They just keep on growing………

 

Well the damn weeds will not pull themselves the fuck out. So I am on my knees, I’m stooped over and I’m killing my already killed back doing what nobody else seems to think they need to do. Yeah sure having a landscaper would be great, but I’m the damn landscaper, not that I’m scaping the land, but I sure as hell am trying to keep it from becoming overgrown with weeds. I’m also stripping paint off of a coffee table so I can repaint it, I don’t yet know what color I’ll be doing it, maybe something bright and unexpected or maybe boring black.

Kicking the Cat~

It has been a while since I’ve truly felt alive, I mean I know I am alive. The constant pain is a good reminder….but living and existing are two different things. I exist. I exist in a world of my own, I’ve got more than four walls, none of them padded…yet. (Yeah that is next, at this rate…probably advisable.)

What I’m getting at is that for the last two years (or possibly longer) my life has been part blur, part drug induced stupor or head in the sand…and yeah head elsewhere…no need for me to draw you a picture. The beginning of 2009 was the start of a nightmare that I can’t seem to wake from. I was happy working, I was even working two jobs, taking care of my family as I raced from one job to the next and still managing to throw dinner together before heading to the second job. I was thriving, enjoying the busy-ness of life. Then IT started, that nagging pain, it only escalated…I ignored it until I could no longer ignore it. Soon I found myself in physical therapy, countless doctor appointments and fear. As a single mother with two boys still at home I was scared of what the future would hold for me. I tried to just tackle things as they came, the writing was on the wall…I knew I would soon be laid off, so if I was going to have surgery there was no time to sit and think on it. I scheduled it the same day it was suggested.

Little did I know that it would take two surgeries to “fix” me…problem is it is now 2011 and I am anything but fixed.

The last few days have been agonizing, painfully so. I know it shows on me. My youngest keeps asking me to smile, he knows I’m hurting, he keeps asking me to smile through the pain, and maybe that will help. If only it was that easy. Boy # 2 is a bit more uncomfortable seeing me in pain, he will help out and make sure I have water, medications, tissue, trash can close to my bed in case I need to hurl. They have been great throughout this whole ordeal…but I feel guilt. I feel like I am robbing them of a normal childhood…there is no extra money to take them out for a bite to eat, trip to the mall, shopping…they are growing, Boy # 3 just shot up a couple of inches in the last month.

I hate that I sound so down…despite all of the pain, the changes we have had to make and try to adjust to, life is good. Yes, it could be better, but it could also be a lot worse. I’m not complaining…even if that is what it sounds like…no I am bitching and moaning…there is a difference.

And I am entitled to bitch and moan all I want, anyone has a problem with it can kiss my old saggy crippled ass…but only if I’m standing…and they can get to it…I’m not making it easy on anyone….and sheesh…I need to change my Pandora radio station….this music is a little too melancholy for me.

Oh and I’m shamelessly taking donations for funds for booze….yes booze. I have drugs, I even have saltine crackers…but booze…well I am running low…very low. And a bitch and moan fest cannot properly be undertaken without booze….so hit the DONATE button and surprise me.

Now I’m off to go kick the cat….wait…I don’t have a cat….

Catching you up ~

Happy Birthday to my Sweetie Pie~ Andrew ♥

Yesterday my little tater, boy # 3 turned fourteen, he woke up to two zits, and a mother that had just fallen asleep. My insomnia has been keeping me up all night and I had done some reading, tossing and turning and finally gave in to the zzz’s at about 5:30~ish. He took a shower then came to my room and just stood there….waiting. In my half sleep/half dead stupor I was like”what?” thinking he had asked me something and I missed the question. Poor baby just stood there hinting…..finally it dawned on me, he was waiting for me to wish him a happy birthday….bad mom. Sorta….earlier this month I had taken him out shopping and bought him a couple of shorts and other stuff, told him to consider it an early birthday present. He was okay with that. Saturday we went out to eat for his birthday, his pick, he chose Olive Garden….great choice. It is one of my faves. Boy # 2 was being an ass and didn’t want to join us…that hurt his feelings. But that is how his brother is…a jackhole whenever he wants to be…so I punished him by making him do his brother’s dishes.

Today I decided to get out for a bit. I had 3 gift cards to one of my favorite stores and decided to go and splurge….well I didn’t splurge much, found some Levi Boyfriend jeans and a black top, but I think I’m returning the blouse, it runs a bit too big for me….so anyway I finally spent all I had on one of the gift cards, it was a $50.00 gift card that I’ve been using for quite a while….I bought a bunch of stuff with that one card….cause I’m cool like that…or rather I’m just a cheap ass.

I was gone for maybe 45 minutes….long enough to be in too much pain that I had to pop a happy pill….and no it didn’t make me happy but it took the edge off the pain….for a bit…not nearly as long as I would like. That shit is fucking annoying…I guess I need stronger pain meds….so anyway I got home and put my pjs back on….and propped myself on the couch with a few pillows, heating pad and the remote.

I then got up after a while and started cooking…Arroz con Pollo (Chicken and Rice). Boy # 2 got home and I had him help me, made some brownies…actually Boy # 2 made them, all I had to do was spray the pan and pour the mix in and put it in the oven.

I watched  a bit more TV, the boys joined me, we ate in the living room, something I don’t let them do too often. Then I retired to my room. I went to bed with my book…read a few chapters and then gave up reading. Decided to get online, pay some bills, browse here and there and here I am now….

No matter how you put it…it is a bitch~

maybe if I had a bottle of Bitch..I wouldn't be so bitchy~

How do I describe my pain? Most times it is chronic, sometimes it is intermittent, coming and going…it has been almost a sudden onset of deep pain the last for hours…but it feels like a constant it won’t stay in one place as it prefers to radiate to other areas. It’s a dull ache, a sharp, piercing and burning sensation. It’s in my neck…my upper back, my  low back, down to my left leg, I feel a weakness, numbness and  tingling….all at once….back pain is one of humanity’s most frequent complaints…right now I would quantify it as severe as it has been interrupting my sleep….there is not a single position I can get into that will alleviate it….my fear is that I may require yet another back surgery….that thought is a nightmare…pain medication that fogs up my mind, tears at my insides…..I have a strong threshold for pain but I do have my limits….right now the temptation is to take something for the pain, I just hate the feeling of not having full control of my mental faculties, without medication my brain struggles to keep up with the world….adding medication that alters my mind and thought process doesn’t sound like what I need to be doing…..I’ve run the gamut of extremes when it has come to powerful narcotics….I don’t like them…..but the alternative is then the constant pain, with that comes the seemingly bad “attitude” problems….I am not trying to be short or bitchy….but I have to cope with the pain one way or another and one way is for me to focus on something as innocuous as a piece of gum wrapper on my desk so that I lose focus on the pain….just last night I thought of indulging in a hot bath, but I knew getting in and out would not happen….but then it was time for bed….I come to dread going to bed…if I get around to doing physical activity and allow myself to be consumed with a task then for that amount of time I can let the focus elsewhere and at least for that time I’m not thinking of hurting…a body can only take so much and my body has been through enough….or at least I would like to think it has been….I don’t like pain, though at times I do welcome it….it’s a painful reminder that at least I was able to regain the ability to walk…and I don’t take that for granted…

 

Something else I’m quitting…

I am going to quit taking my painmeds…or at least I am going to try very hard to quit. This means that I will probably be bitchier, crankier than normal. I am also doing this cold turkey….but I have been experiencing side effects that I can no longer stomach…pun intended. Will the withdrawals suck ass? Probably. Will I substitute anything else? I don’t know. I am just tired of the other issues that come with taking the pain meds…mainly the confusion, the memory problems…so I need to schedule another appointment with the doctor and see what else I can take….well I think I will email first and see if I can avoid having to make the long ass drive to Austin, or perhaps my doctor here can prescribe something else….I hate pain, I hate drugs….FML.

Finally~

Mr. Sandman and I finally got together….woohoo. Though I may have been more drunkenly passed out as opposed to actually sleeping. I feel rested and that is all that matters. I’m still in bed, I wasn’t too kind to my back, so it is retaliating against me, I fed her some pain meds so all I can do now is take it easy.

Not liking this shit~

How could I possibly feel like I am near death? From doing what? Nothing, not a god damn thing…pisses the fuck out of me…yes, I’m bitching, ranting, raving….ughhhh

Okay, let’s be fair, went out to lunch…but fuck my ass…well…no don’t fuck my ass…how could that wear the shit out of me….it’s not like I went to a different country, or state or city…just here in town, a few miles down the road…and I get home and want to die, yeah really, the boys thankfully have a fucked up summer schedule so they are sleeping randomly, I got home, it was quiet so I said fuck it, and went to bed too. Have not cooked for them today, I don’t know what they’ve had to eat, I’m not terribly worried either, I’m sure they’ve managed….but deep down there is a pang of guilt.

I slept, got up and watched Funny People with Adam Sandler…man that was a long ass movie…enjoyed it…but still with potty breaks it was even longer…lol.

gotta love Adam Sandler

Got cookies baking. need cookies

 

Going nucking futs~

This lack of sleep business is just for the dogs…I am so mentally dead, I keep  thinking eventually I’ll read myself to sleep…but it hasn’t happened…instead I find myself breezing through hundreds of pages, book after book, when I get tired of reading a book, I put it down and move on to a magazine, or will give my fingers and hands a break from holding a book and paging thru it. I get online and breeze thru the same familiar places….

Yesterday was not a good day, I popped pain pills every 2-3 hours, not smart…I know, but the pain was too caustic…I’m still hurting but today I can’t seem to swallow any pills, I tried, my throat shuts down and I can’t get it down….

Yes today is a day to contemplate a shortened shelf life. There is no way I want to be around for another 20 years in this condition, heck even the though of a few tomorrows like this makes me go into my dark place.

Whahhhhh

whine over…off to bed….again…wish me luck with that shit called sleep….

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