Random randomness…


Life has a way of stopping me from doing more than I should be doing. Take yesterday for instance…tried weed eating, battery wasn’t fully charged, didn’t do much….tried mowing, ran over the cord, killed it…love that I can push a button and easily start my mower…just haven’t mastered the whole dragging of the cord…yard looks tarded….this morning my body just quit…it just said “silly bitch…you’re done” just like that…I retreated with my tail between my legs.

I was going to reach out to an estranged family member…caught myself…said to myself…not your turn.

Did a bit better in the laundry department…got my stuff unpacked from my little getaway, now it’ll be a week or two before I get to what I just washed. I don’t know why I can’t just get it all done right then and there.

Cooked a pot of beans, bought groceries, had carbs in mind….I got a lot of carbs. Weighed myself…I gained 5 pounds…sheesh, that shoulda gone the other way.

I had set aside some non perishable food items for Saturday’s roundup, the USPS did not pick up the food I had bagged, found someone who could use it and delivered the goods.

Spent the afternoon with my beautiful baby girl…we took out trash and she “helped” clean.

And that’s about all the unexciting blah schtuff going on around here…Only stopped by to do this while I wait for something to load on another page, I miss writing just can’t find the inspiration so once again I will lie to myself and tell myself I’m going to keep trying….




Sad how I got the news, an FB message, then confirmation when another family member posted about the loss….we were so close at one point…actually during several different times throughout our lives. This “Angel” was there for me when I had boy # 2, she went ridiculously overboard in setting up a spot for him. I didn’t even have all that she had in her “nursery” for my own kid. But she was happy to do it and I was comforted with the knowledge that my #2 would be well taken care of. We watched each others kids…this was my auntie, but our kids were close in age even if we weren’t. She was my partner in crime when I was a big fat 9 months pregnant after a 75 pound weight gain and needing to “nest”….she wasn’t the sensible type to dissuade me from my craziness….I needed to move all my furniture….which I singlehandedly did at 9 months pregnant…I needed to go shopping for a crib…and other crap…she just went along with me…then we would go eat…we were always going out to eat…I’d let her order first…she always ordered more than she was going to eat…I’d help her make “her” choices of stuff I wanted to eat…all the while knowing she’d have one bite and be done..then it would all be mine….so many stories…so many tears.

The ties that bind…and gag…


Family used to be important, lately I’m realizing that it is not. I find myself sending the “obligatory” holiday text…and receiving the “obligatory” reply to said text. WOW…it got to that. I’m partly to blame…after repeated rebuffed attempts…well I just gave up. This may be my last text to unsaid individual.

I’ve been working on some spring cleaning and going through old documents, ridding myself of tons of old statements, and going through boxes of old photographs. As I poured the hundreds of images from lifetimes past I couldn’t help but wonder if I should just chunk all those old photos. My kids aren’t all that interested in people they don’t know. I’m not close to any family, my circumstances no longer allow for travel…I do have some cousins in town, but we aren’t close at all….our paths have just taken us in different directions, and aside from blood, we really have nothing else in common. I don’t imagine that most of the photos I have will mean anything to my children…I did throw out some, people I used to know that I can’t even recall names or what connection we might have had.

My goal is simplicity.

My pantry is a reflection of said simplicity, I don’t want to have more than ten items at any given time. I cleaned out my pantry and freezer, gave to some good people who were truly in need. Went thru some clothes, didn’t get rid of enough, next round of purging will be next week, days off.

Slowly but surely….

It’s been a while…a long while….update in order….

So much has happened and this update will be disjointed….

Loss….we are still reeling from our losses…I know I am, some that took me by surprise…or rather the reactions to said losses shook me up. Friend, aunt, grandmother, father….we are still assimilating and will be for a good while, you think you close a chapter and finish that book…only to find a sequel to get you going again. I hate that my kids have to go through these upheavals…nothing has broken me in so long than not being able to comfort my son over such a devastating loss. I’m used to loss, it is one of the reasons I don’t form attachments….any who….yeah….that currently is the big one sucking big fat purple monkey balls….puts trivial shit into perspective…like some fucktard asshat getting all territorial about public places I should be thinking of venturing in….I could kick my ass for replying to a juvenile email regarding previously stated nonsense. (Yes, a good bitching and venting seems to be in order)

Another school year is also coming to an end, with that…another son leaving, but we will have a new face taking his place….changes, so many changes….soon it will be time to sell and move on….actually I’m still selling, by the time the last one leaves I want all my furniture gone, I don’t yet know where I am going but I do know I don’t need all the crap I have accumulated.

As I’m typing away I also find that while in my head I still have a lot to say, I have also lost my desire to write…..this may be the end….

Waiting for the kicks…

Waiting for the meds to kick in…I hate this…probably won’t happen for a while…my back is seriously hurting…I don’t think I helped matters any with what I got into…aside from playing landscaper I had a couple of other shining moments of utter stupidity. Will I ever learn? Probably not…anytime I can push myself a bit further I go for it…I have an expiration date…or rather a “Best if Used By Date” and my body has surpassed it by a long shot….I’m still kicking…or shuffling…can’t really kick…wish I could but I’m afraid of exerting any effort….

