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Posts Tagged ‘Games’

I’m in the midst of a full-blown panic attack, trying the breathing exercises I’ve learned to do, taking care of customers and faking “normal” throughout, not easy.

Palpitations, the urge to run, hit something, hit someone….but mostly the urge to run…and no not in the put my running shoes and sprint away….I’m talking of running away.

There are days that are worse than others, but on the flip side there are better days or days that are just okay.

As I stand here behind the counter I’ve had a couple of customers ask me if I’m okay….sheesh my faking needs some fine tuning….or a lot.

I still think of him and I hate that he still rents space in my life. Eviction notice was served a while back, even had a process server employed….but the fucker apparently decided to exercise his squatters rights. So not cool but I don’t want to employ any means of intermediary action, I just want him to go the fuck away, stay away and be gone for good.

I almost started a game of tic tac toe with myself.

I’m reading a couple of books here at work, one is a satirical commentary filled book with many witty life observations, and the other one touts itself as a romantic suspense novel, so far suspense yes, romance none yet. Romance woulda had me puking my guts out…so far it’s a good read. Glad I ignored the romance claim it is actually a good read so far.

Still having to stop and collect my thoughts…even the ones I don’t need to be thinking.

Do have some awkward family time coming up…but I have decided to make myself scarce and not subject myself to any of the crazy. Mejor sola que mal accompanied as my abuela used to say. Nothing like that horrid feeling of taking a spouse with you to a place where the best behavior is expected and one person is looking for that rightly timed moment where they can let their asshatness come out.

Thankfully my cast of derelicts are coming in one by one or in some cases in pairs….and we have…

The carless, toothless gum flapper wanna be hot momma in her skankiliscious booty shorts. My corneas bleed when she comes in….a little part of me dies every time she sticks her hand down under her boob flap to get her money, why use a boob flap as a wallet….anyone…Bueller….

Then there is the momma bear with 2 of her jobless, carless, moneyless titty babies.

Mr Married just walked in with scabbed tute….same scabbed up tute that napped in her car for a good 45 minutes the other day. Thankfully her pants were dry this time….nothing like watching a nice ass walk away from you with obvious pee stains between the legs….yeah I was checking her ass out….it’s what I do….people watch…asses included….

The painters….they don’t talk to each other, she goes her way, he goes his…odd “happily” married pair….they do have the paint stained garb in common.

Mr RaperVanMan who just half bathed with my hand sanitizer. The handjobber is out smoking and I’m hoping he has already taken care of pulling his chain and rang his bell before coming in. I may not pretend I didn’t see THAT again.

I feel like a carny freak show goddess….err…I mean Talent Coordinator…late entrant into the freak zone…Mr LetMeOverShare, docs just removed one ass cheek, wanna see?

Yeah I think not, puke, puke, puke…wonder if his baby tooth will finish growing out…or fall out…dude is old enough for grown up teeth.

I chased a roach this morning, battled it, went into attack mode. I won the first/last round.

I’m cold, then hot, but cold this minute….and another one…Mr. CapriMan with the pedi….I need a pedi!

Oh and then there’s dude that has to “touch” my fingers/hands ever so casually….yikes….yuk…..I hate being touched…..I’m so totally grossed out.

 

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Some days I just want to punch people in the face. Doing something of no benefit to myself (rather at a cost I can ill afford) only to have someone act all ass about it as if I am creating an inconvenience. Wow, I just don’t get where the sense and sensibility went to. Yeah I may need a stiff one after this (drink that is) but I also need a nap….which I just don’t see happening….Calgon take me away….wash me away…PLEASE……….

Venting has concluded you may now return to your regularly scheduled programming.

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I had my illusions, but then again maybe they were always delusions cowering in the shadow of illusion. I’ve turned things around so much in my head that I now have a better understanding of some rifts that have just continued and will never be resolved. I’ve taken my blinders off, put aside the rose-colored glasses and left the hero-worship on the floor, to be picked up by someone not as jaded as I have become.

