So I did my end of the year post in Spanish yesterday…for some reason when I was thinking about it the thoughts only came to me in Spanish….I tried to think of why my mind was blocking English thought, no answers, for the record I think mostly in English, my dreams (from what I can remember of them) are also in English….anywho….I was reflecting on friendships, the loss of friends whether through just life events, choice, circumstance or whatever the cause…some of those losses I have felt deeply while others were inconsequential….I have a hard time trusting anyone to be a part of my small world, the people I do let in my world get to know me…(not the whole of me, for that I am not now or never will be able to fully trust any one individual to know that much about me). In some ways my world is getting smaller….that part is by choice….and just like yesterdays post I once again lost my train of thought….I suppose to surmise where all this gobbledygook is going is that in some way I am mourning the losses of 2018. And while I was attempting to gather my thoughts I came across this:
Goodbyes are not always easy…some goodbyes are meant more like a see ya later…some are more final…I’ve got a few final goodbyes under my belt…and not the ones where someone physically died, they just became dead to me…whether thru negative actions on their part…or mine…(I’m no angel after all) anywho…as of late I have another one…not because of anything catastrophically or inherently beyond reason…but it just worked itself into that…the saying of water under the bridge applies in many instances, I do have a forgiving nature, I am easy going…for the most part…but in other areas I am unyielding, unbending and allow things to get to a point that there is no turning back…so with that being said….yup, water under the bridge….nothing to forgive and no regrets…but……..I’ve learned thru the years that we don’t always know what the water carries and it’s best to take a step back and not wallow in the muck…
Guilty….yup I’m guilty…and have no problem facing up to it….hypocrisy…in particular doing things I tell others…(namely my children) not to do.
More on hypocrisy….things that peeve me:
The pretense of having a high moral standing…throwing rocks from a glass house…please worry about you and yours before you worry about me and mine…I’ve always maintained “if you aren’t paying my bills you have no say in what I do or don’t do” I find it laughable how you might smirk or comment about me indulging in an adult beverage, or two..or ten….you may not personally imbibe but you have certainly stood by while your own got stupid wasted…and what? No comment about your precious babes….
I’ve faced criticism over failed relationships…but I’d of made myself a bigger hypocrite living a lie if I’d’ve stayed with the pretense that all was well….I know back in the day it was something that was routinely done…suck it up cupcake was the mantra..heck I tried that…I just couldn’t live with myself and keep up the facade of living the happily ever fantasy…
I am very much related to those whose contrivance of false appearances of virtue or goodness does not go unnoticed. I shoot from the hip as much as I shoot from the lip….gets me in trouble but I have a hard time keeping it to myself…namely to keep the peace….I mean I keep quiet as long as possible…have done it for years…nothing wrong with being harmonious…
Aww…the hypocrites…you know them..most of us parents are guilty…we make our kids follow rules we ourselves don’t follow…this enrages our kids, I know mine have called me out on it..so yeah I plead guilty. Insincerity by virtue of pretending to have qualities or beliefs that are above reproach…but I see your sanctimoniousness, smarminess, falseness, hollowness….all you do is give lip service…guess what…I see you, the real you…and guess what else…everyone else sees you too…and they hear you….just as they see me and hear me…
What we do speaks a lot louder than what we actually say…so while I may call others on their hypocrisy I also have no issue admitting to my own faults….it’s my own special brand of tit for tat….this is the beginning of many changes for whats left of my life….I’ve been cut off and out…and I certainly intend to do the same…out with the old…old shoes with too high of a heel I can’t wear, too tight pants my fat ass can’t fit….clothes too young for my saggy granny parts….the list goes on and on…gosh darn…who knew taking stock would yield such a pile of things that need to go….and how about unequally passing judgement….some of us get the maliciousness of your tongue…while someone else doing a whole lot worse gets kudos….
And for this, my pretties that might read this…if you see yourself here…that is pure awesomeness….if you can cop to it..even better…if you think it’s about you…it just might be…it’s not about one particular person or another…it’s an amalgamation of you, me and Dupree….cause yeah I am a hypocrite…not proud of it, but it’s not all I am…just a small shady part of the whole….I’m also a whole lot of awesomeness wrapped in fat and dipped in gravy.
So I’m off (temporarily) my soapbox….
Feels good to get things off my chest…aside from that too damn tight bra…
Friendships…friendchips….yeah I’d take the latter that way I could still eat the chips…and not feel like I needed to be on a ship…sigh**
I spent some time looking at pictures of old friends, remembering the laughs shared at watching silly movies, sharing a love for the same of this or that, getting together and just hanging out. I miss that, but that has come and gone, all the good friends I had have moved away, sure I have other “friends”…but it isn’t the same. I have not allowed myself to form the bonds I shared with the others, nor will I at this point. My concentration has to be centered on my recovery and my family and that simply means that I can’t allow myself further distractions.
I’ve realized a sickness I have (for lack of a better way to describe it…I’m tired and too lazy to think straight) in that I have a habit of falling into bad choices. I seem to surround myself with the same type of people, sure they have their differences, but the little things are the same, the jealousies, the insecurities, I think the insecurities are the ones that rattle me. Especially because I just don’t get it. Well actually that is not true, I’m beginning to get it, it is a part of rejection. Sheesh, lack of sleep has me talking out of my ass.
I’ve been going to bed and reading a few pages of a book I just started. I’m off for round 6 of going to bed and picking up that book. Books are my new escape, actually they are my only constant. If you have a good book you don’t really need to talk to people. People talk to you through books. Rather I inject myself into the book, kind of like a fly on the wall.
See what kind of crazy talk I can put out there when I’m in pain and I’m tired and I’m sleepy and my body and my mind betray me and I can’t sleep….off I go again…..