Fun Sunday exercise…

Took a few minutes from the crazy that usually goes on working the day shift to speak to three of our clients, names are drawn at random and we have an informal question and answer…(Questions/exercises are provided by our in house counselor)

Q. When/how did you have your aha moment? A. I should’ve known better. He always kept close tabs on me. He hated when I accused him of spying on me, so I just let him snoop. Jane Doe # 1. age 27 victim of emotional abuse and stalking.

Q. How/when did it start? A. It begins like a little drip you don’t even notice — an off-hand remark that is “just a joke.” I’m told I’m too sensitive and the remark was no big deal. It seems so small and insignificant at the time. I probably am a little too sensitive, but I didn’t start out being so sensitive, now everything is a trigger. Jane Doe # 2. Age 45, victim of emotional and psychological abuse.

Q. What are your thoughts on PTSD in relation to victims of domestic abuse?
A. Although I initially thought PTSD was a bit extreme, it’s been almost three years and certain noises or situations still trigger difficult memories for me. Jane Doe # 3. Age 32 victim of physical, mental, emotional, verbal abuse and stalking.Life sucks big sweaty hairy balls

And again…it has been a while…

I’ve missed writing, I miss my writing mojo, I miss so very much, now let me count the ways…the what, and what nots or just ramble…later this AM I am embarking on a road trip…I have not recovered from the last road trip…I miss my BOUNCE….before I could go road tripping, walk around all over the place, go back to my room, get a shower, get a few hours of sleep and do it again and again until the weekend ended…now…not so much…the pain is unbearable, the exhaustion from trying to function, to be human, to be kind, to be everything I was easily before…it sucks, sucks big fat purple monkey balls. I hate this existence…it has caused me to reevaluate a major dream I had…I feel robbed of my independence….I have always prided myself in doing for myself, tackling anything that came my way…I have never liked asking for any help, not from my kids, not from family or friends…now, not to sound ungrateful or anything…I am quite grateful and very appreciative for any and all help I have received or continue to receive…but that doesn’t take away from my feelings….and boy do I have some strong ass feelings of uselessness… I do still maintain my home and maintain an existence that seems not too bad…and others have it much worse, and blah, blah, blah…but I am not here to ramble on about anyone else, this, THIS is about me…and right now I don’t like me, I don’t like the sinking darkness that envelops me, I feel a heavy cloak of darkness, exhaustion…sofa king tired…I just don’t want this, and here I am to vent, bitch and whine…not to be confused with wine…that’ll be later…after all a good coping mechanism can be found at the bottom of a barrel or wine bottle…so for now I intend to continue to wallow in my self pity, in my warm and heavy darkness, I am not interested in leaving my pity party until I am good and ready, I don’t need therapy, I don’t need any well meaning anyone trying to draw me out…I am well equipped to handle my “episodes” all on my own, sort myself out and put my fake ass smile on when I am good and ready…and for anyone familiar with RBF, well a big part of that is being all up in my self and in my feelings. I don’t set out to have a distant, fuck off, fuck you look, but there you go, and there it is and there I am or here I am. THIS is/was my therapy, putting words to my feelings, to my thoughts…and with that this is it for now…making a vow to myself to get back to finding my voice…even if it is just in written form…much preferable to actually using that voice IRL.

TTFN

Triggers…make you go pow, pow

When does no mean yes? How much push should you push when you push back?

Anywho, had a pleasant day with my little one, she continues to astound me with her intelligence, her insight, her sense of humor…just everything about her I love…except the whining….I don’t like that.

Spoke to all three of my boys, collectively as well as individually…except my number 3…it was short and sweet there…my heart hurts, my head hurts…like my brain hurts….so much said, so much not said…demons…we all have them…we can’t all slay them on our own…I wish I could slay others demons…sigh…I am all random here, so much going on in my head…I don’t expect anything up above to make sense to anyone…if I was having an actual conversation with anyone it really would sound like what is in print….best to keep shit to myself…hmm…should just go grab some ice cold water and read myself to sleep…night….good thing about tomorrows…a chance to have a fresh start or screw shit up…

Much ado about nada…

Fingers crossed lest I speaketh to soon…spent all night on high alert…thankfully the only thing with any flash bang and pop was the night sky. The night sky was lit up with an amazing light show….it rained and rained and that made me happy…I did go out and got partially drenched…it felt good but my hair doesn’t agree…oh well…it is Friday and I am going to go straight home for a nap so I can be energized for my little princess…might have to figure out something for us to do or go somewhere…we shall see…if not activities will be on todays agenda…I will stay away from yard work even though the temptation is strong and the desire even stronger…..must slap hands…and why do some women have to be so utterly stupid…I see a cow smoking up a storm….said cow is in her third trimester…I currently have no compassion for said cow. well almost time for me to get things wrapped up and end my shift…45 minutes or so and I can get out of here…yay.

When you hurt…you know..

Or at least I do, I know I am alive, I know I am stupid, I know I have limitations, I know I exceeded the limitations, I know I can still do stupid stuff and more importantly I just know I Cantu (can too).

