Regalo o cosa que se da voluntariamente en señal de afecto.
Translation: A gift or thing that is voluntarily given as a sign of affection.
Countless….heat for my water, a stick on my fence, an ear for my words, a lock (or two or ten) for my door, a mower for my grass, a blower for the weeds, a brush for the paint on my walls, sealant for a leak, a charge for my battery, a battery ….the list just goes on and on….
But it isn’t about all the little things….it’s about all the little things put together.
Sometimes gifts arrive in unsuspecting packages. I’m not into gifts of the material kind, more importantly for me is the gift of self: trust, companionship, friendship, shared laughter….but a helping hand goes a long way.
A storied past, a colorful life….we all have our stories…stories muddied in violence, deceptions, love, hate…all forming little pieces of a puzzle that when put together create a big picture, a life story. I enjoy the intricacies of extracting the little nuggets of life that form each little piece….a short or long session where the truth of a soul comes out. Revelations made in turn, speaking over each other and filling in the blanks….rediscovering old forgotten memories, revisiting old memories and more importantly creating new memories.
I promised someone I would have a piece written for them born out of inspiration, in my head the story is still being written, still being pieced together….but a preface…well that I can start off with.
If we had a perfect memory that reminded us of all the suckiness of life (and people) where would we be? Granted that I can’t eliminate all the craptasticness that has ever been on my path to where I am now, I am truly grateful that I can have some fogginess in the compartment in my head that stores bad memories. The people who were complete jackholes, the incidents that I thought at one point would break me…well they are all in a little nook in my melon….surely as a reminder that there is yet more to come….of course I’m hoping for good stuff. See…I’m not always negative and pessimistic….sometimes I take a Pollyanna approach to things.
So I’m off, to shower, change and vegetate, boys are all still asleep. so I get to enjoy a bit more quiet time. Happy Sunday ya’ll!
It is 36 degrees currently and the high expected to only reach the low 50’s and if that wasn’t bad enough tomorrow snow is expected. Gotta love this crazy weather. I was talking to my aunt on the phone and we were just talking about the benefits of warmer weather…and I was thinking out loud about asking my DR for prescription for travel to a warmer climate to see if that would help with the pain. We talked about Hawaii as she was just there….and I’d like to possibly return to Hawaii to create new memories and visit Cynthia’s (http://cynthiaschmidt.com/) chocolate shop.
I am bundled up in my red fuzzy robe and I can’t get warm…I will be moving on to a different room and will bundle myself with a blanket…maybe a hot cup of tea will help. I have a book I’m reading and I want to get lost in a fictional world that does not parallel my world in the least.
So I am off to go and get some stuff done that I started yesterday, get my tea going and forget about the evils of the world for a while.
I organized the pantry, big woohoo for me. I made it to the bank, and even a bit further than that…I had to go by the office and pick up some forms I had printed for me. My printer at home is out of ink…so anyhoo I have forms to fill out for my LTD and I will probably be needing to make another trip to the office to get them faxed. I will try scanning them first and see if they will accept that.
It has been sprinkling on and off, I’m hoping for hard rain, but not for another couple of hours I don’t want the boys getting soaked.
I found some thumb drives with old pics, lots of laughter and good memories, happier times. Will I ever get there again? I sure hope so, life is too short to be miserable. I’ve had more than my fair share of misery and I chose to no longer live in that place…except the pain keeps me there. Damnit.
Okay I guess I need to cut this short…I’m downloading stuff and will have to close all my windows and restart. So TTFN.
