Anxiety…I loathe you…

Feeling anxious, frustratingly I cannot put my finger on what is bugging me…I don’t stress about work, or my kids, I have the everyday mom worries about my babies, but I know they are well…I started a new book last night, I tried reading today…my mind refuses to track, so I end p reading the same thing over and over and all I see is words jumbled, so forget reading…I have been up since about 10pm last night…went to work, and came home…no nap, no baby girl…have a holiday weekend coming up and my shift covered for Friday and I can’t even come up with any getaway ideas…I think I will give my book another good try and if that doesn’t work I will grab a different book….not feeling sleepy and too late to try to take anything to help me sleep…sigh….I think this is enough blabbering for today….

Insomnia…you bastard…

Without realizing what time it was or how time just crept up on me I saw that it was 2am…so I said to myself…”self…go to bed”…so I did…not sure why I even bothered…no sleep has been had…I tried…and I actually did sleep…for maybe 17 minutes, it was good sleep too, and it felt like enough sleep because next thing I was wide awake…I finally gave up all the tossing and turning and just got up…I really haven’t done anything productive, couldn’t read…well I could, just not the book I started on…just read random, mindless crap…nothing educational…so yeah just a waste of time…but even that didn’t hold my interest…then I decided to go car battery shopping…but I saw that if I ordered it online I would have to go in person to pick it up instead of sending D to go pick it up…the battery is for him, for my car and I thought I’d do at least one productive thing…strike one…then I thought…hey have some coffee…so I did…I made a cup…and I like my coffee strong, but I totally miscalculated. the shit I made was shit…even for my standards…way too strong. blacker than the night…strike two…so I indulged in a do over and made another cup…still strong but not so thick and bitter…now I’m thinking maybe a hot relaxing bubble bath…maybe some candles and some soothing music…then I was already doing some forward thinking…soup!!! Chicken soup to be exact…the weather is perfect for soup…or a chicken pot pie….and I’m not even hungry but I’m thinking of food…and I also have to get a letter out to my tater, he will be happy to see pictures of Makenzy…that girl is spoiled and very much loved….and I’m out…100_5202 (2)


So many annoyances….

I(idiot…no not me…but yeah, sometimes I can be) Why don’t you believe?
R(me) Why do you?
I-I was raised Catholic
R-That’s all you got?
I-yes, I was raised in the church and that’s what my parents taught me.
R-Sounds like indoctrination
I-No, it was how I was raised
R-again, Sounds like indoctrination
R-yeah, that’s what I thought….you are basically telling me that you only believe because you were told to, taught to, take your pick, me, I just formed my own thoughts and opinions, and they may be wrong, but at least I’m formulating my own thoughts and not espousing someone else’s views that are just passed on generationally.
R-no bible thumping please, I had my fill from one idiot (or two) to last me a lifetime.


I have simple criteria….that means 3 basic things have to be met before I consider a date…
1. Must have a job
2. Must have transportaion (preferably your own)
3. Must not live with mommy

I’m not looking for a boyfriend (I’m too old for that) I don’t need, like or want a needy, insecure and clingy asshat. Don’t call me, then call me back 15 minutes later and tell me you’ve missed me. Then whine that I don’t like you or ever say I miss you. Hello…you need to give me time to miss you…so go away…stay away…be gone for a week…or two…or even three….I can’t stand a needy person.

Never ending home repairs…sigh…enough said…

and insomnia….I hate insomnia…gives me too much time to think about this shit that annoys me…but I have to keep it in because if I tell the asshats and idiots how I really feel they get butt hurt…I just can’t find it in me to give a shit sometimes….I know…breathe…and type…bitch or blow….now time to go make me some coffee and get ready for work. Happy Monday to me.asshat

Where does the time go….

It’s been a long time since I came here to upload some nonsense….life has kept me busy….my insomnia hasn’t improved, probably never will, at least not without medical intervention or pharmacuetical intervention….I’d rather not go that route….anywho I am a little chilled right now, it is 38 degrees right now and my feet are cold…I’ve had my coffee…some toasted ameretto I picked up…it is subtly nutty…I LIKE!!!

After finally resolving my housing situation I’ve been working on home improvement projects, changing out doors, new locks, painting and hopefully today while I am at work my yard will get tended to. I’ve got more weeds and stickers and the whole yard needs to be redone….also on the list…floor restoration….at least that is my hope….to restore my hardwood floors, and tile some rooms. I am so tired of the carpet…there is only one spot…thanks to number 2, but otherwise no spots, but a very much visible path of heavy foot traffic. So tired of looking at it.

Almost time for me to start getting ready for work….my back is killing me…I feel officially old….I am now feeling the changes in temperature….that has eluded me for years, people would ask if I could feel the upcoming cold weather…well damn it, I can now…and I fucking hate it.

Give it up~

When you try as hard as you can, to do what you think is right and all you get is that same old cold shoulder, when you do all you can and all that’s left is to give it up all you can do is turn it loose.

Such a convoluted thought, then again I’m currently medicated so everything coming out of my head is jumbled up. Took two Norco’s, Doxepin, and Mobic, pain pills, sleeping pill and a muscle relaxer. I’m hoping something works, it’s got to. Actually part of my face is feeling numb, that’s a good sign right? Maybe the rest of me gets to feeling numb soon. My fingers aren’t working all that great, I keep having to correct typo’s, so if I miss any blame the drugs….pain or lack of sleep, or blame it on all…I know how to spell, but I’m feeling a bit dyslexic and dexterically challenged…and yes, I think I just sorta made up that word….but it derived from dexterity, so there…blow me.

