I did things for myself….~

I always do things for myself….heck it was my bday, woothefuckhoo…another day….so now I am officially another year older…yay!!!

Nothing to do with my post, it just cracked me up....lol


I had things to do…like fetch new drugs….now that is something to get excited about….right…maybe these new magical little things will make life the picture perfect daisy and green grass soft as brand new plush carpet thrill a minute ride we all dream about…you do dream about that shit don’t cha?????

So I took my happy ass….oh wait…getting ahead of myself…let’s back up a spell or two…aww….coffee…fresh brewed all I gotta do ispushthebuttonandthebrownstuffwillpumpoutthetopintothepot ….yes, that was the start to my day…well after Boy#3 came into my room wanting to rifle thru my dresser drawers…I’m half asleep at this point…cause I’m not up and haven’t had the nectar of the gods yet….so he whispers his apologies for being in my room, asks me to cover my face cause he needs to turn the light on…I’m not ready to be up so I do as he asks…wasn’t sure (or could care less) at what he was looking for (I thought he was looking for the sweet tarts I had stashed). He obviously found what he was looking for then proceeded to turn the light off and tell me “Let me be the first one to wish you a happy birthday”. He gave me a hug and he started to leave…that is when I asked him to go ahead and get my coffee going.

So anyway back to where I was before I got ahead of myself….I had my coffee….oh wait…gotta tell you this…I found Almond Joy coffee creamer…OMFG….like for serious…orgasmic…chocolate, almonds, coconut.√,√,√. Three of my loves (aside from my boys). Okay, after my coffee, I got in the shower, then after my uneventful (no falling on my ass (or face) or landscaping escapades, I got out, wrapped myself up in my big fluffy chocolate-brown towel, wrapped my hair up in another towel and went back to the living room. Yes just in towels…turned my TV on, turned my laptop on and grabbed my makeup bag….I put my face on while I watched some prerecorded reality crap and caught up with some emails….OMFG again….(sorry for the cussing) all these wonderful emails from friends and family wishing me a happy birthday….***Sigh*** I don’t do bdays….not for me anyway…not where I get excited about them….I didn’t have the foresight to make my DOB invisible on all my social networking sites….so I was madly scrambling about to try to acknowledge every individual bday wish….sheesh…too much…after the 4th or 5th I was thinking to myself…”Self…you aren’t this special…nobody ever remembers your bday, just like you don’t remember anyone’s bday” But this is the beauty of social networking…it “helps” us remember these milestones, like bdays, anniversaries, parties, etc, etc….

So anywho I exhausted myself trying to reply to all….(I’m sure I missed a few here or there). I got my face on…, by this time my hair is mostly dry, somewhat curly…good enough to where I can get away with going out without any extra hair effort….put my makeup bag away, turn off my laptop, turn off my TV and go throw my dress on…YES dress….why not….I was thinking I would be good to myself and take me out to lunch. Grab my purse, keys, shades, check doors all is secure and I take off….guess what I found out…my truck keys work on my car….I had previously checked but they didn’t work….yeah I know random….

Okay so now I’m out the door, I head out, I got things to do…which was the original title of this post before I digressed all over the place….I headed to the grocery store, where I snagged a bottle of wine for a $1.00 good shit too….it was on sale, but I was charged regular price, then in the confusion I was not charged for something else but then got charged for one more of something else, but the bottom line is I ended up paying a $1.00 for the wine…woothefuckhoo!!!

So I left the grocery store then headed to the pharmacy….where new drugs were awaiting me….yay….now normally I don’t get excited about scrips…but fuck I’ve been in so much fucking pain I’m ready to try something new…and I can’t sleep, so why not try something new for that…and I’m depressed and want to kill you before I kill myself so why not try something for that too….oh and because I have to break in my new insurance that I’m paying money out the ass for and haven’t been able to afford to use, not that I can afford it now….but WTF let’s just go all out and spend money we don’t have for my useless cripple ass….

But anywho by the time I was done with this crap I was no longer in the mood for lunch…I had a cake to bake for my beautiful bday boy and a couple of other food stuffs for his bday. So I unloaded the food stuff and drug stuff and put things away. Took a short break and then went all out and baked his cake…still in my dress…cause why not…it’s my freaking bday and I should look all hot and purty when I’m playing Suzie homemaker…but I had a major cake fail….the cake batter is somewhat heavy and I should have pounded the cake pans harder than I did to even out the batter but guess what….that shit fucking hurts…yeppers it hurt my back to try to do that….so I threw them in the oven like that and hoped for the best….and the best that I got was two uneven cakes that were high in the middle…not a wise move to stack them…but hey that was my plan…to stack them….so anyways I was doing really good, cakes were holding up pretty good, I got them all iced up and was working on finishing up the sides when the top layer starts cracking in the middle…no problem I have enough icing to fill in the crack…all done…place glass cover over glass pedestal and walk away….come back a few minutes later and my purty cake had a new crack….FUCK…this is the little shit that just makes me want to curl up in a corner and bawl like a baby.  Not the fact that the cake isn’t perfect…but that it physically hurts to bake a fucking cake…btw the cake tastes awesome! Cause I did bake it with love (and drugs, but not drugs in the cake).

