Posts Tagged ‘death’

Murder by suicide

Not in the news…yet

Stalking the stalker

Getting nekkid

31 flavors

On high Alert

Suicide by cop

Knives, guns and booze…

Stay tuned…I’m barely 2 hours in…it’s gonna be a stormy and bumpy night…


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So much has happened and this update will be disjointed….

Loss….we are still reeling from our losses…I know I am, some that took me by surprise…or rather the reactions to said losses shook me up. Friend, aunt, grandmother, father….we are still assimilating and will be for a good while, you think you close a chapter and finish that book…only to find a sequel to get you going again. I hate that my kids have to go through these upheavals…nothing has broken me in so long than not being able to comfort my son over such a devastating loss. I’m used to loss, it is one of the reasons I don’t form attachments….any who….yeah….that currently is the big one sucking big fat purple monkey balls….puts trivial shit into perspective…like some fucktard asshat getting all territorial about public places I should be thinking of venturing in….I could kick my ass for replying to a juvenile email regarding previously stated nonsense. (Yes, a good bitching and venting seems to be in order)

Another school year is also coming to an end, with that…another son leaving, but we will have a new face taking his place….changes, so many changes….soon it will be time to sell and move on….actually I’m still selling, by the time the last one leaves I want all my furniture gone, I don’t yet know where I am going but I do know I don’t need all the crap I have accumulated.

As I’m typing away I also find that while in my head I still have a lot to say, I have also lost my desire to write…..this may be the end….

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Things you probably don’t know about me~

Death fascinates me, truly it does. I have no fear of death or dying (that’s not to say I’m looking forward to it, though some days that may be debatable). Tomorrow I have an appointment with death (I’m leaving this one on the cryptic side) depending on how that goes I may be inclined to share with you…or not.

I would love to go base jumping, skydiving or parasailing….any of those sounds like a blast, but the thought of a hard landing (and stupid asshole doctor’s orders will prevent me from attempting).

I am not funny at all, but sometimes I do amuse myself…and others, though I can’t always be sure if they are laughing with me or at me. Either way is fine with me. Laughter is good, even if it is at my expense. (But it is better at someone else’s expense…well no, not really, that would be mean).

I crave a change…change of scenery, change of style (hair) even change in my purse would be good.

Things are looking up….I call them things, but in actuality they are just short people….or kids…and they have to look up when I’m talking to them. I am not really tall myself..

There’s tons more you don’t know about me…but I’d like to keep an air of mystery around me.


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How could I possibly feel like I am near death? From doing what? Nothing, not a god damn thing…pisses the fuck out of me…yes, I’m bitching, ranting, raving….ughhhh

Okay, let’s be fair, went out to lunch…but fuck my ass…well…no don’t fuck my ass…how could that wear the shit out of me….it’s not like I went to a different country, or state or city…just here in town, a few miles down the road…and I get home and want to die, yeah really, the boys thankfully have a fucked up summer schedule so they are sleeping randomly, I got home, it was quiet so I said fuck it, and went to bed too. Have not cooked for them today, I don’t know what they’ve had to eat, I’m not terribly worried either, I’m sure they’ve managed….but deep down there is a pang of guilt.

I slept, got up and watched Funny People with Adam Sandler…man that was a long ass movie…enjoyed it…but still with potty breaks it was even longer…lol.

gotta love Adam Sandler

Got cookies baking. need cookies


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There’s a finality in death where all the unanswered questions simply die. For the person holding the lot of questions, the death simply ends it all.

Sure all the answers one could hope for will never come along to give any peace.

When the one person in my life that truly mattered died, along with the lowering of the over-priced satin lined casket into freshly dug earth went all those answers to questions yet unasked.

I know that when my time comes there will be many unanswered questions and that’s the way I want it to be. If I don’t give you the answers now, it is because there are no answers that matter. Meaning the outcome has already happened and nothing I may have to add will change anything. Besides I kinda like having that air of mystery.

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 This is is a wonderful piece by Michael Gartner, editor of newspapers large and small and president of NBC News. In 1997, he won the Pulitzer Prize for editorial writing. It is well worth reading, and a few good chuckles are guaranteed. Here goes

My father never drove a car. Well, that’s not quite right. I should say I never saw him drive a car. He quit driving in 1927, when he was 25 years old, and the last car he drove was a 1926 Whippet.


“In those days,” he told me when he was in his 90s, “to drive a car you had to do things with your hands, and do things with your feet, and look every which way, and I decided you could walk through life and enjoy it or drive through life and miss it.”


At which point my mother, a sometimes salty Irishwoman, chimed in:


“Oh, bull—-!” she said. “He hit a horse.”


“Well,” my father said, “there was that, too.”  

So my brother and I grew up in a household without a car. The neighbors all had cars — the Kollingses next door had a green 1941 Dodge, the VanLaninghams across the street a gray 1936 Plymouth, the Hopsons two doors down a black 1941 Ford — but we had none.


My father, a newspaperman in Des Moines, would take the streetcar to work and, often as not, walk the 3 miles home. If he took the streetcar home, my mother and brother and I would walk the three blocks to the streetcar stop, meet him and walk home together.  

My brother, David, was born in 1935, and I was born in 1938, and sometimes, at dinner, we’d ask how come all the neighbors had cars but we had none. “No one in the family drives,” my mother would explain, and that was that.


But, sometimes, my father would say, “But as soon as one of you boys turns 16, we’ll get one.” It was as if he wasn’t sure which one of us would turn 16 first.  