So anyways, this whole financial situation I’m in has led me down a dark path…I’ve signed on to do something that I never thought I would do…it isn’t illegal so I will be able to sleep at night, (ha, insert crazed laughter here, that will only happen if the meds kick in) but I do have kids to feed and shelter, tough times, tough choices….but in the end I’ll have a story to tell…that’s if I don’t end up dead before I can tell the story.

Nothing takes the place of __________(fill in the blank) I feel the __________, without _________nothing is the same. Oh my _________, I am so ____________because nothing takes the place of ______________.

I missed boy # 3’s parade today, tomorrow he has another event he will participate in, I don’t know if I’ll make it to that, due to aforementioned dark path.

I’m experiencing dry mouth, if only I had some wet stuff, other than water, which I am already imbibing, then my mouth would be wetter and perhaps the meds would kick in quicker.

You know those ghosts from the past…well I had another pop into my life….it is quite strange, one day you hear from someone you tried to forget, and quite honestly I had almost forgotten said ghost….ALMOST, there were mere thoughts in passing but for the most part not even much of a blip on my radar screen. But then nothing, no follow-up. Not sure what is up with that, part of me is curious, part of me feels ghosts should stay ghosts…but I’m patient…not that I have options.

I got three new books today, well new to me, I hadn’t thought of adding to my library in a while, but I think I’m ready to see if there are readers out there ready to give up some of their books. I have a book I’ve been reading on and off for a few days. The last couple of books I’ve picked up haven’t captivated my attention…but I’m trying to finish what I start. Nothing sucks worse than reading a couple hundred pages and then giving up with only a couple hundred more pages to go…but I’ve got a few books I’ve given up midway to halfway through.

This week has been a week of old favorite shows coming back on, NCIS, Criminal Minds, Body of Proof, Hawaii Five-0, Harry’s Law and a few new shows I may check out. I haven’t watched any yet, saving them for the weekend…as that is when there is nothing good on and the boys like some of those shows and I enjoy my time with them being couch potatoes.

Well I think I’ve talked long enough to myself….maybe soon I will doze off….I can only hope………..

Contradictory much???????

Good things~

Woke up feeling good, mind you that I didn’t get much sleep and that the sleeplessness was due to not being able to get into a pain-free position. Pain my new best friend. I have decided to treat the pain kindly, no more cussing it out. It has been way too long since I have woken up with a positive attitude, and it feels good. 

Had an early appointment this AM, have another this PM, the early one went well, got good news there, hoping the second one yields the same results.

Getting a new central A/C installed, the old one was well, old, very old. My belly is hungry, but I’m sorta kinda trapped in my room as the installers are right outside my door with all their equipment.

Oh and on another happy note, the grass is trying to be grass again, the much-needed rain perked it up a bit. I still need to get out there and clean up the yard a bit, branches and trash, leaves and old pecans. Maybe this evening if the pain doesn’t intensify.

Thar She Blows~

I tried keeping our insurance, (thanks for nothing HUMANA) but food and other necessities (such as electricity, water, mortgage, etc) trump healthcare coverage. So I paid out the ASS for this stupid policy only to have to not just cover the higher copays, but also 100% of my doctor visits, exams, lab work, x-rays and prescriptions, mind you everything was in-network. So basically I paid out the ASS to carry around 3 useless insurance cards. I’m trying to not do the math because it pisses me off and then I start bawling and turn into a blubbering mess in my bedroom with the door locked so the kids don’t have to see/hear me. What I paid for useless insurance coverage would have taken care of all the school supplies, new school clothes and maybe even a frivolous steak or two.

Thank you dear blog of mine for your great eyes and ears, you bear witness to my struggles, my loneliness, my joys, my happiness, my nonsense, my drivel, my randomness and my life. I don’t ask much of you and I appreciate that you let me vent. (Because you are mine.)

I have something else to bitch about…a virus, not the kind that makes one sick, unless one is a formerly cute little Dell Mini….a virus has rendered my Dell Mini useless and I just don’t have the $$ to fix you right now, so I will bury you in your coffin until I can take you to the doctor. Because children needing physicals for school take precedence over you, you get to lay in wake for a while. RIP for now little red friend of mine.

I need sleep, so if anything sounds stupid…I blame the bitch called insomnia, she isn’t letting me have my way with my pillows and covers. I hate her. I’m not even sure she is a she, but I don’t want to hear anyone bitching or whining about me being a man hater if I get to calling insomnia an asshole.

The bitch is back~

By bitch I mean insomnia…not that she ever truly left me, she likes to stick close to me like a needy child….not that I really know what a needy child is like anymore…seems I’ve done okay in making my boys independent, they are away from me and having a great time…or at least that is what they lead me to believe. I’ve started another book but keep losing focus as I try to read it….eventually I’ll get that trilogy read and shelved. I’ve been keeping myself busy with random projects around here…might as well be productive if I can’t sleep…though I must admit I am not quite motivated to put my laundry away…it’s folded and neatly stacked just need to get it put away…or just leave it where it is and keep wearing the same old stuff…it’s really whatever with this damned heat I am not inclined to really bother with any of it, not that my old bday suit offers me a reprieve from the heat. There is nothing worse than breaking out into a sweat while doing nothing. How the hell is that possible. Sheesh….

I had a lunch date yesterday, well sorta, it was one of those where I didn’t bother getting ready for it because this particular person has a habit of issuing out invites and not following through, not even a call back to cancel. It’s whatever….see that’s my new attitude…it’s whatever…and it fits so many situations. I’m putting value on my time and myself, so yeah it’s whatever if someone just doesn’t think I’m worthy of their time…they probably aren’t worthy of my time either I just don’t dwell on it much, except right now that I brought it up…but yeah it’s whatever. I can already hear other unoriginal peeps stealing my new attitude…but guess what? it’s whatever….hehe.


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