Shell shocked….continued

I remember her walking in and I knew something was not right. I didn’t know her aside from brief interactions at the counter or as I made rounds….but I was seeing a person that was in shock.

I asked if she was ok, she broke down for a split second and disclosed that she had just been diagnosed with cancer.

The next day she came in after her first treatment.

Somewhere along the way I just felt I needed to be there for her, she hasn’t disclosed the details and I haven’t probed….but I have found a new friend and I’ll do what I can to be there for her.

It’s something….

It’s always something, all this fuckery….something…always something.

Financial setbacks….health setbacks, job, life in general….but I guess if it wasn’t for something we wouldn’t have much of a life. Life is a bitch….not for all…some people actually enjoy this shit…life….me personally….I’m tired of it….day in, day out….all the same fuckery…I don’t even wait for shit to happen, waking up…it’s a given…shit will find me.

Tomorrow is the start of tax-free weekend…I am anticipating all kinds of zombie like creatures going nuts over a no tax shopping frenzy….I may soak in Calgon in preparation…..

Epiphanically….

Most people with low self esteem have earned it….just saying….

There once was an asshat who said to his “other”….guys will only talk to you because they want to fuck you. Men only talk to women they want to fuck. True story.

Ms LifeTeachesUsTruths sat in the dark for many a moon rotation…one night- while counting feet on a caterpillar she had an epiphany.

Her thought roiled in her mushy sleep deprived drug addled brain…”So you say men will only talk to me because they want in my pants….”

Hmmmm….chewing the food for thought..

Good thing you don’t speak for all men….YOU speak for YOURSELF and your thoughts are only a reflection of YOUR character. Ever fucked up character, but yours and yours alone.

I’m thankful I have processed this thought…sure the answers were there…I just didn’t take the time to formulate a response at the time. And yes I’ll give you that one, YOU may have only talked to me with the intent of getting acquainted with my lovely lady parts….and that was all you got. For as long as that immature thought lives with you, you will only get what you are after and those lovely lady parts aren’t much…a person is a sum of all their parts, yes lovely parts included….but true worth of a person goes well beyond that.

Epiphanies are awesome!!

Randomosity….

I’ve had several working titles….mainly because I’ve had my mind working in overdrive. There is so much I keep to myself unless I spew it here or there or with a select individual or what not….but lately I just can’t….for all that I put forth there is still way more that won’t see the light of day or the shadows of night-time.

I had a great day with the kidlets….had an individual express pity for me that I had not received anything materialistic….I don’t need any of that….just hearing my boys say they love me day and night is more valuable to me than anything else. Yeah people are stupid fucktards….anywho I also had a human moment….not a fan of feeling human…..

Have chocolate….and a good book and a nice bed with cool sheets and plenty of pillows and a fan or two or three waiting to coordinate a hum of activity to help me sleep….or at least shut my eyes for a bit.

Biting my tongue, already chewed off the straps to my huggy jacket…

Some days I just want to punch people in the face. Doing something of no benefit to myself (rather at a cost I can ill afford) only to have someone act all ass about it as if I am creating an inconvenience. Wow, I just don’t get where the sense and sensibility went to. Yeah I may need a stiff one after this (drink that is) but I also need a nap….which I just don’t see happening….Calgon take me away….wash me away…PLEASE……….

Venting has concluded you may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

Whoever said hair doesn’t grow on nipples didn’t see “those” nipples….

Stupid is as stupid does, and I have been on a roll. I suffered a bit with hyperactivity a couple of days ago….couldn’t keep myself to any single task…consequently I hand washed my car, I worked on scraping paint off the coffee table, I baked lemon bars, I did laundry, I swept, I vacuumed (not that it looks like I did) then I piddled around starting other things that I just didn’t get to completing….and what did I get for all this….yeah this is where the stupid part comes in…PAIN….lots of fucking back pain…I almost didn’t want to stop everything I was doing, once I stop I start to intensely feel the aftereffects of all my moving around, bending, stooping, stretching, pulling and pushing…**SIGH*** when will LIFE (without pain) go back to “normal” (whatever the fuck normal is…)

Had another session of dramatics…not a fan of that….I’d much rather pull my eyelashes out one by one…or shave my toes…but all is well now…gotta go wake the kidlets up…

I thought I was calling it a night….

The start of this doesn’t make much sense….as I had a working title and decided against it….so it’s whatever…it makes sense to me….