But, sure enough, my brother turned 16 before I did, so in 1951 my parents bought a used 1950 Chevrolet from a friend who ran the parts department at a Chevy dealership downtown.


It was a four-door, white model, stick shift, fender skirts, loaded with everything, and, since my parents didn’t drive, it more or less became my brother’s car.  

Having a car but not being able to drive didn’t bother my father, but it didn’t make sense to my mother.


So in 1952, when she was 43 years old, she asked a friend to teach her to drive. She learned in a nearby cemetery, the place where I learned to drive the following year and where, a generation later, I took my two sons to practice driving. The cemetery probably was my father’s idea. “Who can your mother hurt in the cemetery?” I remember him saying more than once.  

For the next 45 years or so, until she was 90, my mother was the driver in the family. Neither she nor my father had any sense of direction, but he loaded up on maps — though they seldom left the city limits — and appointed himself navigator. It seemed to work.


Still, they both continued to walk a lot. My mother was a devout Catholic, and my father an equally devout agnostic, an arrangement that didn’t seem to bother either of them through their 75 years of marriage.  

(Yes, 75 years, and they were deeply in love the entire time.)


He retired when he was 70, and nearly every morning for the next 20 years or so, he would walk with her the mile to St. Augustin’s Church.  

She would walk down and sit in the front pew, and he would wait in the back until he saw which of the parish’s two priests was on duty that morning. If it was the pastor, my father then would go out and take a 2-mile walk, meeting my mother at the end of the service and walking her home.


If it was the assistant pastor, he’d take just a 1-mile walk and then head back to the church. He called the priests “Father Fast” and “Father Slow.”  

After he retired, my father almost always accompanied my mother whenever she drove anywhere, even if he had no reason to go along. If she were going to the beauty parlor, he’d sit in the car and read, or go take a stroll or, if it was summer, have her keep the engine running so he could listen to the Cubs game on the radio. In the evening, then, when I’d stop by, he’d explain: “The Cubs lost again. The millionaire on second base made a bad throw to the millionaire on first base, so the multimillionaire on third base scored.”


If she were going to the grocery store, he would go along to carry the bags out — and to make sure she loaded up on ice cream. As I said, he was always the navigator, and once, when he was 95 and she was 88 and still driving, he said to me, “Do you want to know the secret of a long life?”  

“I guess so,” I said, knowing it probably would be something bizarre.


“No left turns,” he said.  

“What?” I asked.


“No left turns,” he repeated. “Several years ago, your mother and I read an article that said most accidents that old people are in happen when they turn left in front of oncoming traffic. As you get older, your eyesight worsens, and you can lose your depth perception, it said. So your mother and I decided never again to make a left turn.”  

“What?” I said again.


“No left turns,” he said. “Think about it. Three rights are the same as a left, and that’s a lot safer. So we always make three rights.”  

“You’re kidding!” I said, and I turned to my mother for support.


“No,” she said, “your father is right. We make three rights. It works.”  

But then she added: “Except when your father loses count.”


I was driving at the time, and I almost drove off the road as I started laughing.  

“Loses count?” I asked.


“Yes,” my father admitted, “that sometimes happens. But it’s not a problem. You just make seven rights, and you’re okay again.”  

I couldn’t resist. “Do you ever go for 11?” I asked.


“No,” he said ” If we miss it at seven, we just come home and call it a bad day. Besides, nothing in life is so important it can’t be put off another day or another week.”  

My mother was never in an accident, but one evening she handed me her car keys and said she had decided to quit driving. That was in 1999, when she was 90.


She lived four more years, until 2003. My father died the next year, at 102.  

They both died in the bungalow they had moved into in 1937 and bought a few years later for $3,000. (Sixty years later, my brother and I paid $8,000 to have a shower put in the tiny bathroom — the house had never had one. My father would have died then and there if he knew the shower cost nearly three times what he paid for the house.)


He continued to walk daily — he had me get him a treadmill when he was 101 because he was afraid he’d fall on the icy sidewalks but wanted to keep exercising — and he was of sound mind and sound body until the moment he died.  

One September afternoon in 2004, he and my son went with me when I had to give a talk in a neighboring town, and it was clear to all three of us that he was wearing out, though we had the usual wide-ranging conversation about politics and newspapers and things in the news.


A few weeks earlier, he had told my son, “You know, Mike, the first hundred years are a lot easier than the second hundred.” At one point in our drive that Saturday, he said, “You know, I’m probably not going to live much longer.”  

“You’re probably right,” I said.


“Why would you say that?” He countered, somewhat irritated.  

“Because you’re 102 years old,” I said.


“Yes,” he said, “you’re right.” He stayed in bed all the next day.  

That night, I suggested to my son and daughter that we sit up with him through the night.


He appreciated it, he said, though at one point, apparently seeing us look gloomy, he said: “I would like to make an announcement. No one in this room is dead yet.”  

An hour or so later, he spoke his last words: “I want you to know,” he said, clearly and lucidly, “that I am in no pain. I am very comfortable. And I have had as happy a life as anyone on this earth could ever have.”


A short time later, he died.  

I miss him a lot, and I think about him a lot. I’ve wondered now and then how it was that my family and I were so lucky that he lived so long.


I can’t figure out if it was because he walked through life, or because he quit taking left turns.”  

Life is too short to wake up with regrets.


So love the people who treat you right.  

Forget about the ones who don’t.


Believe everything happens for a reason.  

If you get a chance, take it & if it changes your life, let it.


Nobody said life would be easy, they just promised it would most likely be worth it.”

Even for yours truly~






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