Waiting for the meds to kick in…I hate this…probably won’t happen for a while…my back is seriously hurting…I don’t think I helped matters any with what I got into…aside from playing landscaper I had a couple of other shining moments of utter stupidity. Will I ever learn? Probably not…anytime I can push myself a bit further I go for it…I have an expiration date…or rather a “Best if Used By Date” and my body has surpassed it by a long shot….I’m still kicking…or shuffling…can’t really kick…wish I could but I’m afraid of exerting any effort….
The dust has not settled yet…oops I’m off on another tangent…best stop now….
…and disengage….and re-engage in other areas…today was somewhat productive, got laundry done (some, not all, as laundry is one of those damn pesky never-ending, never done, has to get done pesky chores…) and done is not quite accurate as putting stuff away is part of the done process….so half assed done…hey it’s better than nothing….went grocery shopping, forgot milk, damn it.
Read for a while, watched TV for a bit, hung out with the kidlets, left them alone then they came to my room to hang out some more. Gotta love ’em, just wish my oldest was close by.
Sat down with my bucket of ice cream, box of cones and pigged out….but I balanced it out with yard work and a salad.
My back is not happy with me, but it’s not like I can afford a landscaping crew….and nobody around here feels any responsibility in maintaining a clean yard….ohoh…here comes the bitchventscreamcrap….
WAH….I am so fucking tired….tired of taking care of EVERY FUCKING THING. Well not done taking care of shit, more like worrying about it…I have some areas needing MAJOR REPAIRS. Like a board that is holding the electrical wires that is somewhat detached from the house, it is barely hanging on….I’d hate to see it give….I’ve paid for a half assed repair, that didn’t last…yeah kinda got screwed on that one….I need to focus on getting the funds together for that….so major cutting back on…hmmm…not sure what….yeah no more indulging in ice cream….or going out, so yeah, work and home and that is it.
Well I’m off to focus on other schtuff….
I feel better now that I got to whine a bit….thank you internets, I wuv ewe….
We seem to be the embodiment of this oft use phrase….”damned if you do, damned if you don’t” we could have coined it had it not already been a part of the American lexicon.
Breathing, waking up, agreeing, disagreeing, being complacent, being free-spirited, being independent, being dependent, calling, not calling, speaking, keeping quiet.
Watching TV, not watching, reading, not reading, cooking, not cooking, making choices, making the wrong choices…always the wrong choices.
I say to hell with it, given the option…I will opt for not putting out the effort, I’ll be damned either way….much easier to remove myself from the situation and let whatever damnation is to befall, to just fall without me in the mix.
Her approach is the total opposite of mine….she keeps trying…and failing…every single time. Same as me….every single time. So what approach would you choose?
With some people the same tired tug of war will always be in place, something’s got to give…or rather someone has. Who gives first? and what is the outcome? is it a saner outcome? Do we keep trying? Sometimes the outcome isn’t the best, there is such a sense of overwhelming loss and sadness but time will take its time doing away with that hollowness.
Still not feeling 100%, I’ve been run down, pukey and with no appetite, taking drugs on an empty stomach is not good. I can’t seem to keep track of those mental notes I leave myself where I swear I won’t do it again. Just as I was hitting the snooze slide this morning the boys came knocking on my door to let me know the power was out, I got up with them, found a lighter and some candles and they got ready in the dark and left for school, it took at least another 2 hours before power was restored.
I was watching a bit of TV when I heard about the earthquake on the east coast. Having friends and family out there and not knowing if they were safe was disconcerting, the phone lines were down but eventually I heard everyone I cared about was safe. Whew….
Had more paperwork to complete for boy # 3….felt bad that I wasn’t feeling any better and I fixed them burgers, which they were happy with but I had wanted to prepare something else. maybe tomorrow. Well I’m off….I’ve got a good book going and need to lay down.
It has been a trying year, 2010 greeted me with continued recovery from 2 back surgeries in 2009. But it hasn’t all been bad.