I’m hungry…

The dust has not settled yet…oops I’m off on another tangent…best stop now….

Still kicking….

Well no not really….I’ve lost my kicking abilities, not to be confused with my kick ass abilities, those are still there. My back has been kicking my ass…yeah it is humanly possible…..trust me on that one. I’m out of Norco, do not have insurance and probably wouldn’t be able to afford a refill….so on to plan B….or what I’ve decided I may try…I’ll share if and when I implement the plan and have success….if I fail then I’ll spare you…and me.☺

Still gainfully employed, not anywhere close to fulltime but my body wouldn’t be able to handle it at this point…nor my head….today I began feeling feverish, I was not my most coherent and my temper had to be kept in check….stupid people usually don’t faze me but when I’m in pain I tend to get cranky and stupid people set me off….I can’t elaborate because I’ve learned this isn’t the place to air things….still haven’t created my safe haven…though I do have “friends” who offer their ears, shoulders and whatnot to me…I just can’t go there….not ready to trust anyone.

I’m hoping that tomorrow I will feel better and I can treat the boys to either a meal out or maybe even a movie…they are off from school for a couple of weeks. I will enjoy the time spent with them, just wish my oldest could visit, but not this year….funny how life is, I wish them all grown up and out of here but then I know when the last two leave I will be so lost without them. My two youngest already have their plans in place for when the time comes for them to leave the nest….they are growing up too fast….sheesh…I need to quit here….I’m missing them and they haven’t even left. Must be the pain and the meds having me all melancholic and whatnot.

Sometimes things just suck~

Sometimes things just suck.

Things like being a single mom. I love my boys, I will do just about anything (within reason) for them. But it is hard and getting harder….to keep them well fed. Having no job and dwindling financials is getting to me. The last couple of days my armor has cracked. I’m not looking for sympathy…I’m simply having a pity party. And I’m sharing it with you.

School will start in a few weeks and I’ll be having to get school supplies, shoes, clothes, though knowing my boys they won’t ask for or demand much. I love that about them, that they can see and understand the situation and not have a temper tantrum like other kids who just expect their parents to go broke financing a new wardrobe.

I’m drained, mentally…I’m not seeing a way out of this. I’ve taken my “Happy Pills” and pain pills and sleeping pills…hopefully one of them kicks in and does what it is intended to do. Or if I’m lucky they will all kick in and then I can go to sleep happy and pain free….I can dream…well no I can’t because dreaming requires sleep. Sheesh…what a bitching catch 22.

Summer 2011~~

This has been one hellacious summer as far as heat is concerned. Pretty bad when it is 92° inside my house. My last electric bill was more than double the previous one and that is due to giving in and turning the AC on. I simply cannot afford to run it. I’ve set aside some funds to give my kids a “vacation” so that takes from my other funds like the utilities and groceries. Looks like the boys may be away for about a month, they will be spending time with my oldest son and younger brother’s family. I will be home alone. Sounds good but at the same time it will be different for me, it’ll be too quiet here. But they need to get away and enjoy their summer break and not be so isolated with me. I’m sure they will enjoy it they are already excited even though we don’t have everything confirmed and okayed.

Earlier the boys were both in my room with me cracking me up, again they are telling me I should go and get married…not sure where that comes from. They know I totally suck at it and I know they wish they had a “dad” or “normal” family. It’s like a kick in the gut…they can crack jokes about it but I see and hear what they aren’t saying.

I’m doped up and a new or perhaps not so new side effect…itching…I am itching like crazy….feeling woozy and incoherent. I was on the phone with my oldest and he (and I) had a hard time following what I was saying. My train of thought was completely derailed it was like trying to talk to him about at least 3 different things at once but not making sense with any of it. With this (writing) I have the luxury of rereading and rewriting what doesn’t make sense. I don’t even know if I am making sense….

The boys need to get their laundry done and we will need to get the water bottles refilled. I won’t be able to do it myself when they are gone. I suppose I could always ask my creepy next door neighbor or my tenant to help me….Scratch that…I can switch to gallon sized containers instead of the 5 gallon bottles…I can’t see me asking anyone to help me. Just today I thought of calling a former “friend” if she might have any idea as to who might be hiring…couldn’t bring myself to do it. Damn pride….doesn’t get me too far. 🙂


Look Again~ Lisa Scottoline

This book raises so many questions about what one would do as a parent, rather how far a parent would go for their child.

What would you do if the face in a missing child photo was your son’s?

Single mother Ellen is soon faced with this dilemma after receiving a postcard in the mail and seeing the face of her adopted son. As a reporter she is soon off to investigate the possibilities. Her father and her attorney both advise her to not pursue the matter and remind her the adoption was legal. Her mother’s intuition tells her she must find the answer for the sake of her son.

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