Posts Tagged ‘hell’

Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)

Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…

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I saw my floor looking a bit sad so I gave it a hug (with my back and ass)…somehow I managed to hug tighter than I should have and now I’m paying for it. I’ve been putting off a visit to my back doctor…Monday I will call my primary and have him set me up for xrays then a visit. Perhaps I can just email a copy of the film if he can’t find or see anything. I’m dreading this entire process, the cost associated with all this. The having to leave my house. I’m hoping to at least get a refillable prescription for some happy pills…and some pain pills. I can’t continue to delude myself…I’m off my rocker. And I want out.

I so wish those people talking about “The Rapture” were on to something. If all “THIS” was gone tomorrow I’d be totally okay with it. I already live in my own hell…tired of it. There are a few bright spots in my life, my kids, my family, my friends…but for the most part there is darkness. I don’t bring anything to the table. Blah, blah, blah….fuckity, fuck, fuck.

Waiting for my meds to kick in…if this doesn’t happen soon I’ll be spewing crap about boundaries….and dust bunnies.

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Started another Sandra Brown book, I’m about half way thru it, may or may not get it all read tonight…had to take a break from it as my eyes were dry and my vision blurry. Have a doctor appointment coming up, still need to schedule my appointment in hell aka Austin…so not looking forward to that drive. May try to schedule it for a Friday and maybe get a chance to see an old friend while there.

My belly has been all tore up, so I thought I’d fix it with some ice cream…I don’t think that was the solution to the problem….now my belly is more tore up. Damn it! 😦

Talked to my favorite child, boy # 1, school is going well….miss him, he can make me laugh, all 3 of my boys can make me laugh, sometimes I just laugh at them, and that’s all good. Laughter is good medicine.

I am beginning to get more comfortable with laughter, it’s like I have given myself permission to enjoy life…not 100% where I once was, I’ll never be at that level, but I’ll take what I can get.

Well I guess this is it for now, I’m off to immerse myself in a world of make believe.

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I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s what you don’t say that’s important.Specifically, it’s been my experience that any sentence ending with, “I don’t really know or care” seems to strike a chord.

Anyway, I used to be in the habit of ending sentences with “I don’t really care” It seemed like a good idea… at the time… to strike a precautionary blow against whatever nasty things people might be thinking about me. This seems to happen quite a lot….

All this does is get me into trouble. I realize that I am not so much nipping those ridiculous thoughts in the bud, as I am planting them in peoples’ heads. Silly me, for thinking that everyone else is just naturally as twisted as I am.

So now I’ve resorted to another plan. I don’t want to bring up any specifics in these situations, but I still want to put people on the defensive… just in case they’ve come up with some other (and probably sicker) idea of the type of thing I’d be doing when I’m not sleeping, watching TV, in pain, or eating butter pecan ice cream. So now, I should answer every question I get with an angry:

“What the hell do you mean by that?”

Sure, it might make ordering at a restaurant a bit tricky. Or it might even alarm the kids somewhat….

No, it’s not a perfect system. But it’s better. Maybe someday I’ll graduate to ‘Are you talking to me?’, or the simple-yet-effective menacing, ‘Whaaaat?!’

Meanwhile, I’m doing the best I can. And it seems to be working… people ask me way less questions than they used to. Which is all I ever really wanted. Isn’t it everybody’s goal to just be left the hell alone sometimes?

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As I was being admitted into the hospital I ended up a little on the passed out side. It is funny now, but not when I was sitting there trying to figure out what my name was. I woke up to the sound of my voice repeating my name a few times, as if I needed them to agree with me and confirm who I was.

I wanted new jewelry, but not like this...

I was subjected to a bazillion questions and jostled around….all I can say is there is no place like home. I am now back to being in my humble abode, I have a major headache, too much tension and stress. I am medicating myself and curling up in the fetal position and taking in the quiet until my babies get back home.

Oh and thankfully I didn’t experience any trauma like I did the last couple of times I was in hell the hospital.

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I am in love!


I was talking to Mz T (she makes fabulous jewelry check it out here >http://www.artfire.com/users/afabulousflair) last night and she was telling me about her experiences and somewhere in there I heard the word “tamales” and that is all it took….my mouth started watering and the craving kicked in. This morning I was searching high and low for my tamale lady’s phone number…whew I thought I’d lost it…nope, I still have it, I gave her a call and she is cooking some for me as I type, I’m taking my time with the coffee because I want to savor them with a hot cup of Kona (that was sent to me by my friend http://cynthiaschmidt.com/ in Hawaii)….I even have my candles (http://lightfandangocandles.com/) from Lu going….blissful! You might be interested in checking these sites out, there are sales going on!

Wash them chones~

My oldest son is out of town so this weekend is just me and boys # 2 & 3. They will be doing laundry this weekend and tomorrow I will send them all to the grocery store. I’ve got two weeks of freedom before I go back to hell…so not looking forward to that trip.

Play me some country music, like Grandpa used to play~

I started reading a book last night….well more like early this morning after I got off Skype….I read a few pages then turned the light out and pretended to sleep, eventually I managed to get to sleep, for at least an hour…it shows…I’ve got baggy eyes. It is a very sexy look on me. Someone out there is into that kind of eye bag look!


Somebody needs some sleep~


I am off to watch some TV and chill, have a great weekend.

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