Posts Tagged ‘panic attack’

Dealing with a health scare for one of my boys, having no insurance and enough stress to go around for a long time….what to do?? Well for starters I know I need to reign the panic in, getting worked up is not going to solve anything. Research and a strong shot of something to soothe me is a good option. Today I am turning my phone off and crawling into my own private hell hole so that I can deal with this situation. I just don’t have it in me today…sometimes it is easier to crawl under a rock…or the covers, stick my head in the sand and take plenty of deep breaths. If I had a hill of chocolate I’d climb it and eat my way off it. Times like these I wish I had someone to share things with, but another realization I had last night is that I will no longer be as open as I was, it may sound hypocritical as I blog about this, that or the other….but I have control over the information I decimate. Meaning I can pick and choose who I share with and how much I share….and as much as I put out, there is much more I keep to myself and ultimately I am more comfortable keeping things in. So if I don’t share the details here then I probably won’t elsewhere…it just is.

Life calls…..and so does my bed….wish the chocolate fairy knew the way to my house.


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Today was not a good day…today was a bitch.

I wasn’t feeling too good and decided to try for a nap, the cool breeze coming in through the open windows would be perfect for a little shut-eye. I got my heating pad cranked up, got myself situated and read for a bit before my eyes decided they were ready to cede the battle. I put my book down, put my pillow over my face, pulled the covers over me, extended my right arm out and turned my bedside fan on and dozed off.

Sharp, intense throbbing pain radiating from my lower back and shooting down my legs soon won the battle over any possible sleep. I glanced at the clock and saw that the boys would be home shortly, I figured I’d get up and head to the freezer and open the door for inspiration. Alas that was not to be. I was unable to get out of bed.

I felt a panic coming on, I started doing a breathing exercise that I normally find can help me before I go into a full-blown panic attack, my anxiety level soon sky rocketed, my one thought was to call ONE person. But I wasn’t in a position to call anyone, I don’t keep a phone by my bed. I kept up with the breathing, I didn’t want to go into a major anxiety/panic attack. The breathing helped I was able to calm myself down before Boy # 2 got home, I heard him coming in, he looked for me in the living room, then made his way into my bedroom (good thing I hadn’t locked myself in) I told him I needed to get up. He asked me what he needed to do to help me up…but I didn’t know. I couldn’t send the signals from my brain to my body to make it happen, worse than that I couldn’t communicate to him what I needed. Boy # 3 got home and they were both in the room with me now trying to help me up. But I knew if I didn’t do it the right way the pain would be unbearable. I remember hearing myself tell them to go lay down and figure out what I needed to do to get up. Now that my brain is a bit more coherent I know that they probably went into their room got in bed and got right back up….as if nothing. Understandable. They don’t have to process every little step like I do. And it sucks. It isn’t a 1, 2 or even 3 step process. It is a million little steps…or it feels like it. Laying there trying to process what I need to do or how I need to instruct them…I lost it, I broke down, put the pillow over my face and cried, even now I am crying. I hate that they have to go through this with me. I hate that they were scared enough to want to call 911. I needed to go to the bathroom, Boy # 3 tells me to just go on the bed. I can’t fathom what I would have done if I had lost total control. I hate that I don’t have anyone to call when this happens. And no 911 doesn’t work for me. I can just hear me calling to help me out of bed.

Anywho…I am calmer right now. I have my walker handy…I should consider trying to draw stick figures with step by step instructions so next time they will know what they need to do.


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Please don’t ask me how I am doing if you don’t really care to know.Let’s just stick to I’m great, works for me, should work for you.

I am really tired, that makes me a tad cranky…I tried going to bed early…then the panic set in.

I am hungry, todays menu was bacon, eggs and a couple of tortillas for breakfast….for lunch I digged into my ice cream…then for dinner a salad and an apple….very well balanced.

Our tree (branch) is up. It looks pretty in its sad little corner, but that is the best I can do. Pics coming soon.

