What I’ve learned about “things”~

I’ll be using the language of Euphemisms…but it’s all the same…

(Euphemism is a substitution for an expression that may offend or suggest something unpleasant to the receiver, using instead an agreeable or less offensive expression, or to make it less troublesome for the speaker.)

I like things, probably everyone else likes things too. Pretty things, ugly things, things we eat, wear, give away or keep. I’ve grown up with my own ideas about things, some things I wanted really bad and learned early on I’d have to work my ass off for them. Actually most everything I have I’ve had to work hard for. I do often sit back and wish I was one of those that things come easy for. Or those that have no problem receiving things. That’s another problem I have with things….I have a hard time accepting things from others…not ALL others, just some others. While some give without any expectation there are those few conditional givers….I attract the conditional givers. Seems that as far back as I can remember I’ve had the conditional givers. That in turn has warped me in some ways….I do have a hard time taking what is given to me and enjoying it. Even when I was very young I remember Christmas time and gifts given to me, I would look at the pretty wrappings and imagine what could be inside the pretty box neatly wrapped and tied with a bow. Many times I preferred what my imagination would conjure rather than to open the gift and get attached to it only to have it taken from me. Who would take someone else’s gifts? Brothers…a mean crazy mother…others.

Even now as an adult I still experience the conditional gifts, the difference now is that for the most part I can tell when something is conditional, at other times I am a bit confused about the intention of a gift. My solution has been to graciously accept these gifts and put them away so that when the giver decides they want back the gift I can just hand it over in its original condition. It’s kinda messed up, but so am I.

Through the years I’ve amassed a small collection of things, some tangible others not so. I’ve also encountered givers who mean well and I have no compunction accepting their gifts. There are many types of givers, for me the most annoying ones have been the ones who give with the underlying need to constantly remind you of their generosity….or the ones who will insist you wear a gift then announce to everyone that they dressed you.

Oh and I do have some gifts that are quite old that I will never use and that one day I will be able to part with…for me there is a difference when I wear something and I can see joy in the gifters face and the “other” look….

For the most part I am not a good gifter or giftee. I do confess that it is easier for me to give than receive, but it isn’t a practice I practice much of, basically because I cannot afford it. Well there are some gifts that don’t cost a thing. Hugs are free. Love isn’t always free…wait…that’s an entirely different post. I think my meds have me tripping here…where was I going with all this dribble? Well I’ll quit while I’m ahead…did I get ahead? I don’t know….

If you like to read, here are some recommendations~

My latest reads~ (start date/end date)51Tjb0qmIJL__BO2,204,203,200_PIsitb-sticker-arrow-click,TopRight,35,-76_AA240_SH20_OU01_

Coast Road ~ Barbara Delinsky ~09/09/09-0910/09 a quick read, a love story, not my cup of tea normally but I did enjoy it, 2 thumbs up. Speaks of “that” true love we all wish we had.

White Mountain ~ Dinah McCall ~ 09/11/09-09/13/09 ~ if you are into suspense and the paranormal then this might be your book, it starts out strong, the female character is not fully developed and the end was a little disappointment

The Flynn Brothers Trilogy~ Heather Graham ~ suspense & paranormal stuff, took me a while to get into them but they are good reads….

~Deadly Night 09/14/09-09/15/09 oldest brother Aidan’s story

~Deadly Harvest 09/15/09-09/16/09 middle brother Jeremy’s story

~Deadly Gift 09/17/09-09/20/09 youngest brother Zach’s story

The White Blanket~

The White Blanket

 

A Child was born

A gift was given

A white blanket

It was a special gift

It was pure

 

After 5 years

It had been around

For a short while

Drug around

It’s a little dirty

 

Years go by

The blanket comforts

Someone comes in

Tears and dirties

The blanket

 

It is put in the wash

Hot water washes

And washes the blanket

A stain remains

A hole remains

 

Time goes by

The blanket comforts

A child is born

The white blanket

Comforts the child

 

Time goes by

The blanket comforts

New smudges

New holes

New life

 

Bleach and hot water

Washes the blanket

It still gives comfort

It is wearing thin

The blanket comforts

 

Life changes

New people

The blanket is shared

Throw it away

It is dirty

 

The blanket comforts

It is not for your comfort

Bleach and hot water

Washes the blanket

The blanket is not so white

 

New people

Life changes

The blanket is shared

It is dirty

Throw it away?

