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Posts Tagged ‘dreams’

I apparently chose my man very well, what man willingly takes his woman into shopper’s paradise and gives her cold hard cash to spend! He’s so fabulous! We left out Saturday morning and headed straight to the mall and were amazed at all shopping possibilities. I bought some clothes at the GAP and Old Navy and everything fit perfectly…I found some shoes for a wedding I’m in Sept. 15th and we had some yummy food at a Chili’s in the mall…that’s right Chili’s in the mall – I started to feel a little light-headed, but maybe it was the 10 laps around the mall…I also found a fabulous purse! Oh and some boots…the kind with the square toe and chunky heel that I can wear with the leather jacket that’s been hanging in my closet for years and for the day will make me feel like a rebellious biker chick….got some great bargains on some jewelry, a necklace I had been eyeing for a while and the earrings to match….we went into a new store where everything is black, the perfect blouse beckoned me and the cutest little black skirt….guaranteed to highlight the length of my legs….the same legs that start growing out of my neck….then I turned around and woke up. I was dismayed to realize that the trip to the mall with the beloved had been just a dream…and I should have known that before waking up or at least realized in my dream that it was a dream. I shop alone! I am not handed any cold hard cash to go and buy till my heart’s content. We have no GAP, after dreaming about those squared toe boots I need to buy them….I know I will be looking for them like a crazed shopoholic…because when I tried them on I felt IT….IT…that feeling of heavenly shoe perfection….who the heck is getting married September 15th???????

Miriam, by BORN

But yeah, these boots, they will be mine, even if I have to sell off a kidney, well maybe a kidney is too much, plasma, blood?…I’ll figure something out.

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I was down for a nap but then my dreams were interrupted by a piercing shriek which cost me 17% of my hearing…I think it is permanent. I think everyone else in a ten-mile radius was asleep too so they didn’t hear…..not that it matters much because for most people “permanent” means the next ten minutes or until being buried by searing lava or suffocated by choking ash… but then I turned around and I woke up and for the life of me I couldn’t go back to sleep, so I finally got out of bed. Then I got all jittery and my head started to pound like the waves pound the shore and not the kind of pounding that brings a smile to my face and makes people wonder what’s been up what I’ve been up to or….and I just knew it was time to get busy…

I decided today was to be a day to get things done. Boy # 2 decided he would do all the yard work, front yard, back yard, the STILL vacant apartment yard, behind the apartment and next to the driveway in the back. I had him pick up all the trash, including the trash that came from the neighbor’s yard. Originally I was going to just go with being a bitch and have them throw it back in his yard…but I just couldn’t do it. So anyways he picked it all up, and didn’t learn anything bad from mom…like how to be a vindictive bitch. I have my good points. Boy # 3 gets to do it next time….oh and because I still don’t have a weed eater I had to edge by hand, talk about fun; at least it was pleasantly cool outside.

Boy # 2 and I watched a movie together, Mr. Brooks with Kevin Costner…then all 3 of us watched NCIS and that was it for my TV watching today. I’ve got some movies DVR’d that I need to watch and clear off. I’ve also gotten a few more items ready to freecycle, including a cookie jar I got at a benefit auction. It was broken (damn it) but I managed to glue it back together…I just decided I will part with it…maybe someone else can make use of it. That’s about all for today…I’m off to read while I leave my playlist playing for background noise.

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good for the soul or the soulless~

In my unintended confession I completely shattered the illusion of who I was, what she thought I was. I wasn’t the one with my foot on the ground, the strong one. I was human, if only for that instant. Completely naked and vulnerable, I was me. I was less mysterious, the allure of who I am was clear, if only for an instant. 

I confessed that when I had been where I was before, I had tried to be who I thought I could be to keep that fantasy going. Fantasies shatter, clarity comes out from behind the fog.

There was a speechless silence, as the confession was absorbed. I had to give a gentle reminder that I too was human. It sometimes can be a shocking thing to discover about those you see as your idols. Those we hold in a different regard, to discover they have feelings, they have hurts, they have dreams, they live lies. They live their own truths.

I gave my own truth up.I set something free.

I set it free~

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Rag Doll

Take off those pretty clothes, rag doll
Take off those ribbons and bows, rag doll
don’t you see you’re just a whore?
that there’s no point in dreaming
you’re anything more
Than a doll, a sculpture,
Designed at my whim
Rag doll
Face it, there’s nothing within.
There’s nothing to dream of,
There’s nothing to be,
There’s nothing inside you
Except for what’s me.
You’re only a rag doll
You’re just what I seek
You’re prettier my way
Oh why can’t you see
That the dreams that you’re dreaming
Are a waste of your time?
That you’ll never be your own
you’ll only be mine
to dress up into your pretty clothes.
To put up your hair in your ribbons and bows.
To make yourself something that’s pleasing to me,
You’re nothing without me, you won’t ever be
More than flat, two-dimensional
Unable to stand,
You’re nothing but rags outside of my hands.