Much of the year admittedly has been a blur due to the amount of pain meds I’ve had to ingest…there have been many days where I sit and wonder…did I have that conversation, did I dream it….I finally gave up on trying to keep up with reality and instead adopted my new favorite line…”If I don’t remember, it didn’t happen.” I am not using it to get out of uncomfortable situations, at least not deliberately, there have been huge blocks of time that are just a blur….funny (No, not really funny) how chronic, severe, unrelenting pain can also have an impact on memory. I’ve had way too many days of being in a fog, and I can honestly say I don’t fucking like it. Excuse the strong language but damnit…I don’t have to like it.
This year also has opened my eyes to true friendships….I’ve become reacquainted with an amazing person…we’ve had an up and down, love/hate (not really hate) relationship, but through it all we have managed to find our way back to now. Not sure what the future will bring but there it is. I’ve discovered that the flesh and blood “friends” have not been there, but I can’t completely fault them….I haven’t made much effort on my part either. I honestly didn’t have the energy or the health for the effort…the times I put the effort out, somehow our meetups got continually cancelled….yet I’d see pictures posted here and there showing me what a great time they had elsewhere and with others….can’t say I blame them….having to slow down for a crippled old hag does not make for much fun.
The internet did open my eyes to “truer friends”, they have been loving, supportive, giving and most importantly, they have been THERE. We have formed some real life bonds of friendship and I do cherish each and every one of those friends. (Y’all know who you are.)
I’ve spent more time with my boys, we have done a lot of cooking and baking together. We have watched movies and TV shows and had some real good days just being with each other.
I’ve traveled out-of-town and out-of-state a few times….and while the get aways were great, not getting around like I wish I could sometimes just sucked the joy of those brief getaways, but I sure can paste a real “fake” smile on pics….gotta look like I am having some kind of fun.
A new year is right around the corner…I’m going to go into it hopeful….so in closing I’d like to make a toast….
Here’s a toast to the future, A toast to the past, And a toast to our friends, far and near. May the future be pleasant; The past a bright dream; May our friends remain faithful and dear. ~ Anonymous
I’m marking mine…sorta…well, I am blogging about it so I can reference it this way.
Last night I took one of my little happy pills…they aren’t really happy pills, they’re more like little round pills with a line in the middle and numbers and letters. Anywho…they are supposed to make me happy, but they’ve never done that and I simply doubt that I could ever find happiness in a little pill. I think I can find happiness in a bucket of butter pecan ice cream or under the covers. But I digress…so yeah, I took a little happy pill and while I was on the phone the sleepies started nudging me, so I got off the phone went and did my bizness (I had to go piss) and then crawled back in bed, for a minute or two or ten I thought to myself…”Fuck, you just broke the spell, you will end up reading, tossing and turning and not sleeping”….but then next thing I know I am trying to read, but I can only turn the pages a couple of times and nothing is registering, time to turn the lights out.
I was out, gone, visiting the land of darkness and dreams and sleep…yes, SLEEP. In all it’s wondrous glory, heavy lids, restful sleep. I cannot recall the last time I slept this good. Could it be? Could the answer really be in those round little happy pills with the numbers and letters? Could it have been the massage (with the happy ending)? Could it have been the ice cream? I don’t know, all I know is that it felt so good to sleep, to not wake up once, to not get up a million times, to not turn the lights on and off, to not turn the TV on and off, to not pick up my book, to not read at a mad furious pace….to just sleep.
So it’s Friday night, I am in great company, for now, it’s just me….and the boys, except they are not in here with me. Boy # 2 is on the computer, boy # 3 is watching TV and will have to call it an early night. He has an early morning coming up as he has to go out of town for a meet. I would love to go but it’s a bit over an hour away and too early for me, I’ll either be going to sleep when he is getting up or I’ll still be up. Poor baby is recovering from a bad cold, but I think he’ll be just fine, note to self, remind him to take his inhaler.
Boy # 2 brought his report home today, he had good grades, it’s always good to see that.
Started another book, but I’ve been too exhausted to really get into it. I tried reading but was dozing off.
I’m now listening to my playlist online and having a couple of cold ones (Miller Lite)….a rather enjoyable evening for me….the company is great. As of late I have been very much pleased with how well I have been getting along with myself.