Closing out 2018…

So I did my end of the year post in Spanish yesterday…for some reason when I was thinking about it the thoughts only came to me in Spanish….I tried to think of why my mind was blocking English thought, no answers, for the record I think mostly in English, my dreams (from what I can remember of them) are also in English….anywho….I was reflecting on friendships, the loss of friends whether through just life events, choice, circumstance or whatever the cause…some of those losses I have felt deeply while others were inconsequential….I have a hard time trusting anyone to be a part of my small world, the people I do let in my world get to know me…(not the whole of me, for that I am not now or never will be able to fully trust any one individual to know that much about me). In some ways my world is getting smaller….that part is by choice….and just like yesterdays post I once again lost my train of thought….I suppose to surmise where all this gobbledygook is going is that in some way I am mourning the losses of 2018. And while I was attempting to gather my thoughts I came across this:123118

Angel

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Sad how I got the news, an FB message, then confirmation when another family member posted about the loss….we were so close at one point…actually during several different times throughout our lives. This “Angel” was there for me when I had boy # 2, she went ridiculously overboard in setting up a spot for him. I didn’t even have all that she had in her “nursery” for my own kid. But she was happy to do it and I was comforted with the knowledge that my #2 would be well taken care of. We watched each others kids…this was my auntie, but our kids were close in age even if we weren’t. She was my partner in crime when I was a big fat 9 months pregnant after a 75 pound weight gain and needing to “nest”….she wasn’t the sensible type to dissuade me from my craziness….I needed to move all my furniture….which I singlehandedly did at 9 months pregnant…I needed to go shopping for a crib…and other crap…she just went along with me…then we would go eat…we were always going out to eat…I’d let her order first…she always ordered more than she was going to eat…I’d help her make “her” choices of stuff I wanted to eat…all the while knowing she’d have one bite and be done..then it would all be mine….so many stories…so many tears.

It’s been a while…a long while….update in order….

So much has happened and this update will be disjointed….

Loss….we are still reeling from our losses…I know I am, some that took me by surprise…or rather the reactions to said losses shook me up. Friend, aunt, grandmother, father….we are still assimilating and will be for a good while, you think you close a chapter and finish that book…only to find a sequel to get you going again. I hate that my kids have to go through these upheavals…nothing has broken me in so long than not being able to comfort my son over such a devastating loss. I’m used to loss, it is one of the reasons I don’t form attachments….any who….yeah….that currently is the big one sucking big fat purple monkey balls….puts trivial shit into perspective…like some fucktard asshat getting all territorial about public places I should be thinking of venturing in….I could kick my ass for replying to a juvenile email regarding previously stated nonsense. (Yes, a good bitching and venting seems to be in order)

Another school year is also coming to an end, with that…another son leaving, but we will have a new face taking his place….changes, so many changes….soon it will be time to sell and move on….actually I’m still selling, by the time the last one leaves I want all my furniture gone, I don’t yet know where I am going but I do know I don’t need all the crap I have accumulated.

As I’m typing away I also find that while in my head I still have a lot to say, I have also lost my desire to write…..this may be the end….

