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Today was the start of a new chapter….and boy what an eye opening chapter it is….did I bite more than I can chew…can I do this? So many questions now…but at the time when they were asking…”Do you have any questions? ” My mind was a blank….sometimes the more things change, the more they stay the same…I was going to go into this new thing with some excitement, some hope that I would be making a difference…now…not so sure…and just like I advised my number 3 to readjust his mindset…well I have to take my own advise and readjust mine…the idealism must go and it must be replaced with realistic expectations…and my feeling towards expectations has always been to keep my expectations low…or just not have any…that will help in not being disappointed….

The good thing about all this is that the other door to the other part of what I was doing is still open……and will be open for at least two weeks….I may need it to remain open…I hope not…I know how to put my big girl panties on and deal…I’ve been doing this like forever….on another note…I know there are quite a few job openings in Starr County….them thieving rat bastards made sure of that….what the fuck is wrong with people? But I do have to admire their genius on one level…they sure had quite a scheme going….just goes to show not all mesicans are stoopid….but eventually shit will catch up with ya….idiots….

I gots a headache…I’m thinking lack of food….

Word is my baby…the tator…is finally being released from the hostage situation he has been embroiled in….and he will be on his way to “A” school tomorrow…yay…

….and off I go to hunt up some entertainment…book or a movie….

step

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In 23 days boy # 2 will leave us. Today it hit me, and as I broke down, he broke down with me. We hugged for a good while and said I love you, love you back, love you more. And cried some more. I thought I was all cried out from yesterday. I had a bittersweet father’s day, me and my dead daddy. He has been gone for over 20 years, yesterday it was raw and I decided to cheer me up….I phoned in an order from Applebee’s, 2 for $20, one appetizer and two entrees. I fed my daddy very well, spicy boneless wings, chicken and shrimp with potatoes and a riblet basket with fries. I was quite miserable when I was done…..confession, I might have fed us too much. My belly still hurts. Dead people can’t really eat. I’m getting fat. I’ve gained over 10 pounds in 2 weeks time. Not done getting fat. Going away party for D will add more weight. SIGH***

 

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Random numbers, because names would just open up a can of worms….so I had this whole diatribe in my head and on paper…well no not paper, on WORD….it stemmed from a revelation in a conversation with # 89765432 which in turn had caused me to have an epiphany of ginormous proportions.

# 23453789 had once upon made some statements regarding the “sexes”…yes men and women….but from the conversation with # 89765432 I had come away realizing or piecing together some “character” flaws regarding # 23453789…then the bubble burst…or rather the dam did….and #23453789’s previous statement came back semi full circle….SIGH….

Friendships are hard, people are complicated, present company included. Sometimes being friendless is the best thing…so cheers to solitude and reflection…and HEB Creamy Creations Butter Pecan Ice Cream and books…about blood, guts, killing…and all that good stuff….oh and fucking too. But not fucking like you might think…more like mind fucking…I guess I shoulda just said mind fucking….so anywho my gang banged brain is off to do some relaxing reading….and put shit out of my head…..

FLUSH!

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Waiting for the meds to kick in…I hate this…probably won’t happen for a while…my back is seriously hurting…I don’t think I helped matters any with what I got into…aside from playing landscaper I had a couple of other shining moments of utter stupidity. Will I ever learn? Probably not…anytime I can push myself a bit further I go for it…I have an expiration date…or rather a “Best if Used By Date” and my body has surpassed it by a long shot….I’m still kicking…or shuffling…can’t really kick…wish I could but I’m afraid of exerting any effort….

I’m hungry…

The dust has not settled yet…oops I’m off on another tangent…best stop now….

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…and disengage….and re-engage in other areas…today was somewhat productive, got laundry done (some, not all, as laundry is one of those damn pesky never-ending, never done, has to get done pesky chores…) and done is not quite accurate as putting stuff away is part of the done process….so half assed done…hey it’s better than nothing….went grocery shopping, forgot milk, damn it.

Read for a while, watched TV for a bit, hung out with the kidlets, left them alone then they came to my room to hang out some more. Gotta love ’em, just wish my oldest was close by.

Sat down with my bucket of ice cream, box of cones and pigged out….but I balanced it out with yard work and a salad.

My back is not happy with me, but it’s not like I can afford a landscaping crew….and nobody around here feels any responsibility in maintaining a clean yard….ohoh…here comes the bitchventscreamcrap….

WAH….I am so fucking tired….tired of taking care of EVERY FUCKING THING. Well not done taking care of shit, more like worrying about it…I have some areas needing MAJOR REPAIRS. Like a board that is holding the electrical wires that is somewhat detached from the house, it is barely hanging on….I’d hate to see it give….I’ve paid for a half assed repair, that didn’t last…yeah kinda got screwed on that one….I need to focus on getting the funds together for that….so major cutting back on…hmmm…not sure what….yeah no more indulging in ice cream….or going out, so yeah, work and home and that is it.

Well I’m off to focus on other schtuff….

I feel better now that I got to whine a bit….thank you internets, I wuv ewe….

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Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)

Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…

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