this little light of mine…i’m gonna make it shine

More like this pain of mine…

This pain of mine is destroying my sanity…it isolates me, what is the essence of me…the “thing” I absolutely need  most to exist…to keep on existing…the “me” ness of me…I think it has taken my life force, my vitality and it sucked it out me. The core of my life, this pain just takes it all to feed off itself…it works on my hurts and weaknesses, my body as a whole just doesn’t exist as one, it’s divided into pieces…one piece feels alright, another piece feels foreign to me…and my brain just needs to shut down…so best to call it a night…maybe the outlook tomorrow will be brighter….this is not part of my pity party…this just is what it is….me rambling about nada…

What’s in a name?

That gnawing disquiet that I can’t put a name to, that gets me out of sorts because I can’t identify the sensations and resent having the feeling that I need to name my emotions. There’s a sadness and a loneliness and it frightens me, because I am never more alone than when I ponder that I have no one to share these thoughts and feelings with. I know the shape, the smell and the feel of my aloneness in my world. As I lay in bed with my pain wracked body my mind just wanders….not to thoughts of having someone to share because there isn’t, never has been and never will be. There just isn’t anyone out there built sturdily for the task. I despise weakness in men as much as I despise weakness in myself.

I caught myself as I was dozing off again…been fighting this sleep. Just not ready to close my eyes and call it a night. Of course my body overrules my mind. For a brief moment I saw myself in a distant yet very recognizable place..I was enjoying a routine of coffee, newspapers and something else that of late has been foreign to me…company….and laughter, not loud and hearty, but familiar. The chatter of loved ones around…a great way to start the day. But anywho…back to reality as pain engulfs me and has me in its grip.

I didn’t take long to unscrew the blue cap off my water bottle, the white cap off the brown bottle, I took two pills out and placed them in my mouth followed by a big swig of water to choke them down. I hope relief is quick…with so much to do I don’t want to luxuriate in the throes of this mind numbing pain…I’m so tired of it…and getting even more exhausted, mentally…that’s currently my biggest drain….ready to pull the plug…. 

I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s what you don’t say that’s important~

I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s what you don’t say that’s important.Specifically, it’s been my experience that any sentence ending with, “I don’t really know or care” seems to strike a chord.

Anyway, I used to be in the habit of ending sentences with “I don’t really care” It seemed like a good idea… at the time… to strike a precautionary blow against whatever nasty things people might be thinking about me. This seems to happen quite a lot….

All this does is get me into trouble. I realize that I am not so much nipping those ridiculous thoughts in the bud, as I am planting them in peoples’ heads. Silly me, for thinking that everyone else is just naturally as twisted as I am.

So now I’ve resorted to another plan. I don’t want to bring up any specifics in these situations, but I still want to put people on the defensive… just in case they’ve come up with some other (and probably sicker) idea of the type of thing I’d be doing when I’m not sleeping, watching TV, in pain, or eating butter pecan ice cream. So now, I should answer every question I get with an angry:

“What the hell do you mean by that?”

Sure, it might make ordering at a restaurant a bit tricky. Or it might even alarm the kids somewhat….

No, it’s not a perfect system. But it’s better. Maybe someday I’ll graduate to ‘Are you talking to me?’, or the simple-yet-effective menacing, ‘Whaaaat?!’

Meanwhile, I’m doing the best I can. And it seems to be working… people ask me way less questions than they used to. Which is all I ever really wanted. Isn’t it everybody’s goal to just be left the hell alone sometimes?


fuckity, fuck, fuck

Today has been a day of many ponderings…actually yesterday as I am now at Tuesday with Monday long gone…

I had a bothersome morning paying bills, there was a substantial increase to my medical insurance, I have my vehicle registration due soon, I received another notice from my doctor’s office concerning the unpaid balance…I had to settle a dispute with my wheelchair vendor…I gave it up, so it will be picked up, glad I didn’t get rid of the older wheelchair. My back has been killing me…yes, it was self-induced and well deserved…FML. Sunday was not a good day, I overdosed on pain meds to the point where I was throwing up, but lets not be all negative and offend anyone with my negativity…some good came of that, Boy # 2 finished cooking…and did a great job. I’m looking to strike a balancing chord on my blog, temper the negatives and the positives…so if I start whining too much, please somebody reel me in…

Or not…this is after all my blog, my little place in the world where I should feel safe bitching, moaning and whining…I should be able to say anything and if anyone finds that it offends them, or bores them or finds my pity party too depressing they have a choice…there is a red X in the right upper hand corner that will make this page go away….

I think the meds are talking more than I am…hmmmm…what’s good about that…oh yeah…the pain is not as intense…wooodafuckhoo…

I am incredibly snarky and jaded.

I need to try for bed…where I can lie on my heating pad and burn my back some more…what’s good about that…hmmm…can’t feel a damn fucking thing…woohoo see something good about nerve damage…yay…FML

Well I am off to try to read myself to sleep…key word TRY.



Antsy part 2~

So I am in bed, tossing, turning, wishing desperately for sleep, it ain’t happening.

Took another pain pill…my third one I think, maybe forth, I only have  2 left.

We have the AC blasting, radio on, lights on, laptop on…neither of us can sleep.

