I am so over the going over my history….medical history that is…I know on the outside it all looks hunky dory…having chronic pain gets old…the mask that we learn to wear takes its toll…one would be surprised at the amount of effort involved in pulling that off….that smile…it hides a grimace…sometimes…at best it would, at worst…well I’ve been told I look mad, pissed, tired….etc…I’m tired of “looking”….what the hell am I supposed to look like? What are any of us supposed to look like…I don’t want to look like “I’m dying”….even though at times the pain is unbearable…my coping mechanisms are different…sometimes I “barrel” through it….in my world it means something different than what it would for a normal person…but sometimes I just have to punishingly plug away with mundane tasks…to take my mind off of the pain….but it tends to backfire….I want what I’ll never in my lifetime get….a pain free day…it’s kinda like with my insomnia…I’ll sleep when I’m dead…I’ll be pain free when I’m dead…I get annoyed with those that mean well…”pray” seriously? For what? there is no magical being out there that’s going to wave a magic wand and make the pain go away….there are those white coats that may “help” with their potions (drugs) but the reality is that I will be in pain for the rest of my life….different levels of it…on a good day…moderate….on a bad day…”FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOMMA TOO”….I get to where I hurt so much I can’t stand myself….I just want to be alone…nobody asking “what’s wrong?” “FUCK YOU” that’s what’s wrong….I know, I know, people mean well, friends mean well….but it really does get old….who wants to hear someone bitch and moan constantly about every little thing that hurts…or the same ole, same ole….I tried to google “What does pain look like?” I couldn’t find anything that could describe it, but I don’t recommend typing that in google…it was kind of revolting…pain apparently looks like pus filled lumps, bumps and hemorrhoids…..yup, hemorrhoids….like a visual of an asshole turned inside out is an adequate representation….I suppose next time someone asks me how I’m doing I’ll have it in the back of my head that I look like an inside out asshole……
When it rains, it pours. It rained earlier, it was much-needed. It didn’t rain shit. Just water.
The shitstorms I’m alluding to are the things I am saving up to fix. Only to discover something else to add to the list. Not too long ago I had my bathroom shower retiled….well that was a crappy job it is now cracking and I’m sure if I was to complain to the individual that did the work I’d probably be told that the “house” has shifted and that is why the work is falling apart. *Sigh…can’t catch a break. Not that I would bother hunting down that person, I paid for other work and it too was half assed. Like the big girl that I am all I can do is hoist my granny panties all the way up my crack and suck it up. But before I do that I get to bitch and vent here. I am not up to verbally whining about it at this point….tomorrow or the day after or whenever that tomorrow is I will probably laugh about it.
Life sucks big fat purple monkey balls.
I wish I could get ahold of those balls and do a not so gentle pull and twist just to even things out a bit. And just to add a bit of snark…it is ALL a MAN’s fault. There I said…bite me!
Oh and I got my fix earlier….I was tired and made myself get out to run a quick errand, thankfully boy # 3 ran in and picked up what we needed. I sorta semi snoozed while he went in. Now I’m awake so I will probably do a bit of reading in the hope I can read myself to sleep.
Woke up this morning to a knock on my bedroom door, boy # 2 destroyed the bathroom. FML, too damn early for that. It’s like child please, stop wasting precious time bragging about your amazing feats and fix the damn crapper. Sheesh.
Lawn mower also is jacked up. Have jungles growing wild in front and back. So today after school they will be pulling weeds and picking up branches and trash. Home ownership can totally suck ass when there are little things needing fixing and we have limited handyman skills.
At least I picked up a few hours, that will save me from going off on the kidlets, a simple note with instructions will be left. Their dinner is also prepared. In a few I’ll fix my lunch and get ready and head out.
Calgon can’t take me away but for a few hours I’ll be away from temporary stressors.
I have a couple of old friends who’ve reached out, I’m trying to reach back as it was hit and miss….sometimes it is cool to reconnect, others not so much.
Well I’m off to perform miracles (must lotion and potion myself into some type of human semblance. The hair will be left with the “just rolled out of bed” look. I have lost the vanity required to make too much of an effort. Must thank my detractors.
I’ve had to restrict myself, give up “something” I truly love that just isn’t good for me. Growing up all I needed to spur me in a destructive path were the words, “you can’t”, can’t do this, can’t do that, can’t have this, can’t have that, etc, etc. Now I am having to be all grown up about the whole situation and deny myself. I have to be the one to sternly say to myself, “Self, you CAN’T!!!”. I’m so tired of adding things to the “can’t” have list…little things like a manicure or pedicure at a salon, a haircut by someone other than myslf….the list just goes on and on…I guess it is official I am now a member of the “have-nots”.
Chocolate is still allowed…and that’s only because I can’t afford for any doctor to tell me I can’t have that either. It’s the little things. ♥