I’ve never been in relationships. I prefer to call them ‘momentary lapses in judgment’. Okay granted my lapses tend to take on a life of their own while I bury my head in the sand and pretend all is well. I’ve acquired some knowledge through experience. I’m no longer allowing myself to be a doormat…and sadly (not for me) someone has to contend with the consequences of my learning’s. I am not fully invested (emotionally) in this new lapse….so when circumstances interfere with plans and I don’t get all broken-hearted over a rain check…I don’t want to hear any “poor me, you don’t care about me” crap…we are grown folks here with jobs and families and unforeseen wrenches thrown in the mix….like a broken stove I have to deal with, or a shift I picked up to pay for the broken stove….or the 50 extra shifts I’ll have to pick up to pay for the tires I needed and the other 50 extra shifts I’ll have to also pick up to cover the expense of cutting a tree down that is as rotten on the inside as I am….sigh…..life is grand….or in some cases a few grand$.



Though I try to not overshare with new people, I do so with old people….well not really old, but people I see almost daily….anywho…questions keep coming up in the “personal” section….sigh….

No, not married….I totally sucked at it and have no intentions of doing that shit anytime soon, perhaps never. Marriage is the DEVIL.

Yes, I get lonely, and that usually lasts for at most 5 minutes, then I’m good. Besides chocolate makes everything better.

No, not looking for a boyfriend, though I am not a man hater, I just don’t have any use for one. No, not even for “THAT”….

I am busy with work, family and friends….mainly busy with work….

I am not at work to be “courted” and no I’m not giving out my number….

But I do hear some funny shit…..and no matter what they may blather on about…all I really hear is “I’m really attracted to how unavailable you are.”



Looks like the tit for tat bullshit nonsense is trying to rear its ugly head…tried nipping it in the bud but it may have backfired. Maybe I should study conflict resolution a little more. My idea of resolution is to say “fuck you” and walk away….though I now tend to just say it inside my head…not very effective…but part of it is the whole trying to be mature about things. Skulking isn’t so much my thing but I am reactive to it….anyway enough about that nonsense…I have more randomness…

I have been flirted with and hit on….it was kinda sorta fun (not the hit on part, there is something smarmy about that) the flirting I can handle….but full out hitting on is just not cool….but it is amusing to hear the lines being used….I so wanna ask if their delivered BS ever works but sadly the answer is probably a yes…but not for me.

People are NASTY and stupid…well perhaps not so stupid after all they did get what they wanted….

I’m gaining my weight back in a fun way….eating lots….but I didn’t get to my ice cream yet….I’m scheduling that for my next day off…juggling 2 jobs I have to get  strategic about the eating of certain things that have adverse effects on me…ice cream makes my belly bloat….and makes me feel miserable….usually afterwards, thankfully not while eating….

Well I’m off to read myself to sleep, have a long 2 days coming up….

Self Worth~

Maybe she’s born with it. Maybe it’s Maybelline®.

Maybe it’s a whole lot of other stuff that just bubbled up to the surface, kinda like the head on a frosty beer mug. Maybe it is the incessant reminders of mistakes made in times past. Maybe it’s the stupid games she got caught up with, though she knew it was an unfair battle, she went against someone who was entirely witless. Maybe it’s the self-repression, maybe it’s just a whole lot of this, that the other. What matters is that she recognized she had self-worth. It may not amount to more than a hill of beans but worth is worth.

She figures no price tag can be slapped on it, no negotiations need to be considered at this time, perhaps never. It’ s good to have options, this I wisely tell her. Keep your options open, dust yourself off and try again. I feel so full of wisdom, others may think I’m full of crap, it’s whatever.

She realized that she had made choices, bad choices, choices that made her self-worth conditional on other people. She accepts the responsibility for her circumstances. She made a decision to do something about them…even if others appear to stand in her way, she will work around them. She won’t resign.

I’ll be there every step of the way.♥

Epiphanies galore~

These may not make sense to anyone but me, and that’s okay.