I still remember the last visit; the immense pain I was under….Dr couldn’t diagnose me, refused to even consider it could be heart issues….history said otherwise, but the age I was at the time was enough to dismiss the complaints….still it wasn’t about me…I enjoyed the visit, it was a short visit, he complained about not feeling good…I tried to convince him to get checked out…I had nitroglycerin pills and mentioned that maybe he should get his heart checked…no…that was his response, after all the company he worked for at the time had required a complete physical for insurance purposes and he was given an all clear….at least that is what he told me…I just had a heavy feeling in my heart, but I also had immense pain…hence the nitroglycerin pills….nevertheless he cut his visit short, I didn’t argue, they left, and I went straight to the hospital to do additional stress tests, EKG readings a gamut of tests…and no relief…I could hear them laughing at me…they weren’t taking me serious….I got up and left….nobody stopped me…and I think about it now…I don’t recall an ER bill….anyhow…I stayed with the nitroglycerin pills, the side effect was severe headaches…so it was either chest pain or headache….some days it was both…a couple of days after they left as I stood at my job, behind the counter….the phone rang…a cousin of mine was on the phone….”your dad was taken in an ambulance, he wasn’t responding” What??? “I’ll call you back, but I think he is dead”….just like that…no hello cuz, how are you, sit down, I have bad news….just like that…and the line went dead…..and I stood there…..and I fell apart….and there were people in front of me…and I am at a loss, I am a crying, shaking mess, and I have walls, nowhere to turn, no one to take over for me….and the people looking at me…like what the fuck is wrong with her….and I bawled….and I couldn’t think…and I went on automatic…my ex happened to come in and in that instant he came through…he didn’t know what was wrong, I couldn’t find the words, I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth…they were there….but they didn’t come out…tears, many tears, only tears, and I shook, my body shook, I convulsed, I fell apart….my world….dead….the one person, the only person I had, the only person I could talk to, gone…”I think he is dead”…in my heart….I knew…he was dead…how….why….when I heard ambulance….he wasn’t supposed to be the one…she should have been the one….but it wasn’t to be that way….the shock….how, why…but in my pain, with my pain…I knew….and I knew my world as I knew it, was now over….our family as fractured as it was, was only held together by him…most families…are held together by mothers, ours was held together by my father…now what…so many questions, but all I could think of was my daddy is gone, he is gone, who will protect me now….who will I turn to….I knew then…there would never be anyone to take his place….the trust for another person…gone….over several state lines, we drove, me so young still, a new mother, an unprepared wife, my baby, my daddy’s first grandson….and man he was so proud….he was so disappointed when my life took the course it took, I steered my life on my own in every wrong direction I could possibly take it on…and I left him with no choice, I left him with no say in the matter…he knew he raised me to be as stubborn as I am now, as strong as I am now, but he knew my weaknesses…he held me when I needed it…he talked to me when I needed it, he knew I was making mistakes, but he knew he instilled a strong sense of pride….and he knew even he would not win a battle with me…I am my father’s daughter…..and while he had many faults, faults he passed on to me…he was my daddy and he could do no wrong…and I was a daddy’s girl and I could do no wrong….but I did do wrong, time and again, and he loved me still…and he was witness to the evil that was in me, he listened to me and he held me and he didn’t need to say anything to me, just listen…I was to carry the darkness and the evil thoughts with me for many more years to come…he heard it all….it broke his heart, years later I can still see the pain I caused him….daddy’s little girl, a ball of fury, anger and pure evil….and those thoughts…well they were spilt and shared and most of that is gone….he took a big part of me with him…..and still now……when I am alone…in the darkness….when I am by myself….I cry for him….uncontrollable gut wrenching pain and loneliness, an emptiness that will never be filled…my daddy’s love will never be replaced….my pain and my sense of loss does make me hurt for my sons….do they feel the loss of their dad….do they hurt….do they shed tears in private….if they do…it is a secret they hide….and I respect that…I don’t intend to invite any intrusion into my pain….it is my own…and as a selfish little girl…I’m not sharing it…the little girl that was then is no more….maybe a small part peeks out every once in a while….but the pain, the loneliness, the lost and hurt little girl….well she is all mine…and I’m not sharing her….along with the traces of the bad evil person she grew up to be….she stays at a safe distance….and the pain…I can’t make it stop….and the date has new significance…but it also lost a part of the good…so the hurt, the bad, it all is there…..and soon…..very soon…it’ll be back…and how does one commemorate a passing….there isn’t a suitable way to do it….publicly one can honor such a passing with a memorial….it is something that may or may not come up for discussion with my brothers….when we buried him….we said goodbye to a body in a box….to honor him, there is a place in the ground where the box rests….and at this place I am always confronted with images I care not to take with me…I can go there….but I don’t feel that I need to go there…I carry him in my heart and in my mind….my memories which are fading….and how do I reconcile the fading memories….21 years….and the memories on some days are so crisp, so vivid…then on some days…try as I might…nothing….an emptiness….a loss and then tears…I don’t want to say goodbye….but a long time ago…the goodbye was said….it was when he left…in hindsight…I knew…I knew…I just knew…something wasn’t right…but in my own immense pain…I was at a loss…and I thought…did it hurt? I hope not….my heart for days was a crushing ball of searing pain…and nothing would make the pain go away…and for at least a year before he died…my pain was there, and it was real and it was mine…and for years after he died…I had immense pain…searing pain…pain that needed to be medicated away…and then years later, many years later….it was gone….but the pain in my heart, the pain that will never go away, the sense of loss….immense loss….that will never go away….