Happy Happy…Joy Joy

Shhh.....I am pretty.....crazy~

With today being a holiday I had not planned on doing the phone thing…well it didn’t quite work that way…my doctors office called, I have an appointment Monday to review my discogram and do my pre-op stuff. Surgery is tentatively scheduled for Wednesday….not much time to think about it…which works for me…I don’t want to have time to think about it…like really what is there to think about…I say let’s get on with it, get it over and done with. The promise of being “fixed” is what I have to look forward to…now if I stop to think about it then all I would end up doing is filling my head with what ifs….like what if they fuck me up more….what if they cut/hit/damage a nerve and I end up worse off than I already am..like a real vegetable…see what happens when you start playing stupid what if games….insanity…and I suffer enough with insanity…so it’s a go as far as I am concerned…I just have to work out the logistics….like getting there and getting back.

Slice & Dice~

Spoke to my aunt and she would love to come and be here and help where she can, she is still recovering from her surgery….so of course the mental imagery went all over the place….a couple of old hag cripps trying to help each other…it’s funny but it’s not…but it is more funny than not.

Yesterday I also did something I had not done in like forever…at least since my high school years….I picked up the phone and called a friend…and talked for a good 2 or 3 hrs…then we did it again for another 4.5 hours….but it felt good to talk to someone, laugh at ourselves…next time we may laugh at others….but not in a mean way…well maybe…..

Finished reading everything I had started on….and still have not hit the fluff….but it is by my bed….

A sugar-coated life~

Definition~ To cause to seem more appealing or pleasant: a sentimental treatment that suger-coats a harsh reality.

Ask me how I am, ask me how I’m doing, how is life treating me….well the sugar-coated short version is: My life is G.♥

Who really cares to listen to the harsh reality…the answers will vary, those that care want to know, those that get a sick, twisted little tinge of pleasure knowing that my reality is a painful one-they want to know too….

An update….I secured transportation (and a big thank you to my transporter) and off I went Monday to hell (a 3.5 hr drive to Austin). I had a discogram and Ct scan scheduled.

What is it?

A discogram is a diagnostic test performed to view and assess the internal structure of a disc and determine if it is a source of pain.

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How is it done?
The patient is given intravenous medication as a relaxant and pain reliever. A local anesthetic is injected into the patient’s skin in the area that is being examined.

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A needle is inserted through a previously placed needle in the skin and into the disc under fIuoroscopy. A saline solution and radiopaque dye are injected into the disc or discs if more than one disc is being examined. A CT scan is usually performed on the painful disc after the dye is injected to obtain images of the dye distribution. This will demonstrate anular tears, scarring, disc bulges and changes in the nucleus of the disc.

Expected Results

  • Recreation of painful symptoms if the disc/discs is abnormal.
  • Confirmation of a diagnosis and/or determination of which disc/discs is the source of pain.

They were quite successful in recreating the pain and not only that, causing me additional pain. I just don’t get why me pointing to the areas that are hurting is not enough…but I paid for the torture, not just physically, but also out-of-pocket copays.

Let’s talk pain~pain is a feeling triggered in the nervous system…it may be sharp or dull….it may come and go, or it may be constant…my pain is constant, 24/7…pain is emotional as well as physical….even with medication, pain wears me down, I feel emotionally exhausted…to top it off I am also experiencing Panic Attacks…in short life sucks right now. I am putting myself through hell to get better, but there are the hours days that I have the thoughts that I can’t do this anymore.

My salvation~ my kids….for them I go through this, they need me, but I need them just as much, if not more…I now return you to your regularly scheduled life.

Wait for my comeback~I will be back!

Oh and one more note, thanks to all my family/friends for sticking by me, I am not at my best right now, but something’s got to give…and I will be back (to regain the title of Wonderwoman)!♥

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