Feeds:
Posts
Comments

Posts Tagged ‘stupid’

So just last week I was all excited because I made the adult decision to refinance my house…over the phone and fresh off an overnight shift. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am quite capable in many aspects of my life, but I can get overwhelmed with certain things, I had been putting off the paperwork and decided to tackle it this morning, 5 pages in and my anxiety shot up like a motherfucker. I just can’t. So now I need to send an email to whoever was to be holding my hand virtually through this process and say never mind and please don’t contact me because I will have a heart attack. I don’t understand why this happens, same with my retirement account…you’d think I’d be open to taking care of this shit but I can’t. I’d rather be shot between the eyes and avoid the anxiety.

I’m working through this by writing about it. I know I have a non refundable fee to pay for initializing this process….and I’m okay with that…just make it all go away. so I remain stuck and frustrated and pissed off at myself and actually I am now in tears because my anxiety is just going up….why does adulting have to suck? I shoulda been born a princess and not have to worry about this shit.

I am retreating, I just can’t, writing is not helping, well, it did help some but I’m giving myself an ulcer. Wah

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid….

03.Top-Therapies-for-Anxiety-Disorders

Advertisements

Read Full Post »

Apparently I took a shower yesterday, yet I don’t remember….not only that but I don’t feel like I did. Yeah TMI….I haven’t had much sleep, maybe 2 hours in the last couple of days…I’m somehow surviving on Norco, coffee and the other happy pills. Actually the jury is still out, I haven’t decided if they are happy pills.

I’m almost done reading a book I started a few days ago…I keep misplacing the damn thing…probably because I don’t know which way is up…

I’m looking forward to cool weather, I want to break in my new boots….then I got online and was looking at other boots I was thinking I NEEDED. Yes NEED. Only another female can understand that type of need.

I’m hungry….

Read Full Post »

and a bit snarky~

Maybe I’m just turning into a cranky, impatient, snarky jaded version of the formally happy version that I used to be….yeah the jadedness has been there and I always seem to squash that but for some reason it keeps popping up….anywho…..I suppose that makes sense, given that I used to be a cranky, impatient, snarky youngish jaded sassy lass before. Why the hell should I change now?

Anyway. One thing I’ve found that makes me cranky and snarky and that I have no patience for is people asking rhetorical questions. And then waiting for a damned answer….that makes my eyeballs twitch…

Let’s say you are with someone and you both witness a person doing something totally stupid….then that someone you’re with has the nerve to say “That’s just stupid. What the hell is wrong with people?” And I….well I (internally of course) say “Just let it go… leave it at that… let it go…but someone just stands there and has to ask again “what the hell is wrong with people?”

There’s no good answer for that. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people. How the hell should I know?  (I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me) Frankly, if I had to guess, I’d say that there’s probably all sorts of things wrong with people….some of them are crazy; others are brain-damaged… I imagine a lot of them are just plain ignorant. But these are just guesses. There’s no way to know what the hell is wrong with people, so why ask the damned question? And more to the point, why demand an answer? We’re all allowed a few unanswerable questions now and then….’Why is the sky blue?’, for instance. Or maybe, “who the hell do you think you are?’

And that’s fine….I’m willing to give people a pass on those. Just so long as they don’t stand there, toe tapping, waiting for a damned answer. There are no answers! And if there were, then obviously I wouldn’t know them, would I? It’s just damned rude, if you ask me.

I think there should be a code word of some kind to get out of this situation. Whenever somebody asks you a question that you couldn’t possibly answer, and then pushes you for an answer, I think you ought to be able to say a single word that will let them, and everyone else around you, know what kind of asininery is going on.  For now the only one word that fits is “because”.

sheesh

Okay, so the word itself needs some work. Still, the point is valid….there should be a word that is an answer, the answer, to all those questions that have no answers available. And it should be a word that makes everyone around immediately take notice, and stare all at once at whoever prompted the word to be screamed. That’s the only way these people will learn. I’m just trying to make the world a better place is all.

Read Full Post »

**Domestic Violence is not just physical abuse, it includes, verbal, emotional and also includes psychological as well as other forms of abuse. Domestic Violence should not happen to anyone…EVER. **

She set out to find a babysitter and a job, she had no prior experience but was smart and willing and able to do anything, start from the bottom and work her way up. She picked up a paper and drove up and down the streets to familiarize herself with the area; she kept her eye out for any “Help Wanted” signs.

Once home she took her paper to her bedroom and looked thru the paper and began calling the numbers for those offering childcare services. She set up meetings and asked for directions and felt confident that the next day would yield her favorable luck.

She discussed with her husband her intention of setting out for a job, he was not pleased to hear this, but was also quick to let her know it would be a relief as he wouldn’t have to listen to her ask for money anymore.

One of the driving forces for her to secure a job had been the degradation she felt having to continually ask for money to buy household items, groceries and even for her own personal items. He had always been in control of the finances and had no intentions of sharing that with her. He kept her on a strict budget and would blow up anytime she would ask him to pick up milk, diapers or anything that might be needed during the week. He was quick to let her know how stupid she was that she couldn’t even buy enough to last for a week. She tried explaining to him that with his sister and her family now living there and using everything they had bought, things were just not lasting as long.

