That’s about all I can muster, my last day off was Easter…by the look of things I won’t have a day off until next month….I am exhausted and hurting….I think the constant pain is just draining me. But I have things to do, places to go and people to see…getting boy # 2’s checking account set up, a two-day affair, but at least that’ll get done without him having to miss school. I still need to get them both in to see their doctor for immunizations…need groceries again, laundry…neverending list of domestic chores…sigh***
Also visited with a banker about a possible refinance, laughably my debt to income ratio is high, my only “real” debt being the house….FMH. If I could secure a one year lease on the rental then that would help…but can’t do that at this point….anywho I think I’ll try for a nap before I go to work…I hate not being fully alert….
Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)
Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…
I saw my floor looking a bit sad so I gave it a hug (with my back and ass)…somehow I managed to hug tighter than I should have and now I’m paying for it. I’ve been putting off a visit to my back doctor…Monday I will call my primary and have him set me up for xrays then a visit. Perhaps I can just email a copy of the film if he can’t find or see anything. I’m dreading this entire process, the cost associated with all this. The having to leave my house. I’m hoping to at least get a refillable prescription for some happy pills…and some pain pills. I can’t continue to delude myself…I’m off my rocker. And I want out.
I so wish those people talking about “The Rapture” were on to something. If all “THIS” was gone tomorrow I’d be totally okay with it. I already live in my own hell…tired of it. There are a few bright spots in my life, my kids, my family, my friends…but for the most part there is darkness. I don’t bring anything to the table. Blah, blah, blah….fuckity, fuck, fuck.
Waiting for my meds to kick in…if this doesn’t happen soon I’ll be spewing crap about boundaries….and dust bunnies.
Started another Sandra Brown book, I’m about half way thru it, may or may not get it all read tonight…had to take a break from it as my eyes were dry and my vision blurry. Have a doctor appointment coming up, still need to schedule my appointment in hell aka Austin…so not looking forward to that drive. May try to schedule it for a Friday and maybe get a chance to see an old friend while there.
My belly has been all tore up, so I thought I’d fix it with some ice cream…I don’t think that was the solution to the problem….now my belly is more tore up. Damn it! 😦
Talked to my favorite child, boy # 1, school is going well….miss him, he can make me laugh, all 3 of my boys can make me laugh, sometimes I just laugh at them, and that’s all good. Laughter is good medicine.
I am beginning to get more comfortable with laughter, it’s like I have given myself permission to enjoy life…not 100% where I once was, I’ll never be at that level, but I’ll take what I can get.
Well I guess this is it for now, I’m off to immerse myself in a world of make believe.
I’ve learned that sometimes, it’s what you don’t say that’s important.Specifically, it’s been my experience that any sentence ending with, “I don’t really know or care” seems to strike a chord.
Anyway, I used to be in the habit of ending sentences with “I don’t really care” It seemed like a good idea… at the time… to strike a precautionary blow against whatever nasty things people might be thinking about me. This seems to happen quite a lot….
All this does is get me into trouble. I realize that I am not so much nipping those ridiculous thoughts in the bud, as I am planting them in peoples’ heads. Silly me, for thinking that everyone else is just naturally as twisted as I am.
So now I’ve resorted to another plan. I don’t want to bring up any specifics in these situations, but I still want to put people on the defensive… just in case they’ve come up with some other (and probably sicker) idea of the type of thing I’d be doing when I’m not sleeping, watching TV, in pain, or eating butter pecan ice cream. So now, I should answer every question I get with an angry:
“What the hell do you mean by that?”
Sure, it might make ordering at a restaurant a bit tricky. Or it might even alarm the kids somewhat….
No, it’s not a perfect system. But it’s better. Maybe someday I’ll graduate to ‘Are you talking to me?’, or the simple-yet-effective menacing, ‘Whaaaat?!’
Meanwhile, I’m doing the best I can. And it seems to be working… people ask me way less questions than they used to. Which is all I ever really wanted. Isn’t it everybody’s goal to just be left the hell alone sometimes?
As I was being admitted into the hospital I ended up a little on the passed out side. It is funny now, but not when I was sitting there trying to figure out what my name was. I woke up to the sound of my voice repeating my name a few times, as if I needed them to agree with me and confirm who I was.