I am wonderful

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puke, puke

I’ve been working on trying to improve my disposition…I’ll never be Miss Happiness & Sunshine, nor would I ever aspire to be that annoyingly perky, puke, puke…..instead I want to put my focus on getting better and getting on with life. I’ve dwelled long enough on situations that are never going to improve beyond where they are now, and that is okay, my choices are simply to move on as I have done in the past, life goes on, doors open, doors close. The wounds heals, slowly but eventually…I’ll hope the same for my old crippled and much hacked on back.


Ever felt this way?

Panic attacks are still bothersome and I may have to discuss with my physician and find a way to deal with them, I continue to look for a cause as to why they occur, I’m not close to any answers yet…maybe I need a dog.

I’m feeling quite accomplished, my emails have finally given me results, I’m now back to having my insurance reinstated, I can now go back to the pharmacy and pick up boy #2’s inhaler.

I’ve got a couple of projects in mind that I’d like to attempt, I just need to go to the store and pick up a few supplies….and hope that what I envision in my head can be applied to the items I have in mind…if I can do what I picture in my head I will share via some photos, if not, we will forget I ever imagined I could pretend to be artistically capable.


I want to make pretties....

It is now almost 4 am, I’m debating if I should just stay up a couple of hours and get the boys up, then try to sleep…this anxiety does not seem to be going away….

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DSM-IV Diagnostic Criteria for Panic Attack


ever felt this way before?


A discreet period of intense fear or discomfort, in which four (or more) of the following symptoms developed abruptly and reached a peak within 10 minutes:

  • Trembling or shaking
  • Sweating 
  • Palpitations, pounding heart, or accelerated heart rate
  • Sensations of shortness of breath or smothering
  • Feeling of choking
  • Chest pain or discomfort
  • Nausea or abdominal distress
  • Feeling dizzy, unsteady, lightheaded, or faint
  • Derealization (feelings of unreality) or depersonalization (being detached from oneself)
  • Fear of losing control or going crazy
  • Fear of dying
  • Paresthesias (numbness or tingling sensations)
  • Chills or hot flashes
  • I’m definitely feeling more than 4 of the above symptoms…I decided to call it a night, shortly after removing all my garments and getting myself situated under my covers, turning my bedside lamp off, turning my fan on laying my head on my pillow…it started. It isn’t my first Panic Attack, but this was one of the worst ones I’ve had in a long time. My heart is still not settled. Perhaps it never will, it isn’t a good feeling. These are the times I wish I had someone to hold me and reassure me, that ship has sailed and I am on my own…well that’s not entirely true, I have you, so thank you for being here for me, while I spill out my vulnerabilities.

    So anyhoo I’m back to being propped up with my pillows, hearing noices…such as vehicles up and down the street, listening to my playlist, thoughts interrupting my train of thought and the flow of the words as they come out of my head and unto the screen, it is a weird process watching the letters appear as I tap away, a millions thoughts coming through, such as the need to do laundry and should I just go ahead and start now, it takes me at least 5 trips back and forth from my hamper to the laundry room, I can’t carry an entire load and I have to break it down into small piles…or should I work on my grocery list…or should I just hand my credit card to my boys and let them get whatever they think we need. My list doesn’t change much…I may try that…

    I need to also work on getting some of the papers off my desk, I have a small rolling hanging folder filing thingie in my closet…I need to pull that out and organize my papers and have that next to my desk…ready for when (and if) the idiots call me.

    So much that I could be doing, and I get to think about how I could get all that done quicker than I can tap it out on my keyboard if I was able-bodied and not in this current condition.

    Earlier something totally creeped me out, and I can’t explain, I am not a prayerful person, but some thoughts about that have been looming…I may need more help than I can offer myself….

    I talked to one of my aunts earlier it was brief, but I mentioned something to her about an offer made to me, she wisely agreed with me…do not accept such offer, the price later on will be too high…..some things just aren’t free, nothing much is….better to do/go without than have to worry about strings.

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