Monday un~fun~day

Ruby's Coffee~
Ruby's Coffee~

My morning coffee was craptastic, how can that be? It was decaf, yes clearly I was insane thinking I could cheerfully survive the day….not, I survived but I was not entirely functional. I will rectify the error of my ways, I have my coffee pot ready to go, it is loaded, Mr. Joe will be back, he will meet my standards and delivery me his dark, strong well bodied taste and strength, I need him to do right by me…we are back to 3 scoops per cup…so tomorrow at least will start with a semblance of perfection.

I had a scheduled telephone interview with a service dedicated to assist me in filing my SS disability claim, that was over an hour on the phone, that was torture, I was highly distracted with thoughts of a morning java do over….but by the time I was done with that I was ready for lunch…so I had a salad…and forgot about the weakness Mr. Joe had shown me earlier. I instead brewed myself a cup of green tea, that hit the spot.

Tea for Ruby~
Tea for Ruby~

I watched a couple of shows I had DVR’d, I also watched an older movie, “An Eye for an Eye” Sally Field looks much younger now then she did back in 96….how is that possible….hmmm….

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I’m wide awake now, but I am going to try for some sleep….wish me success…I’m tired of these super long ass never-ending days of nothingness…is all…

Search has been called off

I gave up looking for those 2 years…they are somewhere I just haven’t a clue…I will try again this weekend…being that I have 2 more days to search.

Rhymes with witch~
Rhymes with witch~

Today was a bitch, pretty much like me….seems I had a flare up and opened my mouth, put my foot in there and gagged myself when my thigh tickled my throat…I don’t recommend you try this at home, it has horrible repurcussions….not a good thing, I want to be like Martha when I grow up.

I took a nap earlier, a good two hours…not sure that was a bright move….I do hope to get some sleep tonight…the thought of a sleepless night just slays me…

Working together makes it easier~
Working together makes it easier~

I made a list of chores for the boys, so tomorrow they will have to get their chores done before they can become enslaved to any electronic device. This house looks like crap, I can’t stand the filth anymore….so tomorrow they clean, I will direct, instruct and nag.

On my mind….randomness

Ruby's Random Thought's
Ruby's Random Thought's

Sleep…getting it versus not getting it…

Sex…getting it versus not getting it…

Life…getting it…..well you get the idea…

I kid…on all of the above….except I really should be sleeping…

Well anywho…my pantry and freezer are getting pretty bare so I’ll be getting creative with meals…I do have beans and ground beef…so I’m thinking of making some chili, I really do need to make it to the grocery store but I’m still not up for it.

I need new reading material…I just cannot get into this Robin Cook book I have…I’ve got other books laying around so maybe later I’ll go through them and find something to read….

Watched Oprah and the big secret revealed by former One Day at a Time actress and my first reaction was eww…mixed feelings on the whole subject, did anyone else watch it? Do you believe the allegations? Ten years is a long time to carry on something like that…sad if it is true and I could see why she has done all those drugs if that is the case. Just something about it didn’t ring true for me….

I also taped the first 2 days of DWTS, then watched most of it in fastforward, I’ve never really just sat there and got involved with it but the TV lineup doesn’t offer many choices. Something else I have been watching on fast forward is the Young & the Restless, I’ve been a Y&R watcher since I was yay high (making hand motion to show I was but a mere child) the storylines and writing have become terrible. If they don’t turn the writing around Iwill probably give it up sooner or later…the funny thing is my aunt and I will be talking about family and in the middle of it we may pepper the conversations with questions about Victor, Nicki, or any of the other characters and discuss them as if they were family…it is quite amusing….

Sleep eludes me…again

Back to being up when the rest of the world sleeps, pondering a myriad of thoughts. Listening to the rain falling in the background, the lull of the fan, all that should help me sleep, but it doesn’t. Back to my life, where I will spend the next hours and days ordering the boys around to get things done. I wish I had the energy to do it all, I would be moving furniture, hanging those pictures that have been propped up against the wall for months. But my body isn’t yet ready for that. Instead all my body can do for me at this time is betray me.

I’ve mapped myself out a new haircut, I hope I am able to execute it, it will require reaching up….maybe I should try a dry run before I start hacking away…LOL it would be a mess if I start cutting only to have to quit midway through it.

I’m off to try to read myself to sleep, started a new book last night, it’s got a good start so maybe that will help bring the sleepies…can’t spel, don’t care….night loves…

~Sunday, bloody (more like boring) Sunday~

Earthquake in Tokyo, typhoon in China, air crash in NY, landslide in India, latinos hail Sotomayor, Texas inmate hides gun in fat flabs, 40 hurt in California prison riot, Baby Found Crawling on Busy Street, Hillary cuts her hair….such is the craziness around us.

As for me, well, more sleeplessness than I care for, I wish I could sleep 10-20 hours a day, that would surely help me with this damn recovery, I’m so fucking tired of being tired, tired of hurting, of not being able to get around. Imiss my independence, one thing is for sure, I will not ever take it for granted.

The day has to get here sooner rather than later where I will be able to just get on with my life. I don’t know what the next stage will be, I do know than I will make changes, like possibly more travel. More get togethers with family, I will work on accepting the invitations to visit….

But today….well I have another day of nothingness ahead of me, I need to go to the grocery store, but I just don’t have the energy or desire to go….I wish I had a personal shopper, that knew what products and brands I use….oh well….I can dream….even if I have to be awake to do it….

Well I’m off hopefully something positive will fall on me today…

Still awake….ughh

I hate that I can’t sleep, my attempts at self medicating didn’t work, but at least my mini fridge is stocked. So what is in store for me today….hmm…well in a few I intend to give up on trying to sleep, it’s pointless, I’ve checed out a few blogs, and read a few emails…I will be reading a few newswires…check out what is going on in the world of the living….my frustration at being alone with myself is wearing thin…how did I become so isolated? Well I know the answer to that….so what am I going to do about it? Stay tuned……….

Conversations with the self~

The wonderful, tolerant, secure and centered woman I am most of the time is now having occasional and somewhat frequent bouts of irrational thoughts and sulkiness and I’ve taken to fixating on some pretty strange ideas. Let me give you an example. ….

One morning over the weekend, I got up to make coffee and found myself walking into the bathroom and standing before the mirror and I caught a glare, yes you heard that right, I was glaring at myself in the mirror…..

What’s up with you? I asked my still half asleep self…I had a face that seemed carved out of the most sour  and acidic lemon to ever grow on a tree…there was a long silence….as I shunned myself…I asked myself again the same question, but I shunned myself once again, perhaps it was the lack of caffeine that was affecting my hearing, I padded back to the kitchen, the pot was done brewing my java, sweet nectar of life, it sustains me, it gives life to me when I believe myself to be dead….it also gives me the worst breath you can imagine, but that’s okay, I can slay a dragon or two, so I can’t complain…..so after taking a few strong bodied sips of my Joe I asked my reflection in the mirror again, self….what is up with you?….

Seems that I was still shunning myself, I did so in my sleep, I went to give myself a much needed hug, but instead I pushed myself away….yes, in my sleep, I rejected myself and it hurt, deeply….you know the rejection you feel when you reach out for a candy at the store in the checkout lane and your hand is slapped away or you are loudly admonished with a piercing shrieking no, well that is how I felt at that precise moment…..

At this point, I think you get the idea of how ridiculous I am sounding but having committed myself to the argument; I am not going to give it up easily. I believe this is merely a subconscious manifestation of my desire for freedom. What followed was a good two hours of internally dissecting said incident…..

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