I wish I was home, in my own bed, with my fans, my pillows, my covers…this is insanity, pain will do that to you…if it isn’t annoying pain, it’s homicidal/suicidal pain…those are my constant 3 pain levels.

pain level ~1

Three seventeen~ The Recap~

Boy # 2 has been needing mom time and when he is needy in that sense he makes for very good company. So anyways he has been on a mission to find some socks….specific socks, and we finally found them and I decided to indulge him and get them for him. So we headed to the mall and we walked side by side…of course he has to make the cracks about feeling like he is walking an old lady across the street…which in a sense he is. I do have to lean on him and hold on to him when I’m walking…but anywho we made it to the store that had them and of course they have no price on them, so I ask the clerk and she tells me they are $15.00….I’m like “that’s a little high I think I’ll just get them online”, it just so happened that the manager was standing by and he was like “I think they might be on sale”….so he pushed a few keys and the new “sale” price came up $10.00…okay…I can live with that….LOL. So I paid for the socks and we left the mall and went over to another store…where once again Boy #2 walked my old crippled ass across the street and helped me into the store where I could grab a shopping cart for support.

Boy # 2 and his elusive retro socks~

So anywho now we are walking around and he stays by my side even though I told him he could go look around as I would be okay as long as I was able to push the shopping cart around. He insisted on following me around and we went up and down a few aisles, I picked up a couple of pick me ups for a couple of fabulous ladies and had one picked out for me but Boy # 2 talked me out of it.

Moved on to the dresses and found three, each under $10.00 and I also found a sweater for 49¢, yes that is correct, and no I wasn’t shopping at a thrift store, you can’t find stuff that cheap at a thrift store….lol. I was expecting it to ring up higher but it rang up at the price listed on the tag….so score for me. We then left and headed home as I was feeling the pain by then and needed to get home where I could medicate myself and prop myself up in my usual corner with all my pillows and heating pad.

By the time we got in Boy # 1 was soon to be getting ready for work and Boy # 3 had been properly entertained by his big brother. My son from another mother dropped in and talked movies with Boy #3….Boy # 3 walked over to the movie place and got a couple of movies…and I took a much-needed nap.

Boy # 1 invited my daughter from another mother over and she brought a couple of movies….I did okay, but in the end I couldn’t hang and finish watching the second movie…..

see I wasn't seeing things~

Oh and I almost forgot to tell you about the leprachaun….as we were leaving the mall I saw a leprachaun step out of a trailer along with his posse, I hap my camera with me and took a picture, then a girl from his posse walks over to us and hands me a free music CD, it seems they were a band on tour and were playing at a local dive bar and were out to promote their evening gig….so she says to me….”if you are 21 you can get in to see us” I was like.”multiply that by 2 sweetie”….anyway I popped in the CD in my CD player but it didn’t work….I gave it to Boy # 1 and he said it worked in his car but he didn’t care for the music….

A California Leprachaun~

….and there you have it….a day in the life of me….

Finally Friday~


Happee Friday~

Not that it matters what day it really is, currently in my world one day just blends into the next and the only reason for me to think about what day of the week it is is because I still have kids in school. I had thought of getting out, I want to try a new recipe but don’t have everything I need…but after a shower and drying my hair and putting my face on I seemed to have used up all my energy. That and my back is not being agreeable with me.

I’m quite medicated presently and I hate/love the feeling of numbness that goes with it. Just waiting for it to kick in and do its thing is enough to wear me out. I worked on my Friday chore list….I used to be so orderly and get the kids involved in helping me clean house after work on Fridays…it was our routine, and just getting started and doing it would be a small battle but it didn’t take us long to zip around and get everything done. It takes cooperation from all of us and I hate that I don’t have the energy to put more of me into getting things done. I really hate that part.

Yesterday I was determined to clear off my desk, dresser and other areas of my bedroom that had seen an overflow of paperwork dealing with insurance and medical bills. I spent too much time on the phone doing battle with the idiots in the billing department but finally I got it done. I had actual success as I managed to get them to correct my account and remove the charges they kept insisting I needed to pay. My insurance had already taken care of the charges and I was not about to pay them again for it.

Over the years I have become better at dealing with insurance and billing and the mountains of paperwork that come through when there are numerous visits to drs, hospitals, clinics and such. The ability to also be able to keep up with it online has been a tremendous ally….there have been occasions where I have overpaid and even paid twice for the same service, but experience has also been on my side when I’ve had to make the calls and request refunds. I’m just glad that I get to keep a bit more in my pocket, it means I can have a bit extra to treat the kids to dinner out or perhaps buy them new clothes.


Quiet Sunday~

Casa de Ruby~

It is quiet at Casa de Ruby….for now anyway. One of the boys is up and about but without his brothers up he also enjoys his quiet time….I am going to go and cook them breakfast, maybe some banana muffins and an omelette…sounds good to me and if I make it for them it’ll sound good to them as well.

Yesterday I felt strong enough to attempt an outing so I went for it, boy # 3 and I left and stopped at Olive Garden and had lunch, we had soup, salad and bread sticks and split the Mixed Grill…and we had leftovers but decided not to carry out a doggy bag. We then headed to the grocery store and slowly made our way up and down the aisles…by the time we left there I started to feel the pain and wasn’t sure if I was going to make it home…but since I had driven myself I had to suck it up. By the time I walked into the house all I could do was ask the boys to bring everything in and put it up, take me a pain pill, fire up my heading pad and seek comfort in my little corner full of pillows. But I was glad to have been able to conquer the driving. Note to self…only go to one place and do not stay out too long. Self ~ “Noted”

Today will be a rest and recover day, I’ve got movies on DVR and another book I started reading a couple of nights ago. There is rain in the forecast for today and tomorrow, that makes me think of nothing but snuggling…I don’t have anyone to snuggle with…dammit…oh well I will substitute snuggling with food. Happy Sunday, make it a funday…

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