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Posts Tagged ‘life’

So it took some walking on the ledge for months but I finally got the ball rolling on a few things…I suffer from severe embarrassingly debilitating anxiety over the dumbest things…but I have learned (or am still learning) to deal with these issues. I don’t have anyone to hold my hand (yes, I have friends who offer, but that’s not helpful to me, sorry, not sorry). it takes me a while but I get things done…all the while creating other issues that will eventually need attention….what a vicious cycle I make myself go through…lol. But I am getting the needed repairs to my house, the morning rain may put a pause on the remaining work, we shall see…once this is complete I can move forward on other projects….

Now on to the other shtuff…

I have posted a few things on social media and received PM’s about the meme’s I have posted and I don’t mean any of them to one individual person, sheesh…but some have taken them personally and are affronted…I hate having to soothe ruffled feathers and reassure someone that no, it’s not you…to the point where I end up blowing up and just saying yes, you win, it is about you…so aggravating…..yet again very telling as to what they may be up tp and where they see themselves wearing the shoes…hey if they fit, put them on, wear them, run in them…far away…please…I don’t always have the patience to sugarcoat shit where it is not needed…rant over…I think….at least for now.

Other ramblings…I enjoyed a nice quiet weekend, it was a hit and miss with one of my favorite peeps, but we will make it happen soon…I also went to Dillard’s and did a little shopping, I have been carrying a gift card for 2+ years and I still haven’t managed to spend all the money on it….and I thought yesterday was going to be the day, but my math skills really suck…lol…so until the next 40% off clearance sale…I did score 3 items, a pair of Levi’s and 2 shirts….then back to la Casa.

Overall a nice chill weekend.

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I love the night shift and the daytime freedom it provides me…lately I have spent more time on my night audits and it is refreshing to discover that someone else can appreciate an esoteric parlance, albeit only in writing, but it sure makes for interesting reading. Due to the nature of most of our clients we are reminded to keep to a nondescript style of writing….well that has taken a life of its own and most case notes could be just copied and inserted in each individual file as they all sound the same, but then there is Ms. HR, gotta love her colorful use of language and the kicker is that she uses it in the correct context…anywho…enough of that…

I’d be lying if I didn’t admit to feeling like I am dying…I took it upon myself to get or try to get the yard work done…well got the front done (except for the weed eating) and then I half assed the backyard…my body just gave out. consequently I am still paying for it…I don’t feel like I can even ask my # 2 to help…and I surely cannot afford to pay someone to come and do it….so buttercup sucks it up….by the time I recover I’ll be repeating the process as the rain has kick started the growth….and from a distance it looks okay…and I feel like I haven’t uttered the words enough…but here goes, I hate my body, I hate that it betrays me, that on the outside to anyone looking at me I look the picture of health…far from it, I have a useless piece of shit carcass to drag around and it’s only going to get worse…and pity party over….

that’s all I’s got…

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Goodbyes are not always easy…some goodbyes are meant more like a see ya later…some are more final…I’ve got a few final goodbyes under my belt…and not the ones where someone physically died, they just became dead to me…whether thru negative actions on their part…or mine…(I’m no angel after all) anywho…as of late I have another one…not because of anything catastrophically or inherently beyond reason…but it just worked itself into that…the saying of water under the bridge applies in many instances, I do have a forgiving nature, I am easy going…for the most part…but in other areas I am unyielding, unbending and allow things to get to a point that there is no turning back…so with that being said….yup, water under the bridge….nothing to forgive and no regrets…but……..I’ve learned thru the years that we don’t always know what the water carries and it’s best to take a step back and not wallow in the muck…h20

