There are people out there who want to be like me~

Okay, that’s probably not true. I really have no evidence to back that up… but I’ll tell you this, I’ve heard it before, a time or two or ten. Better yet, there are people out there who should want to be like me….at least, more like me, because the people they’re being like now are… well, not very good people. Maybe they’ve decided to be like the idiots that are in charge of them, you know like their spouses or insignificant others and such….clearly, it’s just an issue with their choice of role model, and a better selection would naturally lead to a better life. And what better role model than moi to lead you into an existence of perfection?

So I’m here to offer myself as a shining example of how to at least be better than those dim bulbs. It ain’t much, but you gotta go with what you know, or what you think you know, and I think that’s what I know, at least in this very moment I think I know this.

So, as a public service for those idiots with no soul, or souls that were sucked out by the evil gnomes, you know those little people that have a complex because they are little and they try to wear big panties…..

 I’d like to present my list of “Rules to Live By”. These should help you make it through those dark times when you’re not sure which way to turn, or whether you should squeeze into those spandex leggings that should not be made in an extra large size giving you the idea that they were meant for you to wear. You could also walk away knowing what an unused condom would taste like. And for those of you who already know you shouldn’t squeeze your behind into anything that is willing to stretch that much or know what an unused condom taste like, well more power to you…and this would also mean you shouldn’t need my help.

Feel free to peruse the list, and take what you can use, of course. Given the slim chance that you’re already set up with a role model better than me….then please, for the love of sweaty porcupine humping, don’t trade down to me. You’ll be drooling and sitting around picking your nose all day….in no time, and you’ll just get bored. I feel qualified to help the few  who are regular viewers of the Real Housewives, Cops or Cheaters….but I don’t have much for the rest of you Oprah show watchers, I’m afraid….you’re already ahead of this particular curve.

But for you half-evolved humans…(if you even qualify as human) who need my help, here are some of my Golden Rules to Live by.

Learn them, live them, and practice them well, and you too could be just like me.

(Aching back and graying hair not included. Limit one personality overhaul per customer. Offer not valid in Kansas.)

Rule 1: If it’s not food, and you’re not currently participating in shenanigans, then don’t eat it. And don’t lick it, either, unless you’re double dog dared.
Rule 2: When cornered in the company of fools, play dead. They’ll eventually get distracted and wander off.
Rule 3: Never answer ‘Yes’ to a question you didn’t fully hear or understand. No matter how annoying ‘Huh?’ can get, it’s infinitely better than accidentally agreeing to wash someone’s car, or loan them a thousand dollars…
Rule 4: No one….anywhere, ever, under any circumstances….wants to see your genitalia….yours no, anyone else’s….well….that is different…..
Rule 5: Be courteous and kind to any person who hasn’t pissed you off yet. As for the others, fuck with their minds. Mercilessly…..a well intentioned Mindfuck beats a good round of Sudoku.
Rule 6: You can do whatever the hell you want in the shower, as long as you don’t tell anyone.

And that’s it. Really, those are the only criteria I use as I wander through life. So now you know. I can only hope that you’ll take these lessons to heart, and that we’ll have a little more sanity in the world going forward.

Ruby~ trying to make the world a better place~~because

and a bit snarky~

Maybe I’m just turning into a cranky, impatient, snarky jaded version of the formally happy version that I used to be….yeah the jadedness has been there and I always seem to squash that but for some reason it keeps popping up….anywho…..I suppose that makes sense, given that I used to be a cranky, impatient, snarky youngish jaded sassy lass before. Why the hell should I change now?

Anyway. One thing I’ve found that makes me cranky and snarky and that I have no patience for is people asking rhetorical questions. And then waiting for a damned answer….that makes my eyeballs twitch…

Let’s say you are with someone and you both witness a person doing something totally stupid….then that someone you’re with has the nerve to say “That’s just stupid. What the hell is wrong with people?” And I….well I (internally of course) say “Just let it go… leave it at that… let it go…but someone just stands there and has to ask again “what the hell is wrong with people?”

There’s no good answer for that. Honestly, I don’t know what the hell is wrong with people. How the hell should I know?  (I don’t even know what the hell is wrong with me) Frankly, if I had to guess, I’d say that there’s probably all sorts of things wrong with people….some of them are crazy; others are brain-damaged… I imagine a lot of them are just plain ignorant. But these are just guesses. There’s no way to know what the hell is wrong with people, so why ask the damned question? And more to the point, why demand an answer? We’re all allowed a few unanswerable questions now and then….’Why is the sky blue?’, for instance. Or maybe, “who the hell do you think you are?’

And that’s fine….I’m willing to give people a pass on those. Just so long as they don’t stand there, toe tapping, waiting for a damned answer. There are no answers! And if there were, then obviously I wouldn’t know them, would I? It’s just damned rude, if you ask me.

I think there should be a code word of some kind to get out of this situation. Whenever somebody asks you a question that you couldn’t possibly answer, and then pushes you for an answer, I think you ought to be able to say a single word that will let them, and everyone else around you, know what kind of asininery is going on.  For now the only one word that fits is “because”.

sheesh

Okay, so the word itself needs some work. Still, the point is valid….there should be a word that is an answer, the answer, to all those questions that have no answers available. And it should be a word that makes everyone around immediately take notice, and stare all at once at whoever prompted the word to be screamed. That’s the only way these people will learn. I’m just trying to make the world a better place is all.

Complete Madness part 2

Welcome back to my little corner of complete madness, otherwise known as Rubyville. Over the last few days the voices in my head (yes voices, there are like 3 of them, sometimes 7, both male and female, English, Spanish and Spanglish) asked me if I enjoyed my life. I made some quick snide comment about how I’d rather be a stay-at-home mom, put on an apron, be the bitch and not ever work again or for that matter never step out of my comfort zone…then I realized, hey I’m living that life. In some ways it’s all good, like the part where I get to see my boys when they come home from school, but then the other part, where I don’t get to bring a paycheck totally sucks ass. That is the quickest way to the poor house…and my house is already poor.
 
The voices in all seriousness said, “No. I mean really.” (The voices while many insist on speaking as one.)
 
I sat up, and seriously considered the question. It was then, that I truly realized how much I love working and hate my life in limbo otherwise known as “in recovery”.
 
“Yes, voices of my tortured head, it is true. I love working and I hate my life. I’ve been home too long. I’ve been living even longer. I really would like to go back to work, clock in, answer phones and listen to idiots working alongside of me and playing bill collector.”

Footnote “Note to self”: Do yourself a favor: play the lottery and plan on winning that jackpot. Do whatever it is that you have to do to never work a day more than necessary. It’s too late for me–I’ve chosen a difficult path. But for you, you spoon fed, lazy, piece of shit; there is still a chance to never accomplish anything. Now go and succeed at doing nothing. All this from those snarky voices in my head, trust me I could not deliver this message of hope all on my own.

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