I took off for the weekend to one of my favorite places to spend time with some of my favorite people and while it was a nice visit I am still paying for it…I left right after work, made pretty good time, arrived at my destination, unloaded my car and then took off to check out a thrift store a few miles down the road, I piddled around and returned….after a while I made it out again to join my brother in picking up a few provisions for the weekend. We did the usual, visit, share laughter and then made it to bed….then HOLY FUCK…I woke up in so much pain, when I did make it downstairs it was quite apparent to the family as to how bad it was…I wanted to come back home, I didn’t want them to see me like that…I simply did not have the strength to get back home. Saturday I didn’t even step out the door…much of it is a blur due to the energy I expended in trying to function…I am still expending that energy to get by. I hate it. FML doesn’t even cover it. This week is closer to the weekend, yay….my weekend will be more recovery…I think of my friends who have it so much worse and can’t even get out of bed…I don’t want to be the whiney, bitchy old bitter lady I am becoming…there is a way out with dignity, the time will come to explore those options. Pity party over.
My time in this place I have called home for the last 17+ years is coming up….I feel like I’m done here, I have a strong desire to just be gone…I have until the end of next year. I want my youngest to not have the trauma of being uprooted his last year. But I have found it difficult to shop for a home in another city via the internet…just doing it here locally sucks…photos can be manipulated to give the impression that it is a good neighborhood, street views, interior and exterior shots….sigh….so I have made a decision that has sucked the life out of me and sent me into a depressive state. I’ve decided to stay. I have things to consider like logistics and expenses….due to my physical limitations I can’t have certain things…stairs, big yards…which I don’t need. I just need a small space. I am already slowly packing stuff up…taking pictures off the wall. Packing up dishes and thinking of just giving everything away….I hate moving, I hate asking people to help…even if those people are my own kids. I hate not having the physical strength to do it on my own. I don’t need a lot of the things I have accumulated over the years….my biggest collections that mean anything are my books and clothes….and of course all the photos of the kids and a few keepsakes….but that is still a lot of crap. I’ve been dismantling my library….giving books away as soon as I am done….I’ll be using towels to keep breakables from breaking….my son is bringing me boxes so I can start….small boxes that I can manage…by the end I’ll probably have 20,000+ boxes….but they’ll be manageable….but I’ll be trying to sell 2 dining tables, sofa, loveseat, bookcases….and I’m sure a ton of other crap. This next chapter of my life will be just me….there have been some relationships with family that will never be recovered and while sad I also realize that I’m better off without the negativity…I have my own negativity to deal with…don’t need anyone else’s…wah…I’m off to have me a pity party….
Friendships…friendchips….yeah I’d take the latter that way I could still eat the chips…and not feel like I needed to be on a ship…sigh**
That’s about all I can muster, my last day off was Easter…by the look of things I won’t have a day off until next month….I am exhausted and hurting….I think the constant pain is just draining me. But I have things to do, places to go and people to see…getting boy # 2’s checking account set up, a two-day affair, but at least that’ll get done without him having to miss school. I still need to get them both in to see their doctor for immunizations…need groceries again, laundry…neverending list of domestic chores…sigh***
Also visited with a banker about a possible refinance, laughably my debt to income ratio is high, my only “real” debt being the house….FMH. If I could secure a one year lease on the rental then that would help…but can’t do that at this point….anywho I think I’ll try for a nap before I go to work…I hate not being fully alert….
I woke up feeling perfectly fine headed to my new (2nd) job…got there and got settled in for the day…well I didn’t get to settled…out of nowhere and without warning things got bad and fast. I was lucky my boss was there….I felt faint and shaky…yeah I forgot to eat breakfast so I thought a couple of cookies would help…I didn’t feel hungry but I ate them anyway. Soon, very soon we could tell that wasn’t going to cut it so he offered up a candy bar. But I needed to lay down or pass out, did that…but it didn’t help. So I came home and made it to the sofa but then I had to run to the bathroom where I puked up about 5 pounds worth of fluids…not good but I felt better so I went back to work. Big mistake….I managed to hang on for at least an hour then I gave up and came back home. I am now down 10 pounds and not feeling all that great. Hope I feel better soon…I cannot afford to stay home and this is no way to start off at a new job. I’m feeling too pukey to stand for long and I dread disappointing boy # 3 when he gets home shortly….he was wanting me to take him to the mall but driving is out of the question….wish I had a bitch right about now….
