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Posts Tagged ‘ramblings’

Son muchos los dichos que se pueden aplicar en mi situacion presente..

Mejor sola que mal acompañada…

El que calla otorga…que por seguro no lo vuelvo a repitir…puede que no hable pero no piense otorgar ningun abuso mas

La privacidad no es algo a lo que tengo derecho, es un prerrequisito absoluto….se ha violado la confianza…puede que nunca se recupere…no voy a defenderme por tu intromisión, si viste algo que no estaba destinado para ti, demasiado mal, nada de lo que puedas decir reparará el daño, puedo perdonar pero no olvidar…
Y sí, esto es para ti, demasiado mentalmente agotada para verbalizar este discurso
Esto no significa que quiero que la amistad/relación termine, pero si cambia la dinámica…
asshole

 

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So just last week I was all excited because I made the adult decision to refinance my house…over the phone and fresh off an overnight shift. Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid.

I am quite capable in many aspects of my life, but I can get overwhelmed with certain things, I had been putting off the paperwork and decided to tackle it this morning, 5 pages in and my anxiety shot up like a motherfucker. I just can’t. So now I need to send an email to whoever was to be holding my hand virtually through this process and say never mind and please don’t contact me because I will have a heart attack. I don’t understand why this happens, same with my retirement account…you’d think I’d be open to taking care of this shit but I can’t. I’d rather be shot between the eyes and avoid the anxiety.

I’m working through this by writing about it. I know I have a non refundable fee to pay for initializing this process….and I’m okay with that…just make it all go away. so I remain stuck and frustrated and pissed off at myself and actually I am now in tears because my anxiety is just going up….why does adulting have to suck? I shoulda been born a princess and not have to worry about this shit.

I am retreating, I just can’t, writing is not helping, well, it did help some but I’m giving myself an ulcer. Wah

Stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid, stupid….

03.Top-Therapies-for-Anxiety-Disorders

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It took a head scratching while for the perspicacity I once was well-known for to figure out what happened to my shows on HULU…apparently it is a contract situation, in hindsight I should have taken heed when I saw the “expiring” yellow lines….I was left with several episodes yet to air for one show and another just started this Tuesday on the network that I saw part of the pilot episode that looked intriguing …oh well…I suppose if I get the urge to see what I am visually missing I could hunt down the episodes on other platforms….but that is unlikely….very likely I will go for the written word on a blog that recaps the more popular telenovelas in a witty, biting, often times sarcastic and hilarious way…

Depressive ruminations are the bane of my existence…if I stay focused on mindless crap, like cheesy telenovelas…then I can remove or bypass the issues at hand that wear me out….and no I am not clinically depressed…just the thought that I have not resolved anything bites.

I am still digging my vow of silence, not that it has been 100% quiet….because it hasn’t….it has been somewhat productive, thought I must say my yard does look like a disgruntled dude named Jose from Jesus’ lawn service has massacred my lawn.

 

Time to get moving before I doze off….ain’t got time for that nonsense right now…

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…and disengage….and re-engage in other areas…today was somewhat productive, got laundry done (some, not all, as laundry is one of those damn pesky never-ending, never done, has to get done pesky chores…) and done is not quite accurate as putting stuff away is part of the done process….so half assed done…hey it’s better than nothing….went grocery shopping, forgot milk, damn it.

Read for a while, watched TV for a bit, hung out with the kidlets, left them alone then they came to my room to hang out some more. Gotta love ’em, just wish my oldest was close by.

Sat down with my bucket of ice cream, box of cones and pigged out….but I balanced it out with yard work and a salad.

My back is not happy with me, but it’s not like I can afford a landscaping crew….and nobody around here feels any responsibility in maintaining a clean yard….ohoh…here comes the bitchventscreamcrap….

WAH….I am so fucking tired….tired of taking care of EVERY FUCKING THING. Well not done taking care of shit, more like worrying about it…I have some areas needing MAJOR REPAIRS. Like a board that is holding the electrical wires that is somewhat detached from the house, it is barely hanging on….I’d hate to see it give….I’ve paid for a half assed repair, that didn’t last…yeah kinda got screwed on that one….I need to focus on getting the funds together for that….so major cutting back on…hmmm…not sure what….yeah no more indulging in ice cream….or going out, so yeah, work and home and that is it.

Well I’m off to focus on other schtuff….

I feel better now that I got to whine a bit….thank you internets, I wuv ewe….

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A restful night~

Yesterday I struggled throughout the day to either fight sleep or try for a nap, I was more succesful at fighting sleep as the napping didn’t happen. The boys and I watched some TV, laughing over the craziness that was the 80’s and 90’s and I watched an older (2004) Hillary Duff (pre-Chiclets I think) movie,”Raise your Voice”.

I cooked some chicken stir fry and put that on a bed of rice and had some water and called that dinner…the boys love all the veggies, note to self…add veggies to the grocery list. Today’s menu includes steak and mashed potatoes and gravy for boy # 1. He requested all his favorites and today he will get to enjoy them….I may even through a cake in for good measure.

Yesterday boy # 3 and I finally got the laundry room done….it wasn’t as bad as it looked. I have a few items to put together for my freecycling friend and then I can call her to pick them up. I am slowly making progress…yay me. But of course I am paying for it too…I am beginning to feel soreness and pain and I had to increase my intake of pain meds so I am regretfully scaling back on my activities. I don’t want to cause myself a setback….

Well I am done with my cup of coffee and I am wrapping this up, I’ll hit the shower and get myself situated with my heating pad and TV…have a great day my friends.

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2 old 2 play~

Have you ever done something for someone that totally goes against your beliefs? If you are like me I’m sure you have…I think we all have…I have and I don’t know that I can continue to do so….it is not just a betrayal to the person you are doing it for but a betrayal to the person you are….I’m rambling here…my meds have not kicked in.

Anyhoo I’m off to bed….if I’m awake for a countdown then so be it…if not then so be it too. Truth be told it is just another day for me…unless I look at the big picture…but I’m not up for that at this particular point. I see things that are for me yet not given to me…I am too old and tired for that nonsense.

I’m off to deal with this anxiety under the cover of darkness. Night.

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Imma gonna lay off the garlic today...

Imma gonna lay off the garlic today...

Happy Friday and I hope this early morning shot at my ASSets doesn’t make you throw up in your mouth too much, but if it is too late for that…SORRY….

I’ve been up since like forever, da pain, da fucking pain is keeping me awake. I just popped another pill, note to self, call pharmacy for a refill. I am tired and a bit unhinged, I woke up, well no I didn’t, I was awake, I got up and out of bed, and was looking in the mirror and scared myself. I need a haircut…yeah I know I just cut it a couple of times…I didn’t cut enough…one of my boys just came in to hug me good bye as he left for school, and no it wasn’t Andrew, it was Derrick…he thinks he is getting too old to show affection, so it is always nice when he comes up to hug me.

On da agenda today if I have the energy to muster it will be to dust everything I can reach….which will look funny when you can see how dusty everything else will look.

Oh the chili I made yesterday was all gone….yay. I made a big enough pot of it so it was good to see it all gone. Today on the menu?? Pizza…I guess…I don’t know, sounds good, besides I have cooked all week.

Well I think enough morning ramblings, my bed should be plenty heated by my heating pad, maybe that will help my back.

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