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Without realizing what time it was or how time just crept up on me I saw that it was 2am…so I said to myself…”self…go to bed”…so I did…not sure why I even bothered…no sleep has been had…I tried…and I actually did sleep…for maybe 17 minutes, it was good sleep too, and it felt like enough sleep because next thing I was wide awake…I finally gave up all the tossing and turning and just got up…I really haven’t done anything productive, couldn’t read…well I could, just not the book I started on…just read random, mindless crap…nothing educational…so yeah just a waste of time…but even that didn’t hold my interest…then I decided to go car battery shopping…but I saw that if I ordered it online I would have to go in person to pick it up instead of sending D to go pick it up…the battery is for him, for my car and I thought I’d do at least one productive thing…strike one…then I thought…hey have some coffee…so I did…I made a cup…and I like my coffee strong, but I totally miscalculated. the shit I made was shit…even for my standards…way too strong. blacker than the night…strike two…so I indulged in a do over and made another cup…still strong but not so thick and bitter…now I’m thinking maybe a hot relaxing bubble bath…maybe some candles and some soothing music…then I was already doing some forward thinking…soup!!! Chicken soup to be exact…the weather is perfect for soup…or a chicken pot pie….and I’m not even hungry but I’m thinking of food…and I also have to get a letter out to my tater, he will be happy to see pictures of Makenzy…that girl is spoiled and very much loved….and I’m out…100_5202 (2)

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Stolen car….with brand new car seat for the princess….buh-bye $125+…car recovered…TORCHED, sadly the thieving fucker was not torched in the vehicle…yeah I know it’s a little harsh…and actually a good thing the thieving fucker didn’t get injured or injure anyone else while he was having fun in the stolen car.

My truck is broken, not sure what is wrong with it….it’s not the battery…she needs attention…finances, weather and time permitting.

My car is acting sick, got filters and belts for it….still need to get them installed….finances, weather and time permitting.

Still have a hole on the side of the house where the beginnings of a plumbing job was started….still a work in progress…will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.

Roof leaking….will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.

Leak in laundry room….will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.

and the list goes on and on….all with the same old tired refrain…will get to it too…finances, weather and time permitting.

Through all this I have been getting help from friends….as far as the labor goes….that in turn allows me to pay it forward in kind. I’ve informally adopted an elderly gent and a kidlet. I just don’t have the physical stamina to do more than I already do…when I do overextend myself I feel like my entire Mexican family got their pointy fence jumping boots on and kicked the shit out of me, took a 5 minute break and then kicked me some more….
mexican_pointy_boots8

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It’s been a long time since I came here to upload some nonsense….life has kept me busy….my insomnia hasn’t improved, probably never will, at least not without medical intervention or pharmacuetical intervention….I’d rather not go that route….anywho I am a little chilled right now, it is 38 degrees right now and my feet are cold…I’ve had my coffee…some toasted ameretto I picked up…it is subtly nutty…I LIKE!!!

After finally resolving my housing situation I’ve been working on home improvement projects, changing out doors, new locks, painting and hopefully today while I am at work my yard will get tended to. I’ve got more weeds and stickers and the whole yard needs to be redone….also on the list…floor restoration….at least that is my hope….to restore my hardwood floors, and tile some rooms. I am so tired of the carpet…there is only one spot…thanks to number 2, but otherwise no spots, but a very much visible path of heavy foot traffic. So tired of looking at it.

Almost time for me to start getting ready for work….my back is killing me…I feel officially old….I am now feeling the changes in temperature….that has eluded me for years, people would ask if I could feel the upcoming cold weather…well damn it, I can now…and I fucking hate it.

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What? Yeah…..some trends that have been growing exponentially….on Facebook most days I feel like I don’t know the place anymore….I used to enjoy my drop-ins and contributions to make someone smile or think….nowI feel like I accidentally stumbled back in time and I’m in church….the Church of Facebook….where there are all sorts of condemnations…..or back when I’d drop in at the town’s local pancake and coffee shop and the old timers would get into heated discussions over politics….***SIGH**** I do miss the old Facebook….I know some of the going ons are trends, the pet posting, the trout pout pics, etc, etc….anywho I’ll stop bitching about that….

Day off from job 1, so much to do and waiting on motivation, savoring my coffee…still doing laundry, have ironing to do, clothes to put away,a vacuum to run, a list of things I want to put together and photograph and hopefully sell, if not off to freecycle. I also have to try to finish my haircut….I can get one side just right or close enough to where it does what I want to, but I get challenged with the other side, I’ll eventually get it to where I’m okay with it or where I give up and let it grow out again.

My cup is almost dry…so I’ll be wrapping things up, shower, haircut, ironing station setup, may watch a movie while I do that….then I’m hoping for a nap before I go to job 2…..I want to enter a drawing for maid service for a year….and win….where do I sign up????

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