Some people have this amazing ability in life, the ability to still care for people they shouldn’t give a damn about, people they have every right to hate because of all the shit they have put them through. I am not one of those people and I hate that about me, even though I hate Hate.

Deception is harmful to relationships, this I know and have been guilty of, try as I might I still fall into my own machinations…but this isn’t about me, even though the exact same thing was done to me. It pains me to know that someone I love dearly has gone through this, a fake attempt to entrap this person was perpetuated and all I can say is that trying to lay a trap for someone you love is sucky and devious in its own way. What does that say about the person going through extremes, if there is no trust, there is nothing.

If there is no trust there is nothing.

There will always be a LIE in believe an OVER in lover an END in Friends an US in trust an IF in life

There will always be a LIE in believe an OVER in lover an END in Friends an US in trust an IF in life…

Isn’t that just so true? And then how it all flows together….

Tomorrow I will be calling Spine Austin and setting up my appointment for my 6 month check up on my fourth surgery….today also marks the one year anniversary of my 3rd surgery….it’s also the anniversary of an other unmentionable now very questionable act….I should have already scheduled this visit…but I’ve been putting it off, I’m scared of what the x rays may uncover….I have a nagging feeling that things aren’t as healed as they should be…or worse that I may need another procedure…I don’t think I would be mentally prepared for that kind of news….there is no way to prepare for that and I’m afraid that I would be sent over the edge…yes I have been teetering on the edge…the edge of reason, the edge of sanity, the edge of madness….I just need a little push and I’d be over….

I’ve been on a reading spree, pretty much laying off the TV, not spending much time online either….so that has me all disconnected…..my goal is to get back to “normal” next week….whatever that really means anymore…oh and of all the books I’ve read in the past few days…Brenda Novak’s The Perfect Couple was the one that kept me on the edge….and also struck a chord…the description of how the husband sucked the wife into a life of depravity by being a controlling asshole was spot on….I can relate to the wife, how she got to where she was…not that I think I could have ever gone to the dark places she went to in the name of love….but the disease to please, the doing anything/everything to keep her husband happy and in love with her, pretty sad…too many times I had well-meaning people tell me to go along with something that was so against my nature to keep a man with me….so not worth it…for me it just isn’t a way to live…if a person cannot accept another persons differences then it is time to move on…using manipulation, coercion, threats or violence isn’t a healthy path to a long-lasting loving healthy relationship…and as my grandma used to say…”It is better to be alone than in bad company”

so anyway….not sure where this rambling nonsense was supposed to go…so just file under randomness….

Love is like chocolate…

Chocolate is love
Chocolate is love

Sometimes it’s rich, sometimes nutty, sometimes dark, sometimess light, but always meant to be savored in it’s moment….

 “I really don’t trust love,” a woman had told me earlier in the day, and in listening to her heartbreak, I understood where she was coming from. She had been hurt by significant people in the perilous venture of loving and being loved~

“I tried love one time and got burned so bad that I’ll never try it again,” a man informed me. We talked a long time about how we humans get confused about the difference between needing a person and loving a person and how hard it is sometimes to know the difference between gift-love and need-love~

Love is like chocolate...
Love is like chocolate...

Maybe love – authentic love – is kind of like dark chocolate. Maybe people don’t trust love because they’ve never experienced healthy, nourishing love.

Maybe people who don’t believe in love have only tasted love contaminated with additives of power, stinginess and manipulation, control, selfishness and pettiness. Perhaps people who can’t love were abandoned or treated cruelly by the same person who said, “I love you.”

It would be nice to be able to go into a shop and purchase love that isn’t tainted by human imperfection, but love can’t be bought and you can’t demand it from others.

The way forward may be in deciding to be the kind of person who gives love that is healthy, honest and clean, full of acceptance and flavored with delight in who the other person is instead of who you think he ought to be or who you want him to be for you.

Authentic love really is like good dark chocolate. It does cost more and you may have to develop a taste for it, but it satisfies the palate and it’s good for your heart.

It may take a lifetime to learn how to give love and receive it, but maybe learning how to love is our assignment while we’re here.

In the meantime, I can enjoy the 3 for $1.00 treats given to me by my sweetie….

The power to be~an (sorta) interview with Ruby Cantu

An Interview with Ruby Cantu
An Interview with Ruby Cantu

Growing up I was this, that or the other, grown up I have been this, that or the other as well (I could spell this, that or the other to you, but use your imagination while I keep some filth off the internets).

We are all responsible for ourselves. Whatever went on when we were young, once we are adults, we have to get over it and become the people we want to be.

We can only blame so much of it on the physical and emotional abuse, or the divorce of our parents. Sure there is much truth in how these incidents do screw up individuals, especially when it comes to trust. I had an ex who once admitted a former girlfriend had cheated on him and because of her I was never to be trusted, well there is a reason he is an ex.

What about others?

The others…if the others are children we are responsible for molding them, but after a certain point they are who they are.

Can we make them into what we want them to be?

We can’t, at least in my experience I haven’t found it to work this way…several have tried making me into something I can never be, I will always be the imperfectly perfect person I am, like it or not, don’t like it kiss my big fat ass…or flat ass, depending on which way my ass is going…one day it’s big then the next day I can’t find it…sheesh, I love my ass!

Should we want to change them, or can we grow to accept that people are different?

I don’t want to change anyone, why would I want to make them into something they only are for my benefit? We are all different and different isn’t always bad…what if I made them what I wanted/needed them to be for me but they weren’t who they needed/wanted to be for themselves, maybe I’d be happy but they wouldn’t be happy (deep inside) and sure I might pretend it’s okay, but I would know.

I’m still feeling these thoughts out and I try to see the world from different angles…

Silently standing up~

I silently stand up for my boys, for me it isn’t always important to ask a bazillion questions, jut knowing I’m not going to be approached with pure craziness. It is a matter of trust. Just like that…pure and simple…..maybe at the back of my head is the silent plea of don’t screw me over…but at the same time…one time….that is all it would take….screw me over once and only once….I will continue to be there for my boys,  until the day comes when they decide they are smarter than me…

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