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She motioned for him to enter her office, they began their discussions. She was firm with him, she wanted to see that man pay, wanted him behind bars for the rest of his life. She was willing to spend as much of her money as necessary to see to it that he never see the light of day. What was his crime? He didn’t love her, couldn’t love her, wouldn’t love her. That made her ire rise. The emotions she had held in for so many years came bubbling up to the surface. A cold dark surface. Made dark by the blood that had already been spilt. Many dead bodies lay in her wake. She had no qualms to use her money, her power and her influence.

He was a young and fast rising promising attorney, he had been given a million dollar retainer for his services. He had dark hair and dark eyes, he was tall and very handsome, beneath his several thousand dollars business suits one could easily tell he spent hours at the gym.

When he walked into her home office he had taken notice that she had locked the door behind him. She sat down and he stood over her and soon moved closer to her, the intimacy was clear and she soon made a move that took him completely by surprise. She had boldly taken his face in her hands and pressed her lips against his. Hungry and passionate kisses where their breathing became labored and intense, her eyes were closed and soon she was thinking of him (another man, the man she wanted to see in prison) she whispered his name….the kissing stopped. “What name did you just call me?”

She didn’t respond, she immediately became infuriated and was quick to order him out of her office. How could it be that she became careless and let THAT name slip out…that man, those feelings, that name, that was part of her secret. Her secret could be exposed….time to get her hands bloody again……….

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Once upon a time, seems like a long time ago I fell in love. And there was laughing and funny breaths and happiness. There was much happiness and visions of a perfect future. And then, SHUT! Over. Gone. Dead. Completely cut off. Disconnected. The taste still fresh in my mouth. The smell still on my skin. The feeling left in my fingertips. But I can’t get that feeling back. I may spend my entire life trying to get back into that Room. Fighting all the way. The best thing I have ever known. Even now, later, anytime I come close to it I want to dive in. Sink or swim. I don’t care…drowning would be such sweet escape. I would give anything to be even in the room next to it. Across the street. A breath away. Remembering what I never let myself forget. Looking someone in the eye and knowing; another time, another place, it is right there. In front of me. Within reach. Just open my fingers and wrap them around it. Hold it tightly. And never let it go. Never. Never. I fought. I fought hard. But only with myself. Sometimes I wonder if I should have fought harder. With him. With it. Tried to work it out. It all made sense for about fifteen seconds. Just enough time to say. You’re right. What the hell was I thinking? Why didn’t I say . . . something? His line of thinking was? If she doesn’t want it, I don’t want to push It.? Why try to keep her where she doesn’t want to be? But she did want to be there. She had to. She was happy. There were nights I cried. When we were together and we went to bed and then I would get up at night walk around my home I cried. Not because I was sad, but because I was happy. So happy I couldn’t contain myself. I talked to walls. Whether I believed they could hear me or not. And I said thank you. Over and over. Again and again. I couldn’t believe it was real. That I could actually touch him. Kiss him. Look into his perfect blue eyes and see myself. But I could. I had seen him before. In my dreams in front of my face when he wasn’t there, on the other end of the phone…. And I said to myself? I would give up everything if he would even turn my way. He was light years beyond me. Another day down the road. Another day away from each other. Confident, beautiful, at peace. So sure. Not for me. I couldn’t even dream it. No way could I ever make it real. Did he feel what I felt? I have to believe he did. If I didn’t it would be so hard to breathe. So hard to get up in the morning. So hard to be. No one will be him. No one will have those blue eyes. No one will have that way of looking at me and wanting to know me. And no one, ever again (shudder) will make me whole. Not like that. I’m scared. I’m so scared. What if it is real? What if never? What if I’m right? Do you ever wonder, do you ever ask yourself? Can I live without love?? Can I open my eyes? I’m afraid to. There is a feeling. You know it. This trembling completeness. This warmth. That makes everything big. And you are ten feet tall all the time. Everyone is looking at you. You are the one. The one he chose. The one he calls when everything is wrong, and when everything is right! He is the one who reaches out for you. For me. He once said I need you. I was done. That was what I was looking for all my life. Those words. For something as pure as this creature to need ME! Could not be real. Could not be my life. But it was. Of course, it WAS! It isn’t anymore. It is gone. So far away. And it will never be there again. I see little pieces of it everywhere. A glance, a smile, a touch. I feel desperate. I feel alone. So much out there. But I only want to hear one thing. Not sure what. But I will know. If I ever get the chance. I will stretch out my fingers, grasp it tightly, and NEVER LET IT GO! But till then; I will be here. With my open hand. And my desperate heart. And my cold skin. Slowly, regrettably, forgetting just enough that I can survive from one day to the next. To remember is to suffer. To see what was and then look at what is. To hear a voice, feel my heart stop. Watch my breath stutter in the cold. He can be almost anyone. He can read me like a book. I will open to any page for him. Cover to cover. Nothing to hide. Not the fear, only the pain and the hopelessness. It is all there. Large print easy to read. Secrets dissolve in tears. Dissipating into honesty, innocence, need. I was lost and now I’m found. I was blind but now I see. Maybe I don’t want to…feel…I can’t go on feeling….feelings need to go away….my heart needs to stop. My heart did stop…what is that you call it? Mind fuck!

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