Okay, that’s probably not true. I really have no evidence to back that up… but I’ll tell you this, I’ve heard it before, a time or two or ten. Better yet, there are people out there who should want to be like me….at least, more like me, because the people they’re being like now are… well, not very good people. Maybe they’ve decided to be like the idiots that are in charge of them, you know like their spouses or insignificant others and such….clearly, it’s just an issue with their choice of role model, and a better selection would naturally lead to a better life. And what better role model than moi to lead you into an existence of perfection?
So I’m here to offer myself as a shining example of how to at least be better than those dim bulbs. It ain’t much, but you gotta go with what you know, or what you think you know, and I think that’s what I know, at least in this very moment I think I know this.
So, as a public service for those idiots with no soul, or souls that were sucked out by the evil gnomes, you know those little people that have a complex because they are little and they try to wear big panties…..
I’d like to present my list of “Rules to Live By”. These should help you make it through those dark times when you’re not sure which way to turn, or whether you should squeeze into those spandex leggings that should not be made in an extra large size giving you the idea that they were meant for you to wear. You could also walk away knowing what an unused condom would taste like. And for those of you who already know you shouldn’t squeeze your behind into anything that is willing to stretch that much or know what an unused condom taste like, well more power to you…and this would also mean you shouldn’t need my help.
Feel free to peruse the list, and take what you can use, of course. Given the slim chance that you’re already set up with a role model better than me….then please, for the love of sweaty porcupine humping, don’t trade down to me. You’ll be drooling and sitting around picking your nose all day….in no time, and you’ll just get bored. I feel qualified to help the few who are regular viewers of the Real Housewives, Cops or Cheaters….but I don’t have much for the rest of you Oprah show watchers, I’m afraid….you’re already ahead of this particular curve.
But for you half-evolved humans…(if you even qualify as human) who need my help, here are some of my Golden Rules to Live by.
Learn them, live them, and practice them well, and you too could be just like me.
(Aching back and graying hair not included. Limit one personality overhaul per customer. Offer not valid in Kansas.)
Rule 1: If it’s not food, and you’re not currently participating in shenanigans, then don’t eat it. And don’t lick it, either, unless you’re double dog dared.
Rule 2: When cornered in the company of fools, play dead. They’ll eventually get distracted and wander off.
Rule 3: Never answer ‘Yes’ to a question you didn’t fully hear or understand. No matter how annoying ‘Huh?’ can get, it’s infinitely better than accidentally agreeing to wash someone’s car, or loan them a thousand dollars…
Rule 4: No one….anywhere, ever, under any circumstances….wants to see your genitalia….yours no, anyone else’s….well….that is different…..
Rule 5: Be courteous and kind to any person who hasn’t pissed you off yet. As for the others, fuck with their minds. Mercilessly…..a well intentioned Mindfuck beats a good round of Sudoku.
Rule 6: You can do whatever the hell you want in the shower, as long as you don’t tell anyone.
And that’s it. Really, those are the only criteria I use as I wander through life. So now you know. I can only hope that you’ll take these lessons to heart, and that we’ll have a little more sanity in the world going forward.