One door opens and sadness walks in, with an ending. Sadness tripped and split its pants. Well no that didn’t happen anywhere but in my head. ☺

When no one believes you even if everything you say is the truth, hurt a little, cry a little and let the choice be theirs.

Sometimes life leaves a hundred dollar bill on your dresser and you don’t realize until later that it’s because it fucked you.

Some people have this amazing ability in life, the ability to still care for people they shouldn’t give a damn about, people they have every right to hate because of all the shit they have put them through. I am not one of those people and I hate that about me, even though I hate Hate.

Deception is harmful to relationships, this I know and have been guilty of, try as I might I still fall into my own machinations…but this isn’t about me, even though the exact same thing was done to me. It pains me to know that someone I love dearly has gone through this, a fake attempt to entrap this person was perpetuated and all I can say is that trying to lay a trap for someone you love is sucky and devious in its own way. What does that say about the person going through extremes, if there is no trust, there is nothing.

If there is no trust there is nothing.

07/09/08 D Day

Fracaso Epico

Three years ago today began the journey of much sorrow and pain and lots of hurts, hurts hurled by me and to me, not an entirely mutual decision but at the same time I didn’t voice my refusal to go through what was a given. I am filled with many regrets but hindsight being what it is and whatnot…well as I am fond of saying it is what it is and a new one I’ll be annoyingly using is I am what I am. Most decidedly a Fracaso Epico, yes I’ve used this one before…Epic Fail. I have learned much about forgiveness, forgiveness comes in many levels, superficial forgiveness meant to mollify the wrongdoer, I’ve been guilty myself of saying to someone I forgive you for “this” or “that” but it hasn’t been true forgiveness and whatever the relationship is with that person, that relationship will continue to languish. I will forever and a day carry in my heart remorse for my part in the hurts I caused, unfortunately life doesn’t allow for do-overs. Sadly the aggrieved party is unable to believe in me or trust that I am sincerely contrite, but my actions are my continued downfall. I am a victim of my own inanity, repeatedly I foolishly do things that to me appear to be good but have the opposite effect. My own catch 22 if you will. I have this habit of not only putting my foot in my mouth but I exceed in the talent of gagging myself with my foot, knee and thigh. I’ve grown quite weary of myself, there are the days where I just sit and ponder the meaning of all “this”. What am I here for? Quite honestly I can say that if I didn’t have my boys to look after I wouldn’t be here.  There is nothing worse than facing yourself day after day in a mirror and see a revolting reflection looking back at you. I found myself trying to talk to an invisible and failing entity known to others as “God” I got nothing back, that hasn’t changed. As a child when I was prone to believing in “God”, the Easter Bunny and Santa, I quickly learned the disillusionment that comes from the allegorical contributions by the adults around me. I guess it is tradition that keeps these entities thriving.

In other news I am happy to report that I have been getting some much-needed sleep, I have been eating pain pills with sleeping pills as a chaser…pro’s and cons in no particular order….sleep, additional pain during waking hours, horrid dry mouth, mental anguish, suicidal thoughts, homicidal thoughts…hmmm…seems the cons always supersede the pros. I wish I could get the timing right, like what would be a good time to take these damn pills so that I could go to sleep at a decent hour and not spend 3 to 5 hours trying to read myself to sleep, then sleeping until mid morning or early afternoon. But then again what else do I have to do…oh here’s another pro…once asleep my body adjusts to the scorching indoor high temperature (97°) and I am able to sleep without getting all sweaty…I wish my body had that awesome power during the daytime hours when it gets as high as 100°. Totally sucktastic. Oh and here’s yet another pro…water I have increased the H2O intake, con I am unable to lift the 5 gallon water jugs…which I used to be able to do before and trust me I have thought about going solo to water filling place to refill my jugs and fucking up my back even more. I HATE having to bug anyone else to do that for me, but there is no way I am going to drink tap water. So yes Virginia I will have to suck it up and ask for help…unless I am in a pissy mood then I’ll go fuck myself while I do it just because I am stupidly stubborn and INDEPENDENT. Did you know being independent can suck big fat purple monkey balls? Well did ya? Well if you didn’t know, I am here to tell you that it does…and boy has that been a curse for me…hmmm…I just had an ephiphany…I am a curse unto myself.

