Sludging through bitters….

there is a fetid feel in the air, trudging through the halls
hitting the walls like shit that hits the fan
there isn’t a way to take it out like yesterdays garbage
so it wafts and infuses itself with all it touches
it takes a spark to set it off, air to carry it around and bitterness to hold on to  it
merry fucking joy joy …..

Can’t sleep ramblings~

Texas is on fire…again…or quite possibly still. (not sure if they ever got the other fires put out) And stupid people are making stupid comments.Like the bag of idiots was left open and a bunch of people got in and then decided they’d come out and say what they say…now mind you I have a knack for saying stupid stuff all the time, like almost always, but these idiots have me beat.

I’m medicated, doubly or triply so, pain pill, sleeping pill and anti depressant…let’s see what this trifecta will bring.

Finally finished reading James Patterson‘s Alex Cross‘s Trial….I thought I had finished it then I started reading another book and got in about 78 pages and decided I wasn’t getting into it, so I quit it, then I remembered I had a few more chapters left so I finished that off and started another book…I’m about a hundred pages in and will probably finish it and read the rest of the series…maybe they aren’t a series, not sure but I have a stack from the same author.

The furnace people didn’t come back, so we are still gasless, hot waterless, and ovenless….yeah I probably just made up a few words there…tomorrow I will not be so nice when I call for them to come back and turn my gas back on. This time I’ll go outside and see if they will teach me how to turn it on and off and also where the on/off switch is…or whatever lever is used to operate this. I went for a walk and got hot and sweaty and a cold shower felt good. I doubt the boys will enjoy their cold shower in the morning….but they really didn’t complain and it’s not like we haven’t been down this route before…we were due for another round of cold showers around here as it seems we are always having issues with the water heater…this time there isn’t anything wrong with it except the gas is not ON!!!!

I’ve figured out a way to get boy # 2 out walking with me, it requires a bit of blackmail, he will get to drive the car/truck to a specific location and then we will walk from there….this bit of blackmail also ensures we will have clean vehicles as he will be washing both vehicles for driving privileges. Win/win!!!

Today I had 2 cups of dry cereal at 100 calories each….and tons of water. I am here to tell you that the notion of drinking water to curb the appetite is utter bullshit. I also had a nectarine and it was perfectly sweet. But I’m saving money to feed the boys and hopefully I get to drop a pound or two or (preferably) ten. So far I am still at the same weight, maybe my scale is broken.

I am thisclose to having enough swagbucks to get me a couple of $50.00 gift cards….I’m thinking PayPal and Overstock. I wish they had some to local places I would get one to a spa or salon, I so need a pedicure and can’t do a decent one myself as it is hard to manuever my feet…damn bionical hips. I also want to get my hair cut again…and not by me….by someone that can cut it straight. I’ve no idea how jacked up I’ve left it myself….but I think this time I need to get someone else to go over it….I may start picking up cans…well crap I can’t do that…cause I can’t BEND to fucking pick them up…..I did hear a radio ad for plasma, not plasma TV but life-sustaining plasma….I need to look into it, maybe I’ll qualify and can get some money that way. I also signed up to be an experimental pin cushion or lab rat. Not sure how much those gigs pay….and I skipped over all the small print….small print pretty much all ends up being the same…blah, blah, blah…you could die, blah, blah, blah. Kids have to eat and bills need to be paid. Oh and I am thinking of getting some vintage pieces and finding a consignment shop to sell them for me.

I shall return I am out of ice in my drinking water….so ice has been replenished but as I was standing in front of the freezer I saw the makings of sweetness….I’m thinking of a strawberry pie, I hope I have everything I need.

Well I think I have rambled on long enough…I had nothing to say and I said it well…I think…if not…oh well….it’s whatever.

Dregs of Society~

I think of the dregs of society, the riffraff, the offscourings, the scum of the earth….the lowest of the low and I look in the mirror and I see that I am no different.

We can all judge and play it any which way we want to. Could I stand next to a known murderer or molester and feel at ease? How are they any different than I am? They aren’t, for all the remorse they may proclaim, they will forever be branded as such and looked down on with no possibility of change. To some I am no better, no amount of proclamation otherwise will change that opinion of me.  Societies dregs are of no worth to me, would it make any difference to me if they insisted they had changed? that they no longer had the urge to kill or do damage? No. Quite frankly I wouldn’t change my feelings towards them, could they possibly change? Sure, but I just wouldn’t want to be in their path and take any chances as to being wrong. And that is when the light bulb went off for me. Making a comparison of myself with the lowest this earth has, so yes I am quite as rotten as that apple in the bottom of the barrel. I couldn’t blame anyone from wanting to keep their distance from me, granted we all make mistakes of all levels, some are pardonable some are not. Some we live with the rest of our lives, that’s life. Am I a bad person? I don’t think I am, but I have my faults, some of which cannot be overlooked.

Will I define myself by my mistakes? No, I’ve held on to them long enough, I’m cutting myself some slack. If you find that you can too, then good, means we will continue to be friends, if you find you can’t, then all I can do is wish you the best.

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