Give it up~

When you try as hard as you can, to do what you think is right and all you get is that same old cold shoulder, when you do all you can and all that’s left is to give it up all you can do is turn it loose.

Such a convoluted thought, then again I’m currently medicated so everything coming out of my head is jumbled up. Took two Norco’s, Doxepin, and Mobic, pain pills, sleeping pill and a muscle relaxer. I’m hoping something works, it’s got to. Actually part of my face is feeling numb, that’s a good sign right? Maybe the rest of me gets to feeling numb soon. My fingers aren’t working all that great, I keep having to correct typo’s, so if I miss any blame the drugs….pain or lack of sleep, or blame it on all…I know how to spell, but I’m feeling a bit dyslexic and dexterically challenged…and yes, I think I just sorta made up that word….but it derived from dexterity, so there…blow me.

So anyways, this whole financial situation I’m in has led me down a dark path…I’ve signed on to do something that I never thought I would do…it isn’t illegal so I will be able to sleep at night, (ha, insert crazed laughter here, that will only happen if the meds kick in) but I do have kids to feed and shelter, tough times, tough choices….but in the end I’ll have a story to tell…that’s if I don’t end up dead before I can tell the story.

Nothing takes the place of __________(fill in the blank) I feel the __________, without _________nothing is the same. Oh my _________, I am so ____________because nothing takes the place of ______________.

I missed boy # 3’s parade today, tomorrow he has another event he will participate in, I don’t know if I’ll make it to that, due to aforementioned dark path.

I’m experiencing dry mouth, if only I had some wet stuff, other than water, which I am already imbibing, then my mouth would be wetter and perhaps the meds would kick in quicker.

You know those ghosts from the past…well I had another pop into my life….it is quite strange, one day you hear from someone you tried to forget, and quite honestly I had almost forgotten said ghost….ALMOST, there were mere thoughts in passing but for the most part not even much of a blip on my radar screen. But then nothing, no follow-up. Not sure what is up with that, part of me is curious, part of me feels ghosts should stay ghosts…but I’m patient…not that I have options.

I got three new books today, well new to me, I hadn’t thought of adding to my library in a while, but I think I’m ready to see if there are readers out there ready to give up some of their books. I have a book I’ve been reading on and off for a few days. The last couple of books I’ve picked up haven’t captivated my attention…but I’m trying to finish what I start. Nothing sucks worse than reading a couple hundred pages and then giving up with only a couple hundred more pages to go…but I’ve got a few books I’ve given up midway to halfway through.

This week has been a week of old favorite shows coming back on, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Body of Proof, Hawaii Five-0, Harry’s Law and a few new shows I may check out. I haven’t watched any yet, saving them for the weekend…as that is when there is nothing good on and the boys like some of those shows and I enjoy my time with them being couch potatoes.

Well I think I’ve talked long enough to myself….maybe soon I will doze off….I can only hope………..

Contradictory much???????

When you give it all you got, you sometimes end up with nothing.

Can’t say I gave it my ALL, I had to leave some behind just to survive…but I still ended up with nothing…I’m operating in the negatives. but hey that is life. Life also has a way of balancing itself out….sometimes it just takes a very long ASS time.

Karma has a funny way of working, when one door closes sometimes a bunch of others open…in the weirdest of ways. I’ve had recent contact with different people in my past, we are talking of upwards of maybe close to 20 years and some as recent as 10 months. Funny how we don’t think we can make an impact on someone’s life, yet we do, not always for the best, but to reach out after so long….mind you that I don’t quite get the point of the contact….and I didn’t initiate it. (I hardly ever do, I like to make my goodbyes (if I even bothered with a goodbye) real goodbyes. Some doors are meant to stay closed, so even though I allowed the door to become ajar it is time to quietly close it again, and this time put a lock on it.

Can’t sleep ramblings~

Texas is on fire…again…or quite possibly still. (not sure if they ever got the other fires put out) And stupid people are making stupid comments.Like the bag of idiots was left open and a bunch of people got in and then decided they’d come out and say what they say…now mind you I have a knack for saying stupid stuff all the time, like almost always, but these idiots have me beat.

I’m medicated, doubly or triply so, pain pill, sleeping pill and anti depressant…let’s see what this trifecta will bring.

