I am so over the going over my history….medical history that is…I know on the outside it all looks hunky dory…having chronic pain gets old…the mask that we learn to wear takes its toll…one would be surprised at the amount of effort involved in pulling that off….that smile…it hides a grimace…sometimes…at best it would, at worst…well I’ve been told I look mad, pissed, tired….etc…I’m tired of “looking”….what the hell am I supposed to look like? What are any of us supposed to look like…I don’t want to look like “I’m dying”….even though at times the pain is unbearable…my coping mechanisms are different…sometimes I “barrel” through it….in my world it means something different than what it would for a normal person…but sometimes I just have to punishingly plug away with mundane tasks…to take my mind off of the pain….but it tends to backfire….I want what I’ll never in my lifetime get….a pain free day…it’s kinda like with my insomnia…I’ll sleep when I’m dead…I’ll be pain free when I’m dead…I get annoyed with those that mean well…”pray” seriously? For what? there is no magical being out there that’s going to wave a magic wand and make the pain go away….there are those white coats that may “help” with their potions (drugs) but the reality is that I will be in pain for the rest of my life….different levels of it…on a good day…moderate….on a bad day…”FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOMMA TOO”….I get to where I hurt so much I can’t stand myself….I just want to be alone…nobody asking “what’s wrong?” “FUCK YOU” that’s what’s wrong….I know, I know, people mean well, friends mean well….but it really does get old….who wants to hear someone bitch and moan constantly about every little thing that hurts…or the same ole, same ole….I tried to google “What does pain look like?” I couldn’t find anything that could describe it, but I don’t recommend typing that in google…it was kind of revolting…pain apparently looks like pus filled lumps, bumps and hemorrhoids…..yup, hemorrhoids….like a visual of an asshole turned inside out is an adequate representation….I suppose next time someone asks me how I’m doing I’ll have it in the back of my head that I look like an inside out asshole……
I read that somewhere…I think there is some truth to that….oops I said I think. I don’t think….or I try not to think, thinking is not my forté….not much is lately. I’m just not up for being in the present…but I am, it’s one of those things you have no control over, unless you off yourself…which has been suggested…but then I’d make my half bastards full bastards.
In other news….yesterday I was going to make all my calls to all family to wish them all a merry xmas but I didn’t make it through my whole phone book….after a few calls my brain was fried. Not that it takes much to fry my brain…I’ve got two neurons left and they aren’t on speaking terms….kinda fuckers everything up in my head.
I made menudo yesterday…I should have cooked it outside, my house smells yuck, I ate a bit of it, it needed more spice, but because my kids whine if it is too spicy I didn’t add enough spice to it…I had to cook it with them in mind as they were going to eat the majority of it.
Today…well if I survive round two of holiday phone calls I may go ahead and do some baking. Lime bars, peach cake, cookies and maybe pie…we shall see…I’m not really up for it…I really want to just crawl in bed, stay under the covers and give a big fuck you to the world…not that the world has done anything to me…I’m just feeling blah, and rather than take it out on my babies, I choose the world at large…..but that means nothing…I’m staying home in my own little world, so the world is safe from me…
I started reading another book last night…then my mind started wandering….so I had to call it a night….woke up throughout the night, finally decided to just get up….boy # 3 is up early too, I’ve had my coffee and I am off to go tackle a bit of housecleaning and laundry…nothing like getting busy to get the blood flowing…maybe I can push those two neurons together and they can kiss and make up.
I hate drama…especially when I haven’t done or said anything to warrant it…I offered my unconditional support to someone, offered an ear, advice and gave of my time. Tried to stick up for this person, knowing said individual has had the sad misfortune of being raised by a sad excuse for a human.
What do I get in return for my efforts? I get shit on…that’s what I get….lol.
That’s all fine and good, I can take it…for a second or two…but I don’t have to. So said individual can fuck off….I’ve taken enough crap in my personal life that the notion of outside crap has left a bad taste in my mouth.
I can wish this person well, and I can at the same time give them a big fuck you goodbye.