Shoulda started with immaturity, cause I’m fixing to do something that is downright immature…thinking of even going all out and doing some Evites and creating an event out of it But there is a slight hiccup with that plan, I don’t yet have a venue available. I cannot do it at Casa de Ruby as it is not solely Casa de Ruby and I don’t need drama to come out of it…as it will already be slightly dramatic. So for now I’m holding on to my Save the Dates until I can either secure a location or some other brilliant idea pops into my head.  Not that this is a brilliant idea…it is more of a cathartic release, one involving the dissolution of tangible memories. So it’s like a bonfire without the bon…cause I’m not even sure what the heck a bon is and I don’t feel like looking it up….but it will involve fire, a slow controlled burn….as I’m sure the county will probably be all balls to the wall with their stinking burn ban…..I just want a cozy little fire where I can sit there with a cool night-time breeze, music playing, water hose at the ready and me feeding the flames with combustible materials. I want to sear those memories as I would sear a steak, hear a sizzle, a pop and a goodbye.  It is way past time to bury some of those memories, I’ve hung on to the tangible memories long enough…I want to lay rest to a regrettable time in my life and be done with that chapter.  I know it is not a mature way to handle it, but it is a way I choose to slay the beast.

So on to other nonsense….or shtuff….

Dye causes death…

…of brain cells….lately I’ve seen a proliferation of old haglets running around with some cloaky hair….yikes, grandma just let it go….there comes a time when no matter how dark you color your hair it will not detract from how old you look, I have nothing against hair color, I am a retired hairstylist and I also retired the dye. There are days where the urge to color my hair hits me….I LOVE color, but after a certain age it is time to switch it up….go lighter, add low lites, add highlights…..but don’t bathe those whites with black….skin tones change with age…..my kids rag me about my white hair, they think I should cover it….I don’t care to do that. I love the white hair, I’m not crazy about the texture but age also changes the texture of hair, my hair used to curl up in ringlets, waves or curls, now most days it is frizz….and all I do with it is take a small clip and get it out of my face. I just don’t have the vanity left in me to give a fuck….which I find amusing as I have been accused of being vain by a someone that maintains standing appointments with a hairstylist for color and cuts….yeah…who is vain here? HAHA….as a side note, all of the above vitriol is MHO and if anyone feels like it could be the right sized shoe/fit for them…well wear it and shut up about it.

If you happen to be my age or older…(proud to say I belong to the over the hill crowd) with that I’m sure you are familiar with being stabbed in the back…anywho…

Things are falling into place….I started a second job a while back, so I’m now juggling two jobs as well as being a single parent and trying to carve time out for myself to regroup in between. My back is not entirely simpatico with the situation but life being what it is (not free) well I do what I have to do to provide for me and mine (even though I’ve been accused of being a “user”…as if!!!)

So anyway I wanted to extend a helping hand to someone I knew needed it. I already had knowledge that this person had gone behind my back numerous times to basically bad mouth me, stab me in the back, throw me under the bus…whatever you want to call it….I can be quite forgiving (even when I’m accused of being rigidly unforgiving) I went to bat for this person. All for naught. I gave this person ample opportunity to prove others wrong….but I guess the others were right. This person didn’t deserve my kindness and generosity. At least not at this time. Which is cool…I will not treat this person any different. I still greet them as cheerfully as before, I still take the time to compliment them and inquire about their health, their day or life. I may be rebuffed and that’s fine too. See. I’ve been in this persons place before so I understand some of the mindset. But at the same time I will not extend myself as I have done previously. Not when I go to bat for someone and they don’t have the common courtesy to share that perhaps they are not interested or that they have changed their mind. In this persons place is someone that truly is appreciative of my efforts to help. And that is where things are falling into place. Yes things happen for a reason….whatever led this other person to rebuff this opportunity only opened up the doors to someone else that turned out to be a better fit. I say it is a win, win!

So while I will continue to extend kindness to this person I have learned a lesson…yes, I will continue to kill with kindness but the “Ruby” circle is no longer open for this person…..

And the tit for tat crap rears its ugly head once again. I’m too old for that….**sigh….I keep trying, but when is enough, enough?

No pot to piss in….

Thankfully I’m not there yet….but soon we may be….today was an eye opener for things to come. Having no medical insurance and a job that doesn’t have enough hours to keep me from worrying about how to make ends meet….no hope of getting insurance anytime soon either….oh well….enough stressing that…wish I was sitting on the pot of gold some think I sit on….instead I just sit on my ass….which doesn’t produce gold either…..today has been a busy day….running back and forth, well not running, I still can’t run, I do okay just walking…but picking sick child up from school, driving to dr, driving to pharmacy, dropping boy off at school, going by pharmacy to pick up prescriptions…having a mild cardiac incident, driving home, driving back to pharmacy, doing laundry, cleaning, getting grub prepped for dinner, folding laundry, putting things in dryer, taking things out….sigh…a mother’s job is never done….but I will reap the rewards….

Well off to finish off my womanly neverendingchores… 🙂

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