 And I did all this for Boy # 2…cause he is the best birthday gift I ever received, and nothing I get from here on out will ever top him!




Randomness, updates and whatnots

The Roman philosopher Seneca the Younger wrote that living happily is “the desire of all men, but their minds are blinded to a clear vision of just what it is that makes a life happy.”

This is something that I can relate to. …and I know of at least a few others that struggle with this. …for me this means that whatever set of beliefs we own can sometimes get in the way of happiness….what a struggle…see for me this has been playing out these past couple of days, weeks, months….but this isn’t quite the forum for such a deep and personal subject, so not sure why I’m even thinking/talking/typing bout it…..so moving on….

This morning my allergies were bitchin’…most mornings that is what gets me up, so in conclusion yes, I am once again allergic to mornings…for a while I had outgrown it….so anyways…they’re back, have been back….I sneezed so hard that I didn’t have time to pull my hair out-of-the-way and you guessed it…I sneezed snot into my hair…yes…TMI and gross.

I didn’t call the pharmacy to check on my prescriptions…I talked my doc into higher doses of some of the stuff I’m already taking. I now wished I had checked to see if they were ready for pickup. I suppose I could still check, they are after all open 24/7. But I am not fit to drive at this time so might as well wait until tomorrow. Wish I had someone here I could send for a pickup….not sure what I did to my back…but I’m back to shuffling around with my walker. I so hate it. It’s now nearing a year since my last surgery and still no relief from this constant pain. When it gets this bad my anxiety goes up, and I also have other thoughts I’d rather not get into…

Oh and I think my doc must have needed some extra spending money as he talked me into a flu shot (my right arm still is sore from where they poked me) and a crapload of lab work….so I had them bleed me dry, 6 tubes of blood, both arms as the vein in my left arm clotted up before they got what they needed. They better find something wrong with me to justify the additional costs….sheesh…like I can afford all this….

Well enough bitching, moaning and whining…time to try to get myself in bed…just hope I can get up in the morning….

Something else I’m quitting ~ part 2

The book…I simply cannot put pen to paper or words to keyboard to continue writing. I lost whatever creativity was there…or maybe the interest is in remission and I just don’t know, I don’t know but I just don’t have anything pouring out. Yes, lately it’s been all about quitting. Blah.

Last night was horrific…and I almost gave in and popped a Norco. I felt like I needed to claw my skin off, I tossed, I turned, I was in misery and pain. I fucking hate this part of my life. Anyways…Ima gonna be under a rock for a while….

Do not play stupid with me! I’m better at it.

Apparently I took a shower yesterday, yet I don’t remember….not only that but I don’t feel like I did. Yeah TMI….I haven’t had much sleep, maybe 2 hours in the last couple of days…I’m somehow surviving on Norco, coffee and the other happy pills. Actually the jury is still out, I haven’t decided if they are happy pills.

I’m almost done reading a book I started a few days ago…I keep misplacing the damn thing…probably because I don’t know which way is up…

I’m looking forward to cool weather, I want to break in my new boots….then I got online and was looking at other boots I was thinking I NEEDED. Yes NEED. Only another female can understand that type of need.

I’m hungry….

Day 2 ~

and the winner is "the new guy"

I arrived with about 5 minutes to spare, made it up the steps, into the women’s dressing room, took off my brace, put it and my bag in a locker and  stepped out to the pool area. Everyone else scheduled for that time was already there…I made my way into the pool, first thought, the water is not as warm as it was last week…said hello to the two grandma’s and the PT guy, keep forgetting his name, starts with a J, so I’ll just call him J. The new guy was lowered into the water…I heard the lift screech and thought how horrible it would be if it broke, or worse if I had to use it. A few minutes later J had us all working on different exercises….everything I do hurts, I feel the burn, the struggle of my body to not want to do this, I fight back tears and I repeat “No pain, no gain” over and over, it becomes my mantra….””No pain, no gain”. I begin to look around for distractions, grandma # 1’s daughter shows up with a service dog, I didn’t realize Chihuahua’s made for good service dogs…but whatever, that little dog was yapping up a storm….next thing that catches my attention, comes out of the periphery of my left eye, it’s the new guy…I am unable to suppress a laugh…I’m so busted by J….he wants to know what I’m laughing at…I say nothing, wouldn’t be nice…but I can share with you….new guy was wearing a white T-shirt, at first glance my eyes are transfixed to the boobs, it’s like for a moment I can picture myself on the sidelines of a wet t-shirt contest, hands down he’d have been my pick for perkiest boobs in this pool.

I’ve yet to go online to check and see what will or will not be covered by my insurance….I doubt if I’ll be able to afford the 3 times a week my doctor suggested. Not only that I need to refill my pain medication prescription, that one’s not so bad, that’s just $10.00, but I will not be able to continue my monthly hormones, not at $25 a month…maybe yummy doctor can hook me up with samples.Sheesh…why does everything have to be about money?

BTW…(click →) here’s the other blog where I shamelessly make my plea for donations to my fix-me-up fund. Check it out if you are feeling generous, pass it along to someone who wants to adopt an old brokendownbeatenupbylifeoldhag.

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