Whoever said hair doesn’t grow on nipples didn’t see “those” nipples….

Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)

Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…

Good things~

Woke up feeling good, mind you that I didn’t get much sleep and that the sleeplessness was due to not being able to get into a pain-free position. Pain my new best friend. I have decided to treat the pain kindly, no more cussing it out. It has been way too long since I have woken up with a positive attitude, and it feels good. 

Had an early appointment this AM, have another this PM, the early one went well, got good news there, hoping the second one yields the same results.

Getting a new central A/C installed, the old one was well, old, very old. My belly is hungry, but I’m sorta kinda trapped in my room as the installers are right outside my door with all their equipment.

Oh and on another happy note, the grass is trying to be grass again, the much-needed rain perked it up a bit. I still need to get out there and clean up the yard a bit, branches and trash, leaves and old pecans. Maybe this evening if the pain doesn’t intensify.

Pretense II~

Much of life is pretense, no not your life, but mine, and no not always.

I sit there with a well honed practiced smile masking the shooting pain radiating up and down my spine. I answer question after question while inner turmoil swirls throughout my mind. I’m worried that the thin veil of perspiration forming over my top lip and the pulsating redness washing over me will give away my secret.

Just when I think it is almost over I’m faced with a second round of questioning. I’m so out of practice and my fear is that my armor will once again crack. The pain is unbearable and I think passing out could soon look like an enticing option.

How did I get here? A karmic universal gesture from the gods I didn’t piss off. Surely someone else’s genetic stamp is all over this.

Once again my focus is channeled to the inquisition, my smile still pasted on. I am a major league class A faker. The Great Pretender. I don’t know how I did and quite frankly part of me doesn’t give a care. I should care but I am not rational at this point.

Kicking the Cat~

It has been a while since I’ve truly felt alive, I mean I know I am alive. The constant pain is a good reminder….but living and existing are two different things. I exist. I exist in a world of my own, I’ve got more than four walls, none of them padded…yet. (Yeah that is next, at this rate…probably advisable.)

What I’m getting at is that for the last two years (or possibly longer) my life has been part blur, part drug induced stupor or head in the sand…and yeah head elsewhere…no need for me to draw you a picture. The beginning of 2009 was the start of a nightmare that I can’t seem to wake from. I was happy working, I was even working two jobs, taking care of my family as I raced from one job to the next and still managing to throw dinner together before heading to the second job. I was thriving, enjoying the busy-ness of life. Then IT started, that nagging pain, it only escalated…I ignored it until I could no longer ignore it. Soon I found myself in physical therapy, countless doctor appointments and fear. As a single mother with two boys still at home I was scared of what the future would hold for me. I tried to just tackle things as they came, the writing was on the wall…I knew I would soon be laid off, so if I was going to have surgery there was no time to sit and think on it. I scheduled it the same day it was suggested.

Little did I know that it would take two surgeries to “fix” me…problem is it is now 2011 and I am anything but fixed.

The last few days have been agonizing, painfully so. I know it shows on me. My youngest keeps asking me to smile, he knows I’m hurting, he keeps asking me to smile through the pain, and maybe that will help. If only it was that easy. Boy # 2 is a bit more uncomfortable seeing me in pain, he will help out and make sure I have water, medications, tissue, trash can close to my bed in case I need to hurl. They have been great throughout this whole ordeal…but I feel guilt. I feel like I am robbing them of a normal childhood…there is no extra money to take them out for a bite to eat, trip to the mall, shopping…they are growing, Boy # 3 just shot up a couple of inches in the last month.

I hate that I sound so down…despite all of the pain, the changes we have had to make and try to adjust to, life is good. Yes, it could be better, but it could also be a lot worse. I’m not complaining…even if that is what it sounds like…no I am bitching and moaning…there is a difference.

And I am entitled to bitch and moan all I want, anyone has a problem with it can kiss my old saggy crippled ass…but only if I’m standing…and they can get to it…I’m not making it easy on anyone….and sheesh…I need to change my Pandora radio station….this music is a little too melancholy for me.

Oh and I’m shamelessly taking donations for funds for booze….yes booze. I have drugs, I even have saltine crackers…but booze…well I am running low…very low. And a bitch and moan fest cannot properly be undertaken without booze….so hit the DONATE button and surprise me.

Now I’m off to go kick the cat….wait…I don’t have a cat….

3am ramblings

I need a fresh glass of ice water…brb.

Back…found the back door open, not just unlocked but wide open. Kids are safe and the house is now secured.

 

not Miriam...

I bought some boots…they aren’t the ones I drooled over, but fit my budget…sorta…they don’t really fit my budget…but oh well…if I die with the debt of them…no biggie.

I just got up to get more water…and double check doors. I hate when I can’t sleep….oh yesterday I made a list of ingredients I will need for holiday baking….I found a recipe for a lemon pie, actually 2 recipes, one bake and one no bake, I think I want to try both. I have to readjust the budget for all the extras…and hope my tree will produce good pecans this year…that would save a considerable amount…as a lot of the goodies I’ll be baking call for pecans.

I have my AC off and it doesn’t feel too bad in here…oh and I need to check and see if my rent has been paid…I hope it has…I hate seeing my checking account looking so pitiful….

Well I don’t have much…oh yeah I do need to try to get to Austin sooner, back has been hurting like a bitch…time to reevaluate pain management options.

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