Peevish…

facesscalepain I am so over the going over my history….medical history that is…I know on the outside it all looks hunky dory…having chronic pain gets old…the mask that we learn to wear takes its toll…one would be surprised at the amount of effort involved in pulling that off….that smile…it hides a grimace…sometimes…at best it would, at worst…well I’ve been told I look mad, pissed, tired….etc…I’m tired of “looking”….what the hell am I supposed to look like? What are any of us supposed to look like…I don’t want to look like “I’m dying”….even though at times the pain is unbearable…my coping mechanisms are different…sometimes I “barrel” through it….in my world it means something different than what it would for a normal person…but sometimes I just have to punishingly plug away with mundane tasks…to take my mind off of the pain….but it tends to backfire….I want what I’ll never in my lifetime get….a pain free day…it’s kinda like with my insomnia…I’ll sleep when I’m dead…I’ll be pain free when I’m dead…I get annoyed with those that mean well…”pray” seriously? For what? there is no magical being out there that’s going to wave a magic wand and make the pain go away….there are those white coats that may “help” with their potions (drugs) but the reality is that I will be in pain for the rest of my life….different levels of it…on a good day…moderate….on a bad day…”FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOMMA TOO”….I get to where I hurt so much I can’t stand myself….I just want to be alone…nobody asking “what’s wrong?” “FUCK YOU” that’s what’s wrong….I know, I know, people mean well, friends mean well….but it really does get old….who wants to hear someone bitch and moan constantly about every little thing that hurts…or the same ole, same ole….I tried to google “What does pain look like?” I couldn’t find anything that could describe it, but I don’t recommend typing that in google…it was kind of revolting…pain apparently looks like pus filled lumps, bumps and hemorrhoids…..yup, hemorrhoids….like a visual of an asshole turned inside out is an adequate representation….I suppose next time someone asks me how I’m doing I’ll have it in the back of my head that I look like an inside out asshole……

this little light of mine…i’m gonna make it shine

More like this pain of mine…

This pain of mine is destroying my sanity…it isolates me, what is the essence of me…the “thing” I absolutely need  most to exist…to keep on existing…the “me” ness of me…I think it has taken my life force, my vitality and it sucked it out me. The core of my life, this pain just takes it all to feed off itself…it works on my hurts and weaknesses, my body as a whole just doesn’t exist as one, it’s divided into pieces…one piece feels alright, another piece feels foreign to me…and my brain just needs to shut down…so best to call it a night…maybe the outlook tomorrow will be brighter….this is not part of my pity party…this just is what it is….me rambling about nada…

Sometimes I’m first

Sometimes I’m the first one to cast aspersions on myself…beat them to the punch, hurts less, but it still hurts. I’m getting ahead of myself in thinking of resolutions…but things run through my head and I roll with it…that’s just how my mind works.

Caldo de pollo
Caldo de pollo

I’m hungry. I made a big pot of chicken noodle soup, I know the boys loved it as they each had two huge servings. I limited myself to one bowl and a slice of carrot cake…now I must fight the temptation to get out of bed and go reheat the leftovers. I’ll be having a salad tomorrow for lunch and tacos for supper. I’ve run out of ideas as to what to cook…hmmm…just had an idea…ropa vieja with rice…maybe day after tomorrow…ok…I better get off the subject of food.

I went through my jewelry boxes today, found a piece or two that had been gifted to me, I need to return those pieces or regift them. I also managed to misplace an earring, it probably fell under my bed, but I can’t get down on the floor to find it. I need to find it before I forget about it and suck it up with the vaccuum…..

That’s all I got for now….gonna go try to educate myself before I go to sleep.

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