Free Flow

He painted my picture

Slashes of evil, strokes of bitterness, splatters of regret

Ribbons of disgust and disdain

He then spoon fed me my beauty, my kindness, my gentle soul

ruby cantu
Soul for Sale~

The juxtaposition is confounding

I stood in front of the mirror

I spoke, on my shoulder he bespoke

I saw the joke, gee what a bloke

We then went for broke

I’m back in my nest, in need of a rest

Never at your behest, save it for the test

Searching for words to feed the birds

head-in-sand-harry-potter1
blah, blah, blah~

I found my autonomy, not easy in this economy

As my head explodes I think of my threnode

I think of the bliss, not your diss

My mind unfettered, freeing and bettered

sarcasm

Ruby Cantu 3.5.19

 

 

Where I’m @

...can't sleep~

I’m propped up in bed right now, fighting sleep, or maybe it is the other way around, sleep fights me. Jerk.

I am slowly reading the Wynonna memoir, unlike me to read this slow, I can read a book a day, 2 if I am on a roll, this one has been slow going, I like Wynonna Judd, even though I am not a big country music fan….maybe I should just pick up another book and put this one aside….I may do that tomorrow, I am too cozy and warm to get up, I took my socks off and the floor is cold, the carpet is cold, my house is cold, but I had the heater on and it got to freaking hot for me.

I am gassy too, I know TMI, but hey I can do that here….must have been the chili….so I am offering up some gas…need some, let me know, I have the hook up.

I will be headed to hell next week, but there is a highlight to my trip to hell, I will get to meet an online friend in person, and I know she is a her and she is a she and not a lumbering man in drag….not like that one book I was reading where this chick had a friendship with this dude online for  a while, then it turned out the dude was a dudette….I don’t have that worry.

I will have a busy weekend getting ready, getting my house in order and making sure my kids have enough food while I am gone. I think I will try to get some of those pesky little issues resolved tomorrow if the weather is bad and boy # 1 doesn’t have to work. Should have done that today since he was home all day….but I wasn’t up for it.

I broke down and got a cell phone, I had no intentions of getting one, but it is a necessary evil. I still need to put all my numbers in it. Well not all my numbers, I won’t be giving out the number to too many people.

I have been having continued panic attacks…I hope those end soon. I could go on and on and continue to ramble, but I’ll spare you….

One more thing…I have a huge zit on my face….I hate zits…I’m too old for zits….

~Merry Thanksgivoween~

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Can you say Holiday Madness?

 Its easy to assume that the holidays can be compared to the affects drug addicts feel….there is all this anticipation, preparing, then the ultimate high and, finally, the crashing, devastating low.  All these holidays, starting with Halloween and ending with Christmas, feel like that.  We prepare all month long, the kids are high on the anticipation of the day to come and then BAM!! The day is over and we are left to pick up the pieces….of candy wrappers, lollipop sticks and half eaten candy.   Although, on the bright side most of us don’t go through the shakes and vomiting that drug addicts go through, but just the same most of us will be left moaning with our pants unbuttoned on the couch at some point during the holiday season….whether it be from chocolate overkill or just stuffing ourselves silly like we stuff our turkeys.

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Caused by chocolate overkill

For me Hallows Eve in years past had its many evils mostly me walking my not so happy ass around my neighborhood.  Let that be a lesson to the young couples out there, when looking for a house make sure it is a neighborhood you don’t mind dragging your half-dead self around for trick or treating while your kids get to be treated like the King and Queen of Candy land. The days, months, year to come will be filled with the ultimate evil, CANDY!!  Okay months and year is pretty much an exaggeration, the loot they collected for the most part is soon to be gone…and this year my not so happy ass stayed home while they went out on their own, boys 2 & 3 went together….and I was in my own panic, worried about the registered sex offenders in the area. I gave them a time limit and stressed that even one minute longer and they could forget about that freedom next year…which I’m sure was a threat not heard as I got it out of my mouth as their backs were headed happily out the door. So yeah, they did well, they were back early, mainly to check in and ask to be out a bit longer, I gave them an additional 20 minutes…they then went back out for one last round.

I would have given up my left tit to have had the ability to play dress up and take my cranky ass out with the boys, or friends…fuckity fuck, fuck…maybe next year!

Now we are moving to the turkey/gift buying frenzied season….and then we can put another year to rest with end of the year festivities. I’m already totally burnt out on going through the motions. For me the holidays are no longer what they used to be….for me they used to be about being around family. Now I just see it for what it has become an over commercialized zeitgeist….and for us, it will be on a much smaller scale this year, and probably I will break down and stuff a small turkey or a big chicken….but hey I’m getting way ahead of myself here…..now where did my bite sized Snickers go???

A feeling I cannot shake

Perv watch in effect...
Perv watch in effect...

A while back…about 2 years ago…I wasthisclosetoevilandsickness and I hate that I can’t shake that….let me back track here…just to make sense…I got involved with some new people…entered a different world, undertook a new set of “friends”…I had not intended to get out of my self imposed exile or my little world, but under some pressure I stepped out of my “safe” little world….well…lo and behold I soon met many a new “friend”, I started hanging with these new friends…and eventually one of these outings was hosted at an individuals home…well…there was a bit of fallout…I was new to the group so I wasn’t completely aware of what was being whispered…but I was not completely naive either….I googled the address, nothing came up…logged on to a different website and was soon faced with the knowledge that the host home was also the home to  a registered sex offender….I soon was given bits and pieces of the back story….allegedly it was a misunderstanding and this individual was “innocent”…well being that this was to be an all female only event I tried to put ths new info on the backburner….it wasn’t to be….this individual was at the home…dutifully helping his new wife prepare for the event…seemed like a nice guy, not bad looking, very polite….but at the same time…something was off, very OFF….that was my first and last time around the “Off” individual…the wife later opted out of the group due to the fallout….fast forward and now this individual is front and center under new charges, one being production of child pornography…..I did not witness anything inappropriate, yet the guilt sticks around, logically I know there wasn’t anything I could have done or said, I had not witnessed anything…I moved on with my life….but the knowledge that I wasthisclosetoevilandsickness makes my skin crawl….the one thing I can take away from it is that I can show my kids this “picture” of a seemingly normal individual…and try to warn them that “normal” isn’t always what it seems.

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