It’s like I left, where you may wonder, well that car I was riding in, I just opened the door and threw myself out fell out, I rolled a couple of times as I fell out, had some small pebbles and tarry gravel sticking to my back, my hair and half of my body, mainly on the left side as I laid there for a bit. I contemplated my fate, was I dead, or alive. Damn it I was still breathing, for what purpose I would keep breathing I hadn’t a clue. A laugh, rumbling, from deep within my belly erupted, I drew my knees up to my chest as I sat up on the side of the road, the laugh rolled out, manic, hysterical laughter, why am I laughing you may wonder. Well in all my ineptitude I chose to “fall out” when the car was rolling at a non injurious speed of 10 miles an hour. And the driver? Well he had no reason to stick around, his humiliation quite evident as his tires peeled off when he went past the stop sign at the town square.
I stood up, hands came up to my face, I surveyed the planes of my features, ran them down my cheeks, across my forehead, essentially wiping the dirt off of me, making sure no dirt would scratch my eyes if I rubbed them, there was blood on the side of my mouth, that didn’t come from striking my face as I tumbled out of the slow moving car, I bit my tongue, it is a bad habit, one which I am prone to when I over think.
I began walking, I had a couple of hours worth of walking ahead of me, I knew that car and it’s driver were not to return for me, that was a given, it was over, there was no forever and no for always, not for us. As a passenger in that car, a glimpse I caught when we had gone over the railroad tracks as we neared the busy town square, told me as much. Those dreams and promises made were now over; they had been over for a while. There were no ties binding us, nothing that was scrawled or typed up and filed a world away would keep us together. I knew my feelings were no match for his, my feelings were impervious and would remain as such. The continued revelation of my feelings would not ever change the course of what was happening, I had tried, in my way I had tried, and in my way I failed, yet again. How many failures must I have to get it? Each failure is a renewed vow that it is the last failure, yet somehow I know that this failure is the last one. I’m not closing off that wall, those bricks I had so busily been erecting in the past, with meticulous precision in the order I placed them, well they’ll continue to stand. A monument of sorts a reminder of where I was, how far I got and how stuck I am destined to live until the end of time, yes, it started out as one of them days.
I continued down the road, cars passing me by, hands in my pockets, I felt around my right pocket, “Yes!” there was a couple of rumpled ones. I was immediately relieved, the day was hot and my walk was just beginning, I had enough to get a big bottle of water and a small bag of some salty chips. The walk back home would give me enough time to sort out my feelings and enough time for the car driver to get his things gathered and be gone by the time I got there.
What went wrong? That would be the question that would never quite have the answer to satisfy me. Plenty had gone wrong, but ultimately I knew the ins and outs, I was in and he was out, of love. Sure there was love, but loving someone can only carry you so far, there must be that special in, and it was no longer there.
There was no longer a point for tears, which was so exhausting, and quite frankly pointless. I had to focus on what I would have to do to get on with life, to be able to once again get in a car and not have a consuming desire to open the door and throw myself out. I started to laugh again, I could see me tumbling out and I could see him looking at me fall out, defeat, no he had satisfaction. My gift was perfect, I had no intention of providing that gift, it just happened to fall perfectly on his lap.
Just one of them days, with the blue skies, and the white clouds, with a mild breeze blowing, trees at a standstill, yeah one of them days.