I took off for the weekend to one of my favorite places to spend time with some of my favorite people and while it was a nice visit I am still paying for it…I left right after work, made pretty good time, arrived at my destination, unloaded my car and then took off to check out a thrift store a few miles down the road, I piddled around and returned….after a while I made it out again to join my brother in picking up a few provisions for the weekend. We did the usual, visit, share laughter and then made it to bed….then HOLY FUCK…I woke up in so much pain, when I did make it downstairs it was quite apparent to the family as to how bad it was…I wanted to come back home, I didn’t want them to see me like that…I simply did not have the strength to get back home. Saturday I didn’t even step out the door…much of it is a blur due to the energy I expended in trying to function…I am still expending that energy to get by. I hate it. FML doesn’t even cover it. This week is closer to the weekend, yay….my weekend will be more recovery…I think of my friends who have it so much worse and can’t even get out of bed…I don’t want to be the whiney, bitchy old bitter lady I am becoming…there is a way out with dignity, the time will come to explore those options. Pity party over.
I can’t move….I hate this, so minimal movement until this subsides, I have medicated myself and placed myself in a position where everything I might need is within reach….except the pot. not the smoking kind, but the one you piss in…maybe if I had the other….hmmm…when will this end…and what the fuck is the point, I don’t even have the energy for an internal debate…I just want to crawl in a corner and die…but fuck I can’t even crawl…sucks to be me…and that there concludes my pity party.
I’ve pending research to tend to…and then shuffle my ass to bed where I hope to pass out until I go to work.
My time in this place I have called home for the last 17+ years is coming up….I feel like I’m done here, I have a strong desire to just be gone…I have until the end of next year. I want my youngest to not have the trauma of being uprooted his last year. But I have found it difficult to shop for a home in another city via the internet…just doing it here locally sucks…photos can be manipulated to give the impression that it is a good neighborhood, street views, interior and exterior shots….sigh….so I have made a decision that has sucked the life out of me and sent me into a depressive state. I’ve decided to stay. I have things to consider like logistics and expenses….due to my physical limitations I can’t have certain things…stairs, big yards…which I don’t need. I just need a small space. I am already slowly packing stuff up…taking pictures off the wall. Packing up dishes and thinking of just giving everything away….I hate moving, I hate asking people to help…even if those people are my own kids. I hate not having the physical strength to do it on my own. I don’t need a lot of the things I have accumulated over the years….my biggest collections that mean anything are my books and clothes….and of course all the photos of the kids and a few keepsakes….but that is still a lot of crap. I’ve been dismantling my library….giving books away as soon as I am done….I’ll be using towels to keep breakables from breaking….my son is bringing me boxes so I can start….small boxes that I can manage…by the end I’ll probably have 20,000+ boxes….but they’ll be manageable….but I’ll be trying to sell 2 dining tables, sofa, loveseat, bookcases….and I’m sure a ton of other crap. This next chapter of my life will be just me….there have been some relationships with family that will never be recovered and while sad I also realize that I’m better off without the negativity…I have my own negativity to deal with…don’t need anyone else’s…wah…I’m off to have me a pity party….
Thoughts running through my head…thinking of my friend T and the ordeal she is undergoing….hating that there is not a thing I can do for her. Knowing she is in a hospital, knowing how much hospitals suck….knowing too much and not knowing enough. Life can suck. MzT…you are in my thoughts…and no prayers here. Love ya!
Thankfully I’m not there yet….but soon we may be….today was an eye opener for things to come. Having no medical insurance and a job that doesn’t have enough hours to keep me from worrying about how to make ends meet….no hope of getting insurance anytime soon either….oh well….enough stressing that…wish I was sitting on the pot of gold some think I sit on….instead I just sit on my ass….which doesn’t produce gold either…..today has been a busy day….running back and forth, well not running, I still can’t run, I do okay just walking…but picking sick child up from school, driving to dr, driving to pharmacy, dropping boy off at school, going by pharmacy to pick up prescriptions…having a mild cardiac incident, driving home, driving back to pharmacy, doing laundry, cleaning, getting grub prepped for dinner, folding laundry, putting things in dryer, taking things out….sigh…a mother’s job is never done….but I will reap the rewards….
Well off to finish off my womanly neverendingchores… 🙂