I am so over the going over my history….medical history that is…I know on the outside it all looks hunky dory…having chronic pain gets old…the mask that we learn to wear takes its toll…one would be surprised at the amount of effort involved in pulling that off….that smile…it hides a grimace…sometimes…at best it would, at worst…well I’ve been told I look mad, pissed, tired….etc…I’m tired of “looking”….what the hell am I supposed to look like? What are any of us supposed to look like…I don’t want to look like “I’m dying”….even though at times the pain is unbearable…my coping mechanisms are different…sometimes I “barrel” through it….in my world it means something different than what it would for a normal person…but sometimes I just have to punishingly plug away with mundane tasks…to take my mind off of the pain….but it tends to backfire….I want what I’ll never in my lifetime get….a pain free day…it’s kinda like with my insomnia…I’ll sleep when I’m dead…I’ll be pain free when I’m dead…I get annoyed with those that mean well…”pray” seriously? For what? there is no magical being out there that’s going to wave a magic wand and make the pain go away….there are those white coats that may “help” with their potions (drugs) but the reality is that I will be in pain for the rest of my life….different levels of it…on a good day…moderate….on a bad day…”FUCK YOU AND YOUR MOMMA TOO”….I get to where I hurt so much I can’t stand myself….I just want to be alone…nobody asking “what’s wrong?” “FUCK YOU” that’s what’s wrong….I know, I know, people mean well, friends mean well….but it really does get old….who wants to hear someone bitch and moan constantly about every little thing that hurts…or the same ole, same ole….I tried to google “What does pain look like?” I couldn’t find anything that could describe it, but I don’t recommend typing that in google…it was kind of revolting…pain apparently looks like pus filled lumps, bumps and hemorrhoids…..yup, hemorrhoids….like a visual of an asshole turned inside out is an adequate representation….I suppose next time someone asks me how I’m doing I’ll have it in the back of my head that I look like an inside out asshole……
In a way that is not parsimonious, thus not me, the first order of the day would begin with a steamy hot shower. I would then throw on the most comfortable threads I possess….well maybe not those as I’m sure those have either stains, holes, missing something – like elastic or buttons. I would not bother drying my hair simply put it in a twist and secure it with a stick or two. No makeup, no contacts, no shoes, no socks…but yes to the flip-flops.
A quick stop for some eye-opening head clearing strong java and I’d be on my way to the spa. I can vividly picture the tranquility and smell the calming lavender and hear the soothing background music. The walk to the private retreat is a short one, candles are already lit and the lights are dimmed. This special day of indulgence includes the works, a facial, manicure, pedicure, shampoo followed with a scalp massage and deep conditioning treatment and a stylish new do followed by makeup application and a stop at the boutique.
Sorry that was a side effect of the medication. Back to reality where I shampoo and condition my own hair and do my own nails….which involves a quick trim with my trusty 99¢ nail clippers….and wash my own face and skip any of the other stuff….where’s my book…….and my drugs and my pillow
Try as I might there are things I just can’t put out of my head….people, places and things….try as I might I can’t get into the fluff, my mind prefers to stick to the dark stuff….but I can’t focus on fluff right now, the pain won’t let me…neither will the drugs. There is an intense and irrational thought process, it is fragmented at best, incomprehensible and indescribable at worst. I am wanting to scratch my way out, but it isn’t happening. I feel like burning bridges, more like blowing the damn bridge up.
The day has been especially long, a consequence of little to no sleep…I want to sleep, I want to sleep for a very long time…and when I wake up, I want to wake up to my old life. The me that just didn’t give a fuck about a lot of things, the me that had little to no use for emotional attachments. I strive for that and as I think of it, I mentally add it to my list…my unwritten mental New Year’s resolutions. 2010 needs to start out better than 2009 ends….and it is ending in a painful way, pretty much how it started, these last couple of years have been pretty much a rollercoaster, complete with long lines, high admission for every ride, lots of ups and downs, dizzying, nauseated and I’m too old for the carnival atmosphere….well I take that last part back, some carnivals can be fun, just not this one.
I’ve got phone calls to make….seems that I’m spending more time on the phone than ever before….but I digress…my aunt wants to come and visit, but flying here is too pricey, she isn’t in any capacity to drive, neither am I, if I was I’d go bring her….she is thinking of doing the bus…but that is 20 hours….I guess where there’s a will, there’s a way…I’ll call her tomorrow, I need to update her on some changes and maybe we can figure something out….
Pain ~ sucks big hairy monkey/donkey balls
Tears ~ cry me a fucking river…I’ve done my part…enough for a dolphin to be happy
Fears ~ Trick or treat….
Life ~ sucks
Doctors ~ are assholes
Drugs ~ stuck in my gullet…seems like it anyway
Pity Party…I was there, I am here, where were you?
- Call Dr’s office again…only to wait a day or two for the asshats to call me back. Not in the mood to fuck w/ anyone today!
- Call insurance asshats again and be jerked around some more. Ditto ↑
- Call food service director and reapply for school lunches. Done~ free lunch & breakfast for the next 90 days…this is a ginormous help, I won’t feel bad if I can’t afford to feed them at home, better tell them to not pass up their lunch.
- Try to find energy & motivation. Found enough to get me out of the house and do # 3 and half of # 5.
- If above are located, make trip to bank and pharmacy.
- Gather additional items to freecycle. May try to find a few more things and at least fill up the sack.
- Look for specific items for specific individual in need. → Need some of # 4 for this, maybe tomorrow.
- Sleep. I effing wish for it, but pain is not conducive to sleep. Drugs aren’t helping.
- Hope to eliminate pain. bullets anyone? No luck here, kids are lucky we don’t have a gun in the house, if we did they would be bastards today. Not having a good day at all.