 

A new tear

Drug around

The blanket dirties

The blanket tears

The blanket dirties

 

New life

Wants to share the blanket

The blanket is not white

Bleach and hot water

Can only do so much

 

New life

New changes

Old blanket

Dirty blanket

The blanket still comforts

 

©Ruby Cantu

One of them days

It’s like I left, where you may wonder, well that car I was riding in, I just opened the door and threw myself out fell out, I rolled a couple of times as I fell out, had some small pebbles and tarry gravel sticking to my back, my hair and half of my body, mainly on the left side as I laid there for a bit. I contemplated my fate, was I dead, or alive. Damn it I was still breathing, for what purpose I would keep breathing I hadn’t a clue. A laugh, rumbling, from deep within my belly erupted, I drew my knees up to my chest as I sat up on the side of the road, the laugh rolled out, manic, hysterical laughter, why am I laughing you may wonder. Well in all my ineptitude I chose to “fall out” when the car was rolling at a non injurious speed of 10 miles an hour. And the driver? Well he had no reason to stick around, his humiliation quite evident as his tires peeled off when he went past the stop sign at the town square.

I stood up, hands came up to my face, I surveyed the planes of my features, ran them down my cheeks, across my forehead, essentially wiping the dirt off of me, making sure no dirt would scratch my eyes if I rubbed them, there was blood on the side of my mouth, that didn’t come from striking my face as I tumbled out of the slow moving car, I bit my tongue, it is a bad habit, one which I am prone to when I over think.

I began walking, I had a couple of hours worth of walking ahead of me, I knew that car and it’s driver were not to return for me, that was a given, it was over, there was no forever and no for always, not for us. As a passenger in that car, a glimpse I caught when we had gone over the railroad tracks as we neared the busy town square, told me as much. Those dreams and promises made were now over; they had been over for a while. There were no ties binding us, nothing that was scrawled or typed up and filed a world away would keep us together.  I knew my feelings were no match for his, my feelings were impervious and would remain as such. The continued revelation of my feelings would not ever change the course of what was happening, I had tried, in my way I had tried, and in my way I failed, yet again. How many failures must I have to get it? Each failure is a renewed vow that it is the last failure, yet somehow I know that this failure is the last one. I’m not closing off that wall, those bricks I had so busily been erecting in the past, with meticulous precision in the order I placed them, well they’ll continue to stand. A monument of sorts a reminder of where I was, how far I got and how stuck I am destined to live until the end of time, yes, it started out as one of them days.

I continued down the road, cars passing me by, hands in my pockets, I felt around my right pocket, “Yes!” there was a couple of rumpled ones. I was immediately relieved, the day was hot and my walk was just beginning, I had enough to get a big bottle of water and a small bag of some salty chips. The walk back home would give me enough time to sort out my feelings and enough time for the car driver to get his things gathered and be gone by the time I got there.

What went wrong? That would be the question that would never quite have the answer to satisfy me. Plenty had gone wrong, but ultimately I knew the ins and outs, I was in and he was out, of love. Sure there was love, but loving someone can only carry you so far, there must be that special in, and it was no longer there.

There was no longer a point for tears, which was so exhausting, and quite frankly pointless. I had to focus on what I would have to do to get on with life, to be able to once again get in a car and not have a consuming desire to open the door and throw myself out. I started to laugh again, I could see me tumbling out and I could see him looking at me fall out, defeat, no he had satisfaction. My gift was perfect, I had no intention of providing that gift, it just happened to fall perfectly on his lap.

Just one of them days, with the blue skies, and the white clouds, with a mild breeze blowing, trees at a standstill, yeah one of them days.

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