Woke up this morning to a knock on my bedroom door, boy # 2 destroyed the bathroom. FML, too damn early for that. It’s like child please, stop wasting precious time bragging about your amazing feats and fix the damn crapper. Sheesh.
Lawn mower also is jacked up. Have jungles growing wild in front and back. So today after school they will be pulling weeds and picking up branches and trash. Home ownership can totally suck ass when there are little things needing fixing and we have limited handyman skills.
At least I picked up a few hours, that will save me from going off on the kidlets, a simple note with instructions will be left. Their dinner is also prepared. In a few I’ll fix my lunch and get ready and head out.
Calgon can’t take me away but for a few hours I’ll be away from temporary stressors.
I have a couple of old friends who’ve reached out, I’m trying to reach back as it was hit and miss….sometimes it is cool to reconnect, others not so much.
Well I’m off to perform miracles (must lotion and potion myself into some type of human semblance. The hair will be left with the “just rolled out of bed” look. I have lost the vanity required to make too much of an effort. Must thank my detractors.
I wasn’t feeling too good and decided to try for a nap, the cool breeze coming in through the open windows would be perfect for a little shut-eye. I got my heating pad cranked up, got myself situated and read for a bit before my eyes decided they were ready to cede the battle. I put my book down, put my pillow over my face, pulled the covers over me, extended my right arm out and turned my bedside fan on and dozed off.
Sharp, intense throbbing pain radiating from my lower back and shooting down my legs soon won the battle over any possible sleep. I glanced at the clock and saw that the boys would be home shortly, I figured I’d get up and head to the freezer and open the door for inspiration. Alas that was not to be. I was unable to get out of bed.
I felt a panic coming on, I started doing a breathing exercise that I normally find can help me before I go into a full-blown panic attack, my anxiety level soon sky rocketed, my one thought was to call ONE person. But I wasn’t in a position to call anyone, I don’t keep a phone by my bed. I kept up with the breathing, I didn’t want to go into a major anxiety/panic attack. The breathing helped I was able to calm myself down before Boy # 2 got home, I heard him coming in, he looked for me in the living room, then made his way into my bedroom (good thing I hadn’t locked myself in) I told him I needed to get up. He asked me what he needed to do to help me up…but I didn’t know. I couldn’t send the signals from my brain to my body to make it happen, worse than that I couldn’t communicate to him what I needed. Boy # 3 got home and they were both in the room with me now trying to help me up. But I knew if I didn’t do it the right way the pain would be unbearable. I remember hearing myself tell them to go lay down and figure out what I needed to do to get up. Now that my brain is a bit more coherent I know that they probably went into their room got in bed and got right back up….as if nothing. Understandable. They don’t have to process every little step like I do. And it sucks. It isn’t a 1, 2 or even 3 step process. It is a million little steps…or it feels like it. Laying there trying to process what I need to do or how I need to instruct them…I lost it, I broke down, put the pillow over my face and cried, even now I am crying. I hate that they have to go through this with me. I hate that they were scared enough to want to call 911. I needed to go to the bathroom, Boy # 3 tells me to just go on the bed. I can’t fathom what I would have done if I had lost total control. I hate that I don’t have anyone to call when this happens. And no 911 doesn’t work for me. I can just hear me calling to help me out of bed.
Anywho…I am calmer right now. I have my walker handy…I should consider trying to draw stick figures with step by step instructions so next time they will know what they need to do.
I am going to quit taking my painmeds…or at least I am going to try very hard to quit. This means that I will probably be bitchier, crankier than normal. I am also doing this cold turkey….but I have been experiencing side effects that I can no longer stomach…pun intended. Will the withdrawals suck ass? Probably. Will I substitute anything else? I don’t know. I am just tired of the other issues that come with taking the pain meds…mainly the confusion, the memory problems…so I need to schedule another appointment with the doctor and see what else I can take….well I think I will email first and see if I can avoid having to make the long ass drive to Austin, or perhaps my doctor here can prescribe something else….I hate pain, I hate drugs….FML.