Whoever said hair doesn’t grow on nipples didn’t see “those” nipples….

Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)

Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…

Yikes~

Well since I am no longer medically insured I now serve as my own diagnostician and of course my own pharmacist and any other medically relevant role I need to assume. I hoarded all sorts of meds and of course I also have a pharmacy (from a source that will remain nameless, for their protection of course) that I can go to and help myself. Well since I am just about out of the good stuff (that helps with the pain) I am resorting to other meds…it hasn’t yielded good results, quite the contrary. For the past few days I have experienced all of the possibly bad side effects associated with one of the meds I’m taking. I just thought I was coming down with something or that I had over-medicated on an empty stomach…but no, I do things backasswards….haven’t learned how to do things right (quite doubtful that at my old age there is any hope for me). So after taking yet another one of these lovely muscle relaxers…note to self, previous observation had you noting it was bone deep and not muscle deep, (I don’t have muscles, that should be a big clue). So anyways I pop a pill then I start looking up side effects and BINGO…everything bad I’ve been feeling is right there on the list of bad side effects. So now I have to sleep on this and get it out of my system throw out all the remaining pills and try something else. I did manage to elude a couple of side effects, mainly death….

See what the results of trying to solve my own problems and be self sufficient and also note why I am not a doctor. Now serial killer would be easier…I’ve been learning what drugs can do…hmmmm….food for thought.

Today I did better than burgers, nothing fancy but I put more effort into meal preparation, meatballs and pasta with mixed veggies. More paperwork to fill out and then boy # 3 and I went for a short walk.

Waiting for the sleepies to come and knock me out.

Good things~

Woke up feeling good, mind you that I didn’t get much sleep and that the sleeplessness was due to not being able to get into a pain-free position. Pain my new best friend. I have decided to treat the pain kindly, no more cussing it out. It has been way too long since I have woken up with a positive attitude, and it feels good. 

Had an early appointment this AM, have another this PM, the early one went well, got good news there, hoping the second one yields the same results.

Getting a new central A/C installed, the old one was well, old, very old. My belly is hungry, but I’m sorta kinda trapped in my room as the installers are right outside my door with all their equipment.

Oh and on another happy note, the grass is trying to be grass again, the much-needed rain perked it up a bit. I still need to get out there and clean up the yard a bit, branches and trash, leaves and old pecans. Maybe this evening if the pain doesn’t intensify.

What I should’ve said was…

There’s always a little truth behind every “just kidding”, a little knowledge behind every “I don’t know”, a little emotion behind every “I don’t care”, and a little pain behind every “It’s okay”!

In my case a lot of pain behind my every “it’s okay”, “I’m fine”, “all’s good”.

Looks like my last “I’m fine” will come back to bite me in the ass.

Today has been a weird day for me, emotionally (or perhaps hormonally) I’ve been all over the place. Good thing I’m left alone to fall apart, hate having witnesses to my humanity. I hate tears, whether they are angry tears, happy tears, or whatever other kind tears decide to burst forth out of my stupid retarded nasolacrimal ducts.

I spent a good 2 hours on my DDC online, hate the system that times it, it shouldn’t take 10 minutes to read some of the portions…I try pacing myself, but then find myself just answering the question without reading the crap….aometimes I wish I was a slow reader.

I made some muffins, have been instructed to make more tomorrow and not eat 3 of them, I shouldn’t have done that but I’ll blame it on the hormones. Or the assholebitchbastardpigjerkwad that made me do it. Well nobody was here to make me eat 3 muffins but I feel like blaming someone….cause that is just the kind of mood I’m in.

I think it is safe to say it is a good time to just medicate myself…so with that I am off to get some water to down a “happy” pill or two….

Kicking the Cat~

It has been a while since I’ve truly felt alive, I mean I know I am alive. The constant pain is a good reminder….but living and existing are two different things. I exist. I exist in a world of my own, I’ve got more than four walls, none of them padded…yet. (Yeah that is next, at this rate…probably advisable.)

What I’m getting at is that for the last two years (or possibly longer) my life has been part blur, part drug induced stupor or head in the sand…and yeah head elsewhere…no need for me to draw you a picture. The beginning of 2009 was the start of a nightmare that I can’t seem to wake from. I was happy working, I was even working two jobs, taking care of my family as I raced from one job to the next and still managing to throw dinner together before heading to the second job. I was thriving, enjoying the busy-ness of life. Then IT started, that nagging pain, it only escalated…I ignored it until I could no longer ignore it. Soon I found myself in physical therapy, countless doctor appointments and fear. As a single mother with two boys still at home I was scared of what the future would hold for me. I tried to just tackle things as they came, the writing was on the wall…I knew I would soon be laid off, so if I was going to have surgery there was no time to sit and think on it. I scheduled it the same day it was suggested.

Little did I know that it would take two surgeries to “fix” me…problem is it is now 2011 and I am anything but fixed.

The last few days have been agonizing, painfully so. I know it shows on me. My youngest keeps asking me to smile, he knows I’m hurting, he keeps asking me to smile through the pain, and maybe that will help. If only it was that easy. Boy # 2 is a bit more uncomfortable seeing me in pain, he will help out and make sure I have water, medications, tissue, trash can close to my bed in case I need to hurl. They have been great throughout this whole ordeal…but I feel guilt. I feel like I am robbing them of a normal childhood…there is no extra money to take them out for a bite to eat, trip to the mall, shopping…they are growing, Boy # 3 just shot up a couple of inches in the last month.

I hate that I sound so down…despite all of the pain, the changes we have had to make and try to adjust to, life is good. Yes, it could be better, but it could also be a lot worse. I’m not complaining…even if that is what it sounds like…no I am bitching and moaning…there is a difference.

And I am entitled to bitch and moan all I want, anyone has a problem with it can kiss my old saggy crippled ass…but only if I’m standing…and they can get to it…I’m not making it easy on anyone….and sheesh…I need to change my Pandora radio station….this music is a little too melancholy for me.

Oh and I’m shamelessly taking donations for funds for booze….yes booze. I have drugs, I even have saltine crackers…but booze…well I am running low…very low. And a bitch and moan fest cannot properly be undertaken without booze….so hit the DONATE button and surprise me.

Now I’m off to go kick the cat….wait…I don’t have a cat….

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