He refused to acknowledge her explanations, it was her fault and that was that. It was pointless to argue with him so she did the best she could, she had resorted to makeshift diapers using whatever she could find, and she diluted the milk and even had to let their son wear dirty clothes.

Her sister in law was a forceful person; she had moved in and taken over as head of household. She had monopolized the kitchen, dining room, living room and one bedroom, leaving her only the one bedroom in the back of the trailer. The frustration of having to pacify her son with water and finding that the treats she had bought for him would disappear made for additional tension. She tried to discuss this with her husband but he wouldn’t listen to her, instead he resorted to accusing her of being greedy, again there was no winning, again it was all her fault, for after all she was too stupid to buy enough for everyone.

She stepped out to make her appointments with the possible childcare providers and the first stop was not a positive encounter, too many kids and no sense of control. She thanked the lady and went on to her next appointment, what a difference; the provider had 2 children under her watch including one of her own. They discussed payment and agreed that the next day would be the first day; she was pleased that things were looking up.

As she drove around before heading home she noticed a small strip mall and decided to stop in and browse around before heading back home. She had her son with her and they were looking at the items on the shelf when a clerk came up to ask if they needed help. They began a conversation and soon she felt a rapport with the clerk, she asked the clerk if she knew of any job openings. As luck would have it they were looking for someone to work part time, they talked briefly and set up a time for her to return with a completed application.  

 

Disclaimer**Given the nature of the books I have been reading lately I am inspired to write a few short stories revisiting parts of my life that included episodes of domestic violence….I will be calling this series “The Ex Files” very clever right….lol….I thought so….it will be an amalgamation of my personal experiences steeped with those of others that I was very close to. The parallels are uncanny in some instances….but the patterns of abusers and abusees are almost always the same…it’s like the same behaviors are either taught to the next generation or there are some secret classes being held somewhere in some secret location.**

 

Read Full Post »

It took a very short time for them to get settled into their new home, he began working the very next day after they arrived, so it would be up to her to get everything in order in their new home. They had lucked out in the arrangements for what would be home; it was a small trailer house out in the middle of a wooded area off the highway. It was secluded and completely furnished, all she would need was to go and get groceries, linens, toiletries and get home in time to make dinner for her family.

Dinner consisted of a simple meal that would be easy to prepare, she had not yet mastered the art of cooking and cans and boxes were her friends. She wore her best smile and had even found the time to get their son and herself cleaned and dressed in fresh clothing. He walked in the door and she greeted him with the biggest smile she could give him without actually breaking her jaw in the process. He took a look around and began to criticize her for not having disposed of the boxes they had used for packing their belongings. She tried diffusing that by walking him into the dining area and showing off the table she had set, dinner was hot and ready on the stove; his cold drink was also ready. He walked over to the stove and took a look at what she had prepared and began to complain about having to eat shit that came out of a box.

For the next hour as they sat to eat the only words being exchanged were the names he called her, stupid, lazy, useless, bitch, dumb and many other hurtful words. There was no praise for anything she had done to make the place warm and cozy.

Two weeks into their arrival a knock came at the door, she got up to answer it and was soon to find herself face to face with her sister in law and her family in tow, she stepped aside and ushered them in. Her husband then got up and walked outside with his brother in law and they began to bring boxes in, her sister in law had already made her way to the first bedroom and began to clear out her sons’ belongings and putting them out in the hall.

She was confused and tried to get her husband’s attention to ask him what was going on but he ignored her and kept carrying boxes in. Forty five minutes later her husband came in and began to yell at her as she hadn’t done anything with the items in the hall. He began calling her stupid as she had not yet figured out what was happening. In hindsight she did know, she just didn’t want to accept that she had lost her home.

She gathered toys, and the clothes that had carelessly been tossed on the floor and took them into the other bedroom, she closed the door behind her and began to cry as she folded her sons’ clothes and put them in the drawer next to her things. The toys would not have a place so were left on the floor together with the infant carrier, diaper bag and other items.

Her quiet world changed in that instant, she could hear her sister in law in the kitchen throwing out food and replacing it with her things, they laughed at her and she could hear the criticism over her cooking. She decided to stay in the bedroom with her son, she could hear everything they said and the jokes at her expense, this was a small trailer and they were but a few feet away.

That night she decided she would talk to her husband about her finding a job….

 

Disclaimer**Given the nature of the books I have been reading lately I am inspired to write a few short stories revisiting parts of my life that included episodes of domestic violence….I will be calling this series “The Ex Files” very clever right….lol….I thought so….it will be an amalgamation of my personal experiences steeped with those of others that I was very close to. The parallels are uncanny in some instances….but the patterns of abusers and abusees are almost always the same…it’s like the same behaviors are either taught to the next generation or there are some secret classes being held somewhere in some secret location.**

 

Read Full Post »

Stoopeed is~

Stupid is when you waste three flushes trying to get that last piece of corn gone….

Read Full Post »

%d bloggers like this: