I took off for the weekend to one of my favorite places to spend time with some of my favorite people and while it was a nice visit I am still paying for it…I left right after work, made pretty good time, arrived at my destination, unloaded my car and then took off to check out a thrift store a few miles down the road, I piddled around and returned….after a while I made it out again to join my brother in picking up a few provisions for the weekend. We did the usual, visit, share laughter and then made it to bed….then HOLY FUCK…I woke up in so much pain, when I did make it downstairs it was quite apparent to the family as to how bad it was…I wanted to come back home, I didn’t want them to see me like that…I simply did not have the strength to get back home. Saturday I didn’t even step out the door…much of it is a blur due to the energy I expended in trying to function…I am still expending that energy to get by. I hate it. FML doesn’t even cover it. This week is closer to the weekend, yay….my weekend will be more recovery…I think of my friends who have it so much worse and can’t even get out of bed…I don’t want to be the whiney, bitchy old bitter lady I am becoming…there is a way out with dignity, the time will come to explore those options. Pity party over.
I love the night shift and the daytime freedom it provides me…lately I have spent more time on my night audits and it is refreshing to discover that someone else can appreciate an esoteric parlance, albeit only in writing, but it sure makes for interesting reading. Due to the nature of most of our clients we are reminded to keep to a nondescript style of writing….well that has taken a life of its own and most case notes could be just copied and inserted in each individual file as they all sound the same, but then there is Ms. HR, gotta love her colorful use of language and the kicker is that she uses it in the correct context…anywho…enough of that…
I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling like I am dying…I took it upon myself to get or try to get the yard work done…well got the front done (except for the weed eating) and then I half assed the backyard…my body just gave out. consequently I am still paying for it…I don’t feel like I can even ask my # 2 to help…and I surely cannot afford to pay someone to come and do it….so buttercup sucks it up….by the time I recover I’ll be repeating the process as the rain has kick started the growth….and from a distance it looks okay…and I feel like I haven’t uttered the words enough…but here goes, I hate my body, I hate that it betrays me, that on the outside to anyone looking at me I look the picture of health…far from it, I have a useless piece of shit carcass to drag around and it’s only going to get worse…and pity party over….
that’s all I’s got…
I can’t move….I hate this, so minimal movement until this subsides, I have medicated myself and placed myself in a position where everything I might need is within reach….except the pot. not the smoking kind, but the one you piss in…maybe if I had the other….hmmm…when will this end…and what the fuck is the point, I don’t even have the energy for an internal debate…I just want to crawl in a corner and die…but fuck I can’t even crawl…sucks to be me…and that there concludes my pity party.
I’ve pending research to tend to…and then shuffle my ass to bed where I hope to pass out until I go to work.
I am so over the going over my history….medical history that is…I know on the outside it all looks hunky dory…having chronic pain gets old…the mask that we learn to wear takes its toll…one would be surprised at the amount of effort involved in pulling that off….that smile…it hides a grimace…sometimes…at best it would, at worst…well I’ve been told I look mad, pissed, tired….etc…I’m tired of “looking”….what the hell am I supposed to look like? What are any of us supposed to look like…I don’t want to look like “I’m dying”….even though at times the pain is unbearable…my coping mechanisms are different…sometimes I “barrel” through it….in my world it means something different than what it would for a normal person…but sometimes I just have to punishingly plug away with mundane tasks…to take my mind off of the pain….but it tends to backfire….I want what I’ll never in my lifetime get….a pain free day…it’s kinda like with my insomnia…I’ll sleep when I’m dead…I’ll be pain free when I’m dead…I get annoyed with those that mean well…”pray” seriously? For what? there is no magical being out there that’s going to wave a magic wand and make the pain go away….there are those white coats that may “help” with their potions (drugs) but the reality is that I will be in pain for the rest of my life….different levels of it…on a good day…moderate….on a bad day…”FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOMMA TOO”….I get to where I hurt so much I can’t stand myself….I just want to be alone…nobody asking “what’s wrong?” “FUCK YOU” that’s what’s wrong….I know, I know, people mean well, friends mean well….but it really does get old….who wants to hear someone bitch and moan constantly about every little thing that hurts…or the same ole, same ole….I tried to google “What does pain look like?” I couldn’t find anything that could describe it, but I don’t recommend typing that in google…it was kind of revolting…pain apparently looks like pus filled lumps, bumps and hemorrhoids…..yup, hemorrhoids….like a visual of an asshole turned inside out is an adequate representation….I suppose next time someone asks me how I’m doing I’ll have it in the back of my head that I look like an inside out asshole……
Stolen car….with brand new car seat for the princess….buh-bye $125+…car recovered…TORCHED, sadly the thieving fucker was not torched in the vehicle…yeah I know it’s a little harsh…and actually a good thing the thieving fucker didn’t get injured or injure anyone else while he was having fun in the stolen car.
My truck is broken, not sure what is wrong with it….it’s not the battery…she needs attention…finances, weather and time permitting.
My car is acting sick, got filters and belts for it….still need to get them installed….finances, weather and time permitting.
Still have a hole on the side of the house where the beginnings of a plumbing job was started….still a work in progress…will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.
Roof leaking….will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.
Leak in laundry room….will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.
and the list goes on and on….all with the same old tired refrain…will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.
Through all this I have been getting help from friends….as far as the labor goes….that in turn allows me to pay it forward in kind. I’ve informally adopted an elderly gent and a kidlet. I just don’t have the physical stamina to do more than I already do…when I do overextend myself I feel like my entire Mexican family got their pointy fence jumping boots on and kicked the shit out of me, took a 5 minute break and then kicked me some more….
Thoughts running through my head…thinking of my friend T and the ordeal she is undergoing….hating that there is not a thing I can do for her. Knowing she is in a hospital, knowing how much hospitals suck….knowing too much and not knowing enough. Life can suck. MzT…you are in my thoughts…and no prayers here. Love ya!
Muscle relaxer and pain pill down the hatch….note to self….next time the stupid idea to do yard work strikes….strike back…or strike a match. I used to be able to do all the yard work required to maintain a decent looking property…today…not so much. And I enjoy doing it….my back is hating me for it….big time. I can’t even start a lawn mower on my own….that sucks balls. #3 had to start it for me a couple of times. The third time I just gave up and let him finish up. I hate, hate, hate not being able to do these basic things….things I could do BEFORE. I miss so much of that….it is a reminder that I no longer have the ability to be self sufficient. I’m so not good with that. The added pain makes it that much more painful to pick up my precious bundle of joy….soon I will have to make changes there. Not sure how that will work out. Today all I could do was put her down in the crib and play with her from there…..SIGH….life can suck….but my beautiful babies make it a bit better…and having this beautiful princess in my life sure makes a lot of other shit bearable….well enough for now…I’m slowly working my way back to writing. I’ve missed it and have to get back into it…it is indeed therapeutic.
That’s about all I can muster, my last day off was Easter…by the look of things I won’t have a day off until next month….I am exhausted and hurting….I think the constant pain is just draining me. But I have things to do, places to go and people to see…getting boy # 2’s checking account set up, a two-day affair, but at least that’ll get done without him having to miss school. I still need to get them both in to see their doctor for immunizations…need groceries again, laundry…neverending list of domestic chores…sigh***
Also visited with a banker about a possible refinance, laughably my debt to income ratio is high, my only “real” debt being the house….FMH. If I could secure a one year lease on the rental then that would help…but can’t do that at this point….anywho I think I’ll try for a nap before I go to work…I hate not being fully alert….
Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)
Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…