Bittersweet Part II~

Amando Cantu
Amando Cantu

I still remember the last visit; the immense pain I was under….Dr couldn’t diagnose me, refused to even consider it could be heart issues….history said otherwise, but the age I was at the time was enough to dismiss the complaints….still it wasn’t about me…I enjoyed the visit, it was a short visit, he complained about not feeling good…I tried to convince him to get checked out…I had nitroglycerin pills and mentioned that maybe he should get his heart checked…no…that was his response, after all the company he worked for at the time had required a complete physical for insurance purposes and he was given an all clear….at least that is what he told me…I just had a heavy feeling in my heart, but I also had immense pain…hence the nitroglycerin pills….nevertheless he cut his visit short, I didn’t argue, they left, and I went straight to the hospital to do additional stress tests, EKG readings a gamut of tests…and no relief…I could hear them laughing at me…they weren’t taking me serious….I got up and left….nobody stopped me…and I think about it now…I don’t recall an ER bill….anyhow…I stayed with the nitroglycerin pills, the side effect was severe headaches…so it was either chest pain or headache….some days it was both…a couple of days after they left as I stood at my job, behind the counter….the phone rang…a cousin of mine was on the phone….”your dad was taken in an ambulance, he wasn’t responding” What??? “I’ll call you back, but I think he is dead”….just like that…no hello cuz, how are you, sit down, I have bad news….just like that…and the line went dead…..and I stood there…..and I fell apart….and there were people in front of me…and I am at a loss, I am a crying, shaking mess, and I have walls, nowhere to turn, no one to take over for me….and the people looking at me…like what the fuck is wrong with her….and I bawled….and I couldn’t think…and I went on automatic…my ex happened to come in and in that instant he came through…he didn’t know what was wrong, I couldn’t find the words, I couldn’t make the words come out of my mouth…they were there….but they didn’t come out…tears, many tears, only tears, and I shook, my body shook, I convulsed, I fell apart….my world….dead….the one person, the only person I had, the only person I could talk to, gone…”I think he is dead”…in my heart….I knew…he was dead…how….why….when I heard ambulance….he wasn’t supposed to be the one…she should have been the one….but it wasn’t to be that way….the shock….how, why…but in my pain, with my pain…I knew….and I knew my world as I knew it, was now over….our family as fractured as it was, was only held together by him…most families…are held together by mothers, ours was held together by my father…now what…so many questions, but all I could think of was my daddy is gone, he is gone, who will protect me now….who will I turn to….I knew then…there would never be anyone to take his place….the trust for another person…gone….over several state lines, we drove, me so young still, a new mother, an unprepared wife, my baby, my daddy’s first grandson….and man he was so proud….he was so disappointed when my life took the course it took, I steered my life on my own in every wrong direction I could possibly take it on…and I left him with no choice, I left him with no say in the matter…he knew he raised me to be as stubborn as I am now, as strong as I am now, but he knew my weaknesses…he held me when I needed it…he talked to me when I needed it, he knew I was making mistakes, but he knew he instilled a strong sense of pride….and he knew even he would not win a battle with me…I am my father’s daughter…..and while he had many faults, faults he passed on to me…he was my daddy and he could do no wrong…and I was a daddy’s girl and I could do no wrong….but I did do wrong, time and again, and he loved me still…and he was witness to the evil that was in me, he listened to me and he held me and he didn’t need to say anything to me, just listen…I was to carry the darkness and the evil thoughts with me for many more years to come…he heard it all….it broke his heart, years later I can still see the pain I caused him….daddy’s little girl, a ball of fury, anger and pure evil….and those thoughts…well they were spilt and shared and most of that is gone….he took a big part of me with him…..and still now……when I am alone…in the darkness….when I am by myself….I cry for him….uncontrollable gut wrenching pain and loneliness, an emptiness that will never be filled…my daddy’s love will never be replaced….my pain and my sense of loss does make me hurt for my sons….do they feel the loss of their dad….do they hurt….do they shed tears in private….if they do…it is a secret they hide….and I respect that…I don’t intend to invite any intrusion into my pain….it is my own…and as a selfish little girl…I’m not sharing it…the little girl that was then is no more….maybe a small part peeks out every once in a while….but the pain, the loneliness, the lost and hurt little girl….well she is all mine…and I’m not sharing her….along with the traces of the bad evil person she grew up to be….she stays at a safe distance….and the pain…I can’t make it stop….and the date has new significance…but it also lost a part of the good…so the hurt, the bad, it all is there…..and soon…..very soon…it’ll be back…and how does one commemorate a passing….there isn’t a suitable way to do it….publicly one can honor such a passing with a memorial….it is something that may or may not come up for discussion with my brothers….when we buried him….we said goodbye to a body in a box….to honor him, there is a place in the ground where the box rests….and at this place I am always confronted with images I care not to take with me…I can go there….but I don’t feel that I need to go there…I carry him in my heart and in my mind….my memories which are fading….and how do I reconcile the fading memories….21 years….and the memories on some days are so crisp, so vivid…then on some days…try as I might…nothing….an emptiness….a loss and then tears…I don’t want to say goodbye….but a long time ago…the goodbye was said….it was when he left…in hindsight…I knew…I knew…I just knew…something wasn’t right…but in my own immense pain…I was at a loss…and I thought…did it hurt? I hope not….my heart for days was a crushing ball of searing pain…and nothing would make the pain go away…and for at least a year before he died…my pain was there, and it was real and it was mine…and for years after he died…I had immense pain…searing pain…pain that needed to be medicated away…and then years later, many years later….it was gone….but the pain in my heart, the pain that will never go away, the sense of loss….immense loss….that will never go away….

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