And again…it has been a while…

I’ve missed writing, I miss my writing mojo, I miss so very much, now let me count the ways…the what, and what nots or just ramble…later this AM I am embarking on a road trip…I have not recovered from the last road trip…I miss my BOUNCE….before I could go road tripping, walk around all over the place, go back to my room, get a shower, get a few hours of sleep and do it again and again until the weekend ended…now…not so much…the pain is unbearable, the exhaustion from trying to function, to be human, to be kind, to be everything I was easily before…it sucks, sucks big fat purple monkey balls. I hate this existence…it has caused me to reevaluate a major dream I had…I feel robbed of my independence….I have always prided myself in doing for myself, tackling anything that came my way…I have never liked asking for any help, not from my kids, not from family or friends…now, not to sound ungrateful or anything…I am quite grateful and very appreciative for any and all help I have received or continue to receive…but that doesn’t take away from my feelings….and boy do I have some strong ass feelings of uselessness… I do still maintain my home and maintain an existence that seems not too bad…and others have it much worse, and blah, blah, blah…but I am not here to ramble on about anyone else, this, THIS is about me…and right now I don’t like me, I don’t like the sinking darkness that envelops me, I feel a heavy cloak of darkness, exhaustion…sofa king tired…I just don’t want this, and here I am to vent, bitch and whine…not to be confused with wine…that’ll be later…after all a good coping mechanism can be found at the bottom of a barrel or wine bottle…so for now I intend to continue to wallow in my self pity, in my warm and heavy darkness, I am not interested in leaving my pity party until I am good and ready, I don’t need therapy, I don’t need any well meaning anyone trying to draw me out…I am well equipped to handle my “episodes” all on my own, sort myself out and put my fake ass smile on when I am good and ready…and for anyone familiar with RBF, well a big part of that is being all up in my self and in my feelings. I don’t set out to have a distant, fuck off, fuck you look, but there you go, and there it is and there I am or here I am. THIS is/was my therapy, putting words to my feelings, to my thoughts…and with that this is it for now…making a vow to myself to get back to finding my voice…even if it is just in written form…much preferable to actually using that voice IRL.

TTFN

When you hurt…you know..

Or at least I do, I know I am alive, I know I am stupid, I know I have limitations, I know I exceeded the limitations, I know I can still do stupid stuff and more importantly I just know I Cantu (can too).

I decided to do some yard work, which I wholeheartedly enjoy…unfortunately my back is not so fond of my lack of better judgement…I’ll start feeling the tightness, the messages sent to my brain, but something in me refuses to quit…I keep pushing and pushing…and here we are days later and still hurting (a lot) but also I am waiting for the pain to ease up so I can get back to it…yes, I could easily engage in getting help…but that would be depriving myself of such a simple joy…minus the fucking calluses. Those I don’t like, but I have manly rough hands, nothing sissy about my hands…nothing sissy about me at all…

And on to other things…my brain has been foggier, more so than what has become the norm….could be the drugs, could be the lack of activity (mental) I have been having a hard time getting into finishing a book I just started…granted when I am in pain I just cannot concentrate…so I pick the book up and keep reading the same 2-3 pages and putting it back down…I know, this too shall pass…like a kidney stone or stuck compacted turd.

And another thing I really do think I should get back to writing, like seriously my brain needs the self stimulation that only I can provide for it.

And that’s all I have for now.

 

Drip dried~

I have a new debate with myself to ponder, to go or not to go, to stay or not to stay…on the one hand I was looking forward to it, and on the other hand, I have four fingers and a thumb. It is very disconcerting for me to one day be so happy and full of energy and watch it evaporate as if nothing. I’ve tried convincing myself to paste on a smile and put my face on in hopes that that will make everything better. It doesn’t work that way, the day ends up being a waste of makeup. My days are filled with nothing but recovering on my mind, tomorrow, rather today as it is now officially Wednesday, so good morning if you are up and reading this…whoever you are…where was I? Oh yeah today yesterdays lunch is supposed to happen, but now I’m thinking I need to cancel/reschedule, but then the other part of me thinks I should just go and get it over with. I know it would do me good to get out, but at the same time, I will get back and be done for the rest of the week…so I’m not sure which direction I should go in.

I do have to make the effort to settle some billing questions I have, I received a new bill and I’m thinking I’ve already paid it, so today I spent a couple of hours going through countless PDF files and printing the ones I didn’t have copies of. After doing that I wasn’t coherent enough to try and figure out if I had paid it or not. Part of me is thinking I should just suck it up and pay it, it is only $30.00 + but then another part of me thinks I need to make sure I am not double paying it. That is money that could feed my kids at school.

Then there is the issue with my insurance and my doctors office and paperwork that isn’t being completed resulting in me not getting any disability checks until it is resolved. I have until the 6th at which point they would close the file and then I’m not sure what my next step is. It is mentally exhausting and a bit stressful. Not having funds coming in to pay the mortgage and utilities is not something I really want to have to be dealing with right now. But I can only survive with my head in the sand for so long. Yes, sometimes being Ms Independent sucks ass. But that is life, or at least that is my life. Life sometimes does suck big hairy monkey balls and ass.

Okay so there was my pity party and I thank you (whoever has bothered to read this far) for attending. I promise to make the next pity party a bit more fun and formal, with actual hand delivered or snail mailed invites printed on textured card stock and folded just so and enclosed in those cotton envelopes I have in my pantry. It will be a BYOB (bring your own Bitch, Bottle, Beer, Bong, Bat, Ball) or whatever item that starts with the letter B….

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