I’ll say it again…as if I haven’t said it enough…people disgust me, no not all, just some….but then I also wonder how many people feel the same way about me. I’m sure I’m on a list or two…or ten. Yeah I am not everyone’s cup of tea…but then again I don’t aspire to be. I don’t want to revel in hero-worship, I don’t want to “demand” respect. Respect isn’t something one automatically grants someone else based solely on seniority…and I don’t mean seniority based on length of time held at one position, but I mean seniority of the aging variety.

I’m cutting some people out of my inner sanctum, with age comes wisdom, which isn’t always clearly defined, but as long as I know where I’m at, where I’m going and where I’ve been…that is all that matters…who I decide to have with me along the way is my choice….pickings are slim (to none) but I am becoming more self-aware and making changes accordingly. Too long I’ve wasted time with people who just brought me down, people I allowed to use and abuse me and I know my worth ain’t much, but I’m adding value back….slowly but surely.

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The chats are painful, disclosures of abuse, not physical, but verbal, her psyche is broken, I know things will get better, as long as there is distance between them. When they are apart and they speak to each other it tends to be somewhat more cordial. I ask her how she can put up with it, it’s a stupid question to ask anyone in that position. I know the answer too well. I could be her and I have been her and she has asked me the same in the past, “How could you put up with that?”

That horrid little four letter word called love. Take the word by itself “LOVE” it sounds pretty, it sounds hopeful, but it can be the worst thing anyone can suffer through and suffer for. I know her reticence, her reluctance to say anything, knowing that nothing she can say or do will be right. Her hesitancy to be out in public and be ridiculed or to be humiliated. We can try to dissect the why’s but the why’s don’t matter. To preserve the relationship as skewed as it is requires sacrifice, sacrifice of self, self-esteem, self-respect. I say to her I couldn’t do that, then we both laugh because we have both done it and been there and worn each others shoes. The bitch of it is is that we have both been digging into the same closet. Yet we hang on to the old, the comfortable, the known.

In a few weeks time things will get back to normal…for a while, then the same old patterns will emerge, the guilt trips, the airplane trips, the mind trips. (More like mind fuck.) Will I have to see her do this forever? It saddens me to know the answer to that…but even sadder is that I would dare venture to say I’d be willing to do the same for “LOVE”.

I have a couple of pieces of wall art that serve to remind me and those that enter my home  that we should Laugh, Live and Love. The three L’s. The impossibility of those sentiments are obfuscated underneath all the miasma that surrounds us. Demonic possesion anyone?

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I am exhausted, both physically and emotionally…will this ever stop????? I know, no answers here or there or for that matter anywhere. Life sucks sometimes, but I guess if it didn’t it wouldn’t be life. Paranoia is setting in…long never ending story there…no point in getting into that.

I’ve been up and productive, have a load in the washer, got the back room cleaned, that room is always catching all kinds of crap, I wish it wasn’t there as it really is not a functional part of the house, but it does serve to catch-all kinds of crap.

I have my diet set up for the week, one giant box of dry cereal and frozen fruit….actually if the boys don’t get into either this should last me a good couple of weeks as I only intend to have a cup of dry cereal and two or three pieces of fruit. I call it my back to school diet. With the boys back in school there is no point to eating more than this, thus freeing up more money for after school meals.

I have also been contemplating another round with the scissors, not liking what looks back at me in the mirror, doubt the hair cutting will help, maybe covering up all the mirrors may be a better solution….before anyone else points it out I just realized how EMO I sound. That just made me laugh, laughter is good. Despite all the bad there is still good.

I have been mentally glossing over the FINAL chapter of the EX-Files….but the final chapter is the hardest to actually put down, it is too raw….but it’s like a demon that needs to be exorcised, get it out and forget about it. No timetable set for this project…just rambling….and I’m off, got other things that need to be done around here, we were on the lazy side this weekend and I didn’t get the boys to clean house like I should have, so I’m going to attempt it on my own, maybe that will put me out, even if the out hurts like a bitch at least I’ll be distracted.

Happy Monday ☺

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…where I question my choices…where I want to eat away my thoughts, frustrations…but all that is pointless. Instead I’m going to force myself to get out and just get on with the business of life.

This thing about thinking and rehashing things in my head is only giving me a headache…I can think of other pointless things that can give me a headache…or a backache…or stomach ache….

and with that I’m checking out~

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