I was subjected to a bazillion questions and jostled around….all I can say is there is no place like home. I am now back to being in my humble abode, I have a major headache, too much tension and stress. I am medicating myself and curling up in the fetal position and taking in the quiet until my babies get back home.
Oh and thankfully I didn’t experience any trauma like I did the last couple of times I was in hell the hospital.
I was talking to Mz T (she makes fabulous jewelry check it out here >http://www.artfire.com/users/afabulousflair) last night and she was telling me about her experiences and somewhere in there I heard the word “tamales” and that is all it took….my mouth started watering and the craving kicked in. This morning I was searching high and low for my tamale lady’s phone number…whew I thought I’d lost it…nope, I still have it, I gave her a call and she is cooking some for me as I type, I’m taking my time with the coffee because I want to savor them with a hot cup of Kona (that was sent to me by my friend http://cynthiaschmidt.com/ in Hawaii)….I even have my candles (http://lightfandangocandles.com/) from Lu going….blissful! You might be interested in checking these sites out, there are sales going on!
My oldest son is out of town so this weekend is just me and boys # 2 & 3. They will be doing laundry this weekend and tomorrow I will send them all to the grocery store. I’ve got two weeks of freedom before I go back to hell…so not looking forward to that trip.
I started reading a book last night….well more like early this morning after I got off Skype….I read a few pages then turned the light out and pretended to sleep, eventually I managed to get to sleep, for at least an hour…it shows…I’ve got baggy eyes. It is a very sexy look on me. Someone out there is into that kind of eye bag look!
I am off to watch some TV and chill, have a great weekend.
I popped my contacts out, so I’m flying blind here, just got up to check on the boys, boy # 2 is crashed out, boys 1 & 3 are still awake watching a low budget movie….I got my coffee pot ready for tomorrow, flip of the switch, power goes on and that magical morning brew is ready to deliver life enhancing energy…or something like that….
Tomorrow I need to get my car fueled up for Monday’s return to hell…otherwise known as Austin, which wouldn’t be hell, but since I only get to go see doctors I will consider it hell, if I was going there to visit, shop, eat or have fun then I would be kinder in my description. I should have had boy # 1 do that since I had him use my car, maybe I’ll get him to do that tomorrow, I’m sure he won’t mind using my car in exchange for feuling her up.
Also on my agenda will be moving summer stuff around and pulling out fall & winterish stuff out…not that I really need to do that, I’ve been living in pj’s for the last 4 months or so, I rarely wear actual clothes anymore which kinda sucks as Ihave a bunch of jeans I bought before this ordeal…clothes don’t work very well with my shell.
Boy # 2 is now awake…and coming in here to terrorize me, got to love these boys. I will need to send them out for milk tomorrow morning, I feel like making french toast, I’m sure they will enjoy that.
Well I don’t have much to report…I gave up on getting any idiots on the phone, I’ll work on that again next week, I lost the motivation after getting my mail and looking at a bill for $10,000+ for one of my doctors….guess now I know where my 401K is going….sheesh what next….
Happy thoughts…I made cake, cake was good, is good, I didn’t eat it all…yet…tomorrow I will work on it….good night my peeps & peepettes.
The following is an actual question given on a University of Arizona chemistry mid term, and an actual answer turned in by a student. The answer by one student was so ‘profound’ that the professor shared it with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well : Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic (absorbs heat)?
Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs using Boyle’s Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is compressed) or some variant. One student, however, wrote the following: First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So we need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the rate at which they are leaving, which is unlikely. I think that we can safely assume that once a soul gets to Hell, it will not leave. Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering Hell, let’s look at the different religions that exist in the world today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of these religions and since people do not belong to more than one religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell to increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the volume in Hell because Boyle’s Law states that in order for the temperature and pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of Hell has to expand proportionately as souls are added.
This gives two possibilities: 1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase until all Hell breaks loose. 2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls in Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes over. So which is it? If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman year that, ‘It will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,’ and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then number two must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more souls and is therefore, extinct….. …leaving only Heaven, thereby proving the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa kept shouting ‘Oh my God.’