And again…it has been a while…

I’ve missed writing, I miss my writing mojo, I miss so very much, now let me count the ways…the what, and what nots or just ramble…later this AM I am embarking on a road trip…I have not recovered from the last road trip…I miss my BOUNCE….before I could go road tripping, walk around all over the place, go back to my room, get a shower, get a few hours of sleep and do it again and again until the weekend ended…now…not so much…the pain is unbearable, the exhaustion from trying to function, to be human, to be kind, to be everything I was easily before…it sucks, sucks big fat purple monkey balls. I hate this existence…it has caused me to reevaluate a major dream I had…I feel robbed of my independence….I have always prided myself in doing for myself, tackling anything that came my way…I have never liked asking for any help, not from my kids, not from family or friends…now, not to sound ungrateful or anything…I am quite grateful and very appreciative for any and all help I have received or continue to receive…but that doesn’t take away from my feelings….and boy do I have some strong ass feelings of uselessness… I do still maintain my home and maintain an existence that seems not too bad…and others have it much worse, and blah, blah, blah…but I am not here to ramble on about anyone else, this, THIS is about me…and right now I don’t like me, I don’t like the sinking darkness that envelops me, I feel a heavy cloak of darkness, exhaustion…sofa king tired…I just don’t want this, and here I am to vent, bitch and whine…not to be confused with wine…that’ll be later…after all a good coping mechanism can be found at the bottom of a barrel or wine bottle…so for now I intend to continue to wallow in my self pity, in my warm and heavy darkness, I am not interested in leaving my pity party until I am good and ready, I don’t need therapy, I don’t need any well meaning anyone trying to draw me out…I am well equipped to handle my “episodes” all on my own, sort myself out and put my fake ass smile on when I am good and ready…and for anyone familiar with RBF, well a big part of that is being all up in my self and in my feelings. I don’t set out to have a distant, fuck off, fuck you look, but there you go, and there it is and there I am or here I am. THIS is/was my therapy, putting words to my feelings, to my thoughts…and with that this is it for now…making a vow to myself to get back to finding my voice…even if it is just in written form…much preferable to actually using that voice IRL.

TTFN

When you hurt…you know..

Or at least I do, I know I am alive, I know I am stupid, I know I have limitations, I know I exceeded the limitations, I know I can still do stupid stuff and more importantly I just know I Cantu (can too).

I decided to do some yard work, which I wholeheartedly enjoy…unfortunately my back is not so fond of my lack of better judgement…I’ll start feeling the tightness, the messages sent to my brain, but something in me refuses to quit…I keep pushing and pushing…and here we are days later and still hurting (a lot) but also I am waiting for the pain to ease up so I can get back to it…yes, I could easily engage in getting help…but that would be depriving myself of such a simple joy…minus the fucking calluses. Those I don’t like, but I have manly rough hands, nothing sissy about my hands…nothing sissy about me at all…

And on to other things…my brain has been foggier, more so than what has become the norm….could be the drugs, could be the lack of activity (mental) I have been having a hard time getting into finishing a book I just started…granted when I am in pain I just cannot concentrate…so I pick the book up and keep reading the same 2-3 pages and putting it back down…I know, this too shall pass…like a kidney stone or stuck compacted turd.

And another thing I really do think I should get back to writing, like seriously my brain needs the self stimulation that only I can provide for it.

And that’s all I have for now.

 

New chapter….

So a new chapter of my life is in front of me….I left home before I completed high school, got married and had my first son…life has been rocky at best, but not dull. Marriage did not work out for me so I went on to do the single mother thing….then I gave it another shot and had two more kids….all in all I have been a mother for about 30 years….yes I count back to when I discovered I was with child as the beginning of my road to motherhood. For the most part I have always been a single parent, even when I was in a relationship I was going it alone….I did find it easier to go it alone….there wasn’t anyone to contradict me in parenting matters…anywho…I survived it! I can proudly attest to the fact that I have 3 amazing sons, each of them following their own path. And while I may not be proud of the choices and paths they have taken I can certainly say that I am proud that they have followed their heart. I certainly did that myself…and yes that has led me to some poor choices, but they were my own choices. Even as a youngster with family feeling they had to opine I was of the mindset that they could just shut the fuck up…they weren’t paying my bills or in any way stepping up to help in any way shape or form.

With a heavy heart I took my son to San Antonio to hand him over to the US Navy…but when I say heavy I don’t mean it in a woe is me…my heart was heavy with a whole ball of emotions, happiness, joy, pride, love and admiration. On the drive there we did a lot of talking….the days before he left we spent as much time together as possible…on one of our outings he sang me a song….aside from the explicit and totally inappropriate lyrics I could hear the raw talent in his voice as he hit some rather high notes….I didn’t know he had that in him, he had never sang in front of me. I swear if he hadn’t already committed to the Navy I’d have been recording his ass and blasting him all over social media until someone took notice.

This last one leaving the nest hits hard…I’ve been looking forward to the experience of living alone, there is trepidation, nervousness, and a slew of other emotions and considerations…I know I’ll be fine. I can’t wait to start living this new chapter…actually I already have, part of that process is deep cleaning my house…though at every turn I keep finding things my child did not pack….then I get nostalgic…and I find that I will have to get another box….it’s a process.

