Having a moment~

I thought I would try an early bedtime…so I went to bed decidedly early. I read a few chapters and then turned off my lamp, pulled the covers over my head and dozed off. Bliss lasted for too short a time, I have a million thoughts racing through my head, my heart racing a million miles a minute. A full-fledged anxiety attack struck me. I hate those, I hate being alone when that happens. But such is life, being single has its perks, but it also has its downsides. Nobody to be there for any of the good, the bad or the ugly. I wouldn’t trade my status for comfort, I’ll find my comfort without jeopardizing my freedom….but loneliness still sucks, and the anxiety still sucks. I actually turned my TV on in my bedroom, I hadn’t watched TV in my room in quite a long time, but I need the noise to drown out some of my thoughts.

I am missing my baby, my oldest…I’ll call him later today, at a more decent time. If I manage to get any sleep I will try to go and get my car trip checked and fill up my tank and get it washed, it has been parked for a couple of months now and it needs to be driven….and loved.

I baked a chicken, rice, broccoli casserole yesterday, loved the crust, it turned out so crispy and cheesy, Boy # 3 didn’t care for the top, so that means I’ll be eating the crust.

I’m watching Lopez Tonight, I love George Lopez, but I have not been a loyal watcher…yes, I’m rambling….

I am in a frazzled state of mind, disconnected, maybe a tad depressed….and I can’t keep self medicating…my belly feels like it wants to blow, I’ve been eating way too much. Yet I have more plans to cook and eat…what a vicious cycle. 

I wish I had someone to share my thoughts with, but there are some thoughts I am never going to share, so this statement is crap. I will never trust anyone else ever again to share some of my innermost feelings and thoughts…it just is what it is…

I need a hug~

Monday randomness~ chaos & me

Everything in my head is upside down, inside out, up and down, here and there…once again reading is presenting a challenge, I hate when that happens.

I noticed the other day that I have been feeling more grown up.  And as I quickly approach 42yrs old I realized I can’t have this feeling of being a kid with all these heavy grown up responsibilities, anymore.  I think I am on my way to being a fully fledged adult.  DAMN, when did this happen?  Next stop, old hagsville where I shake my broom stick at the noisy, annoying kids in the next room.  Oh wait, I have always done that.  At least for their sake, I am getting slower in my old age.

For the last few weeks, I have had an internal struggle going on.  I can’t put my finger exactly on what is bothering me, at least not on one sole individual pet peeve, more like a zoo of manmade inbred freaks but not enough circus tent to house the chaos….but I feel that it has finally caught up with me.  My brain is a mess and I can’t seem to float to the top and figure it all out.  I do know that it is manifesting itself in a surly attitude…I know that my attitude most times is no Ms Sunshine as a matter of fact, I think I shoved her in a closet and there she still sits….and she keeps messing with the order I had tried establishing in said closet…like I had my shoes all organized in boxes and what not, now they are back out of the boxes and I’m thinking maybe life would be better as a man…I could own two pair of shoes and life would flow on the right path….however, I can’t seem to part with my shoes and  I don’t have that air of sarcasm or slight humor behind me right now. ..

So if you see me and I tell you to go have your way with yourself, you know I mean it. 

I seriously considering telling all the idiots who feel like calling and playing the small talk card that I hope they slide down a peroxide laden pole with a raging fresh cut on their ass. 

Life should be great…but it isn’t…I look around and the same stuff that has been here since a year or two or three or ten years ago are still here….I think this funk is my seasonal affliction…is there a train going to Crazyville?

It’s a long road back~

not yet a tragedy~

I was trying to sleep, didn’t happen…so I got out of bed and picked up a book, read about 250 pages and tried for sleep again, nope, didn’t happen. Again I rolled out of bed and picked up the book and finished the last 200 pages and thought to myself, “self, try again”. so I went back to bed once again to try for some sleep. Didn’t work, shuffled over to my bookcase and selected another book and read about 197 pages and thought to myself, “self, try again”….and again sleep eludes me. But my eyes are tired of reading and my left hand got tired of holding a book as my right hand was used to furiously page through it. I finally decided to forgo the thought of sleep and shuffled back into the kitchen and got my pot of coffee going, I moved things around the counter as my one cup brewed, and when it was done brewing I poured the hot steaming substance into my cup, which incidentally has a new bigger chip on the rim. It is still a keeper. I won’t rid myself of it anytime soon…unless I rip my lip off…even then I may still keep it, it is part of a set….

I’ve received a few emails expressing concern as to where I’ve been and my neglected blog. The answer is quite complicated. I’ve been to some dark places and visited dark souls and have had more darkness deposited on me than I had to begin with. But ever the trooper that I am, I embrace the darkness and make it a part of who I will one day be. I am well, I have been better and the discovery of this long dark and lonely road I am on will either make me or break me. I highly suspect it will make me…not quite sure if that’s good or bad…and what the outcome will be.

road of my travels~

I am off to read through the many emails that I have, reply to family as they take priority and if I manage to get some sleep later on I will tackle returning phone calls.

Thank you all for your care and concern, if indeed you care and were concerned, if you are here just reading to read between the lines and see things that aren’t really what you think they are, I thank you as well.

Let me tell you about her~

She is not just alone, but she is also lonely.

She is a solitary figure enshrouded in mystery.

She occasionally speaks to friends, the few that are left.

She gave most of them up…for all the wrong reasons.

She realizes she is a stranger to most that think they know her.

She sits in the dark, curtains drawn shut, doors closed.

She invites you to get to know her.


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