I decided to do some yard work, which I wholeheartedly enjoy…unfortunately my back is not so fond of my lack of better judgement…I’ll start feeling the tightness, the messages sent to my brain, but something in me refuses to quit…I keep pushing and pushing…and here we are days later and still hurting (a lot) but also I am waiting for the pain to ease up so I can get back to it…yes, I could easily engage in getting help…but that would be depriving myself of such a simple joy…minus the fucking calluses. Those I don’t like, but I have manly rough hands, nothing sissy about my hands…nothing sissy about me at all…

And on to other things…my brain has been foggier, more so than what has become the norm….could be the drugs, could be the lack of activity (mental) I have been having a hard time getting into finishing a book I just started…granted when I am in pain I just cannot concentrate…so I pick the book up and keep reading the same 2-3 pages and putting it back down…I know, this too shall pass…like a kidney stone or stuck compacted turd.

And another thing I really do think I should get back to writing, like seriously my brain needs the self stimulation that only I can provide for it.

And that’s all I have for now.

 

Como dice el dicho….y otras mamadas…

Son muchos los dichos que se pueden aplicar en mi situacion presente..

Mejor sola que mal acompañada…

El que calla otorga…que por seguro no lo vuelvo a repitir…puede que no hable pero no piense otorgar ningun abuso mas

La privacidad no es algo a lo que tengo derecho, es un prerrequisito absoluto….se ha violado la confianza…puede que nunca se recupere…no voy a defenderme por tu intromisión, si viste algo que no estaba destinado para ti, demasiado mal, nada de lo que puedas decir reparará el daño, puedo perdonar pero no olvidar…
Y sí, esto es para ti, demasiado mentalmente agotada para verbalizar este discurso
Esto no significa que quiero que la amistad/relación termine, pero si cambia la dinámica…
asshole

 

Overwhelmed…

So just last week I was all excited because I made the adult decision to refinance my house…over the phone and fresh off an overnight shift. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am quite capable in many aspects of my life, but I can get overwhelmed with certain things, I had been putting off the paperwork and decided to tackle it this morning, 5 pages in and my anxiety shot up like a motherfucker. I just can’t. So now I need to send an email to whoever was to be holding my hand virtually through this process and say never mind and please don’t contact me because I will have a heart attack. I don’t understand why this happens, same with my retirement account…you’d think I’d be open to taking care of this shit but I can’t. I’d rather be shot between the eyes and avoid the anxiety.

I’m working through this by writing about it. I know I have a non refundable fee to pay for initializing this process….and I’m okay with that…just make it all go away. so I remain stuck and frustrated and pissed off at myself and actually I am now in tears because my anxiety is just going up….why does adulting have to suck? I shoulda been born a princess and not have to worry about this shit.

I am retreating, I just can’t, writing is not helping, well, it did help some but I’m giving myself an ulcer. Wah

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid….

03.Top-Therapies-for-Anxiety-Disorders

Morning Perspicacity and Ruminations…

It took a head scratching while for the perspicacity I once was well-known for to figure out what happened to my shows on HULU…apparently it is a contract situation, in hindsight I should have taken heed when I saw the “expiring” yellow lines….I was left with several episodes yet to air for one show and another just started this Tuesday on the network that I saw part of the pilot episode that looked intriguing …oh well…I suppose if I get the urge to see what I am visually missing I could hunt down the episodes on other platforms….but that is unlikely….very likely I will go for the written word on a blog that recaps the more popular telenovelas in a witty, biting, often times sarcastic and hilarious way…

Depressive ruminations are the bane of my existence…if I stay focused on mindless crap, like cheesy telenovelas…then I can remove or bypass the issues at hand that wear me out….and no I am not clinically depressed…just the thought that I have not resolved anything bites.

I am still digging my vow of silence, not that it has been 100% quiet….because it hasn’t….it has been somewhat productive, thought I must say my yard does look like a disgruntled dude named Jose from Jesus’ lawn service has massacred my lawn.

 

Time to get moving before I doze off….ain’t got time for that nonsense right now…

Time to refocus….

…and disengage….and re-engage in other areas…today was somewhat productive, got laundry done (some, not all, as laundry is one of those damn pesky never-ending, never done, has to get done pesky chores…) and done is not quite accurate as putting stuff away is part of the done process….so half assed done…hey it’s better than nothing….went grocery shopping, forgot milk, damn it.

Read for a while, watched TV for a bit, hung out with the kidlets, left them alone then they came to my room to hang out some more. Gotta love ’em, just wish my oldest was close by.

Sat down with my bucket of ice cream, box of cones and pigged out….but I balanced it out with yard work and a salad.

My back is not happy with me, but it’s not like I can afford a landscaping crew….and nobody around here feels any responsibility in maintaining a clean yard….ohoh…here comes the bitchventscreamcrap….

WAH….I am so fucking tired….tired of taking care of EVERY FUCKING THING. Well not done taking care of shit, more like worrying about it…I have some areas needing MAJOR REPAIRS. Like a board that is holding the electrical wires that is somewhat detached from the house, it is barely hanging on….I’d hate to see it give….I’ve paid for a half assed repair, that didn’t last…yeah kinda got screwed on that one….I need to focus on getting the funds together for that….so major cutting back on…hmmm…not sure what….yeah no more indulging in ice cream….or going out, so yeah, work and home and that is it.

Well I’m off to focus on other schtuff….

I feel better now that I got to whine a bit….thank you internets, I wuv ewe….

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