I’ll for sure be making a bigger attempt in writing more, reading more, reconnecting more with friends I’ve neglected….funny thing about life is that it doesn’t slow down….and I can’t speed myself anymore than I already move….I curse this piece of shit body that doesn’t always cooperate with me. I am still of the mindset that I can do everything for myself…I can’t…and I hate that. It is my struggle and I am fortunate enough to have friends that are willing to step up and help out….on that note I’m stopping here I’ve things I need to get to as my break is over….

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Social Media and Ruby~~~~

What? Yeah…..some trends that have been growing exponentially….on Facebook most days I feel like I don’t know the place anymore….I used to enjoy my drop-ins and contributions to make someone smile or think….nowI feel like I accidentally stumbled back in time and I’m in church….the Church of Facebook….where there are all sorts of condemnations…..or back when I’d drop in at the town’s local pancake and coffee shop and the old timers would get into heated discussions over politics….***SIGH**** I do miss the old Facebook….I know some of the going ons are trends, the pet posting, the trout pout pics, etc, etc….anywho I’ll stop bitching about that….

Day off from job 1, so much to do and waiting on motivation, savoring my coffee…still doing laundry, have ironing to do, clothes to put away,a vacuum to run, a list of things I want to put together and photograph and hopefully sell, if not off to freecycle. I also have to try to finish my haircut….I can get one side just right or close enough to where it does what I want to, but I get challenged with the other side, I’ll eventually get it to where I’m okay with it or where I give up and let it grow out again.

My cup is almost dry…so I’ll be wrapping things up, shower, haircut, ironing station setup, may watch a movie while I do that….then I’m hoping for a nap before I go to job 2…..I want to enter a drawing for maid service for a year….and win….where do I sign up????

Time to refocus….

…and disengage….and re-engage in other areas…today was somewhat productive, got laundry done (some, not all, as laundry is one of those damn pesky never-ending, never done, has to get done pesky chores…) and done is not quite accurate as putting stuff away is part of the done process….so half assed done…hey it’s better than nothing….went grocery shopping, forgot milk, damn it.

Read for a while, watched TV for a bit, hung out with the kidlets, left them alone then they came to my room to hang out some more. Gotta love ’em, just wish my oldest was close by.

Sat down with my bucket of ice cream, box of cones and pigged out….but I balanced it out with yard work and a salad.

My back is not happy with me, but it’s not like I can afford a landscaping crew….and nobody around here feels any responsibility in maintaining a clean yard….ohoh…here comes the bitchventscreamcrap….

WAH….I am so fucking tired….tired of taking care of EVERY FUCKING THING. Well not done taking care of shit, more like worrying about it…I have some areas needing MAJOR REPAIRS. Like a board that is holding the electrical wires that is somewhat detached from the house, it is barely hanging on….I’d hate to see it give….I’ve paid for a half assed repair, that didn’t last…yeah kinda got screwed on that one….I need to focus on getting the funds together for that….so major cutting back on…hmmm…not sure what….yeah no more indulging in ice cream….or going out, so yeah, work and home and that is it.

Well I’m off to focus on other schtuff….

I feel better now that I got to whine a bit….thank you internets, I wuv ewe….

Whoever said hair doesn’t grow on nipples didn’t see “those” nipples….

Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)

Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…

They just keep on growing………

 

Well the damn weeds will not pull themselves the fuck out. So I am on my knees, I’m stooped over and I’m killing my already killed back doing what nobody else seems to think they need to do. Yeah sure having a landscaper would be great, but I’m the damn landscaper, not that I’m scaping the land, but I sure as hell am trying to keep it from becoming overgrown with weeds. I’m also stripping paint off of a coffee table so I can repaint it, I don’t yet know what color I’ll be doing it, maybe something bright and unexpected or maybe boring black.

Rainless and random~

Nowadays when we want to get the latest on local news we turn to FB, (that would be Facebook) if there’s been breaking news, or a break up, or even a make-up and no not the makeup we put on our faces, but the relationship kind….if it rains, what the current temperature is, you name it and more than likely someone has posted about it. I’m hardly surprised at what people post, someone (a long time ago) left the bag of idiots open and quite a few got out, some have been recaptured and tamed, but there are still quite a few roaming free and reproducing. I happen to be related to some that should have never reproduced, yes it’s mean to say it, but I think those idiots are meaner than I could ever be. Those same idiots have had no shame posting their disdain for their offspring and not in a joking manner, I’ve seen some (which shall remain nameless to protect their offspring) who have posted publicly how they hate their children and wished them to have never been born. Yes quite dramatic but sadly true.  Said idiots have been banned from my social (networking) life. And because I too have called my own children idiots I feel I need to clarify, mind you that I do clarify for my own children as well, they are not idiots, they simply do idiotic things, and before someone thinks me a hypocrite, I am to blame for some of the idiotic behavior of my children, I am their mother and father so all blame is automatically shifted to me. That’s just how the cookie crumbles in my house.

Sorry I got distracted with the FB tangent….I was on the subject of rain, or rather the lack of it, for over an hour I enjoyed the light show (lightning) and the thunder and even the teasing smell of rain, but alas not a single drop from the sky fell around me….and yes FB and the peeps and peepettes there were posting about the rain they got, they are but a few miles away….so what gives mother nature? Well not that i expect her to reply to my question….I know the answer, it just is not meant to be, at least not today.

Boy number two has been asking just about everyday if I’m going anywhere…but now I know who will be ready to go with me to the grocery store early Sunday morning. I promised him he could drive there and back. Now that could be an idiotic move on my part, but hopefully we survive it, if not well there will be one less idiot on the road, (or two).

 

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