Morning suckiness….

Woke up this morning to a knock on my bedroom door, boy # 2 destroyed the bathroom. FML, too damn early for that. It’s like child please, stop wasting precious time bragging about your amazing feats and fix the damn crapper. Sheesh.

Lawn mower also is jacked up. Have jungles growing wild in front and back. So today after school they will be pulling weeds and picking up branches and trash. Home ownership can totally suck ass when there are little things needing fixing and we have limited handyman skills.

At least I picked up a few hours, that will save me from going off on the kidlets, a simple note with instructions will be left. Their dinner is also prepared. In a few I’ll fix my lunch and get ready and head out.

Calgon can’t take me away but for a few hours I’ll be away from temporary stressors.

I have a couple of old friends who’ve reached out, I’m trying to reach back as it was hit and miss….sometimes it is cool to reconnect, others not so much.

Well I’m off to perform miracles (must lotion and potion myself into some type of human semblance. The hair will be left with the “just rolled out of bed” look. I have lost the vanity required to make too much of an effort. Must thank my detractors.

 

Butterflies….

Day before yesterday as I sat outside enjoying the pleasant weather I saw a butterfly, hadn’t seen one in a while, it never stopped long enough for me to take a pic….

Today my beautiful friend posted a picture of a butterfly as it reminded her of me….

Today I felt butterflies….mixed feelings on those….my heart went pitter patter…yep I heard it.

Still kicking….

Well no not really….I’ve lost my kicking abilities, not to be confused with my kick ass abilities, those are still there. My back has been kicking my ass…yeah it is humanly possible…..trust me on that one. I’m out of Norco, do not have insurance and probably wouldn’t be able to afford a refill….so on to plan B….or what I’ve decided I may try…I’ll share if and when I implement the plan and have success….if I fail then I’ll spare you…and me.☺

Still gainfully employed, not anywhere close to fulltime but my body wouldn’t be able to handle it at this point…nor my head….today I began feeling feverish, I was not my most coherent and my temper had to be kept in check….stupid people usually don’t faze me but when I’m in pain I tend to get cranky and stupid people set me off….I can’t elaborate because I’ve learned this isn’t the place to air things….still haven’t created my safe haven…though I do have “friends” who offer their ears, shoulders and whatnot to me…I just can’t go there….not ready to trust anyone.

I’m hoping that tomorrow I will feel better and I can treat the boys to either a meal out or maybe even a movie…they are off from school for a couple of weeks. I will enjoy the time spent with them, just wish my oldest could visit, but not this year….funny how life is, I wish them all grown up and out of here but then I know when the last two leave I will be so lost without them. My two youngest already have their plans in place for when the time comes for them to leave the nest….they are growing up too fast….sheesh…I need to quit here….I’m missing them and they haven’t even left. Must be the pain and the meds having me all melancholic and whatnot.

It’s been a while…

…since I’ve come here and added anything of substance. Anymore and I just don’t know if I should even bother talking. Not that it matters if I say anything, it isn’t what I say….but it is what I don’t say…lately it is way too convoluted even for me. Updates….well I’ve returned to the real world (somewhat) I am now working….earning a paycheck feels good, but the pain involved can suck big fat purple monkey balls. That and the dreaded D word (DRAMA) which is to be expected when working with people. I so wish I was qualified to work with the dead….after many years of working by myself it is a readjustment to integrate myself with the human species….I much prefer working solo…but that was a once in a lifetime opportunity I don’t expect to have again….damn my luck….it was good while it lasted and all good things must come to an end.

Lately I’ve been having a not so comfortable need…the feeling of needing someone to talk to. I hate feeling needy….even if it is just a pesky little need as human interaction…but I don’t trust anyone anymore and don’t want to put myself out there again for obvious reasons…well obvious to me….

My meds are taking longer to kick in or at least it feels like it…anywho…I may soon be shutting this down and moving towards complete anonymity or writing retirement….not sure just rambling thoughts.

Sola~

Home alone….hadn’t been home alone in a while…enjoying it, have laundry going, I’m still in my nighty and will remain so until I actually have to get clothes on…got my coffee, newspapers, DVR’d stuff, and a book I’ve been trying to finish reading. Today will be a lazy day for as long as I can make it lazy, I will have to cook later and do other domestic stuff…but for now laziness is mine.

When you give it all you got, you sometimes end up with nothing.

Can’t say I gave it my ALL, I had to leave some behind just to survive…but I still ended up with nothing…I’m operating in the negatives. but hey that is life. Life also has a way of balancing itself out….sometimes it just takes a very long ASS time.

Karma has a funny way of working, when one door closes sometimes a bunch of others open…in the weirdest of ways. I’ve had recent contact with different people in my past, we are talking of upwards of maybe close to 20 years and some as recent as 10 months. Funny how we don’t think we can make an impact on someone’s life, yet we do, not always for the best, but to reach out after so long….mind you that I don’t quite get the point of the contact….and I didn’t initiate it. (I hardly ever do, I like to make my goodbyes (if I even bothered with a goodbye) real goodbyes. Some doors are meant to stay closed, so even though I allowed the door to become ajar it is time to quietly close it again, and this time put a lock on it.

Dirty words~

Abstaining, modification,refraining, withdrawing, withholding, go without, give up, curb….such dirty words, not ear friendly words for anyone on any kind of “diet”.

I’ve had to restrict myself, give up “something” I truly love that just isn’t good for me. Growing up all I needed to spur me in a destructive path were the words, “you can’t”, can’t do this, can’t do that, can’t have this, can’t have that, etc, etc. Now I am having to be all grown up about the whole situation and deny myself. I have to be the one to sternly say to myself, “Self, you CAN’T!!!”.  I’m so tired of adding things to the “can’t” have list…little things like a manicure or pedicure at a salon, a haircut by someone other than myslf….the list just goes on and on…I guess it is official I am now a member of the “have-nots”.

Chocolate is still allowed…and that’s only because I can’t afford for any doctor to tell me I can’t have that either. It’s the little things. ♥

Roughing it~

I don’t make good silly putty or a yo-yo for that matter, but I feel like the latter. Had another rough night, pain ( a constant presence in my life in one form or another) and insomnia. I am just exhausted beyond belief and having to pretend otherwise sucks. The boys will have been in school a full week at the end of the day, they’ve had a great week and have been very enthusiastic in their after school reports. So grateful for that brightness after daily darkness. I woke up with swollen eyes barely able to open them and finding that I really didn’t want to open them….I even missed the boys leaving for school. This morning has been more of doing what I did last night to make my eyes swell, but now I need to get the swelling down, it isn’t a very attractive look and it is hard to get my contacts in so I won’t do that until much later. I’m off to rest my eyes and hide under the covers today…just not up to dealing with life right now. Phone ringers are off, doors are locked, shades are drawn and my bed is calling, meds finally kicking in and I need the oblivion.

Un clavo saca otro clavo~

Bueno ese es el dicho, y pueda que si sea verdad. Y no es que tenga prisa en sacarme el clavo, lo prefiero bien metido pa que no se me olvide lo pendeja.

So much and so many were on hold, but it must have been a telepathic communication because my phone rang twice today. Quite unexpected, but pleasant.

Today I debated hair changes, and that is as far as I got, my back has been hurting like a bitch so I put off cutting or coloring. I took a muscle relaxer, but the pain goes deeper than the muscle…which is painfully obvious considering the lowly muscle relaxer hasn’t done shit for me. So I’m going to fall back on booze and heavy narcotics.

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