Finally finished reading James Patterson‘s Alex Cross‘s Trial….I thought I had finished it then I started reading another book and got in about 78 pages and decided I wasn’t getting into it, so I quit it, then I remembered I had a few more chapters left so I finished that off and started another book…I’m about a hundred pages in and will probably finish it and read the rest of the series…maybe they aren’t a series, not sure but I have a stack from the same author.

The furnace people didn’t come back, so we are still gasless, hot waterless, and ovenless….yeah I probably just made up a few words there…tomorrow I will not be so nice when I call for them to come back and turn my gas back on. This time I’ll go outside and see if they will teach me how to turn it on and off and also where the on/off switch is…or whatever lever is used to operate this. I went for a walk and got hot and sweaty and a cold shower felt good. I doubt the boys will enjoy their cold shower in the morning….but they really didn’t complain and it’s not like we haven’t been down this route before…we were due for another round of cold showers around here as it seems we are always having issues with the water heater…this time there isn’t anything wrong with it except the gas is not ON!!!!

I’ve figured out a way to get boy # 2 out walking with me, it requires a bit of blackmail, he will get to drive the car/truck to a specific location and then we will walk from there….this bit of blackmail also ensures we will have clean vehicles as he will be washing both vehicles for driving privileges. Win/win!!!

Today I had 2 cups of dry cereal at 100 calories each….and tons of water. I am here to tell you that the notion of drinking water to curb the appetite is utter bullshit. I also had a nectarine and it was perfectly sweet. But I’m saving money to feed the boys and hopefully I get to drop a pound or two or (preferably) ten. So far I am still at the same weight, maybe my scale is broken.

I am thisclose to having enough swagbucks to get me a couple of $50.00 gift cards….I’m thinking PayPal and Overstock. I wish they had some to local places I would get one to a spa or salon, I so need a pedicure and can’t do a decent one myself as it is hard to manuever my feet…damn bionical hips. I also want to get my hair cut again…and not by me….by someone that can cut it straight. I’ve no idea how jacked up I’ve left it myself….but I think this time I need to get someone else to go over it….I may start picking up cans…well crap I can’t do that…cause I can’t BEND to fucking pick them up…..I did hear a radio ad for plasma, not plasma TV but life-sustaining plasma….I need to look into it, maybe I’ll qualify and can get some money that way. I also signed up to be an experimental pin cushion or lab rat. Not sure how much those gigs pay….and I skipped over all the small print….small print pretty much all ends up being the same…blah, blah, blah…you could die, blah, blah, blah. Kids have to eat and bills need to be paid. Oh and I am thinking of getting some vintage pieces and finding a consignment shop to sell them for me.

I shall return I am out of ice in my drinking water….so ice has been replenished but as I was standing in front of the freezer I saw the makings of sweetness….I’m thinking of a strawberry pie, I hope I have everything I need.

Well I think I have rambled on long enough…I had nothing to say and I said it well…I think…if not…oh well….it’s whatever.

Morning musings~

I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally…will this ever stop????? I know, no answers here or there or for that matter anywhere. Life sucks sometimes, but I guess if it didn’t it wouldn’t be life. Paranoia is setting in…long never ending story there…no point in getting into that.

I’ve been up and productive, have a load in the washer, got the back room cleaned, that room is always catching all kinds of crap, I wish it wasn’t there as it really is not a functional part of the house, but it does serve to catch-all kinds of crap.

I have my diet set up for the week, one giant box of dry cereal and frozen fruit….actually if the boys don’t get into either this should last me a good couple of weeks as I only intend to have a cup of dry cereal and two or three pieces of fruit. I call it my back to school diet. With the boys back in school there is no point to eating more than this, thus freeing up more money for after school meals.

I have also been contemplating another round with the scissors, not liking what looks back at me in the mirror, doubt the hair cutting will help, maybe covering up all the mirrors may be a better solution….before anyone else points it out I just realized how EMO I sound. That just made me laugh, laughter is good. Despite all the bad there is still good.

I have been mentally glossing over the FINAL chapter of the EX-Files….but the final chapter is the hardest to actually put down, it is too raw….but it’s like a demon that needs to be exorcised, get it out and forget about it. No timetable set for this project…just rambling….and I’m off, got other things that need to be done around here, we were on the lazy side this weekend and I didn’t get the boys to clean house like I should have, so I’m going to attempt it on my own, maybe that will put me out, even if the out hurts like a bitch at least I’ll be distracted.

Happy Monday ☺

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