Going clubbing~

Their relationship was…interesting…and they both battled for control, and not infrequently they had heated discussions — arguments — okay, fights. They regularly resolved to do better, but on whose terms would they do better?

His! Hers!

Round and round, and then they would be making up and falling back in love, until before long they were “discussing” again. Over their many years together, this rhythm, which others might find unbearable, had become familiar and even comfortable, mostly because it was theirs. And in spite of the storm cycles, there had been no big betrayals — no affairs — or at least, um, none that she knew of.

She came to appreciate the volatility of their union, in her it cemented a warped sense of love, honor and trust. She knew the opposite could be said for him.

She stumbled upon many clubs in the night-time hours when others slept. She went clubbing, on her own, as a voyeur she could sit back and watch implosions. Relationships are a mystery to her, on the outside they can look shiny, pretty, wrapped up in a perfectly puffed out bow. Upon closer inspection, looking through a film covered glass the once shiny façade becomes a run of the mill story that can be found in every “Once upon a time” tale. Sitting there, eavesdropping on a table of jaded lovers she hears truths.

Yes, she has the best possible “Once upon a time” tale of her own.

Happily never after….cause she has it good~

A little reminder for women~

If a man wants you, nothing can keep him away.
If he doesn’t want you, nothing can make him stay.
Stop making excuses for a man and his behavior.
Allow your intuition (or spirit) to save you from heartache.
Stop trying to change yourself for a relationship that’s not meant to be.
Slower is better.
Never live your life for a man before you find what makes you truly happy.
If a relationship ends because the man was not treating you as you deserve then heck no, you can’t “be friends”. A friend wouldn’t mistreat a friend.
Don’t settle.
If you feel like he is stringing you along, then he probably is
Don’t stay because you think “it will get better”
You’ll be mad at yourself a year later for staying when things are not better.
The only person you can control in a relationship is you.
Avoid men who’ve got a bunch of children by a bunch of different women.
He didn’t marry them when he got them pregnant, why would he treat you any differently?
Always have your own set of friends separate from his.
Maintain boundaries in how a guy treats you. If something bothers you, speak up.
Never let a man know everything.* He will use it against you later.
You cannot change a man’s behavior.* Change comes from within.
Don’t EVER make him feel he is more important than you are…
Even if he has more education or in a better job.
Do not make him into a quasi-god.
He is a man, nothing more nothing less.

Never let a man define who you are.
Never borrow someone else’s man.
A man will only treat you the way you ALLOW him to treat you.
All men are NOT dogs.
You should not be the one doing all the bending….
Compromise is two way street.
You need time to heal between relationships…
There is nothing cute about baggage…
Deal with your issues before pursuing a new relationship
You should never look for someone to COMPLETE you….
A relationship consists of two WHOLE individuals….
Look for someone complimentary…not supplementary.
Dating is fun…even if he doesn’t turn out to be Mr. Right.
Make him miss you sometimes…when a man always know where you are, and you’re always readily available to him – he takes it for granted
Never move into his mother’s house. Never co-sign for a man.
Don’t fully commit to a man who doesn’t give you everything that you need.*
Keep him in your radar but get to know others. Scared of being alone is what makes a lot of women stay in relationships that are abusive or hurtful:
You should know that:
You’re the best thing that could ever happen to anyone and if a man mistreats you, he’ll miss out on a good thing. If he was attracted to you in the 1st place, just know that he’s not the only one.
They’re all watching you, so you have a lot of choices.
Make the right one.
Ladies take care of your own hearts….
Share this with other women and men (just so they know)…
You’ll make someone smile, another rethink her choices, and another woman prepare.

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