I took off for the weekend to one of my favorite places to spend time with some of my favorite people and while it was a nice visit I am still paying for it…I left right after work, made pretty good time, arrived at my destination, unloaded my car and then took off to check out a thrift store a few miles down the road, I piddled around and returned….after a while I made it out again to join my brother in picking up a few provisions for the weekend. We did the usual, visit, share laughter and then made it to bed….then HOLY FUCK…I woke up in so much pain, when I did make it downstairs it was quite apparent to the family as to how bad it was…I wanted to come back home, I didn’t want them to see me like that…I simply did not have the strength to get back home. Saturday I didn’t even step out the door…much of it is a blur due to the energy I expended in trying to function…I am still expending that energy to get by. I hate it. FML doesn’t even cover it. This week is closer to the weekend, yay….my weekend will be more recovery…I think of my friends who have it so much worse and can’t even get out of bed…I don’t want to be the whiney, bitchy old bitter lady I am becoming…there is a way out with dignity, the time will come to explore those options. Pity party over.
My time in this place I have called home for the last 17+ years is coming up….I feel like I’m done here, I have a strong desire to just be gone…I have until the end of next year. I want my youngest to not have the trauma of being uprooted his last year. But I have found it difficult to shop for a home in another city via the internet…just doing it here locally sucks…photos can be manipulated to give the impression that it is a good neighborhood, street views, interior and exterior shots….sigh….so I have made a decision that has sucked the life out of me and sent me into a depressive state. I’ve decided to stay. I have things to consider like logistics and expenses….due to my physical limitations I can’t have certain things…stairs, big yards…which I don’t need. I just need a small space. I am already slowly packing stuff up…taking pictures off the wall. Packing up dishes and thinking of just giving everything away….I hate moving, I hate asking people to help…even if those people are my own kids. I hate not having the physical strength to do it on my own. I don’t need a lot of the things I have accumulated over the years….my biggest collections that mean anything are my books and clothes….and of course all the photos of the kids and a few keepsakes….but that is still a lot of crap. I’ve been dismantling my library….giving books away as soon as I am done….I’ll be using towels to keep breakables from breaking….my son is bringing me boxes so I can start….small boxes that I can manage…by the end I’ll probably have 20,000+ boxes….but they’ll be manageable….but I’ll be trying to sell 2 dining tables, sofa, loveseat, bookcases….and I’m sure a ton of other crap. This next chapter of my life will be just me….there have been some relationships with family that will never be recovered and while sad I also realize that I’m better off without the negativity…I have my own negativity to deal with…don’t need anyone else’s…wah…I’m off to have me a pity party….
Things like being a single mom. I love my boys, I will do just about anything (within reason) for them. But it is hard and getting harder….to keep them well fed. Having no job and dwindling financials is getting to me. The last couple of days my armor has cracked. I’m not looking for sympathy…I’m simply having a pity party. And I’m sharing it with you.
School will start in a few weeks and I’ll be having to get school supplies, shoes, clothes, though knowing my boys they won’t ask for or demand much. I love that about them, that they can see and understand the situation and not have a temper tantrum like other kids who just expect their parents to go broke financing a new wardrobe.
I’m drained, mentally…I’m not seeing a way out of this. I’ve taken my “Happy Pills” and pain pills and sleeping pills…hopefully one of them kicks in and does what it is intended to do. Or if I’m lucky they will all kick in and then I can go to sleep happy and pain free….I can dream…well no I can’t because dreaming requires sleep. Sheesh…what a bitching catch 22.
Pain ~ sucks big hairy monkey/donkey balls
Tears ~ cry me a fucking river…I’ve done my part…enough for a dolphin to be happy
Fears ~ Trick or treat….
Life ~ sucks
Doctors ~ are assholes
Drugs ~ stuck in my gullet…seems like it anyway
Pity Party…I was there, I am here, where were you?
I have a new debate with myself to ponder, to go or not to go, to stay or not to stay…on the one hand I was looking forward to it, and on the other hand, I have four fingers and a thumb. It is very disconcerting for me to one day be so happy and full of energy and watch it evaporate as if nothing. I’ve tried convincing myself to paste on a smile and put my face on in hopes that that will make everything better. It doesn’t work that way, the day ends up being a waste of makeup. My days are filled with nothing but recovering on my mind, tomorrow, rather today as it is now officially Wednesday, so good morning if you are up and reading this…whoever you are…where was I? Oh yeah today yesterdays lunch is supposed to happen, but now I’m thinking I need to cancel/reschedule, but then the other part of me thinks I should just go and get it over with. I know it would do me good to get out, but at the same time, I will get back and be done for the rest of the week…so I’m not sure which direction I should go in.
I do have to make the effort to settle some billing questions I have, I received a new bill and I’m thinking I’ve already paid it, so today I spent a couple of hours going through countless PDF files and printing the ones I didn’t have copies of. After doing that I wasn’t coherent enough to try and figure out if I had paid it or not. Part of me is thinking I should just suck it up and pay it, it is only $30.00 + but then another part of me thinks I need to make sure I am not double paying it. That is money that could feed my kids at school.
Then there is the issue with my insurance and my doctors office and paperwork that isn’t being completed resulting in me not getting any disability checks until it is resolved. I have until the 6th at which point they would close the file and then I’m not sure what my next step is. It is mentally exhausting and a bit stressful. Not having funds coming in to pay the mortgage and utilities is not something I really want to have to be dealing with right now. But I can only survive with my head in the sand for so long. Yes, sometimes being Ms Independent sucks ass. But that is life, or at least that is my life. Life sometimes does suck big hairy monkey balls and ass.
Okay so there was my pity party and I thank you (whoever has bothered to read this far) for attending. I promise to make the next pity party a bit more fun and formal, with actual hand delivered or snail mailed invites printed on textured card stock and folded just so and enclosed in those cotton envelopes I have in my pantry. It will be a BYOB (bring your own Bitch, Bottle, Beer, Bong, Bat, Ball) or whatever item that starts with the letter B….